Chapter 31
Noa
S ince shortly after finishing dinner, Noa had felt off.
Her stomach seemed to be protesting about something, and the churning she felt there had bile rising up her throat on numerous occasions.
Was she getting sick? Regardless, she refused to let it ruin this time with Alex.
Was it stupid that it almost felt like they were on a date?
After all the time they had spent together whilst on their trip, this one night shouldn’t have felt any different.
But it did.
They sat shoulder to shoulder on the chalky sand. The cove they occupied felt sheltered, adding to the intimacy, with the rocks jutting out of the island around them and continuing into the water, the waves licking at the base of them.
If only she could get her increasing nausea to settle, then the night would be perfect. She shoved it down, choosing to ignore the sweat starting to gather at the nape of her neck.
They watched the most incredible sunset. A mirage of colours illuminated the sky like a wildfire rising from the still serenity of the dark sea. Watching it brought a calmness over both of them. They simply sat there, in each other’s company, letting the sun make its final retreat for the day.
Once night descended, they laid back on the soft sand that warmed their backs and were easily swept into deep conversation.
Alex asked her questions about her life since she’d left town and her dreams for the future, listening attentively like everything she said was the most interesting thing in the world.
She never once felt like she was too much, too boring, too emotional, or any of the other things she had felt when talking to men in the past. He made her feel seen and important.
‘You always used to talk about being an author one day. I see you scribbling your ideas in that book now, and your face lights up. Do you think you could make a go at the writing thing?’ Alex asked.
And, compared to when she’d had conversations with Lucas about changing her career, Alex actually sounded supportive of the concept. She felt like she could get excited about it with him, and he would get excited back.
She’d been questioning whether it was too late to change career paths for a while, whether she was being naive to think she could make a living from her writing.
The anxiety around that, and the voice in her head telling her she couldn’t, had won out until now. The voice of Lucas as he said, ‘Do you even know how many books an author has to write to breakeven?’ only reinforced it.
His question had been an insult in so many ways. One, because she had made a career out of helping authors reach their goals, so the fact he doubted she knew what she was doing irritated her to no end. But the fact he clearly didn’t think she could do it had only fuelled her imposter syndrome.
‘I’d love to. I really would. It just seems so scary. I wonder if it’s too late,’ Noa now admitted to Alex.
‘It’s never too late, Noa. Maybe now’s the perfect time.
Maybe all the work you’ve put into editing has only led you here, given you the tools to finally make your own dreams come true.
But you’ll never know unless you try. You can forge a new path whenever you choose to.
But you do have to choose it. Nothing comes to you unless you grab it. ’
His words meant more than he would ever know. She mulled them over for a while, really letting them sink in.
Was she really her greatest barrier? Could it be as easy as just taking that first step toward the life she wanted?
Noa barely noticed the passing of time as they continued to lie there, talking about everything and nothing. It was the perfect night, just the two of them under the blanket of stars that lit up the night sky.
The scene felt familiar, in a way, and Alex must have thought so, too, because it didn’t take long for him to see straight through her and say, ‘I didn’t expect this to still be on your list, but I am glad to be back here.’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Noa answered, raising her hand to her chest in an attempt to feign innocence.
‘You mean you didn’t decide you wanted to count the stars because a twenty-one-year-old version of me told you that you couldn’t? Because your stubbornness refused to let that go. Because I know you Noa, and that would be a lie!’
Noa thought back to that night. It hadn’t been long before her twentieth birthday party.
She’d walked home from her bar job, where she’d been saving money for university.
She spotted Alex on the swings of Freymoor’s play park, kicking at the ground as he swung back and forth.
She’d felt a need to make sure he was okay, something instinctual telling her he needed a friend.
They sat in comfortable silence at first, cloaked in the darkness of the night sky if it wasn’t for the light from the winking of the stars breaking through.
Noa had broken the silence first.
‘A leftover Starburst for your thoughts,’ she said, pulling a green, misshapen sweet from the depth of her pocket.
Alex grimaced.
‘Is that all they’re worth?’ he joked. ‘That’s the worst flavour. I should be offended.’
Noa smiled at him sweetly, batting her eyelashes overdramatically in a way she did when she wanted something. He rolled his eyes at her, but the expression was filled with amusement.
‘Okay, well, what about sharing them with a friend who cares for free?’
She could have sworn his shoulders sagged a little at her use of the word ‘friend’, but before she could give it much thought, he was speaking.
‘I just. I… I feel bad all the time. My mum’s exhausted. She came home tonight and could barely stand up straight. She’s never at home. Always working, always making up for him. ’
Noa didn’t have to ask who the ‘him’ was that Alex was referring to, and she felt the need to reach out to him, to comfort him somehow, hating the scars his dad had left on his heart.
She was glad this was never something he had hidden from her, because the weight must have been so heavy to carry alone.
‘She’s emotionally and financially trying to be two parents at once.
I’m trying to work and save to start a business, to make a future for myself, but I feel like such a selfish prick when I see her burnt out like she has been my entire life.
Because we were never even worth that to him.
A few lousy pounds every month to the spawn you fathered would simply be too much to ask. ’
She sensed his anger. But also, the hurt. He had insinuated many times that he thought his dad leaving was a reflection on him, and she hated that the most.
‘Your mum loves you, Alex. She probably didn’t see her life turning out exactly like this, but I know, given the opportunity to do it all again, even if she had the opportunity to have all the freedom and money in the world, she would choose this. Choose you every single time.’
Alex didn’t respond. He just sat there looking younger than she had seen him in a while. So, she continued, needing him to really hear her.
‘You are a person worth knowing, Alex. And I only feel sorry for him that he doesn’t get to. I hope he regrets that until his dying day, because his shortcomings are his to bear and his alone. None of it is on you.’
She reached out for his hand then. And, although his eyes remained on the ground, he nodded and his lips turned up at the sides into a half-smile. She loved being the reason he smiled.
He lifted his eyes to the sky, continuing to slowly swing back and forth .
‘I bet you can’t count the stars,’ he challenged, clearly trying to lighten the mood.
Noa saw it for what it was, a distraction. She took his cue, if for no other reason than he knew she couldn’t back down from a challenge.
Gazing at the twinkling lights in the sky proved harder than she thought, though. They lulled her into a relaxed state, her concentration waning, and she constantly lost track of where she was. The more she tried to focus, the more stars seemed to appear.
He chuckled next to her, like he thought he’d won. Her eyes cut to him, and she narrowed them.
‘You know, you’ve caught me on a bad day. I’m tired. But I promise you this Alex Fletcher, I will count all those stars one day.’
From the beach, Alex watched her, and she thought maybe he had been lost in the memory, too.
‘I thought you’d have counted them ten times over by now. You’re never usually one to drag your feet when it comes to a challenge,’ he joked.
But, for some reason, the joke made something inside her feel like it was sinking. It was a reminder of how much she had lost herself.
A light from a boat caught her attention in the distance as it rocked in time with the waves.
That was what her twenties had felt like, she thought, being lost at sea with no idea which direction to take.
She wasn’t where she had pictured herself being when she was a young girl.
But then, did she want that? Or did she want to forge a whole new path and set off in a different direction with a destination she had never planned for?
Or would continuing on the same route she had been be the safest bet?
She, honestly, felt like she could imagine ten different versions of her life for herself, and she was running out of time to do them all. And the prospect of picking one felt overwhelming.
This had always been her problem, her inability to go with the flow and let life work itself out. It was something she longed to be able to do.
‘There are a lot of things I thought I’d have done, that I said I would do, but have been forgotten, somehow,’ Noa whispered, not knowing if she was only talking to herself.
But Alex heard, and his eyes softened. But not in pity. Understanding.
‘Whatever you want to do, Noa, you can make it happen. But just know, you don’t need all the answers right now. Maybe just being here and enjoying the moment can be enough?’
She nodded, because for some reason, she felt like if this was all she had, moments in time like this with him, then it really would be enough.
When Noa wrote that list almost three months ago, she could never have envisaged this in a thousand years and yet, Alex had. He had remembered what she had written and made it happen.
And the fact that it felt like a déjà vu moment made it even more significant.
The longer they lay there, the closer their bodies seemed to move toward each other without their permission, like there was a gravitational pull between them, until they were practically cuddled into each other on the beach.
‘Alex. ’
‘Yes, Trouble?’
There was something she’d been dying to ask him, but every time she’d tried, the words got caught in her throat and she’d been too embarrassed to speak them aloud.
‘Why have you never been in a relationship? I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I promise, I’m not judging. I’m just curious is all. I know there have been a lot of women and…’
‘You been keeping tabs on me?’ Alex smirked towards the sky, like he had been loving every second of her ramblings and he was not going to put her out of her misery just yet.
‘Well, when you and my brother practically live in each other’s pockets, it’s not exactly hard,’ she quipped. ‘In fact, it’s impossible not to.’
He turned his head from the stars to look at Noa then, ‘You really want to know?’
‘I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,’ she whispered, because the moment felt too intimate to be shared.
‘Well, as you so politely put it, there have been a lot of women, but there has only ever been one who felt worth working on my insecurities for. It feels embarrassing to admit at age thirty, but when your dad leaves like that, like it’s the easiest thing in the world and you mean nothing, you believe it for a while.
Like, if the one person who is meant to love and support you endlessly can cast you aside without a second thought, then what does that say about you?
And then you start to think that, if he can, then everyone else can, too.
So, keeping everyone at arm’s length, lashing out in anger and making yourself harder to love, just seems like the easiest choice. ’
Those words wrapped claws around her heart and squeezed .
‘But there was one girl who was worth making the hard choice for?’
Alex nodded, his eyes locked on Noa’s.
‘But then, she left, too.’
An emotion passed across his face. She couldn’t place it before he blinked it away.
‘I decided that feelings and relationships didn’t have a place in my life after that.’
She left .
Her heart dropped, and she felt all the blood drain from her face. She didn’t want it to be true. She didn’t want to say it, but she had to.
‘Who was she, Alex?’
‘You, Trouble. The only girl who has ever made it past the barriers of my cold, dead heart is you.’
Time stopped for a moment. The world spun around her and her ears rang. She didn’t know if she really was becoming sick, or if it was the magnitude of the words he had spoken that threatened to sweep her feet from under her.
She had heard him use that nickname for her throughout every stage in her life and thought nothing of it.
It had irritated her for the longest time.
Then, recently, it had turned into an endearment that warmed her heart, had started to wrap itself around her like a comfort blanket.
But, right now, it weighed on her, so much more significance in that one word.
Like, all this time, it hid a thousand meanings that she had ignored, until now when it glared at her in her face.
Noa felt a tear fall from her eyes and trail down her cheek and Alex reached out with his thumb to catch it.
But, in that same moment, as if the world couldn’t just let them have this, her stomach started to churn in a way it hadn’t before, and she felt the heat rising up her throat like she was going to be sick .
No , she thought, not now .
She needed to say something. There was so much she needed to say.
She needed to hug him, and hold him, and make sure he knew what he was worth to her, make him understand that not everyone set out to leave him.
But when she opened her mouth and the bile rose, threatening to bring with it her entire stomach contents, all she could do was rise from the sand and run to the nearest toilet.
Abandoning him, yet again.