Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
Raya
Iwake up on Saturday and force myself to take the morning slow. For reasons I can’t explain, I snap a selfie with my coffee mug, the white lights of the tree twinkling in the background, and I send it to Finn. Like I want him in on this ritual.
I instantly regret it. Because what am I doing?
My feelings are overtaking my logic, and I don’t like it.
But he returns the text with a selfie of his own. He’s holding the video game controller and looking like he just got out of bed.
I tuck the phone away before I text back something stupid like, “Hey, I think I like you.”
His visit yesterday was brief, and while I don’t want to read into it, he almost felt distant. Like maybe he’s letting me get my sea legs back at work. A check-in without lingering.
I should be grateful, but I missed the lingering.
I shake that thought away because who am I right now?
The Comets had a game last night, and even though my sisters asked me to go, I opted out. My resolve is so shaky, I couldn’t let myself get caught up in the hockey hype. On that stage, those guys are larger than life, and I don’t need to get sucked in.
I watched the whole thing alone in my living room.
Poppy and Eloise let me off the hook, but only if I promised to go to the Christkindlmarket Wrigleyville with them today. This makes me think of Finn because he’s mentioned this market to me before. I pull out my phone to ask if he’s been yet, but I delete the text before sending it.
Space is good.
After a two-stop train ride into the city, I get to Wrigleyville and reach the spot where my sisters and I agreed to meet, and find I’m the first one here.
I don’t know much about the Christkindlmarket other than it’s a German-style outdoor market, and judging by the number of people milling around, it’s wildly popular.
There are vendors and booths lined up around a large ice rink, just outside Wrigley Field.
Each booth is lit from the inside with swaths of greenery along the edges of the red-and-white striped roofs.
The smell of roasted nuts fills the air, and tall heating stations line the brick sidewalk that winds all the way around the ice rink.
The vendors are selling all kinds of handmade goods, fresh pretzels, and hot spiced drinks.
I pull out my phone to check for a “sorry we’re running late” text from Eloise or Poppy when I hear someone call my name. I look up to see a whole group of people walking toward me, and I realize that one or both of my very social siblings has turned this into a Chicago Comets outing.
Dallas and Gray are there, of course, along with Jericho and his wife Monica, Krush and his wife Lisa, Junior and his wife Kari, Crosby, Kemp, and a rookie they call Fritz, who still has outstanding paperwork he seems to be avoiding.
Trailing behind, hands in pockets with a huge smile plastered on his face like he’s a kid at Disney World, is Finn.
“Hey, we invited some friends,” Eloise says. “None of these jokers have ever been to the Christkindlmarket.”
“Neither have I,” I say, as Finn catches my eye and holds his hands over his head like, “Do you see all of this?!”
“Hart! Did you see the size of the pretzels?!” He shouts this so loudly that more than a few passersby turn and look.
Jericho grabs him from behind and tries to pull his arms down, but Finn fights him for a second.
“Oh, good grief. I thought I left the kids at home,” Monica says, as Finn breaks free and pushes Jericho, fake-boxing him for a second.
She falls into step beside me as we start walking along the brick sidewalk. “Jericho told me about your health scare,” she says. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m better, thanks for asking,” I say. “They forced me to take some time off, and as much as I hate to admit it, it helped. Gave me some much-needed perspective.”
“We’re trying to keep her busy.” Poppy bumps my shoulder with her own.
“But in a restful way.” She loops an arm through mine, as we stop in front of a vendor selling handmade glass ornaments.
Kari and Lisa move into the booth while a small crowd gathers on the sidewalk around the hockey players, asking for photos and autographs.
Monica looks on. “Nights like this always puff my husband up like a marshmallow. That man lives for the fans.” She shakes her head, amused, and Poppy watches Dallas, lovestruck as always.
I know she can’t wait to marry that man and start a family, and while I want that for her too, I won’t pretend there isn’t a part of me—a newly discovered part—that also wants that for myself.
My gaze drifts to Finn, who is currently on one knee, surrounded by several young kids taking a photo, while he makes a crazy face and stuffs half a German-style pretzel in his mouth.
He’s fun. And happy. And good. But the scene is a stark reminder that he is the opposite of my ideal. It’s a reminder I need, one that’s definitely not been at the forefront of my mind lately.
I pull away from my sister because I need a second to compose myself.
I’m not the girl who believes in fairytales. I’m the realist. The pragmatist. And I need to figure out something—anything—to quell the illogical feelings I have for Finn.
Stupid feelings.
I press my lips together and draw in a slow, deep breath, then let it out just as slowly. We would never, ever work—
“There you are!”
I turn and find Eloise standing in an aisle of the booth I wandered into.
“We’re going to skate. Do you want to come?” she asks.
I scrunch my nose. “I don’t know how.”
“So?” She grabs my arm and pulls me out onto the sidewalk, then physically pushes me toward the entrance of the rink. “It’ll be fun!”
“I’ll make a complete fool of myself,” I say, knowing that protesting with her is pointless. She’s not really listening. And she has no qualms about making a fool of herself, so she won’t understand.
“I don’t care if I suck, and I’m going to try it so my hot boyfriend has to put his hands all over me to make sure I don’t fall down.” She wags her eyebrows and runs off, and I resist the urge to remind her that I don’t have a “hot boyfriend” to steady me.
I find a spot on a bench near the edge of the rink and watch as the hockey players take the ice like it’s their home rink. People in the crowd start to notice them, and they feed right into the excitement over their presence there.
Finn waves at me, motioning for me to join him. I wince lightly, shrugging a maybe? He holds up both hands like no pressure, and then points at me, holds up two fingers and flicks them down against his chin twice.
I quickly look around to make sure no one in my family just saw him tell me I’m cute in sign language. Who is teaching him this stuff?!
I point at him and make a claw with my hand at the side of my head, rotating it slightly. “You’re crazy!”
He laughs and skates off.
I see Eloise take one step on the ice and her legs go out from under her, but Gray catches her under her arms. She looks up at him with a giant smile on her face, and I wonder if he knows she’s falling on purpose.
Monica and Jericho skate hand-in-hand while Lisa breaks loose from the group to show some serious skills, successfully landing an impressive jump.
I scan the rink, and my gaze snags again on Finn, who is gliding so effortlessly he looks like he was born with blades for soles.
Poppy hugs the railing as Dallas coaxes her out onto the ice. She’s unsteady on her skates, but she’s got a wide smile on her face. And when she almost slips, her laugh echoes through the chilly December air.
It looks . . . fun.
A part of me wants to try.
A month ago, I wouldn’t even be here. I’d be in the office. But I’m different now. Or at least, I want to be.
My heart rate kicks up as I stand and walk over to the skate rental, quietly moving to a bench where I take my shoes off and lace up the skates. My hands are shaking, and I try to reconcile the fact that I’m going to fall. I’m going to look silly. I’m not going to be good at this.
And that’s okay.
“It’s not a big deal, Raya,” I mutter to myself as I pull the laces tighter. I’m tired of missing out.
I grab onto the wall and move around to the entrance of the rink. I notice parents with small children and these neat little contraptions that keep them from falling.
I want a contraption.
But I’m a grown woman.
I step out onto the ice as a little kid flies past, falling in a heap right in front of me, exactly where my feet are pointed. The movement is so shocking, and I’m about to collide with the kid when something pulls me upright.
“Whoa, there, Crash.”
A strong arm wraps all the way around my waist, lifting me up and over the kid, away from the wall.
Finn sets me down on the ice, like it’s nothing. “I got you.”
Those words again. This time, they send heat straight through my body.
“I’m all for trying new things, Hart, but let’s not die in the process,” he jokes, steadying me on my wobbly legs.
“Thank you,” I say.
“Saving you is what I do, remember?” He flashes a smile without looking at me, and something inside me settles.
“So, are you here to learn how to skate or what?” he asks, pulling away.
I wobble and cling to him. “Not ready for that yet.”
“I’m going to keep doing it if it means you’re going to hold onto me like that.
” He laughs and leads me through the kind of “how to skate” lesson he might give to a toddler.
We start by bending our knees, finding our balance, and doing little marches on the ice.
Every time I wobble, he’s there to make sure I don’t fall.
My face is so hot it could melt ice right now, a combination of embarrassment and Finn’s nearness, and I give the rink a cursory look to see if anyone’s watching me.
They’re not.
“Yeah, you look ridiculous, Hart,” he says when he notices me looking around. “Own it.” Then he leans closer. “Nobody cares.”
I start to loosen up, so much that when Finn grabs my waist and leads me around the edge of the rink, I actually feel a breeze in my hair.
It makes me feel free, even though I’m basically a stiff ragdoll in his hands.
But it’s fun—I can’t help but laugh out loud, in spite of my feeble protestations.
Finn’s right—nobody cares. And more importantly—if I’m having fun, why does it matter what anyone else thinks about it?
I know this ice rink is not the place for philosophical epiphanies about my life, but it almost feels like something inside me cracked open.
Eloise, who looks a little like a baby giraffe, wobbles past us, whips her arms around in circles as she tries to stay upright but tips over and lands on her butt. She laughs and Gray shoots over from who-knows-where to help her up as I go back to my small marches.
“I thought you’d be better by now,” I hear Gray say to my sister.
I start to get the hang of it, but I’m still clinging to Finn. Crosby whips past us with a low whistle, followed by Junior and Kari, who pretty much look like a pair of ice dancers at the Olympics.
My skate slips, and I start to fall, but Finn catches me again. I let out a nervous laugh. “I’m terrible at this.”
“You’re doing great.”
“You’re just being nice.”
He laughs softly, and my brain shifts into high gear again, trying to imagine what an actual relationship with Finn would look like.
I like him. I’m attracted to him.
But enough to act on it? I don’t know. For the life of me, I can’t see myself with someone who plays video games and watches cartoons. I can’t get past the thought of falling for a guy who is the exact opposite of what I’ve always imagined for myself.
Even someone as kind as Finn.