Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Raya
Iam not in control.
I let my emotions take over the reasoning part of my brain, and now that reason has returned, my mind is spiraling.
Nobody has ever kissed me so intently, so purposefully.
This isn’t just me getting caught up in my feelings—it’s more than that.
Finn has the power to wound me—more than anyone else ever could.
How did I let myself get in so deep?
I push past him into the living room trying to calm my loopy, fluttery, ridiculous feelings—the ones I always avoid. The ones that are exactly why I started my dating experiment in the first place.
And even though that failed, that doesn’t change the reason I did it.
How do I undo feelings? I’m usually so good at keeping them in check, at keeping everyone at arm’s length, at never getting close enough to risk the real thing.
I’m close now, and I don’t know how to back out.
He follows me into the living room. “Raya, I’m sorry if—”
I cut him off. “That can’t happen again.” I hear the uncertainty in my own voice. Or maybe what I really hear is fear.
He straightens. “We’ve been dancing around this thing for months.”
I take a step back. “See, this is why I knew being friends with you was a bad idea.”
“Because you realized you actually want to be more than friends?” He isn’t backing down. Why isn’t he backing down?
I feel myself get defensive. “No. Because this is what you do. You flirt and turn everything into a game. It’s confusing.”
“It’s not a game,” he says, voice tense.
“Look, I know you appreciate bluntness, so let me say it plain so there’s no confusion.
” He waits until I dare to meet his eyes.
“I have feelings for you. Real ones. And I’m sick of pretending I don’t because it might freak you out.
I don’t care if you’re freaked out. Maybe you need to be freaked out if that’s what it’s going to take to get you to admit there’s something here. ”
I freeze for a split second, turn a circle, then rush over and flip on one of the lamps. It’s too romantic in here with the white lights of the Christmas tree.
He moves toward me. “Listen, I know you think what you want is someone just like you. But have you ever considered that maybe you need someone who is completely opposite of the guy you have in your head?”
He takes another step toward me, and I turn away, holding up a hand. I’m so conflicted, feelings raw and exposed in a way that makes me feel ashamed.
I’ve shown him too much. I want him too much.
He stops moving, but he doesn’t stop talking. “Maybe you need someone who knows that sometimes you fall apart. Someone who gives you permission to not have everything figured out all the time.”
I shake my head, but his words burrow straight into my soul because there is a part of me, a quiet part at the back of my mind, silently wanting exactly what he’s offering.
“Tell me I’m wrong, and I’ll drop it,” he says.
Our eyes meet. My heart is racing, and it’s hard to catch my breath.
But I don’t say anything. Because I can’t lie to him when he so obviously knows the truth.
“Raya,” he says, voice soft. “I know you don’t take me seriously.
You think I’m a total screwup, and I get it.
I play into that. And I let you believe I treat you the same way I treat everyone, but I don’t.
” He moves around in front of me so we’re face-to-face.
“This is me throwing my hat in the ring. I’ll go head-to-head with any guy who thinks he can love you better than I can if that’s what you want me to do.
” He takes my arms and waits until I look at him. “All I’m asking for is a chance.”
There’s desperation in his voice. And it scares me because it sounds real. And honest. And I can almost believe it could work.
Almost.
“Finn,” I say his name on a sigh. “You know we would be terrible together.”
“Are you kidding?” he says. “We’d be awesome. We are awesome.”
“We are so different,” I say. “We want different things.”
“I think when it comes to what actually matters, our priorities are pretty much the same.” The words are laced with frustration.
I inhale a slow, deep breath, look him straight in the eyes and say, “You should go.”
Disappointment spreads across his face, but after a beat, he drops his hands, nods, and takes a step back, then grabs his coat off the back of a nearby chair.
I push my hands through my hair. “You don’t want to be with someone like me, Finn.”
“You’re right. I don’t want to be with someone like you.” He pauses until I look at him. “I just want to be with you, Raya. What are you so afraid of?”
I try to swallow, but my throat is dry, and I can’t find the words I want to say.
He stands there for a long moment, then sighs. “Fine. I’ll back off—because you asked me to, but it won’t change how I feel,” he says. “The ball’s in your court now.”
He shrugs his coat on and slips out the door, and it’s only then that I realize I’m holding my breath. I let it out in a long, slow stream and walk over to the window, inching the curtain back slightly, and watch as he gets in his Jeep and slowly pulls away.
Once he’s out of sight, I back away from the window and realize that this changes everything. I can’t keep pretending that this thing between Finn and me is a playful flirtation. His feelings are real.
And as much as I don’t want to admit it, so are mine.
What am I so afraid of?