18. Some Of Them Go In Your Ass
Some Of Them Go In Your Ass
Cara
Bree picked us up and drove us to her house. It’s cute, just along from the diner, a wee semi-detached cottage with red brick walls and a neat little garden to the front.
Once inside, Zoe turned on some music and opened some wine, and Bree served up the pizzas and potato skins she’d cooked.
‘I do love a girls’ night,’ Zoe says brightly, holding up her glass to the middle of the table, and we all raise ours to meet it. Bree and Missy agree, and I decide to own my truth.
‘This is my first.’ All eyes turn to me, and I laugh. ‘I did tell you I haven’t had friends before. I wasn’t joking. People generally don’t like me.’
‘See, how can that be true? You are the sweetest,’ Zoe says before taking a bite of pizza.
‘You’re funny too.’ Bree adds.
‘Let’s not forget smokin’ hot,’ Missy gives her two pennies' worth, and I snort very inelegantly. ‘Well, until you made that noise.’
The cackles that erupt fill my heart with joy unlike any I’ve ever known. This is what it’s like to have friends, and I love it.
Girls’ night is so fun, and it’s safe to say I’ve had a little more to drink than I usually do. We laughed, joked, and got to know each other. I’ve listened to their stories about their exes and told them about Jamie, who they agreed was a total douche . Now we’re on to hearing Zoe talk about the recent dates that she’s been on because she feels like her biological clock is ticking and wants to find the father of her future children.
‘Yeah, he was nice. He was handsome, and he paid for dinner even after encouraging me to get dessert and drink another cocktail.’
I laugh at that.
‘So, did you sleep with him?’ Missy asks nonchalantly, and I feel my lips part in shock. She only met Zoe tonight, so that seems a little personal.
‘Well, there wasn’t a whole lot of sleeping going on.’
I turn my surprise on Zoe as they laugh, and she shrugs nonchalantly.
‘And was he good? Because you can’t spend eternity with a bad lay,’ Bree adds, and Zoe nods, yes.
‘Well, I guess. It was okay.’
‘Goddam, it has been so long since I got fucked, like really fucked.’ Bree sighs, and Missy nods her agreement.
‘Mhmm, it ain’t the same when you have to get yourself there.’
They all laugh, and I try to join in, but this subject is so alien to me.
‘What is the best sex you ever had?’ Missy asks.
‘Oh, easy,’ Bree holds up her glass as Zoe starts to refill. ‘Tristan Beaumont.’
‘Tristan?’ I say, surprised. The guy from the bar.
‘Yes,’ Bree smirks, ‘your dancing partner. He lives next door, so he’s convenient. He’s a jackass, but my god, he’s good with his hands.’ She rolls her eyes and falls back against the sofa. ‘Ugh, that is some good dick.’
I release a shocked laugh.
‘I’m the best sex I ever had,’ Missy says, and everyone laughs at the smug expression on her face. ‘I’m serious, the only benefit of a human dick is that it’s warm and doesn’t need to be charged. Aside from that, nobody rocks my world like I do.’
She raises her glass and takes a large gulp of wine and I feel the heat of embarrassment creep up my cheeks.
‘I can’t remember the last time I had really good sex.’ Zoe looks off into the distance like she’s trying to remember when Bree holds up a finger to her twin.
‘Yes, you do.’ She smirks knowingly.
‘ Bree .’ Zoe glares at her twin in warning, but Bree has had a couple of glasses too many and doesn’t heed it.
‘Zoe fucked Doug’s best friend,’ Bree explains, grinning mischievously. ‘He doesn’t know they hooked up.’
‘And he can’t, so what happens on girls’ night damn well stays there,’ Zoe hisses. ‘Breanne, I swear, you need to learn to keep a secret.’
‘Okay, you’re up, new girl.’ Still smiling, Bree turns her attention to me. ‘Best lay ever, go.’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘Oh, I um, I don’t…’
‘Wait,’ Zoe leans in and meets my gaze. ‘Are you a virgin?’
‘No,’ I protest, ‘I’m not a virgin. I was with my boyfriend for five years. Do you really think that would have lasted if he wasn’t getting sex?’
‘Then what was that look?’
I take, then blow out a deep breath. I’ve never had friends to discuss this stuff with. Maybe it would have made sense sooner if I had. Now I do.
‘Okay, so—’ I take a sip of my wine. ‘I’ve never really enjoyed sex, like, at all.’ I feel their eyes all trained on me, waiting for me to explain that further. ‘I’ve never had an orgasm.’
Well, it’s out there now.
‘Excuse me?’ Zoe almost spits her drink as her sister questions.
‘Never?’ Missy asks, and I shake my head.
‘Never.’
‘Not in five years with your ex?’ Zoe’s voice is higher and faster than I’ve ever heard as she struggles to make sense of my situation.
I shake my head. ‘Or before him.’
‘And since?’ Missy pushes softly.
‘Well, there hasn’t been anyone since.’
‘There’s been you. You don’t even come when you’re alone?’ Bree asks.
‘Oh, no, I,’ Oh god. ‘Well, I don’t, I mean. I’ve never…’
‘You don’t masturbate?’ Missy looks horrified at the revelation, and I shake my head, no.
‘But, how?’ Zoe, still horrified, questions.
‘Well, I…’
‘Cara,’ Bree says my name seriously, and I turn to look at her. ‘You’ve never had a single orgasm your whole life?’ I shake my head, no, once more, and they all simultaneously sip from their glasses.
‘See, the thing is, I thought arousal wasn’t a real thing, or at least I wasn’t capable of being aroused. I never really got all hot and bothered during sex and…’
‘Foreplay?’ Missy asks.
‘Not really something my sexual partners bothered with all that much.’
‘And it didn’t bother him that he wasn’t getting you off?’ Bree looks baffled.
‘No, once he was done, we were done.’
‘Asshole,’ Zoe hisses. ‘Wait, so I get that you slept with selfish men, we’ve all been there, but you don’t get yourself off?’ I shrug, and she leans in to take my hand. ‘Honey, don’t you understand how important it is?’
I laugh, thinking she’s joking, but none of them laugh with me.
‘Cara, she’s right. Orgasms are not only good for you, but you need to understand your body, what you like, what you don’t like, or how are you ever supposed to communicate that with a partner?’ Bree backs up her sister, and I swallow hard.
‘Well, I mean, I just sort of let him do what he needed to do. It never really bothered me.’
‘Oh, my god, sweetie.’ Missy looks concerned. ‘We need to go shopping.’
‘Yes,’ Zoe says enthusiastically. ‘Tomorrow, let’s go.’
‘I’m going to send you some links,’ Bree adds, and I huff, confused by the excitement in the room.
‘Wait, shopping for what? And links?’
‘Porn, sweetie. All ethical and made for the female gaze.’
What?
‘I’ll upgrade your WI-FI at the cabin to premium, too,’ Zoe says, reaching for her phone.
‘And shopping for supplies.’ Missy grins, and I don’t understand what’s happening.
‘Oh, sweet, sweet Cara. We are about to blow your mind.’
‘We won’t worry if we don’t hear from you for a week or two,’ Bree says, winking, and I gulp my wine more enthusiastically than before. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I trust these women, so I’m just going to roll with it.
‘You okay?’
Missy looks at me, concerned, as I stare up at the sex shop window. I haven’t ever considered entering a store like this, and I’m about to do it flanked by my three personal masturbation cheerleaders.
Last night was eye-opening. To hear them talk so freely, not only about sex but about owning their own pleasure, was mind-blowing to me. In my wee little village, that sort of thing is not only not talked about but definitely frowned upon, seen as something dirty, as though ninety-nine percent of the population, if not more, is not doing it the second they’re alone.
As intimidating as the sleek black and gold sign in front of me is, I’m ready to take on this challenge and learn about a side of me I’ve pushed aside for too long… I think.
‘Come on.’ Bree and Zoe walk into the shop ahead of us, and Missy threads her arm through mine.
‘You’ve got this, sweetie.’
Oh wow.
All around me are items that send me straight into sensory overload. The store is dimly lit, and sultry dance music pumps through the speakers. The shelves are packed with, well, phalluses of all shapes and colors and, sweet Jesus , sizes.
‘That’s enormous.’ I gasp, and Missy laughs.
‘Yeah, I don’t think that’s for beginners. Come on.’
‘Ladies, how can I help?’
A young woman approaches, smiling widely and wearing a plain black t-shirt and jeans.
‘Oh, hi. We need a,’ Zoe seems to consider her words, ‘starter kit.’
They all glance my way in turn, and I feel my cheeks flush with heat.
‘Oh, honey. I got you.’
The store assistant takes my hand and leads me through the aisles, then comes to a stop in front of, well, exactly what Zoe asked for. The section is labeled, Beginner’s Toys, and I can’t believe that’s actually a thing.
My eyes widen. There are tubes and bottles, straps, and little wee tassel things. Amongst the fake penises and little rabbits, there are things that look like dog toys and some that look like Christmas decorations, and I’m horrified to realize that my mum’s back massager was not a back massager at all.
‘Do they all go in your…’
‘Not all of them.’ The assistant smiles sweetly. Oh, thank God. ‘Some of them go in your ass.’
Oh, my god.
A squeak escapes me, and Missy squeezes my hand as the gruesome twosome giggle like toddlers.
‘How about we start off with some gels, experiment with different sensations, and maybe a simple vibrator, nothing too scary. These are nice on the outside, and if you want to venture inside, they’re not much bigger than a finger, so they’re a good starting point.’ The assistant points to a toy on the shelf, and I take a deep breath. She’s right. That’s not too intimidating. ‘Or there are these ones that are purely for your clit.’ Oh, Jesus, that word. I can’t imagine ever being able to say that so confidently.
‘We’ll take both,’ Bree says, and I turn to look at her. ‘Best to have options.’
‘I’m getting this.’ Zoe holds up a toy that I cannot for the life of me figure out, and Missy shrieks excitedly.
‘Oh yes, honey. So good, I swear. I have one—ten seconds, and I’m leaving my body, not sure if I’m coming back.’
What is my life right now?
They all fit. They’re all so different, but they all seem so at home here. Zoe with her tattoos on her hands, arms, and legs, her cowboy boots, denim shorts, and newly pastel pink hair that’s straightened so sharply I swear it could cut me. Bree with her long brown waves, high-waisted flared jeans, and cropped blouse, and Missy with her olive skin, hooped earrings, and skintight dungarees. They’re all smoking hot, sexually free, confident women… and then there’s me.
‘Hmm, I might just grab one of those too,’ Bree says, stepping away.
‘You’re going to want lube too,’ the assistant continues like I’m not on the verge of a complete meltdown. ‘Trust me, sweetie . Everything is better with lube.’
‘Lingerie. You need to get lingerie,’ Zoe calls out, and I shake my head.
‘I’m single. What do I need that for?’
‘Cara, have you forgotten our mission today?’ Bree stands with her hands on her hips and looks every bit the police chief. ‘Today is not about anybody but you. If a girl can’t get herself dolled up in some fancy panties and make herself feel damn good, then what is the point in anything?’
‘Damn right,’ Zoe adds.
‘You need to learn how to feel good for you, Cara. Not anybody else.’
I look at these women all around me. My friends. The first people in my life to ever try and push me out of my comfort zone purely for my benefit, and I roll my shoulders back.
‘You know what, you’re right. Zoe. I’ll take one of those too, and yes to the lingerie, the lube, the finger thingy, and whatever else you think I need.’
‘That’s right, girl.’ Missy says, hip-checking me, and I smile. I can do this.
A week. That’s how long the bag full of goodies that the girls convinced me to buy has been sitting in my top drawer, and I swear I can hear it taunting me. I was so full of gusto while I stood at the counter to pay for it. Now, not so much.
‘Fuck it.’ Who even am I? I don’t say fuck it. Forest Falls is changing me.
I push up from the bed to retrieve the bag, and without a second thought, I tip it all out onto the bed.
‘Holy shit.’
I bought three different vibrators—three. I’ve never even looked at a vibrator before. Two of them are rechargeable, and one needs batteries, so they also lay on the bed in the pile. There are two different types of lube, one that’s flavored, for some reason that I don’t understand, but Zoe insisted, a tingle gel, and a heat balm. There’s toy cleaner, lingerie, scented candles that will apparently help me get in the mood, and, rather terrifyingly, a dildo that suctions to tiles and mirrors and shower screens and that I had to close my eyes as Zoe slid it across the counter to be rung up.
As much bravado as I had at the time, now I look at it all with a ball of panic in the pit of my stomach, and I can’t imagine ever using any of it.
I have promised, not only the three amigos, but also myself that I will try. I’ll try to be more open. I’ll try to push past my worries and fears, and mostly, with mounting pressure from Bree, I promised that I’d watch porn. So, for the first time in my life, at just shy of thirty years old, I unlock my iPad, open the link my new friend sent me, and settle back.
‘Okay, Cara,’ I ready myself, ‘prepare to be aroused.’
And with that, I press play.