8. Amy
8
AMY
M y body tingles all over from what I just did with Landon. I never knew it could feel this good to be with a man. It’s not just the things he does to my body. My heart flutters whenever he’s in the room.
I watch the fire truck scream out of the station, and apprehension grips my heart. I check the call log, and it’s a medical emergency. It’s a relief knowing Landon’s not going to face a fire.
The first splattering of rain starts as I run to my car. I dive into the seat and sit for a while, watching the rain splash on the windscreen.
I can no longer deny the feelings I have for Landon. I tried to ignore him, to push him away, but ever since I’ve been back on Wild Heart Mountain, he’s all I think about.
But I can’t do that to Izzie, can I? And what if he’s only after the physical side? Or, my heart whispers, what if he wants more?
The thought makes my stomach clench. I’ve seen the bad side of marriage. I’ve seen what happens when two people can’t be together anymore.
When Dad left, I swore I’d never get married. That I’d never make the same mistakes as my parents. Yet here I am, for the first time considering letting a man into my life.
Maybe I should just go back to France and forget about Landon.
It’s dark by the time I reach home. Mom’s sitting up watching TV.
She takes one look at me and turns off the TV.
“What’s wrong, love?”
I don’t know what to tell her. Our relationship was never close. I could never tell her the things I was up to when I was a teenager, and the distance seems too great now.
She smiles gently. “You want a hot chocolate?”
I follow Mom into the kitchen. She’s having a good day, and her movements are normal. She’s the bustling mom I remember as she moves around the kitchen, boiling the water and spooning hot chocolate into two mugs. She’s improved a lot since dialysis started. She’s gotten used to the routine, the lethargy straight after, and then the renewed energy for a day or two until she has to do it all over again. She’s been back at work a few days a week.
Mom adds warm milk to the mugs, and we sit at the kitchen table with our drinks.
“Has this got anything to do with the man who sent the roses?”
I sip my hot chocolate. I’ve never spoken to Mom about a man before. There was never anything to tell.
“Yeah.”
She nods sagely. “Do you like him?”
I think about Landon, his intense gaze, the way my body responds whenever he’s around. A smile spreads across my face. “Yeah, I do.”
Mom sits back in her chair. “Then what’s the problem?”
Where do I begin? He’s twice my age, he’s Izzie’s dad, he’s my boss. But all of that pales compared to the fear that squeezes my chest whenever I admit to myself I might love him.
Mom watches me expectantly. Her eyes have fewer dark circles than when I first arrived, and she’s gaining weight in her face again. For a moment, I catch a memory of Mom with her eyes red-rimmed and her hair a mess, unable to get out of bed for days because Dad left.
A shudder goes through me. I’ve seen what love can do, and I don’t want that.
“I don’t want to fall in love.”
Mom frowns, and her hand reaches for mine. “Oh honey. You can’t close up your heart to love.”
I frown. I was sure Mom would understand after what she went through.
“But I saw what love did to you. I don’t want that.”
Mom squeezes my hand. “Honey, you saw the worst part. It hurt when your dad left. Not because I still loved him. It was a mutual decision to end our marriage. We both agreed we were better off apart, but it didn’t stop it from hurting. I hurt because the marriage was ending, something I thought would last forever. But your dad leaving was always the right decision.”
I’m more confused now. “Why bother getting married if it’s just going to end?”
Mom sits back and takes a sip of her drink A wistful expression crosses her face. “When I met your father, I thought he hung the moon. We loved each other.”
She smiles. I’ve never heard her talk about Dad like this. “We had a lovely time together. We travelled, then we came back here. There were a lot of good times, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“But the truth is, your dad and I were never suited for each other. It got ugly as the years went by. But those early years were some of the happiest of my life. I don’t regret a thing.”
“But how do you know if the one you love is suited to you or not? How do you know if it’s going to last?”
She shrugs. “You don’t. All love involves risk, Amy. These days couples go to counselling and all sorts. Back then, we didn’t work on our marriage. Your father missed home. He missed France. He was never at home here.”
She shakes her head as if shaking off the memory. “All love is risky. You might get hurt. But I can guarantee you, it will be worth it.”
I sip my drink, trying to take in what she’s telling me. Maybe it will work with Landon. Maybe it won’t. Do I want to take that chance?
Then there’s Izzie to think of. Is it worth risking a friendship as well as my heart? Maybe it’s better to leave before I get in too deep.
Mom seems to be doing better, and Rodney has been helping out a lot too.
“I’m thinking of heading back to France soon.”
Mom nods slowly like she’s been expecting this. “You’re running away again.”
Her words sting. “I’m not running away, Mom. They’re keeping my job open for me. I have a job there; I have a life.”
“But do you have love?”
I press my lips together. She’s right. If I go back to France, it’s the safe option. If I stay here, I don’t know what will happen.
“I’ll be fine here if you need to leave, Amy. But make sure it’s for the right reasons. You should run to love, not away from it.”
She takes her mug to wash it out in the sink, but I stay at the table. I’m conflicted. Is Mom right? Do I run away from everything?
My phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. It’s Suzie from Search and Rescue.
“Can you come in? We’ve got a lost hiker, and we’re sending everyone out. With this storm coming, we need to get them to safety quickly.”
I push all thoughts of Landon out of my head as I grab my coat and head out to help.