22. Kai
Chapter 22
Kai
Leo is sleeping. He looks beautiful with moonlight streaming over him. So peaceful. I can remember every moment of our lovemaking. Every touch, every kiss, every sound. How wonderful yet overwhelming it was to be so close, so intimate with the man I love. It was intense and wondrous, and it made me so happy.
But now darkness is growing inside me. The odd feeling I couldn’t fathom or name is back one hundredfold, getting bigger, threatening to drown me in premature grief. I sit, hug my legs, and press my face to my knees. I don’t want to think about the future. I don’t. It’s a long way away, and yet it’s sickeningly close. How long is fifty years, sixty, or even seventy when you’ve existed for eternity? Nothing. A fleeting moment. Too fast. Too soon.
I slip away, not wanting to wake Leo. I manifest clothes as I walk through the apartment and slip out the door. I press my back to the wall, slide to the floor, rest my face in my hands, and sob.
A door opens.
“Oh, you poor dear,” Janice says.
I look up. She’s shimmering and dancing through my tears, even though she’s still. She’s wearing a padded, flowery dressing gown and fluffy slippers. Her white hair is in rollers.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t. I don’t sleep as well as I used to. I was making myself some hot milk. Did you and Leo have a fight?”
“No,” I croak.
“Does he know you’re here?”
“He’s asleep.”
“Come inside. I can put some extra milk in the pan.” She holds out her hand.
I take her hand, even though I don’t need the help getting up. We go into her flat, and I sit on the sofa, sniffling, as she prepares hot milk in a saucepan.
“Do you want some cocoa in it?”
“Please.” I’ve never had hot milk, let alone hot milk with cocoa, but it sounds nice.
She brings me a steaming mug. It warms my palms. My hands are shaking. I’m quivering all over. The darkness inside me is bigger. I’m gripped by dread. For the first time, I don’t want to be infinite. I sip the hot cocoa and stare at the room. At the dozens of cat figurines—a couple look like cat-me—at the photos on the wall, of Janice when she was younger and a man. Was he the man she loved?
She follows my gaze. “That’s Gerald. My husband.”
“Where is he?”
She replies with a sad smile. “He died a few years ago.”
My shoulders shudder. I cry harder.
She sits beside me and hugs me, coaxing my head onto her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
Why is she being so kind to me? She barely knows me. She knows nothing about me. Sure, she helped me by distracting Leo while I built the blanket fort. I knew he would be safe here. And she lent me some board games. But beyond that, she doesn’t know me.
“How do you go on?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“Without him?”
“Oh.” She rubs my shoulder. “Because I know Gerald would want me to. I miss him every day, but he wouldn’t want me to stop living just because he’s gone.”
“How do you know?”
“Because he loved me. And when you love someone, you want them to be happy, not sad.”
“But you were sad when he died, weren’t you?”
“Of course. I still am—more so around his birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary. But the more time has passed, the more the happiness takes over. I remember the wonderful years we spent together. All the things we did together. Those memories make me happy.”
“Have you forgotten what his voice sounds like? ”
She frowns. “What an odd question.” She gnaws on her bottom lip for a moment. “Maybe the exact cadence, yes, but I remember his voice was kind, deep, and rumbly. I remember the gooey expression in his eyes whenever he looked at me. Leo looks at you like that, you know.”
My chin trembles.
“Leo’s a little older than you, isn’t he?”
I nod. It might not be true, but he looks older than I do.
“I’d guess he’s at least five years older. Perhaps ten. The older I get, the harder it is to tell someone’s age. I look at a young un and think they’re no more than fourteen, only to be told they’re twenty! But you must be in your mid-twenties, mustn’t you? And Leo is thirty-five. But you’re thinking a long way into the future if you’re worried about losing him. The two of you have many years together to look forward to. Unless—nothing’s wrong, is it? Leo isn’t sick?”
“No. Nothing like that. He’s strong and healthy.” I sound like I’m appraising a champion horse rather than talking about the man I love.
She pats my knee. “There are you are, then. You’ll have lots of years together if that’s what you want. Decades.”
I know, but it’s not easing the pain inside me.
“But if you concentrate on what might be, you won’t enjoy what is. We all die eventually, Kai. It’s a fact of life everyone has to come to terms with.”
Except I won’t die. I’ll go on. Forever .
“You should talk to Leo about how you’re feeling.”
“I can’t.”
“Oh, hush. Of course you can, dear. You love him. I can tell by the way you look at him that you do. And by how he looks at you too. You’re smitten by each other. It’s beautiful. But you need to talk to him. You can’t keep this bottled up inside. Talk. He’ll listen and do everything within his power to make you feel better.”
I nod. I can’t speak. I’m too strangled by tears. Why has this hit me now? Everything was beautiful and perfect, and now I’m a mess.
Because we made love.
Because I realised that he is everything to me.
Because I’ll be lost without him.
How did I let this happen? I should have kept my distance. I should have never revealed myself to him. I should never have purred my way into his life. In my gut, I always knew I was supposed to watch and protect but not interact with my human. Is this why? Not to keep my existence secret but to stop me from experiencing the pain of loss? There might not be any cosmic repercussions for what I’ve done, but I’ll be punished all the same. Eventually, I’ll lose Leo, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
She takes the cup of hot cocoa from my hands and sets it on the coffee table. “Go to him.” She helps me stand and guides me to the door. “Tell him what you’re feeling.”
“Thank you.”
“I haven’t done much. ”
“You listened.”
“So will Leo. He loves you. Don’t doubt it.”
I brush the tears from my cheeks and lick them off my lips. It doesn’t help. “I won’t. I don’t.” My voice is a painful croak.
She watches me as I go to Leo’s door. It’s unlocked, so I’m able to go inside. I wave at her and close the door, latch it, and pad into Leo’s bedroom.
I slip into bed beside Leo, snuggling close. I don’t want to wake him. We can talk in the morning. I cry as silently as I can, unable to stop the flood of tears.
He puts his hand on my arm, rolls over, and opens his eyes, staring straight into mine. “Kai?” He wraps his arms around me, holds me tight, and rubs my back as I sob.
“I’m sorry.”
“No. Don’t apologise. Just tell me what’s wrong, please?”
“I don’t want to be infinite anymore.”
He widens his eyes. His mouth forms a large O. He shakes himself and strokes my cheek. “What are you talking about?”
“I told you I’ve never been lonely.”
“I remember. You know you’re not alone.”
I cling to him. “But I will be. I will be alone.”
“Kai, you’re not making any sense.”
I crumble completely. Sobs shake my body so intensely I can’t think or breathe. Leo pulls me against his chest, cradling me, stroking me. But even his comforting embrace can’t ease the pain inside me. It’s almost fully consumed me now, suffocating all of tonight’s joy. The close intimacy we shared is becoming a hazy dream. I’m losing myself, and I can’t do anything about it.
“Kai.” He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, my lips. “Please talk to me, Kai.”
I want to, but I’m drowning.
“Kai.” He kisses me deeply, creating a fluttering pulse of hope in the heart of the darkness. It ignites a tiny spark, which grows. “Talk to me.”
“I’ll be alone when you’re gone.”
He pushes my hair away from my face. “Oh, Kai. You told me that wouldn’t be for a long time.”
“And it won’t. But a long time for you is nothing for me.”
He sighs. “I know.”
“Which is why I don’t want to be infinite anymore.”
“What are you saying?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe I could become human. Or maybe, when you’ve gone, I could cease to be. Vanish. Be no more. Anything would be better than being alone.”
“No.”
I blink. “No?”
“No.” His voice is gentle but firm. “What about the people you’re destined to protect after me?”
“There are other angels.”
“But none of them are you. And you don’t have to be alone without me, Kai. You know you can interact with the people you protect now. You know you don’t have to hide or conceal yourself. Be their cat, be their best friend. Be their anything. Their lives will be richer for having you in them.”
“But—”
He kisses me to silence me. “And one day, you might even fall in love again.”
I blink back tears and shake my head. “No. I could never feel this way again.”
“You might. I’d want you to.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to be alone, Kai. I love you. I want you to be happy. I couldn’t stand the thought of knowing your life would end with mine. You’re an angel. You’re infinite for a reason. People die, but life has to go on.” He smiles and strokes my cheek. “A tiny ginger-and-white kitten taught me that eighteen years ago.”
I choke out a laugh.
“You must go on. Promise me, Kai. Promise you’ll live and laugh and love beyond me. Promise.”
Fresh tears shatter me. “I can’t.”
“Kai—”
“You are the most wonderful, selfless person I’ve ever protected, Leo. But I’m not selfless. I want to be selfish. I want to end with you. I can’t stand the thought of going on without you.” I press my hand over his heart. “But more than anything, I wish you could be infinite with me. I wish I didn’t have to lose you. I can’t lose you.”
Leo strokes my hair. “Oh, Kai. Everyone gets lost eventually. We could have sixty years together. Maybe more. You’ll be sick of me by then.”
I know he’s trying to make me laugh, but I shake my head fiercely, not wanting to embrace the levity he’s trying to inject into the conversation. “I’ll never be sick of you. I’ll never be ready to let you go.”
He kisses my forehead. “No one ever is ready. Goodbyes are never easy, but they come all the same, just like the sun rises and sets every day.”
“Very poetic.”
“Eh, I won’t give up my day job.” He cups my cheek.
I press my hand harder over his heart. “I wish?—”
He kisses me. “I know. And I wish your wish could come true. But the reality is, one day, decades into the future, you will have to say goodbye to me. I need to know that won’t be the end of you too. You have people who will need you, Kai. People who probably aren’t born yet. People whose lives will be cut short if you’re not there to protect them. I need you to promise me you’ll be there for them. I need you to promise me you won’t let grief destroy you any more than you let it destroy me.”
“Leo—”
“Say the words. Say it out loud. Promise.”
I nod and stare at him through cascading tears. “I promise.”
“What, Kai? What do you promise?”
“That I’ll live and laugh and—and—” I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head.
“That’ll do. I love you. ”
He kisses my tears away and holds me long after I stop shuddering and shivering. Soft dawn light filters into the room, illuminating us in hazy pink and purple light. My cheeks are still soaked with tears, but I’m not actively crying anymore.
“You realise I have no plans to go anywhere until I’m at least one hundred, don’t you?” Leo asks.
I sniff and laugh. “I can imagine you being stubborn enough to hang on until then.”
“I want a telegraph from the king.”
“Huh?”
“In the UK, when you turn one hundred, you get a telegraph from the reigning monarch. At least, it used to be a telegraph. Maybe it’s a card or a letter now. I should look it up.”
“You have plenty of time to find out.”
“Sixty-five years, to be exact. It’s a long time, Kai. We have a long and happy future ahead of us.”
“I’m looking forward to it. But are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes. I’ve never been more sure of anything. You have my heart, Kai. Now. Always. I love you.”
“But being with me limits you.”
He frowns. “How so?”
“I’m not human. I don’t exist.”
“You do to me and everyone that matters.”
“You could never marry me.”
He smiles. “I don’t need to get married, Kai. Marriage isn’t everyone’s happy ending. It’s not mine.”
I raise a brow. “Oh? What is? ”
“Being with you. Living each day to the full with you. Making the most of every second, every minute, every day, every week, every month, every year, every decade, with you.”
I laugh. “I get the idea.”
“Good.”
“But what about children?”
“What about them?”
“Do you want kids one day? Because that won’t be possible with me.”
“I’ve never even thought about having kids.” He purses his lips, and his eyes sparkle. “Now, a dog, on the other hand?—”
I swat him playfully across the chest.
He gasps. “You don’t like dogs.”
“Eh, they’re okay, I guess. I prefer cats.”
He kisses the tip of my nose. “So do I. Maybe we could get one someday after Cayenne… leaves .”
“I’d like that.”
“Do you know what else is my happy ending?”
I shake my head.
“Knowing you’ll always be there, watching over someone who needs you as much as I did, maybe even more. When all is said and done, when I’m old and grey and my time comes, I will die happy because I’ve known you, and I’ll know that others will too.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” He smiles and kisses me. “Can we think happy thoughts from now on? Enjoy the life we have together right now? ”
I nod. “I’m sorry.”
“No. You’ve nothing to be sorry for. But live in the moment from now on, Kai. The future you’re afraid of is a long, long way off. Hopefully, you’ll be less afraid when we reach it.”
“You make me feel safe.”
“I’m glad.” He pulls me closer still, kisses my forehead, and rests his chin on my head. “I’m here now , Kai. We’re together now . And my heart will always be yours.”
“I’ll carry it with me forever. I will never forget you.”
“Then I’ll live forever—in your heart.” He kisses my hair and smiles against my head. “You are my happy ending, Kai, and I hope I’m your happy beginning. That, in loving me, you learn to live.”
“Revealing myself to you was the best decision I’ve ever made.”
“Yeah?”
I snuggle closer to him. “Yes.”
“Well, taking you to my cousin’s wedding was the best decision I’ve ever made.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“It wasn’t? What was it, then?”
I grin. “Letting me share your bed. Oh no! Kissing me was.”
Leo chuckles and squeezes me.
“And I’m going to need you to kiss me every day.”
“That’s not a hard request to fulfil. Let’s start right now.” He presses his lips to mine and kisses me like he’s never kissed me. “We should get some sleep. I have to be at work in a few hours.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You needed me. Are you all right now?”
“Yes.”
“Then let’s fall asleep together.”
I smile, but it fades when my gaze falls on his chest, on the place I’d pressed my hand against so desperately earlier.
“What’s wrong?” Leo asks.
“I made a mark.” Tentatively, I graze my fingers over the feint grey blotch over his heart, longer than it is wide and curling slightly. It’s the colour of ash but doesn’t smudge or fade when I touch it. “Does it hurt?”
Leo looks down and rubs his hand over it. “It’s a little warm and tingly.”
I tug my brows together. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“It doesn’t hurt, Kai.”
“But what is it?” I press my hand to my mouth. What have I done? Have I hurt Leo? I’m supposed to protect him.
“Hey.” He grips my shoulders. “It doesn’t hurt. I’m okay.” He rubs the mark again. “It’ll probably wash away when I have a shower. Lie with me.”
I snuggle close to him, holding him, being held.
“I love you,” he whispers and kisses the crown of my head.
“I love you too.”