Chapter 15 JP – NEVER TOLD HER #3
“Same.” I grinned. Her face immediately relaxed, like she was relieved she said the right answer. “There’s a pretty good pizza spot on the way home. We could grab some on our way back? Have our own little after-party in the living room?”
Her face lit up so much I had to laugh.
“Okay, pizza it is,” I said with a grin.
I kept her tucked under my arm to keep her warm as we made our way through the lightly falling snow.
An hour later, we were both three slices of pizza deep and in sweatpants and hoodies, curled up on the lumpy couch in our billet house.
The three of us really lucked out with this particular billet family.
We had the whole first floor of this house to ourselves, which included three small rooms, a tiny living room, and a kitchenette.
An elderly couple, our “billet family,” lived on the second floor and occasionally made meals for us and showed up to games when they felt like it.
“I’m excited to see the roses come back in the spring,” Ali said as she fished another breadstick out of the box. “I really hope I didn’t hurt them when we were pruning.” She frowned. “I’m not the best at it.”
I laughed. She probably decimated at least a few of them, but I’d never say that aloud. “Nah, I’m sure ya did well. My dad’s probably loving it that someone finally listens to him go on and on and on—”
“Oh stop,” she said, playfully swatting my stomach. “Your dad is so nice.”
I snorted. “No, he just has a soft spot for you.” When I was training her at Herb’s over the summer, she broke five pots, tripped and tore down the shade cloth covering a whole section of flowers, and accidentally spilled a huge bag of soil on top of herself in the storefront, but my dad didn’t get mad at her a single time.
In fact, each time she messed up, he’d comfort her.
I couldn’t blame him. Ali was pure sunshine, and she brought a new light to Herb’s.
“That’s not true,” she said, but she couldn’t hide her grin.
I arched an amused eyebrow. “Okay, so when I over-watered the hydrangeas, what happened?”
“He swatted you upside the head,” she snickered.
“And…”
She scrunched her nose. “And there may have been some yelling involved.”
I nodded. “And the last time you forgot to bring in the display of petite arborvitaes and the deer ate ‘em all up, he…?” I eyed her.
She twisted her lips in an effort not to laugh.
“He…” I motioned for her to finish the sentence.
“He gave me a pat on the head,” she conceded. “But that’s because I was crying,” she argued with a laugh. “He knows I didn’t want to hurt them.”
My eyes widened. “And I wanted to hurt the hydrangeas?”
She pushed a finger into my chest as her eyes smiled up at me. “You called them stupid flowers.”
I scoffed. “They are.”
“You hurt their feelings.” She pouted her lip out.
“They got me stung by a bee,” I burst out. “And plants don’t have feelings, Ali.”
She gasped. “Yes, they do.” She stared me down. “Take it back.”
“What?” I laughed. “No, I won’t, because they don’t.”
Her eyes went comically wide. “They do, too, Jameson!” She gave me a playful shove.
I stared down at where she pushed me. “Oh my God.” I struggled to keep a straight face. “My dad got to you,” I said, making her collapse into me in a fit of giggles. “Plants do not have feelings, Ali,” I said, laughing along with her.
When she looked up at me, I traced her hairline with my index finger, making her go still. Her wide brown eyes bounced all over my face, then went to my lips. This was it. I had to make a move. My heart hammered in my chest as I dipped closer to her.
“Wait.” Her hand shot to my chest. She clenched her eyes shut.
I froze, her hand feeling like it was searing my skin.
“I can’t.” She pulled away from me and moved to the other side of the couch.
The room felt twenty degrees colder.
“Oh, okay, that’s okay,” I murmured, feeling lost and unbalanced. “I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
She stared straight ahead.
I had no clue what else to say to make this better.
A tense silence stretched between us as I mentally backtracked through the last couple minutes.
The most obvious explanation for her reaction popped into my brain, and my gut twisted.
“Ali,” I said softly. Her eyes flicked over to mine. “You’re back with him, aren’t you? You’re back with Rossi?”
Her slender throat bobbed with a swallow. She slowly pulled her knees to her chest, looking small and unsure again.
Everything became crystal clear in that moment. Why she seemed so different tonight. It was him. I didn’t know the intricacies of their relationship, but I knew he had a way of dulling her confidence. I saw it each time they were together. He made her question everything she said and did.
A swell of frustration built up inside of me. Standing, I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. “Tell me I’m wrong.” I dropped my hands to look at her. She looked so damn small and sad. “Please fucking tell me I’m wrong.”
Tears erupted from her eyes, throwing me off.
My shoulders dropped. “Ali, I didn’t mean to—”
“No.” She held a hand up to ward me off and scrambled off the couch. “You don’t get to be mad. I…” Her eyes darted all over the room, like a cornered cat. “I don’t have to explain myself.”
I stared at her, feeling absolutely gutted. “Can you try?”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “I hate being alone, JP. I’m always alone.
” Her chin quivered. “You don’t know what that’s like.
My dad’s scouting now, so he’s always gone, and my mom and Annie are in Montreal.
Even Piper left Centre Ice. And you…” She held her hand up toward me and then dropped it.
“You didn’t want me, JP. You’ve already said it, so I don’t know why you care if I’m going out with someone else. I need to do what’s best for me.”
My mind whirled, I stared at her in shock. “What’s best for you? What’s best for you is not him, Ali. He’s… he’s…”
“He’s what?” She threw her arms down.
“He’s an asshole!” I yelled, then immediately regretted it. I didn't want anyone else hearing her business. I scrubbed my hands over my face. “He’s not good for you, Ali. Every time you’re with him, you turn into this…this…this…”
“This what?” she burst out.
“This weak version of yourself. I hate it,” I seethed.
She reared back like I slapped her.
I swore under my breath. “I shouldn't have said that.” My jaw hardened with frustration and guilt. “But you’re not acting like yourself. Kappy saw it too.”
Her hands clenched into fists and her jaw turned hard. “Maybe you just don’t know me anymore.” Her eyes filled with more tears. She pursed her lips, trying to bottle her emotions, but it was useless. “Maybe I am just weak.” She turned on her heel and made a beeline to Colt’s room.
My jaw dropped open. “No, Ali, that’s not what I meant. He’s making you like this. Can we just talk this out?” I begged as I followed her.
She didn’t break her pace.
“Ali, you don’t need to—”
She slammed Colt’s door in my face.
I stood there, feeling the reverberations from the door. My ears rang as regret weighed down on me. My forehead fell against the door, like a toddler in timeout.
I knew I should’ve handled it way differently, but after hearing she was with him again, frustration overwhelmed my mind. I clamped my teeth together so hard they could crack. Why? Why him?
I turned and slid my butt down to the floor. Holding my head, I tried to reason through how this all got so fucked up. I really wished it was more complicated, but it came down to two very simple facts:
Back in August, I was scared to be with her.
And after I left, she was scared to be alone.
Deep down, I knew this made me partially responsible for her running back to him. I led her on all last summer, made her feel like we were dating, and then dipped. I made her cry that day she left work early. I knew I did, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself.
I sat there on the dingy carpet hating him and hating myself.
I eventually fell asleep where I sat against the wall.
When I woke in the morning, Ali was already gone.
What’s worse? I never even corrected her.
I never told her I wanted her.