Chapter Thirty-Five #2
“I guess he is a man. In a way? He’s super smart too. He’s only one year older.”
“Yeah? He’s so, like, chiseled.”
Sabrina tried to imagine what it would be like to kiss a boy who looked like Ryo.
There were certain people she didn’t even dare to look at directly.
She felt like her eyes would hurt, like when she looked directly at the sun.
Kit was never this way, she believed she deserved everything, unlike Sabrina.
But this summer, something had changed, and Sabrina found a way to shine and allow her true self to emerge from the shadows.
Kit was never really an outsider like Sabrina, but Dave’s inability to acknowledge her in public would have left her with wounds and cuts to her pride.
Kit never had a problem standing up and being seen when her name was called.
Sabrina knew that deep inside of Kit, a part of her wanted to be looked at.
And only a person who wanted to be seen could be with a boy who looked like this.
Because Ryo was what Kit and Sabrina used to describe as “devastatingly handsome.”
Sabrina lied to Kit and left the house on Gravers Lane early.
I gotta go check on my shifts and get some work down to Eva before the end of the day.
Sabrina rushed to the club and waited for Dave in the parking lot.
She watched the entrance from beside his car. She was playing the Indigo Girls a little louder than usual on her headphones. She mouthed along to the songs, not letting her voice emerge.
She wondered if Kit still listened to this album after years of them exchanging playlists.
Did she keep them? There were so many things she had wanted to ask Kit, but an invisible wall had slowly built up between them while they’d been apart.
The thread of friendship was frayed so dangerously thin now, it threatened to snap at any moment.
And now she knew she had to see Dave—to tell him the truth about how she felt about him, before he saw Kit again, before everything that had happened over the summer moved firmly into the past.
He came out the door, talking to another boy. They both wore backpacks slung over one shoulder, racket handles sticking out behind them, their hair wet from the locker room. Dave had seen her, and she heard herself sigh as he said his goodbyes, pointed toward Sabrina, and ran over to his car.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were working today.”
“I wasn’t. I thought I’d come say hi.”
“Cool. I don’t think I’m going to have time for our drive. I have to head home soon, we have people coming over for dinner—it’s so boring. Shall we do something tomorrow?”
Sabrina wondered if it was Kit and her parents who were coming over.
···
They walked along the path that split the golf course from the club.
Lee Lee always made a comment every time they drove past the club on the way out of Chestnut Hill.
If only you knew how lucky you are. We never had this in China.
In China, it’s all concrete. Your exercise is all done together on the concrete playground, and you follow the instructions.
These Americans and their fancy clubs, all these facilities, all these fields and gyms, just for your health and well-being.
None of it is necessary. They don’t know how lucky they are.
“So I went to see Kit earlier,” Sabrina said and regretted it instantly.
“Oh yeah? So she’s back?”
“Yeah, she got back yesterday, I think.” She had started now, and there was no going back.
“Did she have a good time?”
“I think so. She met a guy. He’s actually coming to visit.” Sabrina watched Dave’s face carefully. How he responded now would determine what she said next.
“Oh yeah? I think my mom mentioned something.”
“So how do you feel?”
“About what?” His voice became tense.
“About her with this guy. I mean, I hear he is like really amazing and stuff and that they’re going to try to do some long-distance thing.”
“Wow. That’s pretty intense. After what? I don’t know how long she’s been gone. Two weeks?” He knew how long she had been gone. He had told her yesterday that it had been six weeks since they had seen Kit.
“Longer. Do you feel weird hearing about her?”
“Nope, not really. We’re all heading off, it’s a new start.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
They walked the path that looped all the way back around to the club.
They had stopped talking. Sabrina wanted to say that she was happy Kit had found someone else.
That she and Dave had become friends. She wanted to say that she was happy that he got in a fight over her at the party the other night.
She wanted to tell him that this friendship between them meant she had had the best summer of her life.
She wanted to tell him that seeing him meant everything to her.
“Hey, Dave, we’re friends, right?” She tried to suck down a breath, but something blocked her throat.
“What? Yeah, of course.”
“So, we’re not, I don’t know, anything else.”
“You mean us? Like you and me?”
“Yeah, is that so crazy?”
Dave was quiet, and Sabrina knew the silence meant what she wanted to hear least. She knew that he didn’t feel the same way. But now he would have to let her down gently, and he might not be her friend anymore, and she felt herself starting to choke on the tears that closed her throat.
“It’s not crazy, but it’s also not what I would want. I think our friendship is too important.” He was serious, the most serious she had ever seen him. His eyes were pained, as though he were on the precipice of pleading with her.
“Oh, sure. Okay.”
“This is not some brush-off, Rina. I mean this.” He stopped to look at her when he spoke to her. “I want us to be friends. I need us to be friends. This has become real important to me.”
“I understand. It’s cool. We are friends.”
“Yeah, but now I don’t want it to be awkward. I want to keep hanging out with you. To keep going to the movies, to keep having you nag me about not doing stupid stuff when I drink.”
Sabrina snorted, but the pain started to seep into her. To her surprise, instead of tears, she felt a raging fire erupt in her chest. Just like Kit, he wanted everything on his terms. What about what was important to her?
“So what you’re saying is you want a babysitter. For when you’re not out fucking girls you actually want to be with?”
Dave was shocked when she swore. She was too. She didn’t know where it had come from. She felt outside her body, like someone else had taken over her brain.
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not. I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it. You mean a lot to me, Sabrina.” He tried to hold her hand. And she just let her arm hang there. Her eyes had started to fill with tears, and she hated herself.
She couldn’t say anything. She was afraid she would choke up, and he would know how sad she was, knowing he didn’t feel the same way.
“Is it because of her? Because she has moved on with some new guy. Some super fancy Japanese American hot dude who looks like a movie star. Because you’re out of the picture now.”
“It’s not because of her.”
“Then why? I’m just not pretty enough? I’m not as pretty as her. I’m too Chinese for you?”
“Jesus, Sabrina. No.” He was getting red around the neck. They stood awkwardly as a gust of wind came up onto the raised path overlooking the field.
“Well, what is it then?”
“I just don’t feel that way, okay? I can’t force that. I’d be lying. And I want to be your friend. I want to stay your friend.”
She didn’t reply. Her lip stuck out, she felt ugly, and her eyes were red from the tears she kept trying to push away.
She wanted to run back to Kit’s and pretend none of this had happened.
Maybe steal a bottle of wine from the Herzogs’ cellar.
She wanted to be anywhere but there, standing in front of Dave, who wouldn’t look away. She wanted to scream Don’t look at me .
“You better go,” Sabrina replied and started to walk ahead of him. Before this conversation, she would have worried about how she looked to him, walking ahead of him. The shape of her legs in the shorts she wore. Not then.
They walked in silence back to the parking lot.
“Sabrina.” She heard her name called and turned to see Sally Herzog talking to someone at the club entrance.
Sabrina forced a smile, but she could see from Sally’s knitted brows that she wasn’t fooling her.
“Are you okay?” Sabrina saw Sally’s eyes travel beyond Sabrina and land on Dave.
There was a look of understanding, Sally could see they were no longer just high school acquaintances.
And now Kit would know. Mrs. Herzog would tell her daughter how she had walked in on something, just like Lee Lee would have told Sabrina if she had walked in on something that had passed between two teenagers she knew.
“Yes, thank you, Mrs. Herzog. I’m great.”
“Hi, David,” she called out.
Dave waved. “Hey, Mrs. Herzog.” He smiled. He was better than her at pretending. She wondered whether, to him, nothing had passed, whether, in fact, none of it even mattered to him. Meanwhile, she wanted to lie in bed and cry for days.
“Kit’s here too, we came down to pick up some takeout. Hold on.” She walked into the club again.
Sabrina wanted to run. Dave looked at her, silent, asking What should I do ?
“I’m going, you just tell them I had to leave, okay? So it’s not weird or anything.”
Sabrina nodded and pushed the tears away from her eyes. There was a wet streak over her hand that she wiped behind her.
Kit walked out with Sally. Kit’s hair was down, her eyes soft from the jet lag. Sabrina watched as Kit looked at her and then beyond her at Dave in his Jeep. She saw the pieces come together in Kit’s mind. She waved her hand to Dave, and he turned his engine off.
Sabrina felt welded to the ground. Mrs. Herzog had gone inside. Now it was just the three of them in the empty parking lot, the orange sun lowering over them.
“Hey, were you leaving?” Kit asked Dave.
“My parents have this thing tonight. I gotta get back. Hey, so how was the trip? You had a good time?”
“Yeah, I did. Sabrina, I didn’t realize you were coming down to the club. You should have said, I would have given you a ride.”
“Oh yeah, sorry, I just realized on my way to the bus that I had forgotten something, that was all.” Sabrina turned her head, trying not to look at her friend.
She worried that if she looked directly into Kit’s eyes, Kit might see the real extent of her feelings—everything she was trying to bury now, everything that had happened that summer that wasn’t actually real.
In the end, it was just fiction she had dreamed up.
“What’s going on, guys? Did something happen?” Kit asked Dave the question, and Sabrina watched him scratch the back of his head.
“We just had an argument about something,” Sabrina replied, an edge in her voice she couldn’t hide.
Kit’s eyes asked for more.
“It’s nothing,” Dave mumbled.
“What about?”
“About you,” Sabrina heard herself say.
“Really? What about me?” Kit was combative now. Her hand rested on her hip, and her eyes had hardened.
Dave looked at Sabrina and she could see his thoughts working hard to find something to say in response.
“I accused him of still having feelings for you,” Sabrina said. Her mouth kept moving ahead of her thoughts. A banner that said desist waved through her brain.
“What? And what does that have to do with you, Rina?”
Dave said nothing and stared back at Sabrina. What are you doing?
“Well, it kind of does actually. Because I like Dave, and you like Ryo now, and Dave, it seems, still likes you. And here we all are. A shit show.”
“Sabrina,” Kit said, her mouth mimicking Dave’s, open and shocked.
“Yeah I know, it’s so shocking for Sabrina to say this stuff.
It’s so shocking that good little Sabrina swears and says shit or fuck or asshole .
But here I am. This is such bullshit. Kit, I know Dave was a dick to you, but you didn’t have to keep going back for more.
I’m glad you and this new guy found each other because you’re so much more than that.
And Dave, don’t’ tell me you’re surprised.
You must have known I felt this way all summer.
Why didn’t you just put me out of my misery earlier? ”
Sabrina turned her back on them both and walked out to the road as fast as she could.
She took out her headphones and pressed play.
They probably didn’t say anything to stop her.
Her mouth curved like she was going to smile or cry.
She was caught in a sun-shower, where the skies opened while the sun still shone through, neither here nor there.
A thin line between love and hate, Lee Lee used to say.
You could hate the people you loved the most. The sun could fight through a storm.