Wounds Only You Can See
WOUNDS ONLY YOU CAN SEE
CAM
It felt like an hour had passed before I got in my car. I never thought I could experience whiplash while standing in a doorway, but my entire body felt as though it had just been through a blender. This had been one of my favorite nights with Rachel, and it was one where I really got to see us together, as a couple. Spending time close to her was the most natural and invigorating of experiences for me, and yet, her confession of falling in love sent me over the edge.
I didn’t want to go home, but I couldn’t stew in these confusing thoughts, so I turned the car toward Robin and Raven. Foster answered my text and agreed to meet me there.
Though it was hotter than hell outside, the restaurant was lively and full of happy people having conversations over drinks and candlelight. My chest tightened at the sight of so many people sitting close together, laughing and flirting and enjoying one another’s company. That should be me with Rachel. Instead, I sat at the bar while Shay poured me a stiff drink. Foster breezed in, patted me on the back, and ordered whatever I was having.
“Hey, Shay,” Foster nodded.
“Foss,” Shay said, nodding back.
“So, what’s up?” he asked. “Thought you were at a party with Rachel tonight. How’d that go?”
Shay smirked. “Rachel said she was falling in love with our hero, here.”
Foster gasped. “What? That’s great!”
“Except that I froze. I’m used to her blurting stuff out, but I didn’t expect that.”
“Oh.” Foster took the drink Shay handed him. “That’s not so great. So how did you respond?”
I hung my head. “I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.”
“Ooo, that’s rough.”
“Do you think it’s possible you might be falling in love too?” Shay asked. Her dark eyes drilled into my very soul.
“Judging by the expression on his face, I think it’s very possible,” Foster said.
“It’s not love,” I said, pushing my drink away. “I think it’s heartburn.” A wave of nausea bubbled up inside me and I rubbed my stomach. Foster and Shay watched me, unblinking. “I’m guessing you don’t believe me.”
They shook their heads in unison.
“Even if it is love, which I’m not saying it is, I still can’t keep up this charade with Rachel. She wants it all, love, marriage, probably 2.5 kids, and some sort of pet. And she deserves it all. I’m just not sure I’m the man that can give that to her. I don’t want those things.”
As soon as I made that last statement, I knew I wasn’t even fooling myself. Any man would be lucky to have those things with Rachel Kicklighter, and yet the thought of throwing myself headfirst into a relationship made me feel like I was caving in slowly.
“I think you’re finally going to have to let go of all that pain to experience this great new thing, and that scares you,” Shay said. She poured herself a drink and came around the bar to sit down next to me. “You keep throwing yourself into businesses and work and flour and sugar, but it’s like you’re trying to stop the bleeding of a stab wound with a tiny Band-Aid. You need to get into the wound, which is a lot bigger than what we are even seeing, and you need to pour hydrogen peroxide on it, clean it out, stitch it up, and move on. But you can’t do anything more with Rachel until you do.” Shay rubbed circles on my back, which immediately brought me to a calmer state.
I glanced back up at Foster, who raised his glass. “Listen to her, man.”
“Yeah,” I raised my own glass. “You’re probably right, Shay.”
She arched one dark eyebrow. “Probably?”
“No, you are. After we get through Britt and Roman’s wedding, Rachel said that’s it. No more being each other’s plus ones until I figure this all out.”
“Might be for the best to have a little space,” Foster said.
“I’m sure that wasn’t easy for her,” Shay offered. “I can tell this woman has it bad for you.”
My gaze became unfocused as I stared into my drink. What would it feel like to actually be loved? Like real, make-your-knees-weak love? Britt never loved me. She loved the idea of me. She loved the fact that she could parade me around at her office parties or that we could go out as a couple with her friends. When we did go out, she would casually put me down or criticize me in front of these so-called friends, all the while holding my hand and flashing that fake smile of hers.
Shay, Foster, and I shared a couple more rounds of drinks until Laura came to pick Foster and me up. Shay said she would pick me up in the morning to retrieve my car. Foster walked my now tipsy ass to my front door. “Don’t worry about Rache. Give it some time and you’ll figure it out.”
“Will we?” I sighed.
“You will.” Foster extended his hand, and when I took it, he pulled me in for a quick hug and a pat on the back. “Call me tomorrow. Laura said she’d make tacos for dinner and you’re invited, and I promise that Rachel won’t be there in her pajamas.”
I chuckled, but I wished that Rachel would be there in her llama pajamas and matching socks. “Sounds great.”
When I closed the door, my house felt unusually heavy and quiet. Rachel had only been here once, and yet, it felt emptier now that it seemed there was an end, a finality, coming to our time together. Just as I threw my phone and my wallet on the counter, my phone buzzed. When I saw the name on the screen, I almost fell over.