16. I’m Going To Seattle
I’m Going To Seattle
Zoe
Seventeen Months Ago
‘Fuck!’ I whisper-cursed as I looked in the rear-view mirror one more time before climbing out of my car and heading toward the door of the shop. Last time I walked in there, a few weeks earlier, I hadn’t planned to end up spending the night in Leo’s bed — with him, but I had, and now, I was walking in terrified.
‘Hey, Zoe,’ Gus, Leo’s old apprentice and now the other artist in his tattoo shop, greeted me as he sat sketching at the reception desk, and I smiled in return. Leo’s head popped up from the customer he was working on, and he flashed me the beautiful smile that got me into this mess in the first place.
‘Hey, I’ll be like twenty minutes here.’
I nodded and took a seat, picking up a tattoo magazine and considering some options before reminding myself I probably wouldn’t be getting tattooed again for a while and putting it back down.
Leo had been back from Seattle for a week. He had been so busy since then that we had hardly even talked, and now I was sitting, tapping my foot while I awkwardly waited to change his whole life.
I scrolled my phone for a while as I waited, and when Leo walked the customer over, discussing aftercare and saying goodbye while Gus prepared to take payment, my heart pounded in my chest.
‘Lunch?’ he asked as he dropped into the seat next to mine, nudging my shoulder with his, and I nodded. I wasn’t hungry, not in the slightest, but I needed to get him alone.
Heading upstairs to Leo’s apartment above the shop, I felt sick.
‘I don’t have much. I need to go shopping,’ he said brightly as he looked in the fridge. ‘Sandwich, ramen, what are you in the mood for?’
‘I’m pregnant,’ I blurted with his back to me and saw him freeze, then slowly turn to face me. ‘I mean, I think,’ I took a breath, ‘I think I’m pregnant. I’m late, and I’m never late.’
He took a slow step toward me, and I tried to read his expression. Angry? No. Happy? Not exactly… I couldn’t read him for the first time ever.
‘You’re pregnant?’
‘I didn’t take a test yet.’
‘With me?’
I nodded yes and saw his eyes widen as his hands came up to the back of his head, and he blew out a breath.
‘I’m not asking you to do anything. I just, I wanted to tell you, and I’m freaking out, and you have a way of helping me not freak out and…’
‘Take a breath, Zo.’ I did. ‘Do you have a test?’ I nodded, yes. ‘Why didn’t you do it yet?’
‘I’m afraid.’
‘What are you afraid of?’
‘The result. I’m terrified it’ll be positive, and I’m kinda scared of it being negative too.’
Leo stepped toward me, arms open, and wrapped me up in his embrace, kissing the top of my head.
‘Go pee on the stick, sweetie. I’ll make some tea.’
Just like that, he showed me once again that it was going to be okay. It was always okay with him.
‘It’s going to be fine, munch.’ The test stick was on the countertop behind us while we waited to look at it. Leo stepped close and put his hand on my hip. ‘I’ve got you, Zoe, always.’
The timer rang out on my phone, and the breath in my lungs rushed out.
‘Zo.’ Leo’s hand came up to my chin and tipped my face up to his, then leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips before he pulled back and turned over the stick.
‘You okay?’
Leo sat on the coffee table in front of me, and I nodded, yes. I was okay, wasn’t I?
‘We tried for four years, me and Luke. Did you know that?’ He nodded. ‘Four years and my period wasn’t ever even a day late.’
‘Zo,’
‘It’s okay. It is. This wouldn’t have been right — for me and you to have a baby together.’
The test was negative. I wasn’t pregnant, and I was trying so hard not to cry my heart out.
‘We need to talk about this.’
‘There’s nothing to talk about.’
‘Munch.’ I inhaled deeply and blew it out. ‘There is, we need to...’
‘Leo, let it go.’
My tone was sharp. I don’t know why. It hurt, and nothing had ever felt more ridiculous to me than that. I thought I was terrified of it being positive, but negative hurt so much.
‘Let what go?’
‘Us. This idea that we can be more than friends, have this casual sex thing going on, have babies together like it’s not a fuckin’ crazy idea. The promise you made him to take care of me. Let it go, let all of it go.’
‘What if I don’t want to?’
My shoulders sagged. ‘When it was negative, you blew out a breath and smiled. You were so relieved.’
‘Zo, I…’
‘It’s okay, that’s the right reaction, but I didn’t feel relieved. It reminded me how long I’ve wanted to be a mom. It reminded me that the man I wanted it all with isn’t here anymore.’ I sucked in a breath and shook my head as he stood and paced away from me.
‘That’s cold, Zoe.’
‘We want different things, Leo. You want hookups. I want something real.’
‘I can do real.’
‘No, you can’t, and you know you can’t. You don’t want a wife and kids and a house in the country. You want tattoo conventions and women who won’t ask for more.’
He shook his head and held his hands on his hips, then turned to face me.
‘Why do you always get to call the shots?’ I shrugged and opened my mouth to say something, but he continued. ‘I’m serious. You told me when it was time for me to come back here after he died, you kissed me then pushed me away, you fucked me then pushed me away, you seduced me , and now this . You show up here telling me you think you’re carrying my kid, and then you tell me what I want? What the fuck, Zo? You can’t keep doing this to me.’
My lips parted in surprise. Is that what I’d done?
‘A decade, munch. Ten fuckin’ years he’s been gone, and I’m still standing in his shadow because I can’t ever be him. He was perfect. I know that. Believe me, I know. I won’t ever be close to the man he was, but you act like I’m not ready for this,’ he gestured between us, ‘you push me away without giving me a chance to show you, to prove it to you. I can’t keep doing this dance with you.’
I swallowed hard.
‘What do you want, Zoe?’
‘I…Leo…I don’t…’
‘Nah, I’m going to make this real simple for you. We do this, me and you — we see what this can be, or I go to Seattle. Your call.’
‘Leo, that’s not fair. You can’t expect… I need time to think.’
‘You’ve had a decade to think. I’ve had double that.’ What? ‘Clock’s ticking, Zo.’
He froze, gazing at me for a moment before he dropped his hands and took a breath. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he processed his thoughts and then nodded his head.
‘Munch.’ I looked up at him and watched as he walked toward me, leaning down to press a kiss to my head. ‘I’m going to Seattle.’
And as he walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind him, I knew I’d fucked up, but there was nothing I could do to fix it. So, I walked away.