41. I’m yours
I’m yours
Zoe
My eyes flutter open reluctantly. I slept like the dead last night, and my body is stiff.
I run my fingers over the strong arm draped across my waist and feel it tighten, pulling me closer. He’s not fully awake. I know that because his breath is still slow and soft against my shoulder.
I have to pee, so I gently lift his arm to extract myself from his embrace, pulling on his t-shirt from the floor before heading to the bathroom. It smells like him: his deodorant, his shower gel, his laundry detergent, and just his smell. I lift the fabric to my nose, inhaling and feeling that twist low in my belly. He affects me, and now that I’ve let him in, I can’t understand how it took me so long to realize.
I go to the bathroom, wash my hands, brush my teeth, and fluff up my hair, then head back to the bedroom to see him pulling on his jeans.
‘Oh, hey.’
He glances at me, then at his shirt covering my body, before pulling on a clean one from his drawer and heading over toward me.
‘Morning.’ He leans in to kiss my head, then heads out of the room into the bathroom.
I can’t help the frown that creases on my forehead. I feel it, deep and distracting. I head out to the kitchen and start to put on some coffee when I hear the bathroom door and turn to see him approaching.
‘Breakfast?’ I ask brightly, and he shakes his head.
‘Nah, got shit to do, I’m going to head out.’
I swallow hard and watch as he picks up his keys and leaves without saying goodbye and without kissing me. Why does this feel like he’s leaving after a one-night stand? I suddenly feel cheap — unwanted somehow, but above all, I’m confused. I thought we were okay. I need Bree.
Sitting on the bed, I hold my cell to my ear and wait for the call to connect.
‘Twinnie,’ she says brightly.
‘Bree Bree,’ I close my eyes and smile.
‘Hey, honey. You okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I hear it, the bullshit in my tone.
‘ Zoe .’
‘We had a fight.’
‘You and Leo?’ I also hear the disbelief in hers.
‘Yeah.’
‘A big one?’
‘No, not really, and we made up.’
‘ Get it, girl .’ Her tone makes me laugh.
‘Yeah, well, he just walked out of here like he was done after a bootie call — hardly said a word.’
‘He did? Okay, switch to video? I need to see you.’ Taking a deep breath, I do just that, swallowing the lump in my throat when I see my sister in her bedroom, getting ready for work, her cell propped up on her dresser. ‘Hey, twinnie.’ She smiles wide, holding up her finger to the camera, and I do the same. It’s our thing. Mama said we started doing it when we were around two. She has no idea why, and neither do we, but it just centers us, connects us. ‘Okay, tell me about the fight.’
‘Someone asked me about us, and I told them everything, our whole history. I didn’t think anything of it, but he got pissed.’
‘Zoe, use more words.’
I settle back against the pillows.
‘He said I brought Luke up to remind myself not to get too deep into this.’
‘Is that true?’
‘No, not at all. I am deep, and I told him that. I thought we were good, but then this morning, he was so off.’
‘Zoe, Leo has never had a relationship before, and you haven’t been in one for a long time, but both of you are trying to dive straight into this, and it can’t work that way.’ I worry my lip. ‘Honey, you haven’t been with him all that long. For the length of time you’ve been in this, most couples are still dating and getting to know each other.’
‘But we already know everything.’
‘No, you don’t, and what you do know, you need to put aside. You are both trying to navigate this new dynamic in your relationship, but you’re skipping past the most important part.’ She smiles softly and tilts her head to make sure I’m listening as she puts down her hairbrush and smooths out the stray hairs in her neat bun. ‘You remember the practice date he took you on?’ I nod. How could I forget? ‘And what you told me about that hotel bar in Atlanta?’ She smirks, and I feel heat blossom on my cheeks. ‘That’s where you need to be, Zo. You and Leo need to get back to basics. Y’all are already sleeping together, and I’m not saying stop that. I wouldn’t do that to you, twinnie.’ She grabs her phone and sits on the end of her bed. ‘You need to put the history away, for now at least. Put it away and get to know him in all the ways you never did. Go on dates, spend whole days in bed, role play a little, laugh with him, Zo, but go slow, take it easy. Treat him like an amazing guy that you just met and have incredible chemistry with — not the friend you’ve had for years.’
‘I don’t know how to do any of that, Bree. He is my friend. We do have history. I can’t just pretend that we don’t.’
‘If you want it to work, you need to. You’re diving into the deep end with both feet and trying to stay above the surface. This is all as new to you as it is to him. He’s trying to give you what you want, but you don’t know what that is because you’ve never done this either.’
‘I was married.’
‘Yeah, at eighteen, to a boy you kissed as a kid and decided to never stop kissing.’ I close my eyes. ‘You didn’t get to go wild and date and have this insane honeymoon period of chemistry and hunger and learning about each other because what you had with Luke was a childhood friendship that turned into love. What you have with Leo is something different. You have a man who has longed for more with you for so long that he is desperate to give you what you told him you need, but all you told him is that you need serious, real, and forever. Zoe, if you met a guy and told him that right off the bat, you probably wouldn’t get past that first date. He’s trying to give you serious, real, and forever, but he doesn’t know what that looks like any more than you do. Both of you have all these expectations for what a serious relationship in your thirties should look like, and you’re rushing to be there but stop, slow down. You don’t need to be there yet.’
‘Jesus, chief.’ She laughs at my use of her title. Doug calls her chief all the time, usually when she’s busting his balls over something, but I hardly ever do.
‘You’re together, and I get that things feel like they are further along than they are, but this is new, Zo, and you need to stay in this new part for as long as you can. You have the rest of your lives for the real shit.’
‘You ever think about quitting your job to become a relationship counselor.’
‘Honey, I can’t get a man to stick around longer than one night. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know you, and I know Leo, and I want to see this work. I also think you should tell Doug, Mama, and Buck too.’
‘Not yet, Bree. I just don’t feel comfortable with that yet.’
‘Okay, well, I have to get to work, but you need to think of your next steps. How are you going to keep this in the new?’
‘What would you do, oh wise one?’
She laughs, tipping her head back to look up at the ceiling for a moment, and I know she’s thinking.
‘I’d get dolled up, put on some nice lingerie, and do something fun, silly, then I’d bring him home and make out until we’re breathless.’
‘No sex?’
‘Oh, lots of sex, but also just lots of kissing, kissing is important.’ The wistful look on her face tugs at my heartstrings. I’m so lucky to have Leo, and Bree deserves to feel the way he makes me feel. I can’t throw this away because we rushed it.
‘You’re right, Bree. About all of it.’ I nod, then stand from the bed.
‘Oh my god, you’re wearing his shirt.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘You two are so fuckin’ adorable I could cry.’
I laugh at the expression on her face.
‘Shut up.’ I grin. ‘Go to work, twinnie. I’m taking a shower, then I’m going shopping.’
I’m applying my lipstick when I hear the front door close, and I smile as I head out. Leo stops when he sees me, his eyes roaming my body and settling on my hair, freshly dyed peach and curled in soft beachy waves that tickle the tops of my shoulders.
‘Wow, you look…’ He blows out a breath that inflates my ego and walks toward me. ‘Did we have plans that I forgot about?’
I shake my head as he reaches out to my hips, his fingers running over the broderie tiers of the short turquoise dress I bought today.
‘No,’ I smile, shaking my head. ‘But we do now. You’re going to take a shower and change, and then, we’re going dancing.’
‘We are?’ He quirks an eyebrow, and I nod, yes, throwing my arms over his shoulders. ‘Unless you’re too tired.’ He shakes his head, and I see that he probably is. After he left the apartment this morning, he texted to say he had to work on a couple of pieces and that I could go keep him company, but I decided to take the day to plan tonight. ‘Sorry, this was a stupid idea. You’ve been working all day.’ I release him and step back, but he grabs my wrists before I get too far.
‘No, not stupid at all, but I need to eat. Can we squeeze that in?’
I smirk, and he laughs. I can always find time for food.
‘You look real pretty tonight, munch.’
Leo holds my body close to his as we move to the music in the bar.
‘You look hot as hell.’ I grin, and he laughs, then brings his mouth to mine. ‘I’m yours, Leo. All yours.’
He kisses me again, and I feel it. He knows it’s true.