Chapter 11 Benny #2
It felt like he knew me in ways no one ever had, including myself. And I didn’t even know his name. I didn’t know what he did for work, or how he spent his weekends. I didn’t know about his family or his friends. I’d asked him but he would either change the subject or stop replying completely.
What I did know was that he woke up sometime before me, would respond sporadically until around seven thirty in the morning, and then not at all again until eight in the evening.
What was he doing in between those times?
Was he not allowed to have his phone on him while he worked?
Did he not get breaks? Maybe he did and just didn’t want to talk to me during the day.
That was fine. It wasn’t like he had to respond to me. That wasn’t what this was.
What if it could be?
Would he be open to something more? I didn’t have to see him to know he was perfect for me. I just had to figure out how to make him see that too.
What if he already has someone for that? The question dropped whatever warm kindling of hope existed in me into arctic waters. Ice in my veins. A shock to my system. I had my phone in my hand before I’d even fully let the idea sink in.
04:23 p.m. B:
Do you have a partner?
04:23 p.m. B:
Like a romantic partner?
I paced around the small breakroom at the gym, knowing he wouldn’t even see my message for hours.
God, what if he was married? I knew some people had open relationships.
He wouldn’t be a cheater. Maybe his partner didn’t have the same interests, so he met people through the club for that.
What if that was why he would barely touch me?
Because the agreement he had with his partner was that he could only watch and not get physically involved.
04:26 p.m. B:
I’m sorry, I need to know.
We weren’t dating, I knew that. And we’d had no discussion about whether we were meeting with other people.
I stared at my screen like I could will him to respond faster, the minutes ticking by until I decided to at least try to distract myself while I waited for his text.
It didn’t work. I spent the rest of the day wiping down equipment and cleaning things that were already clean.
Stress cleaning, my ma called it. She did it too.
But it didn’t take my mind off H, or the possibility that this could never be anything more than it currently was.
Would I still be interested in that? For now, maybe, but eventually I’d want something more. No, I was getting attached already.
Then I was home, cleaning my kitchen and pretending I wasn’t staring at the clock.
At seven fifty, I gave up and just stared at my phone, waiting for it to buzz. Please don’t be married. Please don’t have someone already.
“What are you waiting for?” A low voice in my ear caused me to jolt upright, clutching my chest as my heart pounded.
“You scared the shit outta me!”
Rikky chuckled. For a big guy, he definitely knew how to move quietly. He was almost as tall as me—around six foot four—and just as ripped as any fighter I’d known. I regretted giving him his own key when he did shit like this.
At seven fifty-eight, we had beers in hand as Rikky complained to me about his stepsibling.
“Most infuriating little shit, and my family thinks I’m the reckless one.” He paused. “You aren’t listening, are you?”
“Hmm?” I pulled my eyes away from my phone. “I’m listenin’.”
“Who are you expecting?”
I chewed my lip. The Veil had that whole secrecy thing, but it wasn’t like I was actually giving him anyone’s identity. Plus, Rikky was a member… or something. He knew Shady somehow, and about the club, so maybe it was okay to tell him.
“I met someone.”
“Okay.” He put his beer down. “Tell me.”
“It’s not serious. Well, we’re not datin’. I met him through the club.” My heart thundered in my chest, like I was a kid experiencing his first crush rather than a thirty-year-old athlete. Former athlete.
Rikky nodded, rolling his eyes when I didn’t continue. “I gathered that on my own. Tell me.”
Eight p.m.
Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.
“He’s… everythin’ I was hoping for. Like, it’s not even that he didn’t care I’m… me, but I’m like his actual type or somethin’. I’m what he put in his appearance preferences. It’s wild.”
“You always talk about yourself like this. Like you are some freak of nature or ugly and can’t believe someone is into you. You are a very sexy man. You need to be more confident.”
I huffed. “I’m flattered, Rikky, but I don’t think it would work between us.”
He grabbed the tissue box from the end of the kitchen bench and threw it at me. “Stop deflecting. You think I’m saying this because I’m nice? I am not nice. If you were ugly, I would tell you.”
“Yeah, well, you’re very sexy too.”
“Okay.”
I laughed.
“What does he look like, then?”
Silence for a second, then a few more as I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth.
“What? You can’t tell me?”
“I don’t know.” The words left me on an exhale.
“You don’t know if you can tell me?”
“No. I… I don’t know what he looks like.”
Another beat of silence, and Rikky looking at me with increasing judgement. “You have met him, yes?”
“I have. It’s just… well, I’m always blindfolded.” Heat rushed to my cheeks and neck. “And I’m not allowed to touch him. So I don’t know anythin’ really. Except his voice.”
“I will find out who he is,” Rikky said, pulling his phone from his pocket.
I snatched it. “No. You stay outta this. I will find out, and it’ll be when he tells me. I don’t want to find out any other way. Okay?” He rolled his eyes, and I prompted him again. “Okay?”
“Yes.”
My eyes narrowed, trying to determine if I could believe him. Rikky always had a great poker face. “Fine.” I handed his phone back, and he slipped it into his pocket.
“You’re happy, then?”
I nodded. “I am.”
“But?”
“There’s no but.”
“Benjamin.”
“Ugh, don’t legal name me,” I groaned. I loved Rikky, but sometimes I wished he was a little less perceptive. “He’s what I wanted.”
“But?”
“But… now I want more.”
My phone vibrated against the marble surface, and I snapped it up and opened V in the same breath.
8:07 p.m. H:
No.
8:07 p.m. B:
No, I can’t know, or no, you don’t have a partner?
Please respond quickly. Please, please, please, please, please.
8:08 p.m. H:
No, I don’t have a partner.
I exhaled, the tension melting from my body. He didn’t have someone. He was single. I could work with that.
8:08 p.m. B:
Cool. Thanks [smiling emoji]
8:09 p.m. B:
I don’t have a partner either.
I stared at the screen, waiting.
“Quite a bit ‘more’ then, I think.”
My head turned toward Rikky, but my eyes failed to turn with it, lingering on the screen until I forced them away. The corner of his lips pulled up into a knowing smirk.
“Maybe.”
“So, what will you do?”
I groaned, putting the phone down on the bench in front of me so I could see when H replied. “I don’t know. What would you do in this situation?”
“I would not be in this situation.”
“Helpful.”
He chuckled. “Okay, so just taking the blindfold off is not an option?”
I shook my head before he even finished asking the question. “No. Not without his permission. No touchin’ either.”
“Very hard to work with these conditions, but okay. Why will he not let you see or touch him?”
“He just won’t. They’re rules he set before he even agreed to meet up.”
“There will be a reason. Maybe he is old, or ugly, and he doesn’t want you to know.”
I tossed that idea around in my head, testing it. “He doesn’t sound old.”
“Self-conscious, then. You are built like an Adonis. Maybe he thinks you won’t be interested in him if you see him.”
I chewed on my lip as I considered that. “I told him I don’t care what he looks like as long as we have a connection.”
“And he told you that you were his type. Did you believe him?”
Despite H telling me I must have aligned with his preferences, I had still very much feared that he’d take one look at me that first session and decide I wasn’t what he really wanted. “Not really. So, what should I do?”
“Depends what you want.”
“I want… everything. But for now, just a little more. Even if he would just touch me directly instead of using toys—” Heat flushed to my cheeks. “Sorry.” Rikky scoffed, and I sighed before continuing. “He tells me he’s satisfied but… I don’t know… I just want something other than words.”
Rikky nodded, scratching his beard and taking a sip from his beer before he spoke again. “When I don’t want my partners to touch me, I restrain them.”
“Like… bondage?”
“Something like that.”
I chewed my lip. Maybe if I restrained myself, H would be more willing to touch me, knowing that I couldn’t touch him back.
It was worth a try.