Chapter 22 Benny
twenty-two
Benny
SPARE KEYS AND MAC AND CHEESE
Three weeks. It had been three weeks since I’d let myself get swept away in the moment and say things H hadn’t been ready, or willing, to hear.
I’d been back to the club twice. On Fridays, at the time we were supposed to meet, in the room he always reserved for us.
I waited.
He didn’t come.
I was finally realizing that he wasn’t going to, that I’d likely never see him again.
I didn’t even know his real name.
Should I try to find him? Should I admit defeat and let the man who might be my soulmate slip away into nothing?
I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. Had been doing nothing outside of those trips to the club for three weeks. The gym didn’t need me. Riley and Georgio had it all under control. I was just dead weight.
So I’d just been here, on my sofa, watching movies that barely held my attention. Couldn’t even be bothered to cook or clean. The bags my food orders arrived in were still piled up on the floor next to the coffee table.
My phone vibrated. I knew it wouldn’t be who I wanted it to be, so why bother checking? I ignored it.
This movie was boring. They all were.
I flicked through the channels, letting each one play for a few seconds before moving on. A blur of color and sounds. Boring.
An action movie. Advertisements. Advertisements. Golf tournament. Advertisements. Foreign film. News channel. Sports channel.
I stopped, flicking it back to the news channel again. There was a face I recognized on the screen.
“—confirm that there are no new leads in the disappearance of Tristan Moore. The Moore family has increased the reward to five hundred thousand for information leading to his whereabouts, as concerns grow for his safety. Tristan was last seen just over three weeks ago on Friday the eighteenth at seven forty p.m. leaving his apartment on the Harborview foreshore. Authorities stress that rumors circulating on social media are unhelpful and ask anyone with verified information to come forward.”
I recognized the picture on the screen of Tristan. The bastard. He was the fuckhead who had tried to put his hands on H.
Which meant that I’d seen him since he was “last seen” in public. So, he was missing now. What the fuck had Shady done to him?
An uneasy feeling twisted in my gut. The days of fast food didn’t help.
Well, whatever. He was a dick anyway. Maybe someone had given him what he deserved.
I was just annoyed I wouldn’t have a chance to punch his stupid face again.
Should have done more than break his nose that day.
I’d so badly wanted to, but H was upset enough and I didn’t want to make the situation worse for him.
I left the news playing as I pulled the quilt Nana made me up to my shoulders and turned around on the sofa.
Thunk, thunk, thunk.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sleeping for, but the room was dark as I stirred to the sound of knocking at my front door.
Thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk.
Rikky would have let himself in without knocking, which meant it was probably either Rachel or Ma, and I didn’t feel like seeing either of them right now.
I hadn’t been to family dinner the past three weeks.
I’d told them I was sick, then that I was helping Rikky with some stuff.
I hadn’t even spoken to Rikky since losing H.
Thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk.
I didn’t move, staring at the blur of color that played over the ceiling reflected from the TV.
There was a rattling, then the sound of the door opening.
“Benjamin Forrester. You best have a very good reason for ignorin’ your mother.” Ma’s booming voice carried in from the entrance.
I should have known better than to give her an emergency key.
I pulled the quilt up over my head and pretended I was still sleeping.
“Oh, Christ.” She gasped as she walked into the living room. “What on earth has happened to you?”
I stayed silent, hoping she would think I was asleep and go away, before remembering that this was my mother and being asleep wouldn’t stop her.
“Benjamin, you better be dyin’ to be ignorin’ me and puttin’ yourself in this state.”
She yanked the quilt off my head, and I groaned as I snatched a fluffy orange pillow from beside me to cover myself with instead. “Jesus, boy, you smell awful. When was the last time you showered?”
The pillow was tugged from the other side, and I held onto it as we played a brief game of tug-of-war that I somehow lost.
“Ma,” I groaned. “Just leave me alone.”
“You’re clearly goin’ through somethin’, Benjamin, so I’m goin’ to let the attitude slide this time. But whatever it is, it doesn’t give you an excuse to ignore your Ma. It also isn’t an excuse for not goin’ to work.”
Of course she somehow knew about that.
“Now, you’re goin’ to stop mopin’. You’re goin’ to get in the shower while I clean up this room, and then once you’re no longer stinky, you’re goin’ to tell me what’s got you like this so we can deal with it together.”
I groaned, turning face down on the sofa. Let’s see her pull that away from me.
“Benjamin.”
I ignored her.
“You are not too old for a spankin’. Now either you get in that shower, or I’m bringin’ the hose in on you. Your choice.”
I contemplated whether she was bluffing or not before deciding she definitely wasn’t.
“Benj—”
“I’m goin’, Ma. Jesus.” I grumbled as I pushed myself up.
“Without the attitude would’ve been nice. Now get movin’.”
Her palm delivered a warning smack to my butt as I walked past, and I moved faster to get away from her. At least she wouldn’t follow me into the shower. Probably.
I’d never admit it to her, but the shower did help me feel a little better. So did putting on fresh clothes for the first time in days. That meant I had to go back downstairs and talk to her, though.
I still hadn’t told anyone about H. Even if it was over, I wouldn’t tell his secrets. Didn’t even have anything to do with the rules of the club. He just clearly didn’t want anyone to know.
Ma had turned all the lights on and had already cleared away the food bags and wrappers. I found her in the kitchen, going through my pantry.
“What are you doin’, Ma?” I sighed.
“What’s it look like? I’m goin’ to cook you some real food.”
“I already ate.”
She huffed and continued rummaging. I sat on one of the mismatched stools at my kitchen counter, already dreading the conversation I knew was coming.
She waited until I was spooning the first mouthful of mac and cheese before she spoke up. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seein’ someone, Bear Bear?”
I took my time, chewing far longer than I needed to before answering. “What makes you think I was seein’ someone?” I mumbled, keeping my eyes down on the food in front of me.
“Please,” she huffed. “I’m your mother. I know what you look like when you’re in love… and when you’re heartbroken.”
I pushed the pasta around on the plate. It tasted good. Ma’s food always did, but I’d lost my appetite. “It’s complicated.”
“Try me.”
“I… can’t tell you.”
“Nonsense.” A small but strong hand grasped my face and forced me to look at her.
“There’s nothin’ on this damn earth that you can’t tell your mother.
Now, I know I’m not the best with talkin’ feelin’s.
Your Pa was always better at that with you.
But you’re my son, and I love you. And I know you’ll feel lighter if you share it with me, so I can tell you that you’re my beautiful, big-hearted boy, and that you’ll get through this pain like you’ve gotten through all the others. ”
My eyes heated. “It’s different this time, Ma.”
“So tell me.”
“I… I really thought… this might have been it. He was perfect for me.”
“Oh, my sweet boy. Anyone who doesn’t treasure you could never be perfect.”
I shook my head, because she didn’t understand. She couldn’t.
“Besides,” she continued. “No one’s perfect. Not even me.”
I huffed.
“Now, tell me what happened.”
“I went too fast for him.” I sniffed. “Scared him off.”
“Ah.” She nodded. “You’ve always been quick to give people your whole heart, Bear Bear. It’s a beautiful quality.”
It didn’t feel like a good quality right now. It felt like a curse. If I loved less, loved quieter, then maybe he would have wanted me more.
“Did I ever tell you about when your pa first told me he loved me?”
I shook my head.
“It was on our third date. I thought he was mad. Pushed him away. But he bounced back, and every time I pushed him away, he would bounce right back again. Until one time he didn’t, and I found I missed him.
I was too stubborn to tell him that, of course.
Wasn’t till I saw him downtown with another woman that I snapped at him and told him how I really felt. ”
“It was his sister?”
“It was your damn aunt Josie.” Ma scoffed. “She thought it was real funny, by the way. But my point is, I didn’t realize my feelin’s for him until he was gone. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Maybe your man’s the same? Maybe he’s just waiting for you to bounce back again.”
“He isn’t, Ma. He… made it so I couldn’t contact him anymore.”
“Ah. Well then, Bear Bear, you are my beautiful, big-hearted ray of sunshine. You’ll get through this pain, like you’ve gotten through all the others.
” She told me, just as she said she would.
“But don’t you ever change, sweetheart. You have so much love to give, and it might not be this time, but there will be a time when someone will give you all of theirs as well.
And that will be the person who is perfect for you. ”
The heat in my eyes spilled over, because I didn’t want to think about moving on or being with anyone else. “I want it to be him.” My voice broke.
“I know, sweetheart, and I’m so sorry.” Ma’s thumb swiped the tears from my cheeks. “I’d take this heartbreak from you if I could. But you’re not goin’ to lose to it. When you took hits in a fight, did you just stay on the ground?”
“No,” I sniffed.
“No. You got back up. You kept goin’. Even when it hurt. And that’s what you gotta do now. And soon it’ll hurt less, and eventually barely at all. But you must keep goin’. You’re not alone. You never have been, and you never will be, as long as I’m breathin’. Understood?”
“Yeah, Ma. Understood.”
“Good. Now finish your pasta, then take the trash out.”
I groaned, and Ma smiled at me.
“And then I think we’ll watch a movie. You owe me three weeks of family time.”
I rolled my eyes. Maybe she was right, and maybe this pain would pass and I would move on, but I didn’t want to. I knew the way I felt about H was different.
Losing him wasn’t just a hit, it was a knockout. The end of the fight, and I’d lost.