Chapter 23 Jonah - Past
twenty-three
Jonah - Past
MILKSHAKES AND MAXXXINE’S.
I tried not to squirm under the absolute contempt in Amanda’s eyes as Becca and I walked into the Cozy Cow. We hadn’t been back here since the coffee incident.
Bee nudged me with her arm, prompting me to step closer to the annoyed barista.
“Sorry about what happened last time I was here,” I grumbled, and Amanda crossed her arms over her chest, looking at me skeptically.
“What are you sorry for exactly?” she questioned, as if it weren’t obvious. I guess she needed to see me more uncomfortable or something, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes or snap at her because I didn’t actually want to get banned from this place if I hadn’t been already.
“For spilling coffee—”
“Throwing.”
“Throwing… coffee.”
“And?”
“And… for fighting.”
“And?”
Fuck, what else was there? “Um… for not cleaning it up?”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And it won’t happen again?”
Oh. “It won’t happen again,” I assured her.
“Not even if Dex comes in here at the same time?”
“Well, he started—”
“Jonah!” Becca scolded, and I stopped myself.
“It won’t happen again. We’ve, uh… sorted it out. Between us. Worked it out,” I told Amanda, not liking the heat I felt rising inside me from just talking about the man who took up all of my attention lately.
While I still didn’t know what had come over me that day when we were last here, why I’d acted without thinking, I knew that I—we—wouldn’t be doing that again.
Whatever had changed between us didn’t make me immune to being pissed off by him, but my feelings toward him had shifted away from that all-consuming rage.
What they’d evolved into I didn’t yet understand, but I was done fighting it.
I tried not to fidget as Amanda gave me a long, assessing once-over. Her eyes lingered on the leather jacket I was currently wearing. His jacket. I saw her fighting a smile before her eyes met mine again. “Fine. But if you cause any more problems, I’m banning you. Understand?”
I nodded stiffly, and Becca hooked her arm in mine as she stepped forward and ordered for us: a coffee, a milkshake—which I knew she got only for me—and fries to share. Even when she was pissed she still had to take care of me. It was cute, but I wouldn’t tell her that.
I knew why she was pissed at me. I’d been avoiding her since that day in the field when I’d agreed to belong to Dex and he’d taken me back to his house.
For four days, I’d blown her off to hang out with him instead.
I hadn’t even gone to school, spending my time around the beach or Meadow Park even when Dex was at work at the mechanics.
But it was more than just that. I knew I couldn’t have seen her without telling her everything, and I knew she wouldn’t approve when I did. I knew she wouldn’t understand it.
My eyes were fixed on the table between us as we sat at our regular booth, seeking anything else to look at that wasn’t Becca’s disapproving stare.
I wasn’t used to that, not from her, and although I knew her negativity came from a place of genuine concern, it was difficult not to get defensive right away.
“He’s bad for you, JJ,” she told me, apparently already knowing without me even needing to tell her. The defensiveness I was trying to tamp down inside me sprung up again with new force, only it wasn’t for me.
“You don’t even fucking know him,” I told her, my eyes snapping to hers.
“And you do?” she asked, arms folded.
“I know him better than you do.”
“I know he’s in a fucking gang, that he fights people for fun. He’s violent, Jonah. Enjoys being violent. We saw it with our own eyes. Have you even heard what people say about him? Liking his dick is one thing, but you’re what, dating the guy now?”
Dex and I hadn’t had that conversation. He’d asked me to be his, and I’d agreed. I’d surrendered myself to him. Did that mean we were dating, though?
“So what?” I snapped because I didn’t know what else to say. She was right. He was in a gang. He was violent. But he was so much more than that.
“So he’s fucking crazy!”
“Okay? And? Maybe I’m crazy too!”
“You’re not, Jonah. You’re not like him.”
Why was that so insulting? I hated him, or at least I’d believed I had until a few days ago. But things had shifted. Maybe things that were always supposed to. “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being like him.”
“It won’t end well. Not for you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. But whatever. Don’t listen to me. I’ll still be here for you when it all goes to shit, but I’m gonna say ‘I told you so,’ and then we’ll figure out how to hide his body together.”
The tension broke, a laugh I couldn’t quite suppress pulled to the surface. “You’re going to kill him if he hurts me?”
“Damn right I am. When he hurts you. You really going to make a murderer out of me, JJ?”
“He told me he wouldn’t. Never again.”
Becca didn’t seem convinced, and I couldn’t blame her, not when I didn’t even understand why I believed him.
“Well, I hope for his sake he doesn’t.” She sighed before letting her arms untangle, and she reached for a fry, the tension between us fading further.
“Also, stop fucking avoiding me. Just because you have a boyfriend now doesn’t mean you’re allowed to forget about me, your bestest friend and one true love. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, releasing whatever tightness remained in my chest and throat. I reached for the milkshake, taking a long sip—
“The sex is good, then?” Bee asked, and I almost coughed it all back up. With a smile, she handed me a napkin.
I coughed and wiped my mouth, feeling my cheeks flame with a new sort of embarrassment. “I haven’t—we haven’t… done… that.”
“Anal?”
My skin prickled from the sudden heat as I nodded.
“But you want to?”
It was all I’d been able to fantasize about lately, but it still felt too big, too intimidating.
Dex hadn’t tried to pressure me into it like I almost wished he would, rather he seemed perfectly content in continuing to just do what we’d already been doing.
I was starting to think he’d be satisfied even if that was all we ever did.
I nodded again. I knew I should talk about it with him instead, but Becca felt like the safer option, maybe because she was separate from it. I couldn’t say or do anything to fuck it up with her. “I don’t… know how.”
“You’ve watched porn, though, right?”
“Yeah, but doing it is different. What if I get it wrong?”
Bee’s smile was warm as she placed her hand over mine. “Oh, my sweet innocent bestie. That man should feel incredibly grateful for any part of you he gets. Besides, I think he knows exactly what to do and would be more than happy to show you.” She winked.
I hated the thought that Dex knew what to do because he’d already done it with other people. What if they were better at it than me? What if I disappointed him?
I didn’t even know what “role” he’d want me to take. In my fantasies, it was always him over me, inside me. But is that what he’d want too? I groaned, pushing my milkshake to the side and smacking my head down on the table, hiding myself there.
Talking about sex with Becca didn’t bother me exactly; it was a little uncomfortable but only because it was new.
It was helpful, though, and if there was anyone I could trust not to judge me, it was her.
She was the most sex-positive and judgment-free person I’d ever known.
Maybe she could help me with something else too.
Something I’d been thinking about for a while but couldn’t bring myself to do alone. I sat up slowly.
“Would you… come with me to… Maxxxine’s?”
The outside of Maxxxine’s Treasure Trove was all black and incredibly intimidating. I’d walked past it once last week, but I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. It wasn’t like I had the money to buy anything anyway, but I was so curious about what was within those walls.
Becca’s arm hooked through mine as she pulled me fearlessly toward the entrance. She’d been delighted when I’d asked her to come to the sex store with me; however, I was already having my regrets.
Despite my hesitation, Becca soldiered on, dragging me right along with her until she pushed open the doors and my eyes were assaulted with the bright fluorescent lighting from inside. Why the fuck did they make it so bright in here?
My heart thundered in my chest as we walked in. It was still pretty early in the day, so thankfully there weren’t many other people here. The shop assistant didn’t even look up from the counter she was leaning on, her eyes glued to her phone instead of her new customers.
“Alrighty, what are we looking for? Dildo? Butt plugs? Maybe something sexy to wear?” Becca questioned, and I wished she’d keep her voice down.
“I don’t know,” I whispered back harshly.
“Well, let’s start here and see what catches your interest,” she answered just as loudly, as she pulled me into the first aisle.
My stomach twisted with nerves as I took it all in.
The wall was covered in so many brightly colored plastic dildos, all so well lit up there might as well have been a spotlight on them.
Some of them were normal shaped and sized, others definitely not.
I didn’t know so much variety existed, and seeing it all made this somehow more intimidating rather than less.
Becca let go of my arm to touch things, and I immediately felt exposed without her. Remaining close, I followed her lead, reaching for one of the less intimidating toys. Apart from being pink and sparkly, it seemed relatively normal—a safe option. It wasn’t as thick as him, though. I put it back.
I looked at a few more before a “psst” caught my attention, and I turned to see Becca holding up a very alien-looking…
thing. She wiggled her eyebrows at me before pressing a button, and the thing buzzed to life, the middle of it contracting and extending in a thrusting motion while the bumps on the top of it rotated.
“Absolutely not.”
“You’re no fun.” Becca pouted, turning the thing off and putting it back on the shelf.
“This isn’t fun. This is… research.”
She scoffed. “Research you’re gonna put up your butt.”
It took a lot of self-restraint not to throw one of the heftier dildos at her. “I am not. I don’t even have money, okay? I just wanted to look. And now I have. We should just go.”
“Nuh-uh, JJ. You’re getting something. I have money.”
“Normal friends don’t buy each other sex toys.”
“Since when have we ever been normal?”
That was a fair statement. But I was stubborn, and she knew that about me.
“Listen, I just have a real urge to buy one, ya know? And I already have so many, it wouldn’t even get used. It would just go in the drawer and be wasted, so you’d really be doing me a favor if you took it.”
“Mhmm.” I folded my arms, scowling at her, but she didn’t seem at all bothered by it.
“What about this one then, Mr. Boring?” She grabbed a purple, thankfully human-shaped dick from the wall.
It was bigger than the first one I’d picked up—thicker, like him.
I must have revealed more than I’d thought on my face because Becca smiled at her perceived victory, putting the display back to reach for one still in its packaging.
“This one, then. Okay, next. Lube. And condoms. Who knows where that man has been.”
When we were done, Becca had a basket with a whole variety of things, some she’d let me pick and others she told me weren’t any of my business. We turned to make our way to the counter when I came face to face with someone I very much did not want to see here.
Green eyes widened in surprise as Bryce recognized me.
“Oh, hey!” He smiled as though we were friends, clearly not planning to just look away so we could both pretend this hadn’t happened and move on with our lives. “What’s up?”
What’s up? What the fuck did he think was up? Like there was any other reason we would be here aside from the obvious. Becca knowing about my sex life was one thing, but Bryce was entirely another.
“Is that Dex’s jacket?” he asked, like he was proud of himself for recognizing it.
“No,” I lied.
“Nah, it is. Same stain on the sleeve. Does he know you have it?”
How else would I have gotten it?
“He knows,” Becca answered for me, amusement in her voice.
“Oh. Cool, cool. So you guys are like together, then? Or just fucking? Wait, are you two also fucking?”
“No, Bryce. We aren’t fucking!” I snapped, and Becca pulled me closer to her, no doubt sensing I was about to cause a scene and get us banned from here.
“We’re just friends.” She smiled, and it was far more than Bryce deserved. “Happy shopping.”
Bryce seemed like he wanted to say more, but Becca was already steering us swiftly away, toward the exit.
We stopped so the cashier could bag up the items, and Becca paid while I lingered nearby, trying not to draw any more attention to myself and thinking with an uncomfortable twist in my gut… what if Bryce tells Dex he saw us here?