Chapter 41 Dex - Past
forty-one
Dex - Past
NO MORE HIDING.
The door to the living room was one of many things on my list to fix. The handle twisted on both sides, but the latch only engaged if you turned it from the outside. I’d made a mistake by forgetting to mention that to Jonah. But the biggest mistake I’d made had been leaving him. Again.
It shouldn’t have mattered that the Strays needed me.
I’d been trying to contact Snake for the past two days, and when he called, I figured he was just calling me back.
How wrong I was. Another body. He’d been so panicked.
I wasn’t used to hearing a man usually so cold, arrogant, and sure of himself crying like a baby, barely able to get a breath in.
Still, Jonah should have been my priority.
I’d done what I’d needed to and stepped up while Archer slacked off, but I couldn’t keep it up, not with Jonah needing me as much as he did. If it were between the Strays and Jonah, I’d choose Jonah every time. But I hadn’t shown him that.
A conversation needed to be had with Archer.
He’d asked me to give him time, but I couldn’t.
He needed to get his shit together or start delegating to others, because I was done.
It didn’t matter what conversations had been had with Henrik.
It didn’t matter that there were others who’d put their trust in me.
The only person who mattered was sitting in front of me, and even then, he wasn’t truly there.
Jonah’s eyes were dull and vacant, like the day I’d found him in the shower; violence had carved out the fire from the core of him, only this time it was violence against himself.
I’d rather bury a thousand bodies for him than patch up a single wound on his perfect skin.
I wished I could take them from him, because each laceration hurt me twice as much as if they’d been carved directly into my flesh.
There were two that were particularly savage, marking an X over the existing scars on his outer calf.
He’d carved them right through the denim of his jeans, the fabric as torn as his skin.
They seemed to be the only ones still actively bleeding.
I tore away the rest of the ruined material as gently as possible to reveal the full extent of the damage, then applied gauze firmly to the wounds, adding another layer when it soaked through too fast, waiting patiently until the bleeding eventually slowed and then stopped.
“This is going to sting,” I warned, my voice just above a whisper after I’d pulled the bloodied gauze away and reached for the antiseptic.
Jonah nodded softly but didn’t speak, still numb to me and to himself until the damp pad made contact with wounded flesh and he hissed, gritting his teeth and groaning.
He didn’t stop me, so I continued cleaning and disinfecting his leg and then his fingers.
I placed more closure strips than was probably necessary to the worst of the damage, holding his split skin together, and I hoped reducing the chances of further scarring. Then I wrapped his leg and fingers in more gauze until his pain was hidden beneath deceptive white.
There was blood on the floor, soaking into the carpet.
I didn’t care. Tomorrow I’d figure out what to do about that; today I’d been away from Jonah long enough.
We still needed to talk about what happened, but he was tired, and so was I.
What I needed now was to hold him, to have him, to keep him. I believed he needed the same.
Without forcing either of us to speak more than necessary, I gently eased my hands under his legs, around his waist, waiting for him to protest and then lifting him when he didn’t.
I carried him to the bedroom, setting him down softly on the bed before undressing him, cautious of his injuries. He let me, and when he was left in only his underwear, I did the same.
Just before taking my place on the bed beside him, my phone rang again, and I didn’t miss the way Jonah tensed at the noise. I reached for it, seeing Bryce’s name on the screen before switching it off. Whatever he needed, someone else could deal with it.
Where I needed to be now was here, with him. I found my place beside him and pulled him into me, his skin against my skin. Then I tugged the blankets over us both, sealing us in with each other like the covers could shield us from the rest of the world.
I kissed the back of his shoulders, inhaling the scent of him deep into my lungs. The scent of my home.
He was quiet and still, and I listened to the sound of his breathing, my hand smoothing over his chest to feel the pace of his heart for long minutes before whispering, “I’m sorry.”
For a moment there was silence, and I wondered if he was already asleep. Then quietly, he spoke. “I’m sorry too.”
I kissed his skin again and moved in closer, so that as much of me was touching as much of him as possible. And like that, like we should always have been, we both fell asleep surrounded by each other’s warmth.
I wasn’t sure what time it was when I woke up, but Jonah was already awake, his fingers tracing idle patterns over the skin of my arm around him.
“I’m glad you didn’t leave,” I whispered. He stiffened when he realized I was no longer sleeping. I followed the words with another kiss on his shoulder.
“I was kind of trapped,” he scoffed, wanting the words to sound harsher than they did. Because he was guarding himself against me again, and it pained me deeply knowing I’d made him feel like he had to.
“I’m sorry I forgot to tell you about the door. I’ll fix it. I never wanted to make you feel trapped, Rabbit.”
Jonah was quiet again, so I continued. “You were going to, but you changed your mind. Thank you for changing your mind.” Now that I’d started, the words were pouring out of me.
“I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to leave too, even for a second.
I always want you here with me. I’m so happy you’re still here.
And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t explain, and I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you with me, and I’m sorry I had to leave you alone. ”
I was met with more silence for a long moment before Jonah finally responded to me. “Am I too much for you?”
The question felt like a physical blow. “No,” I answered without hesitation. “You aren’t too much. You’re never too much for me.”
“I’m frustrating. I’m unreasonable. I’m clingy, and jealous. I’m… I’m crazy or something.”
“No,” I said again, my voice firm despite the pain I felt knowing he could ever think those things about himself. “You aren’t any of those things, not to me. Not ever. I love you, my rabbit, exactly how you are. I left because I had to, not because of anything you did.”
“You say you had to, like you didn’t have a choice. But you did have a choice. And you chose to leave me.”
Guilt, heavy and sharp, expanded in my chest. I had responsibilities with the Strays, people who relied on me, but Jonah was right. No one had forced me to go.
“You’re right. But I didn’t want to.”
“But you still did it.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I still did. And all I can say is that I’m sorry. That I’ll work on being better.”
Jonah thought over that for a long moment before he shifted out of my arms, or at least he tried to before I tightened my hold on him to keep him against me, scared that if I let him go he’d slip away from me and go someplace I couldn’t reach him.
He sighed, giving up and letting me keep him. “You lied to me.”
“When?”
“You said you wouldn’t be long, that you’d be back before I woke up.”
“Did you sleep?”
He grumbled, “That’s not the point.”
I kissed the warm skin along the curve of his neck. “I’m sorry. It took longer than I thought.”
“Will you at least tell me what you were doing?”
I inhaled him deeply, his scent a comfort unlike any other I’d ever known. “There was… a body.”
Silence for a moment, and then, “Who?”
“No one you know, Rabbit. I promise.”
Instead of pulling away from me like I feared he would, Jonah pushed into me. Closer. “And this… Snake… he killed them?”
“He did. It was an accident, and he didn’t know what to—”
“Have you fucked him?”
I kissed the side of his face. “No.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“What about… Cupid?”
I swallowed heavily, and my silence answered the question for him.
“When?”
“Once. A long time ago.”
“Which other Strays have you slept with?”
“Can we not do this?”
“So there’s more, then.” Jonah tried to pull away from me again. I tightened my hold on him in a panic.
“Just Archer. But it’s over. It was never anything serious. None of them were.”
“But they still saw you like I have.”
“No. They haven’t. No one has ever seen me like you’ve seen me,” I told him, my hold on him turning bruising.
“No one. Only you. The rest of it was just sex, just fucking without feeling. I didn’t care about them, and they didn’t care about me, not really.
Only you’ve seen me. Really, truly seen me. All of me. Only you.”
He stopped trying to pull out of my hold as he contemplated that.
I expected him to drag it out further, to ask me for more of the details.
Instead he said, “I feel like I can’t see you anymore.
” And my chest ached. “This morning… it felt like you were hiding from me. Like… wearing a mask. I hate it.”
I inhaled deeply. “I’m sorry.” I’d apologize for everything, as much as he needed to hear it, because I truly was sorry for any action that had hurt him.
None of them had been intentional. In fact, everything I’d done, I’d done intending to protect him.
But I wasn’t doing a good enough job of it, and still I’d hurt him, and I’d never stop being sorry for that.
“I wasn’t trying to hide from you. I just wanted to protect you. ”
“From what?”
“From me. From the bad things connected to me. I only want to be good for you.”
“Don’t you get it yet?” Jonah shifted, and I held him still as he grunted and smacked at my arms until I loosened my hold enough for him to turn around, and his eyes met mine.
He took my face in his hands. The spark was back in his eyes, his brow furrowed with determination.
“I want all of you. Every single piece of you, as you are. I don’t want you because you’re good or because you protect me.
I want you because I fucking love you, you dumbass. ”
“Baby—”
“I’m not finished. I know I’m a lot of work, Dex. I know I’m needy and demanding. Fuck, I know I’m entirely fucking ridiculous—”
“I told you you’re not—”
“But you still accept me as I am. Why won’t you give me the chance to do the same? I know I’m a fucking mess. I really do know. But that doesn’t mean you have to hold it together for the both of us.”
“I just—”
“So yeah, I’m pissed that you left me alone, but what I’m most pissed about is that you feel you can’t lean on me and trust me to hold you as well when things get tough. I’m not just some kid for you to babysit. We’re in this together, you and me. Aren’t we?”
His eyes searched mine, open and vulnerable. I didn’t deserve him. I never would. But he was mine, and I was keeping him. I’d just have to try every day to be worthy of him. “Yeah. We’re in this together.”
“No more hiding,” he told me.
“No more hiding,” I agreed. And added, “No more running.”
“No more running.” He nodded in approval, sealing the agreement with a kiss.
“I love you,” I said as our lips parted again.
“I love you too.” His fingers traced my jawline from beneath my ear to my chin. “And I wasn’t going to run.”
“You almost did. You made it to your car before changing your mind.”
Jonah scowled. “You got cameras here or something, Devil?”
No more hiding. “No. I um… I asked Raven to keep an eye on you.”
The scowl deepened, but he fought a smile pulling at his lips. “Well, she did a terrible job.”
I shrugged one shoulder. “I told her to keep her distance and follow you if you left.”
“Would you hunt me down and bring me back if I did?”
“Of course I would.”
He didn’t fight his smile this time. The fact he even doubted that offended me. Jonah was mine. There was nowhere in this life or the next that I wouldn’t follow him.