Chapter Forty-Six
I take the long route back to my dorm, the one that loops around the campus.
I still am pinching myself over how well my conversation with Tyrell went. I’d been bracing myself for losing him as a friend, and I’m mostly happy that he didn’t want to give up on our friendship.
The campus is quieter than I’ve ever seen it, because there are no classes scheduled.
I haven’t even booked my ticket to return to Point yet.
Tomorrow, I’ll be in a different state. I’ll be home, but I guess I’m fortunate enough that I have two of those now.
One with my parents, and one here at Point.
I go to the heart of the campus, the obelisk.
I look up, admiring just how tall it is up close.
In front of it is a wooden bench, dedicated to one of the school’s first professors.
Throughout the semester I’ve seen countless different Point students sitting here, reading a book or watching something on their phone or writing in a journal.
I take a seat and look around the campus. It looks so strange being this empty.
I take my phone out of my pocket, and notice my hands are shaking. It’s because I’m becoming more and more sure of what I have to do, even if it’s terrifying.
I call Ashley.
It rings a few times, and then I get her answering machine.
I swear under my breath, and look up at the sky.
Every moment counts, because I have less than a day before Zarmenus goes home.
All around me is evidence of closure, of ending.
If I’m going to act, I’m going to need to act now, and I’m not sure I can do that without Ashley.
It’s too big, too impossible to do this without her advice. But it looks like I’m going to have to.
Then a miracle happens.
My phone starts to ring.
I swipe and accept the call.
“Hey,” says Ashley. “Sorry I missed your call, I was in the shower.”
Anxiety fills me, almost overwhelming. I nearly decide to play it coy, to change the subject so I’m not exposing myself.
But screw that. If I can’t even talk about this with Ashley, I have no chance of speaking about it with Zarmenus.
If I don’t properly deal with this before he leaves, I will never be able to get past it.
Ever. I will hold onto the maybes and what-ifs for the rest of my life.
I’m going to have to be brave now in order to avoid that.
“Something happened last night,” I say.
“With Zarmenus?”
“Yeah. He told me that he likes me.”
“Oh my God! That’s amazing! What did you say?”
“I said it back.”
“Damn, Owen! I’m so proud of you.”
I wince. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like?”
“He was drunk, and it was messy. I don’t know if he meant it in that way. It’s really confusing. I know he said he likes me but I have no idea if he was just saying that because he was drunk or if I’m reading it wrong.”
“Wait, slow down. Tell me exactly what he told you.”
“He said that he likes being with me, and he was going to say something else, but then he stopped himself. And then he told me that he likes me, and I said it back. Then I left and I ran into Tyrell who heard everything, but that’s a whole different story.”
“Wait, so the boy you like told you he likes you and you just left?”
“It’s not exactly like that but yeah, I freaked out.”
“Oh my God,” she says, laughing. “Boys really are hopeless. Why is it so hard for you to say how you feel?”
“Because I don’t know how I feel!” I say. “Or I do, but it’s not easy. I like him but it’s not going to change anything. He still has to go back to Hell, his parents have made that very clear. We can’t be together, so who cares even if I do like him?”
“For one, I do. And I do want to remind you that unless you’ve learned psychic powers at Point, you don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“I know! That’s why I’m freaking out. All the evidence is pointing to it not working. What if I tell him how I feel and he leaves anyway? I keep trying to figure out a way it’ll work and I can’t see it.”
“So you’re going to do nothing?”
“No, I want to tell him, but it’s so hard for me. I’m not an optimistic person. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do something if I’m not sure it’ll work out. How do you try when you know you can fail?”
“Sorry to tell you, but that’s life,” she says.
“You think I’m not freaking out about becoming a mom?
If I mess up I could ruin my kid. And it’s not like I’ve been prepared for this.
Everyone else my age is going to college or getting a job and learning and growing and to be honest, a lot of the time I don’t feel in any way ready.
But I do know I’m going to try as hard as I possibly can, because I know if I don’t, then I’ll fail by default. ”
She’s right, like always.
“There’s, like, this part of me,” I say, “that doesn’t even want to like him. We had a plan, and us actually liking each other messes everything up.”
“Do you think my life now is what I expected? It’s not.
I expected to be at Point, with you. But if I spent all my time thinking about how things could be different, I’d miss everything good about my life now.
Things change all the time, and I truly believe the people that succeed in life are the ones who take the cards they’re dealt and adapt. ”
What she said hits deep. I was expecting a pep talk, one that would give me enough confidence to talk to Zarmenus.
But she’s right. I have been holding myself back, for fear of failing.
I don’t have to be frozen by the fear of not knowing the outcome, or worried that this wasn’t part of the plan.
I don’t have to be held back by anything.
And even if things don’t go exactly the way I thought they would, they can still be amazing.
Hell, sometimes the best things are unexpected.
Like Zarmenus.
“Do you truly like him?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say. “I think I might like him more than any of my other crushes. It’s different, somehow.”
“Then you should tell him. You’ll always regret it if you don’t.”
“I know. I will.”
“Finally!” she says. “Go, tell him everything. This is so exciting. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too.”
She ends the call, and I take a moment to look around Point once more. I know this is the right move. Even though it’s still terrifying to put myself out there, I actually want to.
I might not have expected my roommate to be a guy from Hell. I might never have expected to develop true feelings for him.
None of this was the plan. I still might fail.
But I’m going to try anyway.
I text Zarmenus:
Hey, can we talk?
I’m going to tell him everything. At least then I’ll know that I gave it my best shot. If I fail, so be it.
The risk is worth it.