My Stepbrother’s Wedding

Chapter 1

M y name is Winifred Maude Robespierre, not that I had a choice in the matter.

I’d have chosen something exotic and alluring, like Elandra or Chantal.

Instead, I was dumped with the names of my two great-aunts and a French guy who got his head chopped off.

Life’s not fair, especially when your name’s Winifred.

This story isn’t about me though. It’s about my doofus stepbrother, Will, who decided to get married overseas in some place called Malegonia.

It’s a blip on the map of Eastern Europe, famous for …

well, nothing I know of. Why Will volunteered to teach English there is beyond me.

All I know is that it’s far away, and my summer is being ruined by this stupid wedding.

We got the news on Saturday morning the week after I came home for summer break.

I was eating breakfast at the kitchen table, peering out the window at the squirrels raiding our bird feeder, when my stepmother, Elizabeth, burst into the room.

Her Ronald McDonald hair puffed out like she’d been electrocuted, and tears streamed down her face.

She was emotional about everything. The woman sometimes broke into sobs watching Ford commercials. I ignored her and sipped my coffee.

But when Dad came in with that obnoxious grin, it was clear something was up. His green eyes shone, and he fidgeted with his fanny pack. “There’s no reason to cry, Lizzy Bear. You should be happy for Will.”

“But I’ve never even met her,” Elizabeth blubbered. “I can’t just give him away to a stranger.”

I indulged in my bowl of Cheerios as they jabbered. Giving Will away to a stranger didn’t sound like a bad idea—no more of his awful music or fighting for the remote.

Dad pulled his shorts up to his armpits, one of his gazillion annoying quirks, and waltzed across the kitchen floor. He opened the pantry and dug out a box of cookies stashed behind the health food. “Will picked her. He must think she’s the one.”

“But two months is so little time to plan,” Elizabeth said.

“We’ll have to be careful with money, but we can do this.” Dad shoved a cookie into his mouth .

I rolled my eyes. Money was always an issue with my father. He was so uptight that you could stick a piece of coal up his bum and get a diamond six weeks later.

“It’s not the money,” Elizabeth said. “It’s seeing my boy grow up so fast.”

My head ached. She was always doting about how Will went off on some great adventure to a faraway land. It was beyond annoying. Still, I got the impression this might be important. “What’s going on?”

Dad rearranged a few strands of dark hair he used to hide his bald spot and swallowed the last of a cookie. “Your stepbrother is getting married.”

I almost laughed, but the earnestness of his voice told me this wasn’t a joke.

I was fairly certain my jaw fell open though.

The thought of that dork getting married sounded unbelievable.

In high school he couldn’t even get his geeky Dungeons and Dragons friends to come over, much less an actual girl.

Elizabeth had a sappy smile on her freckled face. “Her name is Irena, and her pictures are beautiful.”

I had to remind myself to breathe. Will could never get a girl, much less a pretty girl.

Or could he? A memory of Jennifer Wilson saying my stepbrother was cute rushed into my mind, along with a fit of nausea.

Was it possible some poor woman was desperate enough to hitch herself to the zit-covered troll that lived in my basement? This had to be a mistake.

“We have so much to do,” Elizabeth said. “The wedding is on the first of August.”

“I’ll call the travel agent,” Dad said. “We’ll need three tickets to Malegonia.”

August, three tickets, Malegonia. The words entered my ears but didn’t register at first. I was supposed to be in Florida in August, partying it up with Karen. Why would they need three tickets if Dad and Elizabeth were flying to Malegonia? Then it hit me.

“Wait.” I gulped. “Are we all going to the wedding?”

“Well, of course,” Elizabeth said. “Aren’t you excited?”

A stabbing jolt shot through my body. My shoulders dropped as a thousand panicky thoughts raced through my mind. What about Florida? Was this girl a con artist? Did he find her in a catalog? Where was Malegonia anyway?

“I know you’re surprised.” Dad mistook my mortal terror for astonishment. “But this is going to be the trip of a lifetime.”

“I need to buy a dress and a wedding gift,” Elizabeth said .

Dad held up the keys to the Prius. “Let’s get on it then, Lizzy Bear.”

“To the mall, Ralphy Bear.”

The fifty-year-old lovebirds skedaddled out the garage door, leaving me dumbfounded and reeling in shock.

My dreams of Fort Lauderdale melted like a snowball in a microwave, replaced by the dread of an imminent family trip.

They wanted to drag me halfway across the planet for the wedding of a boy I couldn’t stand to a girl I’d never met.

I briefly considered drowning myself in the milk of my cereal bowl.

***

“Stop running!” I yelled at a chubby middle school boy who completely ignored me and did a cannonball into the pool.

I slumped onto my chair behind the snack bar and lamented the inhuman fate I’d been dealt that morning.

My entire summer would be nothing but making snow cones for ten-year-old brats and spending “quality time” with the family.

Only it wasn’t really my family at all. It was a failed social experiment masquerading as a family.

Elizabeth wasn’t my mother, and Will was certainly not my brother.

Please don’t mistake me for a drama queen.

How would you feel if one day you had to move in with a bunch of near strangers and play Brady Bunch?

When I left for college, I thought I’d escaped all that.

Now it was sucking me back in for an international disaster waiting to happen.

“Can I get a water?” Lori asked, waking me up from my solo pity party.

She had long blond hair like me, but her lifeguard body made me secretly hate her.

The boys drooled over her like dogs begging for table scraps.

I’d be lucky to get any attention, and when I did, it was from guys who liked “thick” girls, whatever that meant.

“A dollar fifty.” I handed her a cold bottle and typed on the register.

She handed me a bill. “Why so glum?”

“I just found out I can’t go to Fort Lauderdale.” I sighed, returning her change.

“What? Why?”

“My stepbrother’s getting married.”

“Will?” Lori froze, then nodded. “Good for him.”

“This is terrible!” I said, louder than I meant to.

Lori furled her eyebrows, giving me a long look. “Why so touchy? I figured you’d be glad for him. ”

“Why would I be glad for him? He’s ruining my summer. My parents are dragging me overseas when I’m supposed to be living it up in Florida.”

“Oh yeah, he moved to Czechoslovakia, didn’t he?”

“Malegonia, but yeah, I think it’s over there somewhere.”

Lori tilted her head to one side and frowned. “Wini, I think you’re undervaluing an opportunity to see a new part of the world.”

I moaned and frowned. The conversation was getting on my nerves. Lori didn’t know my dysfunctional family like I did, and flying a hundred hours to visit some postcommunist hellhole was low on my bucket list.

“We’re not going anywhere fun. He’s getting married in one of those countries where you can’t drink the water and they have a revolution every five years.”

Lori shrugged. “Still, it sounds more interesting than Florida. You might have a great time.”

I gave her a fake smile as she returned to the lifeguard perch so all the boys could gawk at her.

Of course Lori would think that. She could show up anywhere and men would crawl over one another to make her happy.

I, however, would be stuck playing tagalong while everyone piled accolades on my degenerate stepbrother.

The more I thought about it, the worse my headache got.

***

After work I went to see my best friend, Karen.

If anyone would understand the despair I was dealing with, it would be her.

I parked in her driveway and walked up to the front door.

Her dad stood in the yard, mumbling to himself and watering the petunias, with his white socks pulled up to his knees.

“Is Karen home, Mr. Dankenfaartz?” I asked. One of the reasons Karen and I got along so well was because we shared the misfortune of having a terrible name.

Karen’s dad looked up, glassy eyed, like he’d just been awakened. “What? Yeah, just go on in.” He briefly glanced at me and went back to mumbling to himself.

I opened the door and found Karen curled up on the living room couch, with a novel in hand. She looked up at me through her horn-rimmed glasses and brushed aside her purple-tipped hair.

“’Sup, kiddo?” she said.

“Hey, Karen, what are you reading? ”

“ The Raunchy Wrangler .” She held up the book. The front cover showed a shirtless cowboy with perfect abs kissing a scantily clad farm girl. “Instant classic. I’ll let you borrow it when I’m done.”

I plopped onto the couch next to her and groaned.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to go to Will’s wedding in Malegonia.”

“Someone’s gonna marry Zitto?” she said, wide eyed.

“Yes, but the worst part is, I can’t go to Fort Lauderdale. The wedding is the same week as our trip.”

Karen gasped and covered her mouth. “That’s horrible!”

“Tell me about it.” I shook my head. “The whole summer is ruined, and I can do nothing about it.”

Karen pursed her lips, like she was in thought, and adjusted her nose ring. “Well, maybe we can make the most of this.”

“What do you mean?” I asked incredulously.

“You’re going to Europe, right?”

I huffed. “The butthole of Europe.”

“Just get your dad to stop in Paris, and I’ll fly over to meet you. You can dump the family, and we can go backpacking.”

For the first time since breakfast, I felt something besides despair. “Really, you’d do that?”

“Of course. I’ve always wanted to see Europe. ”

Exploring the Old World with my best friend sounded way better than attending some archaic mating ritual celebrating my sworn nemesis. I’d still have to show up for the wedding, of course, but once that was over, we could live it up. There was only one problem.

“Dad will never spring for it. He’s too cheap.”

Karen tilted her head toward me with a wry smile. “Of course he will. You’re his only child, and it’s unfair Will is getting all the attention. Tell your dad he needs to care about you and not just his stepson.”

Karen’s words turned on a light bulb above my head. I knew how to work Dad over when I really wanted something. I’d just never tried for something as big as Paris. I doubted he had the money, but that was his problem. No way was I going to that stupid wedding without something in return.