Chapter Fifty-Four
Dulce
I’m On Fire – AWOLNATION
There’s a big firein the center of the field. It’s barricaded by stones and bigger than any pyre I’ve ever bore witness to. Vex is standing with Raev, their eyes dancing with amusement as they speak, and I can’t help but enjoy the company they’re sharing together.
They’ve grown close, and it might just be hope bubbling inside me, but it seems romance might be brewing there too, and I want that for them.
“This is a tradition.” Vera’s soft but certain voice graces my ears as I pet the grass, offering it tenderness. Since learning about the connection to the realm around us, I’ve been finding ways to touch everything Solera has to offer.
As I look up at Vera through my eyelashes, I notice that her usually stoic expression softens, revealing a side of her that she has kept hidden from the world and only offers me and our mates. “When we do our solstice event, we always sacrifice old memories.”
“What does that entail?”
As my curiosity is piqued, I flash a smile at her, pondering the unique customs and practices of her people that my own do not engage in. The differences in all cultures can be the most beautiful things.
She lowers herself, crouching in front of me. “This seat taken, princess?” Shaking my head, I tap the ground with amusement.
“All yours, mi reina.” Her stalled intake of breath is enough for me to crumble whatever reservations I could’ve had for no PDA. I will take her mouth and body if she so much as bats her eyelashes at me.
“We create a bonfire every solstice,” she continues, not flirting back with me. She must know I’ll literally pounce on her. Now that I know pollination is coming, it’s like my body is always primed and ready.
“These fires signify rebirth. Where you can put all your past behind and put all your hope for the future into them. There are several things I want to add for myself.”
The way she gives tiny morsels of herself to me is only one of the things I love about her. She’s trying, giving in to us, and working toward our happiness.
“Oh, wow,” I breathe out, thinking of how much I want to let go. “How do you do it?”
Her eyes soften and warm with my question. She snaps her fingers and several sheets of paper come out. “You write anything on these papers you want to let go. Fears, resentments, sorrows, anything that holds you back that you don’t want to bring into the new beginning.”
“That’s beautiful.”
Her hand pushes the papers at me. They’re not like human paper. It’s like they’re compressed mottled grass ones with flowers and leaves compacted and pressed into pages. “Just say the words, and they’ll appear on them.”
“Admit it out loud?” I gasp, gulping the dryness in my throat while also reaching for them.
“It’s not required, no,” she admits, a small smile turning on her lips. “You can simply think them, but part of what helps them be set free is getting them off your chest.” A tingle sparks in my chest, one where warmth lives.
We had our moment days ago, hooking up, but this feels deeper. Vex always says that sex can be the connection of the heart along with the body, but for me, it’s only been a bodily response. This though? Giving her pieces of me, that’s intimate. That’s the difference between lust and admiration. “I’ll say mine if you say yours,” I bargain, my voice lacking all the confidence it had before.
She seems to ponder that, her eyes glazing over and seeming far away. Her teeth snag her bottom lip as she takes a deep breath. “Deal.”
My lips part of their own accord, my breathing coming in shorter pants as I watch her. She fidgets with the paper she’s still holding out to me, her thumb tracing over it as if it’s her only comfort.
“Anything I want?”
My skin tingles as perspiration clams up my palms. Her lip twitches as she eyes me. It’s like she’s dissecting me, trying to learn my edge.
As if she’s been hurt too much to fully trust me.
Anger nestles beneath my ribs, wondering how anyone could make her sad in any way. “Yeah,” she croaks. “Don’t hold back.”
Closing my eyes, I let out the most unsteady breath, alluding too much to the chaos reigning within. Here goes nothing. I rub across the yellow petals, dried out and smushed on the page, losing myself in the details so I can brave what I have to say.
As if noting my hesitation, her hand covers mine. “It’s not my fault that the pollination hasn’t occurred,” she morosely whispers. The words appear on the paper as if they’re being written by ear. My hands tremble as she holds them with her own proffered strength. She grazes my thumb with hers, almost silently reassuring me.
“Not being married and with children isn’t a requirement I need to fulfill for others.” The words are broken. They’re cracked and sliding apart, like something smashed into their windshield and only the rubber in the glass is keeping it together. “I am wanted,” I respond, tears welling in my eyes. “I’m worthy of companionship and happiness.” The words bleed from me, the little barbed insecurities I don’t let thrive filling me. “I’m not too hard to love or unlovable.”
The unsteadiness of my breaths has the tears spilling from my eyes and caressing my cheeks. Vera reaches forward, her thumbs swiping at them. She looks into my eyes like she sees me. Like I’m not some random person who is greedy and wants more than I deserve, but like a person who hasn’t been loved deeply and mourns for that part of me.
As her eyes trace my face as if seeing me for the first time, she lets out a tiny hum. “I’m a great leader. I sacrifice for my people, and what I offer is enough, even if I don’t believe it.”
Her chin wobbles with those words, her eyes glossy with unshed emotion. “My parents would be proud.”
With that admission, the saddest sound escapes her lips. Around us no one pays attention, but in front of me nearly five yards away, stand the two others I care so much for. They note the sadness that we’re experiencing. Raev looks moments from rushing over, doing whatever he can to erase the expression on our faces. But Vex, they know me. They place a ring covered hand on Raev’s chest, their nails pressing into his flesh. Whatever is whispered between them has the pinch in Raev’s brows softening and he only offers a swift nod of acknowledgment.
Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around Vera. The cadence of her stuttering breaths smooth out as our embrace warms me from the inside out. “I’m not just a Cupid,” I continue, knowing that focusing on her tears might make her run. “I don’t deserve to work and be forced to marry for obligatory reasons. Cupids deserve love too.” My chest tightens with this admission. It’s something that’s weighed heavily on me my entire life, but especially since my sister Xó and our brother Val have fallen in love with their partners. They were allowed to find happiness, why not me?
She makes the saddest sound, but her arms finally wrap around me. The first page is full, so I shuffle it underneath and continue, hoping that Vera can see I’m not just some bubbly person. My heart has pain and my aches are more than surface level. That I’m real and I’ll give her every part of me in hopes she’ll offer the same.
“I’m more than just Di’s twin,” I gasp the words. They hurt. They’ve always hurt. “I’m not just her twin or other half, the mirror image of myself. I’m Dulce. I matter too. She doesn’t define me. We’re different people.” By the end, my words are barbs, sharp, ready to explode and dig into those who have reduced me to that.
“You’re a twin?” Vera asks, her voice less wobbly than moments before. Our teary gazes clash as if she’s seeing me for the first time.
“Yeah. It’s all I’ve ever been.”
Untangling herself from me, I note the smeared eyeshadow and mascara streaks down her face. She’s so breathtaking, she steals all cognizant thought. “You are so beautiful, Dulce.” Not princess, but Dulce. My mouth falls open as something burrows its way into my chest. Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s hope, but it’s definitely all Vera.
“So are you,” I return, but can’t stop there. “Raev always described you as regal, a force to be reckoned with.” Her eyes melt into pulls of green emeralds. “He missed such important details.” She pauses, waiting on my every word. “He missed that your heart is massive, that you’re self-sacrificing, and honestly, that you’re hot as Hades.”
“Who is this Hades and does he need a blade to the gut?” she grumbles, and it’s so out of character that a noisy and wet laugh escapes me. It’s full of amusement and uncharacteristic cheer. With the heavy emotions we offered each other, it’s been a little dark. And no, I don’t mean because it’s night.
“It’s just a phrase,” I correct, biting my lip to stop the laughter. “But I’ve heard they’re a real entity and with the stories, they’re surely hot too.”
“I don’t like hearing someone who isn’t Raev or Vex being referred to as hot,” she grumbles, nipping at my lip.
Joy consumes me as I expose my throat to let out a hearty chuckle. “Hades lives in the pit. It’s a place where there’s volcanoes and fire constantly.”
“So, you were being literal, you little brat,” she teases, but her lips form a happy smile anyway. “Well played.”
Giggling, I lean forward and take her mouth. It feels natural to kiss her, to feel her melt into me as our mouths continue to learn each other. “We should burn these,” I recommend, holding the page and a half that the magical words have imprinted on. She leans back, her eyes meeting mine with hope.
“I still have a few things left unsaid.” Instead of responding, I offer the pages that’re covered in tears and words. She takes them, her chest rising and falling with discomfort. “I’m not just a queen, I’m someone who deserves happiness and love.” It’s then I realize we’re the same person who’s seeking validation and freedom. We lead similar lives, forced into duty and respecting those around us to the point they dictate the life we live.
“Every bad thing that happens isn’t my burden to bear, I can only offer and accept what I’ve caused and created. That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be happy or deserve to find love.”
“Love isn’t linear,” I add onto her sentence. “Love doesn’t have to be singular to one person. It can be multiple people, it can extend over many, and we’re capable of loving more than one person at one time.” The time the last sentence leaves my mouth, my shoulders relax, letting me know how tight and wound up they were.
“You believe that, truly?”
“I do,” I confirm. “I already feel like we’re connected, and love can exist at the strangest of times. We don’t have to know each other for a lifetime. Love can start early and flourish with tenderness and care.”
“But, you think I’m worthy of that?”
“Of course you’re worthy.”
Her eyes shut, but not before her eyelashes flutter and more emotions streak down her cheeks. Once more, I reach forward, and this time, I hold her face, the precious one I can’t imagine not seeing time and time again and take her mouth. She makes a little noise and it’s not in protest, but it’s almost like she’s shocked.
Her lips part and I tease them with my tongue, wanting to make sure she’s okay with this. The grip she has on me, sliding up my arms before resting and then cradling my head makes my heart pound. There’s no hesitation when her tongue enters my mouth, tasting me, making sure to show me that she’s in need of control.
I fall into her, softening, and letting her guide me. It’s easy for me, to let go, and be placid and malleable. I’m not sure how long we stay here, with our mouths discovering each other’s likes and dislikes, learning the curves of our lips and the tastes of our tongues, but I never want it to stop.
A throat clearing near us has us breaking apart quite comically. My face feels warm, and Vera’s darkens with embarrassment, and she looks away before collecting herself. “While I love the show,” Vex teases, their sultry voice thick with heat. “Raevar looks seconds ready from gouging the eyes of every gawking member of this event.”
For the first time in many minutes, I peer around us. There are so many people with shock displayed, arousal for others, and absolute jealousy in others. They can all watch. I don’t mind. But knowing the big Orukna who has possessiveness down to a science isn’t one to take it lightly.
“He can relax,” Vera taunts, her gaze tormenting. “He’s had fifteen years to get with me. It’s not my fault he waited.”
My mouth pops open and as if that’s Raev’s cue, he stomps over to us. He doesn’t pause even momentarily before hoisting a squealing Vera over his shoulder and smacking her ass before tearing into the forest. I laugh, standing up, readying to throw the papers before Vex stops me.
“You’re worthy of love and happiness,” Vex says, their voice soothing and warm. They always know what to say and how to say it to me. “It’s not easy accepting those words,” they admit, their face swimming through several emotions. “I’ve struggled with it a bit myself. It’s why I closed myself off.”
Their grip on the papers wrinkle the edges a bit with the force, and I wonder what they hold within the cage of their chest and if they’ll one day share it entirely with me.
“You can let it out too, you know?”
Our gazes clash, their’s a war of unworthiness and mine an acknowledgement that I always give others the love I want to receive and still struggle with accepting it myself. “I want to be yours.” They place a finger up as if knowing I’m going to argue, and continue with their own admission. “I want to be yours and theirs.” Vex points to the darkness that swallowed Raev and Vera. “I want to be an us. All four of us. Where we exist and we love each other and we’re one unit.”
I let out a little noise and smile softly. “You’re a romantic at heart, Vex Asher.”
The beaming smile they offer has my knees wanting to buckle. Reaching for my jaw, they cup it while they scan my face almost as if they’re committing it to memory. “You’ve brought us all together, little dove. You’ve given us all the kind of chance that we refused to see ourselves. You’re such a beautiful soul and the best part of all of us.”
“Stop,” I rasp, feeling my throat swell with discomfort. “You’re going to make me cry.”
Their thumbs swipe at my tears, each caress gentler every time. “Then cry, sweetheart. You know I love your tears. Whether they’re from pleasure or pain, I want them all. Every drop that leaves your face is mine to cherish. Let me take care of you.”
I nod all while my chin wobbles, wondering how I lived long enough to deserve the softest and most demanding creature like Vex. “Then whisk me away, mi amor.”