14. Ivy #2
Cam pauses short of the water, mere inches away, some of the stronger waves overtaking the steel toes of his boots.
He glances at me out of the corner of his eye but then returns his attention to the water, to the way the bright moon overhead, breaking through the clouds, reflects off the incoming swells.
They roll toward us effortlessly and crash at the shore, then lap up near our feet, the constant push and pull of the water starting to lull some of the anxiety tightening my chest.
“He always loved it here.” Cam’s voice fills the night air, weighed down with so much pain I can feel it throbbing in time with my own. “Our dad brought us here, too. Our grandmother lived a few miles north of here.”
I nod slowly. “Drew told me. He said you spent most of your summers out here.”
Cam continues watching the water, the corner of his lip tipping slightly. “We built sandcastles, buried each other up to our necks, tossed Frisbees and chased each other, threw each other into the water. It was…perfect.”
“I think that’s why he brought me here…”
My voice wavers slightly, and I swallow through the sob that threatens to slip out, remembering our first time walking onto this very beach. Cam squeezes my hand tightly, offering me his strength as the memory assaults me, so beautiful and painful at the same time.
“He told me how special it was to him. To both of you. We came whenever we could, but with his schedule, it wasn’t enough.”
Not nearly enough.
I needed more time with him.
If I had known how soon he would be gone, I would have done anything to spend every waking moment with him. I wouldn’t have thought twice about selling Buds & Blooms to ensure nothing took a second of our time together and that each one was filled with telling him how much I loved him.
But now, it’s too late…
Cam scans the sand around us. “He proposed here.”
“Yeah, he did.” My eyes automatically drift down the beach to the exact spot—the one captured in the photo framed on the end table in the living room that was snapped by one of Drew’s friends who was in on the whole thing. I tear my gaze from down the beach and peer up at Cam. “Thank you.”
His eyes cut over to mine. “For what?”
Releasing a heavy breath, I try to sort through the jumble of emotions threatening to consume me. “For bringing me here. You’re right, I never would have done this on my own, and this is the only place that makes sense.”
Cam’s jaw locks, his lip trembling as if he’s fighting the same way I am to keep himself together, and he gives me a simple nod. Maybe because he doesn’t trust himself to actually say anything.
I’m not sure I do, either.
Because I have no idea what to say, what words could possibly be enough for a goodbye.
But I have to try.
I tug my hand from Cam’s and step forward until the water touches my boots. The moon reflecting on the waves sends a column of light stretching from far offshore into the beach, almost like a cosmic highway calling me to step onto it, to run down it if I want to get to Drew.
And I’m tempted.
If Cam weren’t with me, my feet might have moved farther into the water.
I might have let it lure me away from the safety of the shore.
But not with Camden here.
Not with his arm brushing against mine.
Not with the breeze bringing his citrusy, leathery scent into each breath.
He’s a reminder that I’m not alone, no matter how much I may feel that way.
I inhale deeply, then let it out, squeezing my eyes closed, tightening my grip on the urn.
Drew’s face fills my mind, that lopsided smile he gave me that always made my blood heat and heart melt for him.
The feel of his hands on me, his body sprawled across mine.
His kiss and the way it always washed away the world around us and ensured my entire focus was him and the way he loved me.
Whatever secrets he had will probably always stay that way, but he never withheld his love from me, and I’ll cling to that, use it as a life raft when it feels like I’m floating in the black, fathomless ocean of pain.
How do I say goodbye to him? How do I let go of everything we had and all the promises for the future?
Anguish rushes over me like a wave crashing onto the shore where we stand, but unlike those lapping at our feet, this one threatens to drown me. To drag me down into that dark void where I can unleash it all and let it consume me at the same time.
My knees start to buckle, but Cam slides his arm around my waist. Holding me steady. Giving me his strength when all of mine is gone. Sharing my despair and reminding me that he’s still right here. Right where I need him to be more than I’ll ever want to admit.
I force myself to swallow through the sob lodged in my throat, to get out some words even if they’re the wrong ones. “I love you, Drew, and I hope—”—I choke out a ragged breath—“I hope that wherever you are, you know that I always will.”
It’s all I can say before the tears and sobs completely take over.
Cam tugs at the lid of the urn and gets it free, but I can’t look into it.
I can’t see Drew that way. It would break me even more than I already have been. I have to keep seeing him the way he is in my head, how he looked that night before he left the house, smiling down at me in the bed as he made love to me and made me unravel in his arms.
Cam’s hand shifts around the edge, sliding over one of mine, his warmth engulfing it and stopping the trembling.
I open my eyes and peek over at him instead of what’s in our hands, locking my gaze with his tormented, dark-blue one.
His face bears the evidence of his tears, the lines they left on his cheeks reflecting the moonlight.
He gives me a simple nod, then we tilt the urn and release the ashes.
The light breeze immediately catches them, and despite my reservation about looking at the contents of the small container, I turn to watch them float into the water.
They disappear into the churning waves at the shoreline, and something inside me snaps.
That last little string that tethered me to the hope that this was all some awful nightmare I might wake up from someday.
That delusion that he might walk back through that front door.
That fantasy that Drew wasn’t gone.
It vanishes with the last of his ashes.