19. Ivy #2
But keeping all this turmoil welled up inside will eventually do more harm than good. Deep down, I know that. It’s just a matter of convincing myself that accepting Marlo’s reaction and potential reproach might be worth it to get the release of what’s festering inside me.
I chew on my bottom lip, pushing off the table and pacing as I twist my hands in front of me, trying to get the feel of Cam’s thick hair off them, to get them to stop tingling, wanting to delve into it again. “Well, I didn’t go alone.”
“Nancy?” Her eyes widen when I shake my head. “Cam?”
Nodding, I tug out my ponytail and run my hands through my hair. My entire body vibrates with an anxiety built of a volatile concoction of regret, confusion, and need I still feel even days later. “We drove to the shore on his motorcycle.”
“You what ?”
I pressed my body against his for hours, held his hand, cried in his arms…
And that was only the beginning.
Yet, I find it more difficult to get those words out than I had imagined it would be. Talking to Marlo has always been a way to unwind and get things off my chest. This is different, though.
The guilt over what we did weighs ten times as much as anything else I’ve ever experienced. So heavy that it’s a constant weight crushing me. Making it impossible to take another step. Impossible to move forward, day after day, pretending it didn’t happen.
“I wasn’t exactly sure how to tell you…”
Without completely breaking down.
She gapes at me. “What do you mean? Exactly like you just did. When did you two do this?”
A vision of the dark, deserted beach, the moon peeking through the billowing clouds overhead, and the waves lapping at the shore flashes through my head, along with the feel of Cam’s hand clasped tightly in mine.
“In the middle of the night so that nobody would catch us.”
“Jesus, girl.”
I cringe. “I know.”
“And…?”
Stopping my pacing, I face her and find her watching me intently like a child waiting for the magician to finally pull off the big reveal.
“And it was good. It…” My throat tightens on the words, not wanting to say them even though they’re true.
“It needed to be done. Staring at that thing was driving me crazy.”
“I noticed.”
And every time she came over, her eyes drifted there, too, like she couldn’t look away from the unopened box. It held too much power over me. She and Cam both knew it well before I was ready to admit it and do something about it.
“I’m glad you did it, Ivy, but I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me.”
I chew on my lip again and return to my pacing. “Well, because…” Shit. “Um…”
“Whoa, you’re kind of freaking me out.”
“Sorry…” I shake my head, pressing my palms into my temples as the intrusive thoughts that have been bombarding me for days come back full force.
“I don’t mean to, it’s just…” I glance around to ensure no one’s close by, but all the customers are lingering at the front of the greenhouse or inside the main store and we’re alone in this corner.
The perfect place for me to spill my dirty secret.
“Well, when we got back, I didn’t want to go in alone, so I asked Cam to stay with me for a while. ”
“Okay…”
She watches me expectantly.
“And…I fell apart. I was sobbing and a real fucking mess.”
Marlo nods, her gaze softening. “Understandable, given what a big step that was.”
It was.
I can forgive myself for that part, for not being able to hold it together once I stepped back into the house where I built my life with Drew, but what happened after is eating away at me like a cancer to my heart and soul.
“And he pulled me onto his lap to hold me…”
Her blond brows pop up. “He what ?”
Squeezing my eyes closed, remembering the feel of his arms around me, his chest pressed to mine, his strong body beneath me, his cock settled between my aching legs.
Shit.
I clench my thighs together against that dull throb that always reappears each time I let my mind drift to that night. “And one thing led to another and?—”
“Holy shit!”
My eyes snap open to find Marlo gaping at me.
“You two didn’t…”
“God no. No .” I hold up my hands and shake my head. “No, we didn’t, but we did kiss. And?—”
“There’s an and ?” Marlo practically screeches, then slaps her hand over her mouth and scans the greenhouse before leaning closer and lowering her voice. “Ivy, what did you do ?”
I wince, unable to look at her as I make the confession.
It feels like something I need a priest for. Like I should be on my knees, begging for absolution. Though I don’t know if it exists for me, for what I’ve done.
“I may have…climbed him like a tree, gotten off on his hand, and made him come in his jeans.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
This time, her screech carries through the greenhouse, and I quickly whirl to check on the customers. Several sets of eyes below raised brows land on us in the corner.
I plaster on a smile and wave. “Do you need help with anything?” They quickly return to whatever they were looking at, and I whirl to face Marlo again. “Will you keep it down ?”
She places a hand over her chest, like she’s trying to regain control of her breathing. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little shocked here. I mean, whoa.” Her wide-eyed gaze locks on mine. “I. Mean. Whoa !”
“I know.”
Whoa.
It’s somehow the right word and the wrong one at the same time.
Because it was so much more than just whoa.
It was somehow the single moment in my life when something felt completely right and completely wrong equally.
Marlo rolls her hand in front of her, urging me to keep going. “So, what happened after?”
I cringe again, because the after was sheer agony. “We both cried, and I ended up falling asleep on him on the couch.”
Her shoulders slump. “Well…that’s depressing.”
A resigned sigh falls from my lips. “No shit.”
“What about when you woke up?”
Lifting my head from the throw pillow to find myself alone in the house and that note on the table isn’t an experience I ever want to repeat.
It felt like that gaping hole in my chest was ripped wider, like I had lost something else , even though it was never really mine to begin with.
Something I never should have craved or touched.
“He was gone.” I reach into my apron pocket and pull out the tiny piece of paper. “But he left a note.”
She snatches it from my hands and examines it. “You’ve been carrying this around with you?”
I nod and try not to look at the two words scrawled across it.
I’m sorry.
But I don’t need to be looking at it now to see it in my head.
It’s seared into my mind, embedded so deeply that I won’t ever forget it.
“Wow.” Marlo leans against one of the counters, waving the note back and forth in her hand. “This is heavy, Ivy. Like, heavy heavy.”
“I know.” I tug at my loose hair, practically ripping it out at the root with the need to feel something right now besides this spiraling confusion. “I don’t know what to do…”
“Has he been back since then?”
I shake my head. “No, but there’s been a food delivery at six thirty on the dot every night.”
“He’s still sending you dinner?” She practically swoons, pressing the note over her heart. “My God, Ivy. What have you gotten yourself into?”
“It’s bad, right?”
Marlo tries to offer what I think is supposed to be a reassuring smile but comes across as more of a wince. “I wouldn’t say bad but…complicated?”
Complicated.
“That seems like an understatement.”
She snorts. “Do you…like him?”
This is why I put off talking to Marlo about this. Because I knew she would ask the hard questions. And this is the hardest of all of them.
One I’ve been asking myself for days, but sorting through my feelings for Camden Usher is almost as difficult as finding lilacs in the dead of winter.
Basically impossible.
“I don’t know.” I rest my ass on the edge of the table and close my eyes, trying to gain control over my conflicting emotions.
“Everything with him is so wrapped up in Drew, and…I don’t know how to separate my feelings for them.
Or how to process what happened. Or how to know if any of it was real or just both of us feeling the same anguish and needing the connection with someone who understood it. ”
Marlo reaches over and squeezes my hand in hers. “Then, you need to talk to him about it.”
“What?” My eyes fly open to meet hers. “No. I can’t do that.”
She snorts. “But you can let him stick his hand down your pants?”
Oh, Jesus…
I scowl at her, but she snorts a laugh and clamps down on my hand even harder, like she’s really trying to make a point.
“Well, here’s what I know, Ivy. We’ve been friends for what? Twenty years?”
“Yeah.”
“And in two decades, I’ve only ever seen you this twisted up about one guy—Drew.
And Cam and Nancy are all you have left of him besides your memories, so of course, you’re going to feel a connection to Cam.
I mean, he looks like him, he sounds like him.
Even if he doesn’t act like him, it would be impossible for you not to feel something there.
But whether that’s real or not, and whether it’s a good idea or not, are very different and difficult questions. ”
I release a frustrated growl, tugging my hand from hers. “You think I don’t know that?”
She slips the note back into my apron, giving me a knowing look. “This is going to drive you crazy until you talk to him.”
As much as I’d love to stick my head in the sand and ignore what we did that night, the last few days have proven that’s an impossible task. One I am apparently not at all equipped to handle.
Maybe talking to him would help.
Maybe I could figure out a way to deal with all these feelings if I sat down face-to-face with the man causing them and laid everything on the table.
“But he hasn’t been over.” I shake my head, exasperated by the entire situation. “I don’t even have his phone number or any way to get in touch with him.”
Marlo grins. “That never stopped you before.”