Chapter 25
IVY
“Are you going to sit there moping all day?”
I scowl at Marlo and offer a slight shrug, shifting on the plastic chair that offers absolutely no comfort or support, especially in my current condition. It feels like this baby grew exponentially overnight, and my back agrees with that assessment, as do my swollen feet. “That’s the plan.”
She releases an annoyed huff and returns to sorting the flower shipment, preparing everything for the busy weekend to come, with two weddings, a bar mitzvah, and a quinceanera, all happening on Saturday. “Well, I could really use your help.”
Pressing my lips together tightly, I glare at her. “And I really could have used a heads up about what I was walking into last night…”
Her hands still as her eyes narrow on me. “Are you seriously mad?”
Now it’s my turn to release a heavy sigh.
I don’t know if “mad” is the right word, but since Cam left last night I’ve spent hours sitting in that room, looking at everything he did for me, knowing that Marlo and Nancy planned all this behind my back, and even though I don’t want it to, it somehow feels like the sting of betrayal—like it was a statement that they had no faith in me that I would eventually get my shit together to do it myself.
And knowing they thought I would ever fail my baby in that way hits even harder when I consider the fact that no one said anything to me about it. Almost as if they were afraid that bringing it up was going to send me into a worse place.
Don’t they know how much I love this baby?
Tears sting my eyes despite my telling myself I wouldn’t cry when I came into work this morning, knowing I would see Marlo and likely have this conversation. “How long were you talking to him about this and planning it?”
She brushes off her hands and releases a heavy sigh, then comes and sits on the edge of the table in front of me. “At the risk of pissing you off even more”—I brace myself for her response—“I’ve been talking to Cam a lot.”
“You what?”
Something that feels an awful lot like jealousy crawls up my tight throat as I stare at my beautiful best friend.
With her bright smile.
Gorgeous blond hair that somehow manages to look sexy even when she pulls it back into a messy bun.
Bright green eyes that always seem so full of mischief and joy.
Who doesn’t look and feel like a beached whale right now.
Marlo is every man’s wet dream…
She narrows her eyes at me, annoyance tightening her mouth. “Not like that, and you know it, so stop looking at me that way. He’s been worried about you. Rightfully so. And I’ve been worried about both of you, so I’ve been meeting with him, going to coffee, occasionally lunch on days I have off.”
I play with the hem of my shirt, that feeling in my throat not easing, but I manage to swallow through it. “What do you two talk about?”
“What do you think?”
My cheeks heat. “Remember when you told me you were risking me getting madder?”
She throws up her hands. “Not like that, Ivy. We’re not talking about you behind your back like some mean girls.
We both love you, and we’re worried. I’ve been your best friend for most of your goddamn life, and you’ve barely spoken to me about any of this since Cam came clean.
All I know is that it seems like you’re falling back into that place you were when Drew died, the place Cam somehow got you out of. ”
I cringe because she isn’t wrong.
Things have been bad.
Most days, it feels like time isn’t moving at all.
Some, I wouldn’t even get out of bed if I wasn’t so worried about the baby and ensuring I eat and drink and take my vitamins and do all the things the book I bought tells me I should be doing.
Marlo clears her throat. “Plus…”
I lift my head and meet her intense gaze.
“I know you’ve been sleeping with him again.”
Shit.
I squeeze my eyes closed, but the memories assault me almost instantly—of his touch, his kiss, the way he seems to bring me back to life with every single thing he does…
And how he walks away after looking like I’ve destroyed him.
“I’m not judging you.”
“Really?” I open my eyes and meet hers. “Because it sounds like you are.”
She shakes her head. “I’m not. Things between you and Cam are…” A mirthless laugh slips from her lips. “Complicated doesn’t even begin to cover it. And I know pregnancy hormones do”—she lays her hands over my stomach—“crazy things to people. I’ve read all about how insanely horny you can get.”
I bury my face in my hands, my cheeks heating. “Jesus Christ…”
“What? That’s what the article said. So, I don’t blame you for seeking an outlet for that. One that you think is safe. But we both know with you and Cam, things are not safe because it’s not just sex, and you both know that.”
A frustrated groan rumbles in my chest because she’s right.
Things will never be just sex with Cam.
They never could be, no matter how badly I want to make it be nothing.
No matter how badly I want to keep feelings out of it and just take what he can give me and allow him to walk away as if it isn’t hurting both of us.
As if I don’t lie awake for hours after he leaves, wondering if I should call him, forcing myself not to call him and beg him to come back…
“Do you remember that day we went and saw the mural?”
I lift my head and nod, finally looking at her again. “Yes.”
Her gaze has softened. “Do you remember what you told me?”
The warmth that flooded my chest at seeing the painting of young Cam and Drew together, doing something that meant so much to them, and their short relationship with their father, comes back.
I nod. “Yes.”
“Well, I’m going to remind you anyway. You told me that you didn’t know what to do with all these feelings. That you didn’t know what to do with him when you couldn’t stop hating him and being so angry.”
“I remember what I said.”
“Good.” She levels a hard gaze at me that demands I look deep into my soul when I answer whatever she’s about to ask.
“But is that how you actually feel? Is that how you felt that day? Is that how you feel now? Because the way I see things, what I’ve seen from you over the past several months during the very few times we’ve discussed Cam and what happened, does not look like hate, Ivy. ”
My eyes start to burn, my chest tightening as she stares me down with an accusation in her gaze. One I am wholly unprepared to face.
I shake my head. “Don’t say it.”
She tightens her jaw. “Not going to back down.”
Because she never does.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, Ivy, and I believe that saying it will probably piss you the fuck off even more, but you need to hear it.
You’re in love with Cam. You’ve been in love with Cam this entire time.
What he did, what happened, hasn’t changed that, and that’s why it hurts so much.
If you actually hated him, if you actually blamed him for everything and truly deep down believed that it was all his fault, this would be easy.
You could walk away. You could end whatever this is with him instead of needing him as much as you do and doing backward somersaults trying to make excuses for why you’re doing it. ”
I open my mouth to object, but she holds up a hand.
“No. You’re going to listen, and then you can tell me off when I’m done.”
I snort, fully prepared to do just that.
Because this version of Marlo is the scary one.
The one that usually makes sense when nothing and no one else does.
She somehow breaks things down to what lies at the core—that thing you have to see.
And it usually hurts.
“When Cam showed up, it was a jolt to your system, a shock to see someone who looked so much like Drew, who shared so many of the things with the man you loved so much, and you did your best to shut him out from your life. You were mad about their falling out, even before you knew what caused it, and you were holding it against him. That made it easy for you to keep him at arm’s length, but the moment you started getting to know him?
The moment he became more than just Drew’s brother?
” She shakes her head, offering a half-smile.
“I saw you start to forgive him before you even knew what had caused their rift because he was helping you. You were coming back to life. You told me yourself that being with him made things easier, and that’s clearly the case now, too, or you wouldn’t keep going back to him.
So, I don’t understand why you keep lying to yourself about why any of this is happening.
Why can’t you just admit that you love him? ”
I slap my hand over my mouth before the sob that crawls up my throat can rip out. The tears that well finally spill out, running hot down my cheeks, and I shake my head. “I can’t be in love with him, Marlo. I just can’t.”
She holds my gaze, unwavering. “Why not?”
Why not?
What the hell kind of a question is that?
“Because. There’s too much history. There’s too much…” I throw my hands up because words escape me to describe everything that’s been welling up inside me since Cam appeared on my doorstep. “This is all his fault, Marlo. All of it.”
“Is it?”
The silence that fills the air after her simple question weighs down on me, threatening to crush my chest, and I protectively press my hands over my belly. “How can you even ask that?”
My voice wavers, but she doesn’t bend.
She continues to stare me down with a brow raised.
“Because I think you know as well as I do that it isn’t his fault.
What happened in the garden that night—yes, he lied to you.
He pretended to be Drew, and that was a really fucking shitty thing to do, but Ivy?
You knew something was different about him that night.
That the person sitting with you on that bench was not the Drew that you had been dating, and you can’t deny that.
You’ve told me as much. You have wanted Cam since the moment you met him, plain and simple.
And that doesn’t take anything away from what you had with Drew.
You two…” A little laugh falls from her lips, and she sighs.
“God, it was disgusting how much in love you were, and I’ve never been more jealous of anything in my life than I was of your relationship. ”
I sniffle. “Really?”
Her head bobs.
“How come you never told me that?”
“Because I was also ludicrously happy for you. I’ve never seen you like that with anyone until Drew.” She dips down slightly to catch my gaze. “And now, Cam. He does something to you, Ivy. I didn’t think anything would pull you out of the depression you were in when you lost Drew—”
“I wasn’t depressed.”
She snorts and shakes her head. “Oh, honey. You were, most definitely, depressed. And Nancy, Trina, and I did everything we could think of to help you out of it, but you didn’t want to come out of it.
That changed when Cam showed up. When he started telling you those stories about Drew.
When he cried with you. When he pushed you to let go of his ashes and attempt to find your way back to your life again. ”
I wince. “I can’t love him.”
I repeat the words I’ve already said as if saying them more will somehow make everything I’m feeling go away.
But I know they won’t.
“You can.”
My lip trembles as I fight another sob. “But how?”
“Because love isn’t rational, Ivy.” She sighs.
“You don’t control it; it controls you. And I’ve never seen a situation more fucked up than the one you’re in right now, believe me, but it doesn’t negate those feelings.
It doesn’t turn them off and make them go away.
And it isn’t instantly going to resolve just because you don’t want to love Camden Usher.
The truth of the matter is, you loved Drew. You still do.”
Marlo slides off the table and squats in front of me, resting her hands on top of mine on my stomach.
“And you’re about to have a beautiful daughter, and he would have loved her very much.” Tears leak from my eyes as she stares at me. “But he’s gone.”
My chest tightens.
“And Cam is here. And Cam loves you. And he loves this baby. And he’s her uncle. And he’s not going anywhere. Not unless you explicitly tell him to, which I know you don’t have the heart to do because you love him, too. You just have to accept that.”
I shake my head, a sob catching in my throat again. “I can’t.”
“Maybe you can’t right now, but eventually, you will, and he’s still going to be here.
But the longer you wait, the longer you don’t talk about this and try to convince yourself that you hate his guts while you’re still sleeping with him and letting him hold you at night, the harder you’re making it on yourself and on him.
And you’re not a vindictive person, Ivy.
” She squeezes my hand. “I know you don’t want to cause him any more pain than he’s already suffered, either.
Both of you have suffered enough for ten thousand lifetimes, and it’s time for you both to let it go instead of clinging to it. ”
I wish I could so easily believe Marlo’s words.
I wish it were that easy to forget everything that’s happened and move on from it.
I wish I could just let go instead of clinging to what I have left of Drew.
I wish Cam Usher had never come home for his mom’s birthday party that night.
I wish I had never seen him.
I wish I had never called out.
Because it’s partially my fault, too.