32. Miles
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Miles
I lean back, my head hitting the siding on my parents’ house with a thud.
Today’s been a lot, and I just needed a minute. Being the one to lighten the mood for everyone else is exhausting.
It’s only in moments like this when I’m alone that I let the pain fully settle over me. It takes just a few seconds for tears to spring to my eyes.
For once, I don’t tamp them down. I let them fall as I silently cry in this small hideaway against the side of the house.
I’m so lost in my feelings I don’t even hear anyone approaching.
“There you are.” Owen’s deep voice startles me from the faraway headspace I was in.
I quickly swipe away the wetness on my cheeks, trying to pull myself together.
I don’t even get a chance to say anything before he’s stepping right in front of me, gripping my shoulders. I can’t seem to make myself look him in the eye.
I should have waited for the breakdown until we were home tonight, and I could lock myself in my room where no one could find me.
“Why are you out here alone?” Owen asks. I half-expect his voice to be angry, but it’s so gentle I can barely make out his words.
Owen’s a few inches taller than me, so with him standing this close, I have to tilt my head back to meet his eye. I raise both my shoulders before quickly letting them drop.
“Miles,” he says, tightening his hold on me. His eyes are locked in, and I know there’s no way I’m getting out of this without telling him something.
“I didn’t want to do this in front of everyone,” I say, motioning to my still slightly damp face and sure-to-be-puffy eyes.
“We’ve all been crying all day… all week, actually,” he says. “I get if you needed some space, but you didn’t need to be alone for this.” The softness in his tone makes my heart physically ache.
Yeah, I did.
I want to scream.
He cocks his head to the side, studying me intently. I want to disappear into the house behind me.
The way he’s staring at me is intense, and I know without even speaking a word all my secrets are going to be his soon.
I’ve always loved his ability to read people, but right now, I really hate it.
“It’s okay to be sad that she’s gone,” Owen says.
“I am sad,” I say, all the air whooshing out of my lungs.
He shakes his head, his hands falling from my arms. “That’s not what I meant. I know you’re sad, obviously.” He takes a deep breath. “I just mean… it’s okay for you to act like you’re sad. You don’t always have to be the ray of sunshine for everyone else. You deserve to have rainy days, too.”
“That was very poetic of you, Mr. Shakespeare,” I say with a half-laugh.
He raises his eyebrows, seeming to say exactly my point. I sigh, resisting the urge to let my eyes roll all the way back into my head.
“Why do you think you can’t grieve like the rest of us?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
I debate telling him something that will placate him enough to get him off my case, but I’m too drained to come up with a decent lie right now. “I don’t have the right to.”
“What the hell do you mean?” Owen asks, clearly confused.
“Losing her wasn’t the same for me as it was for you or Lyla or Mom and Dad,” I say. “Losing a parent, a child, a twin is way heavier than losing just your sister.”
He stands there frozen for what feels like forever. “Liv and I might have come into this world on the same day, but she was just as much your sister as she was mine. You deserve to grieve her out loud if that’s what you want. You don’t have to hide it from any of us.”
I blink a few times because this is the most words I’ve heard Owen say at one time in years.
“All of us lost a piece of our hearts the day she left this world, and we’ve all been dealing with it every day since then.
” He takes a deep breath, tears springing to his eyes.
“I know I haven’t handled things very well.
I’m sorry if the way I coped made you feel like you couldn’t openly process your feelings. ”
A small smile crosses his face. “I love your weird sense of humor, but it’s okay to not use it all the time.”
I take a deep breath, letting the impact of his words hit me. Then Owen wraps his arms around me, and I can’t hold it back anymore.
I bury my face in his shoulder, letting out all the emotions I’ve attempted to hold back. I can’t tell for sure, but I think he’s crying, too.
We stand like that for so long my shoulders start to ache from how tightly I’m hugging him. With a deep breath, I step back.
My watery eyes meet his. “I miss her.”
“I do, too,” he says, nodding.
“This fucking sucks.”
He huffs out a sad laugh. “Yeah, it fucking does.” He shakes his head, running his fingers through his tousled hair.
Another tear falls down my cheek. “I’m glad you and Will are still here, though,” I say, meaning every fucking word.
I miss Liv so much, but I am beyond grateful to still have my two brothers in my life.
“Same,” Owen says on a shaky exhale.
“Thanks for tracking me down,” I say.
“You don’t need to thank me. I’m your big brother. It’s my job.” He slings his arm around my shoulders as we start to walk toward the back door. “Love you.”
“Love you, too.”