Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Riley
The throbbing in my head becomes more apparent as consciousness slowly seeps in through the edges of my mind. My whole body feels like it went through a meat grinder yesterday.
Not quite… but close.
I shift my head slightly, trying to relieve the kink in my neck. I quickly realize my head isn’t resting on a pillow—memories from last night flood through my mind.
Cole. My head is still pressed to his chest.
The last thing I remember is being in this same position while we watched the movie. I must have drifted off partway through it.
Keeping my eyes shut, I try to sense if he’s awake. I can feel his arm wrapped around me, but I can’t feel him moving.
Hoping he’s still asleep, I peek my eyes open. Mav is still passed out on Cole’s other side, using his dad’s thigh as a pillow.
Theo and Finn are asleep on the opposite side of the sectional. Neither of them looks very comfortable. A wave of warmth passes over my heart.
They’re here. It would have been a hell of a lot more comfortable for them to sleep in their own beds last night, but they stayed here.
I tilt my head back to see if Cole is awake. I’m met with his caramel-brown eyes. I swallow past the dryness in my throat.
“Hey,” I whisper, not wanting to wake anyone else up.
“Hey.” He runs his hand over my side. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I got hit by a truck.”
His large hand cups the back of my head. “How is your head?”
“I have a bad headache,” I say honestly. “I should probably take some meds.”
He nods. “You’re going to the doctor today.”
I might fight him on a lot of things, but this isn’t one of them. If Abby thought I needed to go to the emergency room last night, I would have gone. My brain isn’t anything I want to mess around with.
If she says I should get checked out today, then that’s what I’m going to do.
I am grateful I didn’t have to venture out anywhere last night, though. Cuddling up with Cole wasn’t the smartest choice, but being close to him was all I wanted.
It’s probably some form of hero worship or something. All I know is that when he told me to sit next to him, there wasn’t a single cell in my body that wanted to be anywhere other than curled against his strong body.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
His eyes draw together in confusion.
“For saving my life,” I clarify.
“There’s nothing for you to thank me for.”
“But there is.” I take a breath, letting myself process how close I came to losing everything yesterday. The reality is heavy. “I don’t think I would have made it out of that river without you.”
“Don’t say that,” he says. There’s a glossiness to his eye that I’m finding hard to believe.
“It’s true.”
His eyes close while he takes a deep breath. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
“Still… just… thank you.”
“Just promise me you’ll keep breathing. That’s all the thanks I need.” The genuineness in his words hits me square in the chest.
“I should go get those pain meds,” I say.
His hold on me tightens, and he presses a kiss to my temple. I don’t know how to feel about this. It feels so right being like this with him, but I can’t escape the sense that something is still not okay... for either of us.
The absence of his touch is another ache layered on top of all the others I’m feeling. I’m just rounding the end of the sectional when his hushed voice stops me.
“I wasn’t talking about you.”
I spin to face him. “What?”
“The day you left.”
What? My mind flies back to that day eight years ago when everything fell apart.
The front door is open, so I just let myself in. The paper take-out bag crinkles in my hand as I walk across the living room and into the kitchen.
I set the bag on the counter, straining my ears to see if I can pinpoint where Cole is in the house.
I saw Theo and Finn in town earlier, so I know they aren’t home. That means Cole and I get a little alone time.
Maybe he’ll fuck me on the kitchen counter. I can’t help but smirk as the idea pops into my head.
I can’t get enough of him. Every time he touches me, it is like he’s setting my whole body on fire. I’ve never had chemistry like this with anyone else.
Finn. Theo.
I immediately feel guilty for thinking about them in that way. They’re my friends, and that’s all it can ever be. Friends.
It’s more than just chemistry with Cole, though. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with him. It isn’t only sex I want from him. I just want to be with him.
It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. As long as we’re together, it’s perfect.
Hence, my being here in the middle of the day. We have plans for this evening, but I couldn’t wait that long to see him. I decided to get some of his favorite food and surprise him with a little lunch date.
My guess is he’s in his office working. I make my way down the hallway.
His voice comes through the open door when I get a few feet away. He’s facing the window along the back wall that looks out onto the backyard.
“No, it’s not like that,” he says, running his free hand through his hair. “I never agreed to anything long-term.”
My feet stutter to a stop in the doorway.
“It has worked fine for the summer, but it isn’t going to work moving forward.”
My heart starts to shatter.
Cole shakes his head at whatever the person on the other end of the line is saying. “I’m going to call and end things. I just need to find the time.” There’s a pause, then he adds, “Maybe tomorrow.”
Call?
He was going to call me to end things between us. He wasn’t even going to have a conversation with me face-to-face.
Here I thought I wasn’t the only one falling in love. I was so wrong.
I quietly back away from his office, taking in the last view of Cole that I’m ever going to have.
I’m glad I can’t see his face. I don’t think I could bear it. His silhouette framed against the bright sunshine imprints itself in my brain.
As soon as I’m far enough away, I run. I sprint for my car, desperate to get the hell out of here. I need to get out of the damn town, this whole fucking state.
I’m such an idiot. Of course, Cole wasn’t falling for me. This was nothing more than a silly summer fling to him, maybe not even that. I have no idea.
He’s decided that I’m not worth sticking around for, just like almost everyone else in my life has—everyone except for my grandma. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a hug from her right now.
This is why I don’t trust people. They always break my heart in one way or another. The best solution is just not to let anyone else in. If they can’t get in my heart, there’s no way for them to break it.
Dust flies behind my car as I speed back to town, needing to escape more than I need my next breath.
His voice jolts me back to the present. “I was talking about a logging machine we had rented for the summer.”
My brain tries to process this new information. I can’t seem to make sense of it.
“I never would have said anything like that about you. I was in…” He shakes his head, stopping himself from finishing his thought. “With the way I felt about you, I was nowhere close to ending things.”
There’s no way this is true. It can’t be. That would mean everything I thought was true for the last eight years… wasn’t.
Turning away from him, I move into the kitchen. I get a glass of water and fish a few pain pills out of the cabinet. After swallowing the pills, I find Cole standing behind me.
I look at the couch. Maverick is curled up with a pillow under his head instead of Cole’s leg. Finn and Theo are both still sleeping.
“You brought the food from Slice of Heaven and left it on the counter. You overheard me talking about how we had decided not to renew the contract for the logging machine because it wasn’t what we needed.” He swallows thickly. “And you thought I was talking about you.”
My brain is more frozen now than it was in the river yesterday.
“It was real for you?” I ask. Of all the things I could have said… that’s what I chose?
He gently grips my shoulders. “Yes, Riley. It was fucking real for me. It was real from the first moment I saw you on the side of that damn mountain.”
“Oh,” is all I can manage to get out. Other words don’t seem to be forming.
His hands fall from my shoulders. “That’s all you have to say? Oh?” He takes a big step back from me. “You find out that the reason you’ve hated me for eight years was total bullshit, and all you can say is ‘oh’?”
I throw my hands out at my sides. “What do you want me to say, Cole? Everything I thought I knew has just been turned upside down.”
“All of this could have been avoided if you had just fucking talked to me.”
I look down at my sock-covered feet, knowing he’s right. Slowly, I drag my gaze back up to meet his.
“I was scared… terrified, actually. I had just started to let myself feel something more for you, and then I heard that conversation. It threw all my worst fears about myself right back into my face.”
I hold my hand up to stop him when he opens his mouth to speak. I need to get this out.
“I know what I did was wrong. I see that now. I’m sorry for ruining us before we ever had a chance to really start.” I lick my lips, trying to buy myself a little more time before saying this last part.
“Letting people in feels almost paralyzing sometimes. My self-doubts pop up at the worst times. The way I feel about you scares me. It has always had the potential to destroy me completely.”
I can’t stand here any longer to hear his reply, so I dart away like the coward I am. I swear I hear him say, “But what if it’s what heals you instead?”