Chapter 12
SERAPHINA
“No, don’t. Get back,” Rafe mutters, voice raw and entirely too hollow.
I’m woken with a start. The man beside me is having one hell of a time in his dreams. I so desperately want to reach out, to tell him I’m here and that everything is okay.
Except everything isn’t okay. The battle scars on his back, chest, and the one on his upper thigh tell a story about a man who’s been wounded more than once.
I check the bedside clock, blinking the sleep away, and see the red numbers glare back as it turns from two fifty-nine in the morning to three.
Rafe continues to shift, not to get comfortable by rolling over, either.
I reach for the lamp on the nightstand and have to shy away from the bright light.
Except when my eyes adjust, I’m at a loss for words.
Rafe’s muscles are pulled tight, sweat is glistening along every crevice of his body, and a low fractured sounds escapes his throat.
Instinct hits me all at once. My hand reaches out, hovering an inch above his broad chest, ready to shake him, to call his name, and pull him out of one hell of a nightmare.
But I stop, remembering watching a television show that semi portrays a medical setting saying that the last thing you should do is touch someone when they’re like this. It’s killing me that I can’t make this go away for him, that I can’t force him awake and help him fight this fight.
I force myself to wait it out, pulling myself back, tucking my legs up and wrapping my arms around them.
Rafe’s head jerks to the side, catching in the soft light.
His hands are resting on top of the sheets, curled into tight fists, knuckles white from his grip.
It’s his breathing that has me ready to reach for the phone and call for help.
Shallow, jagged gasps, with a wheeze that doesn’t seem human.
I close my eyes for a brief second, swallowing the lump in my throat and praying that this will be over soon.
It’s agonizing to witness, especially when all I want to do is wrap myself around the man I love and absorb every bad thing that’s ever happened to him.
A sharp, violent gasp fills the room, and Rafe’s eyes fly open.
He doesn’t move. He lies rock still, staring blankly at the ceiling as his chest heaves while he regulates his breathing.
I move, slowly, deliberately, reaching for him with the palm of my hand, placing it gently on his bare chest, right over his racing heart.
“Sera, fuck.” He flinches at the contact, his voice practically cracking under the weight of the word. He turns his head toward me. His eyes are shadowed with an exhaustion he’s clearly carried for far too long.
“I’m right here,” I whisper softly, the tip of my pointer finger soothing circles on his sweat-soaked skin. Neither of us says a word. He needs this moment, and I’m not going to rush it. There is a time and a place to use words to fill the void, this isn’t one of them.
“I didn’t think one would hit me like this tonight. They’ve been lessening. Apparently, I got too cocky.” He places his hand over mine and rolls to his side, and I situate myself to do the same.
“Can I get closer?” I ask hesitantly. Rafe does one better, pulling me into his warmth, burying his face in the cook of my neck. His large frame trembles against mine.
“I lost some good guys who shouldn’t have been lost. Men who had family to come home to, wives, children, parents, the whole kit and kaboodle.
” He takes a deep breath. “The nightmares, they’re of Miller and Hayes, the same thing over and over again.
The only thing that changes are if I have them or not.
We were ambushed in the desert. I should have seen the signs.
It was my job to lead, Sera.” I weave my fingers through his dark, damp hair, holding him closer as he gets this off his chest. “It eats me alive. Every single day, it eats at me. While I have a sister, and God knows I love Sable, the others, they had family. Hayes had a wife and a two-year-old little boy. Miller was engaged, supposed to get married a month after deployment. They all had people waiting, their whole lives mapped out.”
I remain silent, allowing him to talk, not judge, not interject, just be here for the man who has my whole heart.
“I used to sit in those fucking briefings after I came back, looking at their files, and think, why them? Why not me? It didn’t make any sense.
That’s when I put the wall up, built it so fucking high, so fucking thick, that nobody could penetrate it.
It’s easier that way, to feel alone. I can’t hurt anybody, and they can’t hurt me.
Feeling means risk. Feeling means opening the door to this kind of agonizing pain.
” A tear escapes from my eye, dampening my cheek.
Rafe is breaking my heart. His pain also fills me with a fierce tenderness.
He lifts his head slightly, his gaze locking on mine.
A faint bittersweet smile touches the corner of his lips.
“That was the plan, at least.” His thumb brushes my tears off my cheek.
“Keep the wall up, stay in the dark where it’s safe.
Then you walked into my office, completely flipping the script. ”
“Rafe.” My breathing hitches. “I didn’t mean to break your walls down,” I mutter, my voice thick with emotion.
“You didn’t break them, Sera,” Rafe corrects me softly, leaning forward until his forehead rests against mine.
“You stood there, looking at me like I was worth saving. The walls simply didn’t matter anymore.
You made me want to feel again, even the terrifying parts.
Even this.” I shift slightly, closing the small distance between us and pressing my lips against his.
The kiss isn’t urgent or passionate, it’s deep, reverent, understanding, and showing more than saying that I’m not going anywhere.
“Stay here with me?” he murmurs when I pull back.
“Always,” I promise, closing my eyes. He wraps his strong arms around my waist, pulling me flush against him and tucking my head beneath his chin.
“Not going to wake you up every night with this shit,” he says with a puff of air.
“Don’t even think about telling me you’ll sleep on the couch.” I stand on business. I’ve only just had him, all of him. I don’t want any part of him taken away from me.
“Not saying that. I’ll see the doctor, try counseling again, see if they came out with a new combo of meds to help me sleep.
Whatever it takes, I’ll do it, for me, for you, for us.
” When he puts it like that, he makes it impossible to resist holding back, so I do the only thing I can: I nod in agreement, and he seals the deal with a kiss.