Chapter 40 #2
“Roger?” I asked, straightening myself out as best I could. “Are you okay?”
“Oh yes,” he said. “I was just thinking, I never told you about June.”
I blinked. “June?”
“I met her here, downstairs in the library. We both reached for the newspaper at the same time. This place only gets one, if you can believe that.”
“No one appreciates the paper anymore,” I said with a tug of my lips.
“Well, I told her she could have it first. But she told me she wasn’t going to be able to enjoy it if I was hovering around waiting.
So we split it up, read our sections across the table from one another.
Then we’d trade for each. Didn’t say another word.
But when I turned up the next day at the same time, she was already there.
And she’d split the paper up, one pile in front of her, one in the empty chair I’d sat at the day before. ”
He smiled. “The next day I went in early and did the separating. It went on like that for a few weeks. But eventually we started talking. Shared the names of our grandkids, that kind of thing. Then it got to be more, and Jamie, I didn’t think it was possible, but I felt feelings for that woman I hadn’t felt since Beth passed.
Since Beth and I were young, truth be told.
I had close to a year with this woman, sharing the paper, but not anything more.
Because I felt too far gone to be of any use to her.
A few times she asked me to do other things, but I always deflected, saying I wasn’t feeling up to it.
So she stopped asking. And this is why I’m telling you this story, Jamie.
Because one morning several months after that, she never showed.
It had happened before, she had a family visit or an appointment, or she overslept.
I did that too. With my mind being the way it is, it was more than once on my side.
But this time felt different. When she didn’t show up the next day, I went up to her room and knocked on the door.
When it opened, there was a younger version of her there, her eyes all red.
Her daughter, of course. Said her mom had passed on the way to the hospital. ”
“Oh Roger. I had no idea.” I said.
“How would you? I kept it to myself. Kind of like you.”
My chest hurt again, but this time it was for my friend.
“It was awful, losing her, and we hadn’t even been something. I think it happened around the same time something similar happened with you, just before Christmas last year.”
He’d been miserable then, and so had I. It was the Christmas after Sarah had confessed her feelings to me. And I’d fucked up in the worst possible way.
“Now, she wasn’t the great love of my life,” Roger said.
“Beth was. But I still wish I hadn’t squandered what could have been another chance for me to find happiness, no matter how much time I had left.
I wish I hadn’t let fear of pain keep me from the joy that was right there in front of me.
Because I got the pain anyway. And then some. ”
Even though this was the right conclusion—logically, I knew it was—his words still hit me like a punch in the gut.
Or slap in the face. I’d loved Deirdre, certainly, but we’d gotten together so young, and I never knew anyone else back then.
Maybe if we’d been stronger together, we could have withstood the blow that ended us.
But maybe we would have drifted apart when our kids were grown anyway.
Because Sarah was the love of my life. Of that, I was certain. She was in every breath I took and every vision I had of my future. Even though I’d been too obstinate or afraid to want to see it.
“I love her so fucking much, Roger,” I whispered.
“Then why are you here talking to an old man, and not going back to her on your knees?”
I remembered how I had actually dropped to my knees, back in the hallway at the hotel. I’d begged her for my forgiveness for how I acted, and maybe she would have given it to me if I’d stuck around.
But I knew it wasn’t enough. If I wanted to get Sarah back, and prove to her I wasn’t going to walk out like her piece of shit ex—or turn cold on her like I had before—I needed to stay on my knees.
And show her how serious I was. I always taught my boys that words were critical, but what you did with them mattered even more.
I needed to demonstrate to Sarah that she was it for me, whether or not she’d agree to have me.
And I knew, suddenly, exactly what I needed to do.
It wouldn’t be easy. It was very likely impossible, actually.
But being with Sarah had once felt like that too, and I’d do anything in my power to make it happen, this time for good.
“Thank you,” I croaked.
Roger pressed his hands on the arms of his chair to stand, and when I told him he didn’t need to, he waved me away.
Once standing, he looked at me with such pride I finally understood what it looked like on the outside when I’d looked at my sons.
I reached over and gave my adoptive father a hug. I thought about how this man had been there for me at all the critical times in my life.
Even the day I met Sarah.
“You know her, you know,” I said when I pulled back.
“Sarah,” Roger said.
“Wait, you knew who I was talking about?”
“The one who you bring up in every damn conversation?” Roger chuckled. “I knew you were a goner when I saw you two canoodling at the damn park like teenagers.”
At my clear look of shock, he said, “I’m not as dim as I look, son.”
“You’re not dim at all. You’re the smartest man I know. Besides Seamus, of course.” I swallowed down that pesky-ass knot swelling in my throat once more despite crying my fuckin’ eyes out a minute ago. “It’s an honor to have you as my surrogate dad, Roger.”
Roger’s eyes rimmed red. He swatted a hand in the air as he looked away. “That’s enough, boy. Get the hell out of here and go get the girl.”
I laughed as I pulled on my coat. “You just swore, Roger.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes some things are worth cussin’ about.”