Chapter 20
CARA
I stand there for a moment in the doorway to her bedroom, watching as her small chest rises and falls beneath the covers. It’s clear Nina’s exhausted and glad to be back in equal measure. Honestly, I just want nothing more than for her to sleep until the memories of all of this drift from her mind.
Though I know damn well that’s not how something like this works, not by a long shot. No, try as I might to believe that there is a way through this, I’m sure that the marks left on her psyche by what she endured are going to be there for a long time.
Is there some kind of therapy you can get for kids who go through traumatic situations like that? I’ve never had to think about it before, but I guess there must be.
At least she is safe. That’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?
I still don’t know exactly what happened at the place that man was holding me.
I smelled smoke and I heard gunfire, but all I could think about was escaping, didn’t exactly have time to stand around and take it all in.
But now she’s out, I have to contend with what comes next, and I’ve no idea what kind of shape that is going to take given everything the two of us have been through.
I need a drink. A strong one, preferably.
Alex retreated to his quarters to clean up, but he assured me that there was nothing at all for me to worry about and that he had dealt with the man who had taken us.
But there had been an edge to his tone, as though there was something just beneath the surface that he was trying to hold in.
I’m not sure I want to discover what lays on the other side of that, what might sneak its way through if he sees me again.
But just as I turn the corner to the kitchen, I jump as I find him standing there.
“How’s Nina?” he asks me. His voice is hard to read, and I guess I should have expected that—not like he’s going to be overflowing with warmth and comfort given what just happened.
I nod cautiously. “Uh, yeah, she seems to be doing about as well as I could hope,” I reply, running a hand through my hair. “And she... she’s sleeping now. I guess we’ll talk a bit more about it in the morning, but....” I pause, shaking my head. “How’s Max?”
“With Marsha,” he replies. “I wanted to give you the day off. To rest.”
“Okay, but I’d like to see him tomorrow,” I reason. “He needs some kind of continuity, and I don’t want to leave him—”
“Can I trust you with him this time?”
I blink, staring at him in surprise. “I’m sorry, what are you talking about?”
He presses his hands to the counter, eyeing me for a long moment. “You’re the one who took him outside,” he reminds me. “Both of them, actually. And if you hadn’t been out of your quarters when Vinski’s men attacked, none of this would have happened.”
My stomach sinks. So, he blames me. I guess he has his reasons.
But it’s the last thing I need to hear right now, given everything that’s happened.
I thought I might have to pay for my mistakes with my life, and even if I survived, that it would come with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
And now, with the way he is looking at me, I’m getting the feeling that survival might not be as simple as I imagined, whether I’m willing to admit it or not.
“They were the ones who broke into this place, not me,” I retort sharply. “And they—”
“I never had a threat against this place until you arrived,” he replies. “That’s not a coincidence.”
“What, you’re back to accusing me of working for your enemies again?” I reply, tossing my hands in the air. “Haven’t I proven to you by now that you can trust me?”
“I don’t think you work for them,” he reasons. “But you’re reckless enough with the children’s safety that it gave them an in.”
My eyes widen. “Don’t you dare talk about my mothering,” I warn him. “I’ve taken care of Nina for years and nothing like this has happened, you’re the reason that changed.”
“And you’re the one who won’t catch up with reality,” he shoots back, voice low. “The one who thinks that she is going to be able to get away with living a normal life in a place like this, when you need to remember what kind of risk you are under.”
“No, I just want something that resembles a normal life for Max and Nina,” I point out sharply. “And that’s not going to happen as long as we keep them locked up.”
“As long as I’m keeping them safe, you mean?” he fills in the blanks for me.
I plant my hands on my hips, the exhaustion from the last couple of days lifting as anger takes me over.
“You think it’s protecting them, keeping them away from the world like that?
” I reply. “Because it’s not. You’re only going to make it harder for them when they actually want to go out there and live their lives. ”
“They need to stay here. Where they’re safe. At least for now.”
“And how long does that now stretch out for, hmm?” I press.
“Because I know how quickly it can go from just looking out for them to keeping a grip on every single fucking thing they do. I know that I should have been more careful, Alexei, but that doesn’t mean that you’re in the right just because you… ”
“Just because I what?” he demands, taking a step towards me. He is fresh from the shower, skin still glistening with dampness, and I try not to let my gaze linger on the hollow of his throat, the way it pulses as the blood rushes around my veins.
“Because you don’t want your children to live a normal life!”
“Because I want them to be safe,” he growls, his eyes darkening. “And I can’t risk having someone around them who doesn’t want the same thing!”
“You think that I would ever have done what I did if I thought that it would lead to that?” I gasp, hardly able to wrap my head around what he is saying to me.
“You… You hired me to look after Max. And I’m just trying to give him a chance to live a life outside the walls you’ve built up around him! ”
“The walls that keep him safe!”
“The walls that keep him trapped!”
He stands there before me for a second, breathing hard, not taking his eyes off me.
You could cut the tension in here with a fucking knife, and I know he can feel it just as clearly as I can.
I don’t know what to say, what to do, what he expects from me right now, but I know I’m not going to pull back, not when he is accusing me of not caring when that’s all I damn well do.
I’m breathing hard as I stare back at him, daring him to go on, to push further, to show me where he is willing to take this.
“That’s how you feel? Trapped in this place?”
“It’s different for me,” I reply, shaking my head. “I–I chose to be here, I had some idea of what I was getting in to, at least. It’s not the same thing.”
“So what is it, then?” he demands sharply. “You want to leave? Take Nina and get out of here? Shit, take Max too, since you think I can’t take care of him either?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean? That I’m a bad father?”
“No,” I reply, softening at once. “No, of course not, you’re a great father, Alexei. You just need to let your son live. See what you can do to give him a life outside this place, it’s what he deserves...”
“And that’s what you deserve too, huh?” he asks, moving closer to me again; where I’m standing, I’m pressed back against the counter, and the distance between us seems to narrow to nothing at all.
My heart rises in my chest, pounding within me, and it takes everything I’ve not to react to his closeness in some way.
I don’t even know what I want to say or do, but being apart from him has left me with a craving that I’m unable to fight off.
“It’s different for me,” I echo once more. “When you told me I would have to stay, I knew what I was getting into...”
“And what was that, exactly?” He laces his words with a pointed tone, clearly trying to coax more from me, and I don’t know where to start.
I swallow hard. My mind flashes back to all the times he has taken me, all the ways he has told me that he wants me, how he has made me, every time, tell him in no uncertain terms what is going through my head.
And he wants that now, I can tell from the way he is looking at me, but I don’t know if I have it in me to come clean all of a sudden like that.
“Being near you again.”
He inches closer. His knee brushes against mine, just an inch or two away from shoving between my legs to open me up for him at once.
“And yet, you defy me,” he murmurs, shaking his head, sliding a hand to my waist. “What’s it going to take for you to understand that I call the shots here, Cara? For you to accept that I know better...?”
I part my lips, searching for some word of protest, but none comes to mind.
It’s the strangest thing, this deep craving I’ve for his control over me.
I should loathe it, but instead, I need it.
Being able to give myself over to his control, to let go of everything that I’ve been holding on to and allow him to have me in any way that he sees fit.
My hands flex at my sides, and I can feel the air between us alight with desire as he waits for my response.
As if it isn’t already written all over my face—as if I could deny it for another moment, given everything that has already happened. ..
“Tell me,” he continues, as he tugs me closer to him, our bodies pressed together there against the kitchen countertop. “What it’s going to take, and I’ll give it to you. What will it take for you to see that you need to trust me, Cara...?”
As soon as he speaks my name again, I move forward, pressing my lips to his; our mouths melt together helplessly as I gift myself to him once more, unable to deny it, unwilling to ignore the want that throbs down inside of me.