5. Xaden
FIVE
Xaden
A few days later…
Maeve is smiling at me, laughing about some dumb joke, but silence crawls into the car and weighs down on me.
But her lips are still moving. Why can’t I hear her?
Off to the side, the glare of bright, white lights shoots through the tree line just a few yards from the road. For a second, they cut right into my eyes, and it’s too intense.
The sound of shotguns going off is next. I know it’s coming. It’s hunting season, and I know this is coming.
But it’s not because of that. I knew because…because I’ve been here before.
I’ve already done this.
Panic rings through my mind, making me grip the wheel as my heart rate reaches problematic levels. I can’t stop myself, even though it’s all I want in the world.
It’s like I’m having a heart attack. Some distant part of my mind knows that the shining lights and shots aren’t aimed at me, just some poor, unfortunate deer.
But I’ve been shot at. I’ve been the one doing the shooting, and it’s all too familiar.
My arms jerk as I try to shake the memories from my head. I can’t. They’re stuck deep.
My eyes close against the bright light, and I turn away.
The lights follow me, coming at me from right ahead. There’s a loud noise blaring in front of me, too.
A horn.
I realize too late that it’s a horn, and the screeching sound of tires screams out as the other car tries to break.
It’s too late.
I’m always too late.
We collide, metal crunches, and pain is everywhere. Maeve is quiet. She’s never quiet. It’s why I liked her—the life of a party that I always felt blessed to be a part of.
The party is over, that life is o?—
Sweat drips from my brow as I shoot up in bed, trying furiously to catch my breath. Another nightmare. It’s hardly uncommon, but they always feel so real.
My heart is still racing as I try to get my bearings. I’m at home. I’m in my bed. There’s no car closing in on me. I’m safe.
But I am alone.
That part will never change. Maeve is still gone every time I wake up, and every time I wake up, I’m still broken.
The PTSD never goes away, and it was at its most substantial right after Daisy was born. That trauma cost me my wife.
I cost me my wife.
It’s been two years since the accident, and I haven’t forgiven myself for losing control of the car. I don’t think I ever will.
I mean, how could you forgive yourself for killing the love of your life? You just…can’t.
As I look over at my window, I can see sunlight peeking through the edges of the drapes. At least I was able to sleep for the entire night before the nightmare woke me up.
While nightmares are common, it means that sleepless nights are also common. I’ve definitely relied heavily on caffeine to make it through the day.
So, I guess I have to be grateful for making it this long.
Sitting up, I reach for my phone on the nightstand and pull it free of the charger. When I check the time, it’s almost seven in the morning.
“Oh, shit. I’m surprised I didn’t hear Daisy.”
I pull up the monitor app, which exited for some damn reason, and look in on her. She’s still in her little bed, singing to herself as she waddles her stuffed animals around.
Considering her mood, it’s unlikely that she’s been up and waiting for me for too long. Thank God.
The day waits for no one, so I pull myself out of bed, scrubbing a hand down my face as the weariness of sleep starts to fade away.
I just need to get changed, and I’ll bring Daisy down for some breakfast.
Eggs are cooking on the stove as Daisy watches some cartoons in the living room. We both like them scrambled, and it’s fantastic that she’ll eat them up so readily.
Breakfast of champions, indeed.
I turn the burner off and get a few of the fluffy eggs onto a plate for Daisy when my phone rings. I walk the meal to her on her little plastic plate with a spork as I swipe to answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey there, bud. Long time no chat. How’ve you been?”
Surprise hits me as I realize that it’s Adam. It really has been ages since I connected with another member of my SEAL team unit, and I take the phone back to the island so that I can eat and talk.
“Holy shit. Hi, Adam. It’s been years. I’m doing good. How ‘bout you?”
I take a bite of eggs as he responds.
“I’m good, man. In a new unit. We’ll be deploying soon, actually. I just figured I’d give you a real call since we mostly just chat on social media since…yeah.”
I know exactly how long it’s been since we talked in person or over the phone. After Maeve’s funeral the house emptied out, and it was the last time we were in the same room together.
“Yeah, it’s been a minute. It’s really nice to hear from you, Adam. Thanks.” I sigh, the memories of the nightmare twirling together with the memories of grief. “Sorry, I’ve been…quiet.”
He scoffs on the other side of the line, and I take another bite. “Don’t worry about it, dude. That’s why I’m making the effort. So, really. How’s things?”
“They’re okay. I’ve obviously still got Daisy, and she’s amazing. Just the best little kid on the planet. Though, I did just have to fire the nanny because she was stealing from me.”
“Oh shit. That sucks. The hell are people thinking nowadays?”
I laugh, struggling through a mouthful of eggs until I can speak again.
“Careful, Adam. You’re starting to sound like an old man when you talk like that.”
He offers his own laugh, and I can hear the sounds of planes taking off not too far away.
“Fair enough. So, did you get a new one?”
“I did. I actually hired my next-door neighbor. She just moved in from New York City. Ivy’s been great. She and Daisy get along quite well.”
There’s a pregnant pause and then Adam breaks it with a question that nearly has me choking on the last of my eggs.
“So, you seeing anyone yet?”
Sputtering, it takes me a good five seconds before I can answer. “Umm, that’d be a big no. I’m a single dad of a four-year-old, not a lot of takers. And besides, it’s a lot just to look after her and keep my company going. I don’t have time to date.”
“I’m a Navy SEAL, and I find time to date,” Adam retorts. “I mean, sure. It’s not very serious, but still. You can’t stay single forever. It isn’t what Maeve would want.”
I laugh, but it’s humorless, my chest tightening. “Ha, that’s what you think. She often joked about haunting my penis so…”
Adam chuckles, but he’s never been one to let something go. “That’s a joke, dude. And come on. It’s not for you to be alone. You’ve always been a bit of a romantic.”
Scoffing, I get up from the stool and walk my plate to the sink. “That’s a bit of a stretch, dude. Just because I wasn’t as big of a hit-it-and-quit-it type of guy as you and Benji does not mean I’m a romantic. I’ll firmly assert that I know jack-shit about romance.”
“Whatever, Xaden. You can preach all you want, but I’ve seen you tear up at The Notebook .”
“They die at the end! I was surprised.” I chuckle, running the water over the white plate until the crumbs go down the garbage disposal. “But enough focus on me. What about you? Settling down any time soon?”
“That’s a no. I’m happy to hang out for a few days and then call it. I’m still on active duty, after all. Never in one place for very long, you know?”
Nodding to myself, I raise my brows and sigh. “I do. It’s why I left. I didn’t want to do that to Maeve anymore, especially not when I found out she was pregnant.”
“Hey, I totally get it. If I did ever find someone that made me want to quit all this, I’d know it was real. Which has a probability of about one in a million, so yeah. But hey, I need to head out. I’ve got a briefing for the next mission. We should chat again soon, though. This was good.”
I smile. “It was. Definitely, well, get to it then. Keep your powder dry.”
The archaic phrase is one our unit took to using a lot as a way of saying good luck, and I warm a little bit employing it again.
“Thanks, man. Don’t fuck the nanny. There’s rules about that shit.”
“Ha! I’m not worried about it. Talk to you later, Adam.”
With that we hang up, but the mention of Ivy has my mind churning a little. She’s due for another shift soon, and as we’ve gotten to know each other, I’ve noticed that she’s on edge a lot.
Considering that’s my constant state of being, it intrigues me. I can see a lot of my own mannerisms reflected in her.
It’s like she’s got her own trauma she’s trying to work through, and I’ll admit to being curious.
But it’s just that. It’s not like I’m about to sleep with my nanny, who’s ten years younger than me.
Still, as I try to distract myself with Daisy and her game—playing along with her as best I can when the rules to her games are always made up on the spot—my mind keeps returning to Ivy.
What is her deal? Why is she always so skittish about random text messages?
I see her wide, green eyes in my head, remembering the way her strawberry blonde locks consistently seem to be falling out of her ponytail, bun, or braid.
She’s got this effortlessness about her, and it all disappears into poorly concealed fear when her phone goes off.
I’m not sure why, but I’m desperate to know what’s going on there. I always like to solve a puzzle or riddle, and Ivy is the most fascinating one I’ve come across to date.
Ivy’s enticing, a little enigma I want to unravel. One I want to explore, whose grace I want to study up close.
Leave it be, Xaden. No good can come from getting that interested in the nanny.