34. Ivy
THIRTY-FOUR
Ivy
“Momma, momma! My tummy!” Daisy yells for her little doll, and I hurry the taller Barbie over from the other room in the Dream House.
“Baby, are you sick?” Daisy says “uh-huh” for her doll. “Oh, no. Let’s get you to the doctor right away.”
We stand up and rush over to the couch. That’s where we’ve set up the medical station. Going through the same motions and questions we have been for about an hour now, I smile as the doll is all fixed up and ready to go.
Daisy and I have been playing the same game for so long now, but she’s not bored in the slightest. She keeps asking me, “One more time?”
Of course, I agree. I mean, not only is this my job, but I also adore playing with her. It makes me hopeful for the future, and I can see a bigger Daisy being the mom doll for her baby sister.
If I have a girl, that is. Hell, what does it matter? Whoever is growing inside there can play dolls with Daisy and have a blast.
It’s also been a few days since our dinner with Bridget and Mason, and I’ve been texting non-stop with Bridget. Our kiddos have guaranteed playdate buddies.
After a few more rounds, the reminder on the home smart device goes off, letting us know that it’s time for lunch. I’ve been trying to keep us both on a better schedule since it appears to help the nausea if I don’t wait too long to eat.
Daisy hops up to her feet, knowing this also means she gets a little TV time. “Unicorn Academy?”
I nod. “Sure thing, hun. Do you want mac’n’cheese or pizza?”
“Peanut butter and jelly,” she replies with a smile.
“Oh,” I raise my brows, “we’re changing things up? Okay. PB and J it is.”
I get her set up in the living room and start making her lunch. When the sandwich is all set, I present it to her with a cup of milk on the tiny tray she uses when we don’t eat at the table.
She munches happily as her show plays, and I fix myself some toast and a rolled-up tortilla with melted cheese inside it. It’s been my go-to lunch when nothing is sounding—or tasting—good.
When we’re both finished, I clean up our plates and we watch a bit longer to let us both digest. Then, it’s time for Daisy’s nap.
“Okay, kiddo. Do you have a buddy you want to bring with you?”
Part of our classic routine is choosing a stuffy from her bin down here. She brings it down with her in the morning, so there’s a constant rotation of fluffy animals acting as her sleeping buddies.
“No. No nap.” Daisy frowns, but she walks over to the bin to snag a toy—with a massive yawn stretching her face. “Dog.”
She takes the blue dog out of the bin. It’s very fluffy, with loose fur like a shag rug, and then holds her arms up for me to carry her upstairs.
It’s going to bum her out when I can’t do that anymore.
“Do you want a story before nap time?”
Daisy perks up a bit, nodding. “Yes! There’s a Witch in My Book .”
I smile. It’s been another favorite of hers for a few days now, and I think it’s because Daisy gets to pop balloon bunnies. Or at least pretend to.
Getting her settled, I read to Daisy, and she’s snoring in her little higher register before I’ve gotten to the end.
It’s quite the sight, and I leave her room with the nightlight on and her cute melody playing to go downstairs.
When I get to the living room again, I sigh. Everything feels like it takes so much work right now, and I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like when I’m the size of a blimp.
As I stand there, debating whether to lie down on the couch and take a nap like Daisy, my eyes find the pictures on the mantle again.
I see Maeve and Xaden together and one of her alone. I study them often. Because the thing is, I think I’ve seen her somewhere before, but I can’t place it.
Why do I feel like I’ve seen you, huh?
Before I can lie down, however, I hear the office door open, and Xaden comes into the living room. I smile, and he walks over, wrapping his arms around my waist.
His fingers brush over my lower belly, a new habit of his, and I lean back onto him, still eyeing the mantel. His head comes down to the side of my neck, and he presses a gentle kiss to my skin.
I’m not sure what it is, but the urge to ask about his past again hits me. This time, I can’t resist it like I usually do, and the words are out before I can think better of it.
“What happened, Xaden? What makes you feel like you can’t talk about it with me?”
I feel him stiffen, and he pulls back, not leaving me to stand there but putting obvious distance between us. I’m not surprised or hurt by it, though.
This is the usual response.
“Ivy, I…” Xaden sighs, his eyes closing as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “This isn’t easy, you know?”
I walk closer, not letting him use the space to escape this conversation. It's too important.
“Look, I do understand. But we’re having a baby. I want to be your person. I want our family. And I don’t want there to be things left unsaid between us. It’s why I finally told you about my father.”
Xaden looks up, his furrowed brow shadowing his eyes. “Ivy, I’m sorry if you feel like I’m doing this on purpose. I’m not. I’m just…ugh.”
He blows out another breath, his head hanging. I wrap my arms around his waist this time, and he rests his head on my shoulder.
“I’m here to help, babe. Let me carry some of the weight with you.”
Something about his posture changes; it’s minute, so damn tiny. But I can sense Xaden relaxing just a hair.
He sighs against me, squeezing, and then stands tall once more.
“I’ll try.”
I can’t help but smile. This is hard for him. I know that, and I’m not some monster who doesn’t get what she’s asking.
“Thank you, Xade. I promise to honor your trust in me.”
He puts a hand on my cheek, and I lean into it. “It’s not that. I know you’ve got my back. I do. I just…I don’t want you to think differently about me.”
I shake my head. “Never.”
He offers a crooked grin. It’s clear he doesn’t believe me right now. But that’s okay. I don’t mind showing him.
Together, we sit down on the couch, and Xaden lets out another audible exhale as he formulates how he wants to start this story.
“The PTSD came first. I was a SEAL first, so when we were married, that shit was already affecting me. And…and I didn’t handle it as well as I would have liked. It’s, umm, a learning process.”
I nod, having my own baggage that I had to learn how to carry. “Okay.”
Xaden takes my hand, holding it so tight, like he needs to ground himself. I wrap my other hand around his, covering him.
“I saw a light by the side of the road. Hunters.” His stare drops to where we’re holding hands, but I know that’s not what he’s seeing. “It…it triggered me.”
The room is quiet. I let it stay that way. The spell of confession is not one I wish to break.
“I started drifting, and then there were headlights coming from the other direction. I tried to swerve out of the way.” His voice catches, and Xaden clamps down on my hands tighter. “The snow made me skid. The car…the car flipped and…”
Xaden’s tone is scratchy and deep now, and I see the single tear slide down his face when he abruptly lifts his head and stares at the ceiling. He sniffles, but somewhat surprisingly, he doesn’t move to wipe the tear away.
He lets it fall.
“God, it was so fucking…disorienting. We were in circles, and then I hit my head on the driver's door. Umm, it was a few minutes, I don’t really know, before I woke back up. Maeve was calling my name and…”
“Honey, it’s okay. You don’t have to?—”
“I do. I have to get this out.” Xaden sniffs again, shaking his head as his eyes roll up in an attempt to stop the tears. “She knew. She knew she wasn’t getting out of that car. The passenger side had crushed in, and…she was pinned in there. The moment that pressure was removed…”
I begin to put the pieces together. Maeve’s body was too badly damaged. It was only the perfect positioning of the car that kept her from dying right then and there.
“I remember getting my phone. I was out of it, but I could still move.” Xaden rolls his lips between his teeth and then meets my eyes. “The EMTs came. They had to pull me out of the car. I wasn’t going to leave her.”
“Oh, Xaden. I’m so sorry.” My chest feels like it’s cracking in half, and I can only imagine how much worse it is for him.
“The last thing she said to me…” His tears come harder now, and I move closer, doing what I can to make him feel comforted. “She said…she said that I had to keep Daisy safe and…to keep living. I couldn’t die in that car with her.”
I can’t keep myself from crying. His words— her words—are so visceral and real. Maeve just wanted him to be happy and to ensure her child lived a good life.
What more could a mom want for her kid?
I think about the baby I’m carrying, and I can already tell that I’d give just about anything to keep them safe.
“Xaden, I…” I look into his eyes, see him breaking, and push myself into his arms. “I’m so so sorry. I love you, and you’ve done exactly what she asked.”
“I didn’t mean to,” he sobs. “I didn’t mean to lose control of the car. It was an accident.”
All I can do is squeeze tighter, and I hold him. I hold Xaden, and I let him fall apart. After a moment, he sucks in a ragged breath, and I lean back to look at him, taking his face in my hands.
“You’re not evil or bad, Xaden. It was awful. So was what you experienced with the SEALs. It was all just…tragic. But you are not to blame.”
“I promise,” I can barely understand him through the renewed sobs, his face burying into my neck, “I…I will never put you in that danger. I won’t…I won’t make the same mistake again. I swear to you.”
Pulling his face up, I look him square in the eyes. “I know you won’t. And I know that wherever she is now, Maeve forgives you.”
He cries, but it doesn’t take over. When he stills again, I make him look at me. “I love you, Xaden. I love you for everything you are.”
Brushing my lips over his, I kiss him sweetly. I can taste our tears mingling, and Xaden shakes slightly as he pulls me close to his chest and holds me there.
“I will keep you safe, Ivy. I will not let your father harm you.” He leans back to look down at my stomach. “I will keep them safe. I will do everything to keep this family together. I love you.”
I take his face again, resting my forehead against his. “I believe you, babe. I do. And I’m right there with you. I won’t let us get pulled apart.”
Xaden melds himself around me, letting me be the anchor during his storm. I take the job with pride, staying right there with him until he’s ready.
I don’t know what the future holds—and I’m not convinced that my father won’t still be a problem—but we’ve done something important here today.
In my head, I silently thank Maeve for helping Xaden become the man he is while she was here, and I promise to keep him safe.
I won’t let you down. I’ll be here for him every step of the way.