38. Ivy
THIRTY-EIGHT
Ivy
Furious terror rushes through my veins as I speed down the road toward Xaden’s house.
After all these years, my father is still trying to ruin my life. He’s nearly killed me now. The tears bleed down my face, evaporating off my skin as the air rushes past.
How could he do this? Can I never be free of him?
He found me, too. He found me in Red Lodge after everything I did to keep myself safe, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.
“Goddamn,” I shout to no one, “why couldn’t I stop him?”
My father has always treated me like a waste of space until I proved useful. He thought the same of Jasmine and our mother.
Is he right? Am I nothing but a burden to everyone around me?
Rage and regret and pain swirl through me like too much alcohol. I keep the stuff to a minimum because alcoholism and addiction run in my family. Crime runs in my family.
This isn’t right. I can’t just stay here and let my bullshit take everything from Xaden, from Daisy. They don’t deserve that.
It’s all too much, too, too much. The past hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s right here, and it’s dragging me down all over again.
Leave. Get out of here.
The voice in my head is loud, and I can’t ignore it. So, I don’t. I park at my house and rush over to Xaden’s, and I run inside, slamming the door behind me.
At first, I worry that I’ll scare Daisy, but the house is silent. She’s not here.
“Xaden left to find me. He probably…” I look at the house on the other side, the one that isn’t mine. “She’s with Bridget and Mason. Good.”
I don’t wait another moment longer. I rush up the stairs straight to the closet. So many of my things have made it over here, and I start to pack everything I can into the duffle I used to transport my shit.
I won’t stay in Red Lodge. I won’t stay in Montana. I’ll go somewhere crazy. Maybe Australia? Whatever it takes.
And I won’t tell anyone where I am.
In the middle of shoving my many pairs of leggings into the floppy black duffle bag, I stop. My hand goes to my stomach, nausea flaring.
You’re pregnant, Ivy.
“Fuck. What am I going to do about this?”
My tears start all over again, and I struggle to breathe. I’ve gotten pretty attached to the future, looking forward to meeting the little person growing inside me.
I finally bought onesies and learned all that silly shit from the saleswoman about snaps and bottles and binkies.
Looking down at myself, I smile sadly. “I won’t abandon you, little bean. I’ll be here. I…I promise.”
But I know that means they’ll live without meeting their father. Xaden will be heartbroken, and I don’t see how he’ll be able to forgive me for it.
He’ll be alive, though, and that’s the more important part.
Shirts, underwear, and socks all make it into the duffle, and a few of the mementos I don’t want to leave without—a tee of Xaden’s, the tickets to the drive-in, and one of Daisy’s stuffed animals that she forgot in the bed.
I want to keep the two of them close even if I never see them again.
Sobs rack my chest once more, and I force myself to breathe through my nose, shaking as I gather the rest of my things into the duffle.
Thunder cracks outside, and with a flash of white, my attention is pulled to the window. It’s suddenly pouring now, not cold enough yet to be snow, and I shake my head with a sarcastic laugh.
“Of course. Because yeah, of course, it’s raining.”
Hoisting the duffle onto my shoulder, I fly down the stairs, intent on getting the hell out of here, before Xaden finds me and tries to stop me.
I can’t say goodbye, after all. I won’t be able to. I need to be gone before he gets home.
Not bothering to look for an umbrella, I snag my keys from the catch-all dish and run to my car next door. The rain soaks through my clothes quickly, and I throw my car door open, tossing my bag onto the passenger seat.
I slide in, flicking my wet hair out of my face, and start the car. The engine doesn’t so much roar to life as finally turn over, and I look up into the rearview mirror to back out of my driveway.
The gravel crunches under the tires as I reverse down the uneven, crappy drive that was still on my list of things to fix.
But I don’t make it to the road. A pair of headlights shine behind me in the drive, and my stomach drops.
Is it Xaden…or my father?
Either way, I’m forced to stop, putting the car in park. I sit there, watching through the mirror, and then Xaden gets out of the car and rushes up to my door.
I’m shaking my head when he pounds on the window. “Ivy! Come on! Talk to me!”
All I can do is cry, and I think about throwing the car into reverse again and trying to maneuver around his vehicle.
There’s no room for that, and when Xaden doesn’t give up, I’m forced from the car, guilt and pain making me get out.
I still don’t want to face him, though.
“Ivy, where are you going?” He shakes his head, standing there in the pouring rain with me and grabbing my shoulders.
“I can’t do this. I can’t…you’ll get hurt. He nearly killed…what about Daisy?!”
I can’t meet Xaden’s eyes, but he takes my chin and forces my face up. “Hey. Look at me.”
I’m frozen. What is my life? How can I risk them like this?
“Look at me!”
Jumping, I stare up into Xaden’s eyes, the rain mingling with the tears that stream down my face.
“You cannot leave. Your father has been arrested. It’s going to be okay.” He’s holding me so tightly, and I can feel the warmth of his skin contrast with the freezing rain that drenches me. “Don’t fucking leave, Ivy.”
I’m shaking, cold and panic and fear holding me tighter than Xaden, and I shake my head.
“He’ll get out! He’s gotten out before!” I’m trembling, my teeth clacking together so that my words are mumbled. “I can’t let you get hurt!”
“We do this together, Ivy!” Our voices are still muffled against the pouring rain, and thunder booms once more. “He is going to jail, and we’re going to make sure he stays there. Okay?”
My shoulders slump. I want to be safe. I want to believe him. But I’m so damned terrified.
“You can’t go. You can’t. I wouldn’t survive it, Ivy.” It’s impossible to tell in the storm, but instinct says that Xaden is crying. “You have healed me. I’m a better person because of you, able to deal with my fucking trauma and be there for Daisy.”
“Xaden, I…”
“You know it, Ivy. And you’ve been a mother to Daisy. She loves you as much as I do. You can’t leave us.”
Xaden gets down on his knees, putting a hand over my lower belly.
“You’re carrying my child, and all I want in the entire world is to be a family with you. I love you, Ivy. I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you, and I’m not letting you go. You belong with me. You can’t run anymore. I promised to be by your side, and I have been. I am. Please, Ivy. Stay."
I can’t stop shaking, but I also can’t look away from Xaden’s eyes. They’re all I want to look into for the rest of my life.
“I’m so scared, Xaden.”
“I know, baby. But I’m here. We can do this—together.”
I crumble to my knees, wrapping my arms around him. “Okay.”
He squeezes me, squeezes me like I might disappear into smoke. “Okay?”
Nodding against him, I let out the deepest breath of my life. “Yes. I’ll stay. I’ll stay with you— forever .”