Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
FOREST
The ride home was tense. I had no idea what to say, and I wanted to pretend like Nash wasn’t angry with me, but I could feel something between us had shifted.
The stress of it caused my legs to go stiff and numb, my feet to turn in toward each other, and my hands to curl into tight, shaking fists by the time we pulled into the driveway.
Nash still hadn’t looked over at me, and I said a small prayer he wouldn’t when he turned the engine off and opened his door. “You coming?” His tone was short and sharp.
I’d been a burden long enough, and I realized my fears were probably coming true: he was getting sick of taking care of me. “I’ll be in shortly.”
He hesitated, then stepped out and closed the door. The moment he did, my head fell back against the seat, and I willed my hands to open, but they refused. My legs were as hard as iron and refusing to move, and taking long, deep breaths and trying to relax the way I was taught in PT wasn’t helping.
God, I was going to be stuck out here all night.
I was going to be—
If I’d had the ability, I would have jumped out of my seat when the door wrenched open and Nash loomed over me. His eyes were narrowed as he stared at my clenched hands in my lap.
“I knew it.”
I swallowed heavily. My tongue felt a little thick and the world began to rock as nystagmus kicked in. This was going to be a bad one. “Sorry.”
“Forest, I—” He stopped on a sigh, then his massive arms shoved under my legs and behind my back, lifting me into his arms. The bridal carry was better than the fireman’s carry, but I still hated feeling helpless.
There was nothing I could do, of course. Fighting him would probably bring on a seizure, and if I could avoid at least that, I’d call it a win. So I let my head flop onto his shoulder as he marched me into the house and bypassed my bedroom, setting me on the couch instead.
“Let me get your muscle relaxers.”
I couldn’t form the words to argue as he walked into the kitchen and returned a moment later with the small pill bottle and a glass of water. He knelt beside my knee and set one hand on my thigh as he held up a single small white pill.
“Open.”
It took effort to do it, but I managed to stick my tongue out, and he laid the pill in the center before bringing the water up to my lips. Swallowing was hard. With whole-body flares, it was like every muscle in my body had disconnected from my brain, and I had no control.
But I managed to choke down a few swallows and shuddered when Nash swiped water from the corner of my lips.
“Okay?”
I took a breath, then nodded.
“Do you want to sleep out here or in your bedroom?”
It took me too long to answer. So long that he stood back up, but I managed to get out, “N-neither.”
He froze and turned to look at me. “Neither?”
It took another moment before I could speak the rest of my sentence. “I don’t want…to be alone. I’m sorry. Having trouble…with words.”
His face shuttered, then softened, and he dropped beside me on the couch. I was grateful he didn’t humiliate me by taking me into his lap or anything ridiculous. It was hard enough not being in control of my own faculties, but being manhandled made it feel worse.
Instead, he lifted my legs up over his thighs and helped me twist so I could lie along the length of the couch. My calves were like hard stones under his hands, but I could feel his touch a little better now as everything started to come back online.
“I hate when it’s like this,” I whispered.
“The pain?”
I shook my head. “That stress can tip me over the edge and send me into a flare like this. I know it’s coming. I can feel it. It’s like a freight train about to crash, and I’m helpless to do anything but stand on the sidelines and watch.”
“Forest,” Nash said quietly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have—”
“No.” His jaw snapped shut as I attempted to push up on my elbows. The shaking in my hands had stopped and my fingers were starting to uncurl. “You deserve to be unburdened, Nash. This isn’t fair to you. I’m going to talk to my brother.”
He let out a trembling breath and rolled his eyes up toward the ceiling. “He’s going to find out, even if we don’t tell him. I know Tameron will keep my secret, and I trust Dayton. But people around here talk.”
“I don’t want to put the burden on them either,” I told him. “I should have done this a while ago. I could have grown a fucking spine and put my foot down about Creek babying me. Instead, I made you complicit in a lie.”
Nash was quiet for a long beat. “If we hadn’t kept it a secret, we probably wouldn’t be married. Creek would have figured out a way to get you healthcare.”
I don’t know if he was saying that because he regretted his choice, or because he would have regretted not marrying me.
I was afraid to ask because the second answer would ruin me.
I was so in love with him it was ridiculous. I couldn’t run from it. I couldn’t hide from it. All I could do was try to keep my mouth shut and put up as much of a defense as I could manage. But it was hard when he held me like this.
When he looked at me with soft eyes, spilling tender words, it made me want to crawl on top of him and kiss him until neither of us could breathe. And hell, maybe I would have lost control and done exactly that, but my saving grace was that my body wouldn’t allow me to.
Not right now.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
“About you.” I couldn’t lie. I was so done lying. It had always gone against every single one of my morals, and I was worrying I was losing myself in the process of dealing with this new disorder. “I wish I could kiss you right now.”
His cheeks went slightly ruddy. “Forest. You can. I told you before that I’m yours.”
“Yeah, but I fucked up your day today. Not sure I deserve—”
My words were cut off as he leaned over and pressed a finger to my lips. “No.” I glowered at him, then licked his finger. He grimaced but didn’t move it. “Nice try, but I fucking mean it. You’re not going to apologize for doing something I suggested and agreed to. This isn’t on you.”
I knew what he was doing, so I used my arm to knock his hand away and glowered at him.
“You’re not going to try and take on a heavier burden because I made a bad decision.
” I took in a deep breath. “I don’t regret marrying you.
I like you, Nash. I’m very obviously attracted to you, and spending time with you has been…
” I didn’t really have the words, and I wasn’t going to tell him I loved him.
My brain was foggy, and I was struggling to say something coherent. “It’s been amazing.”
“Sweetheart…”
I shrugged and flopped back down. “You can’t protect me from everything. I don’t want you to protect me from everything. I want to feel like I can do this. And I want you to be allowed to get angry at me when I make a shitty decision that affects other people.”
His eyes went wide, then he laughed and touched my jaw. “Shitty, huh? You must mean it if you’re pulling out the swear words.”
I shrugged and tried to hide my smile, but failed. “I do. And I’ll fix it, okay? You deserve to be taken care of, too, and I want to be part of that. Your friends told you to lean on them, but I want you to know I’m here too. This doesn’t have to be all me.”
He swallowed heavily, then sat back. “Let me carry you to bed.”
I should’ve expected that. I was being too much. “I can get up on my own.”
“Forest, you still can’t open your hand enough to flip me off, and your legs are limp as fuck. Just…let me help when you need help.”
I tried to prove him wrong, but the most I could manage was half a peace sign. Flopping back down, I groaned. “Fine.”
Nash chuckled quietly as he scooped me back up into the bridal carry.
It didn’t feel as awkward this time, with the muscle relaxers hitting me.
I was breathing easier and my body didn’t feel like it was trying to fist-fight me.
My legs were limp now, like a wet spaghetti noodle, and wouldn’t hold my weight, but at least I could flex my toes again.
“Your place or mine?” he asked when he hit the hallway.
I groaned. “Cute.”
His smile was bright, though it didn’t reach his eyes, which told me he was still struggling with all of this. “I’m serious. I’d like to curl up with you for a while, so how about yours? Easier if you need to move around tonight.”
I hated that he was right. I wanted this to be more equitable. I wanted to be able to share his space, too, if he wanted me there. But right now, I wasn’t going to risk the stairs. “Alright,” I whispered.
He bumped the door open with his knee, then sat me on the edge of the bed. My balance was shit and my vertigo was still hovering around my edges, but I was able to pull my shirt and pants off, crawling under the blanket in just my boxers.
He stripped to his underwear and joined me, his warm chest pressed against my back.
Tendrils of pleasure crawled up my spine, but they didn’t go much farther south than the pit of my stomach.
It was ironic that every muscle in my body was rock hard from this damn disorder, but my dick remained limp.
Nash didn’t seem interested in that though. He coasted a touch down my sternum, fingers dragging lines through the hair on my stomach, then back up where he pressed his palm to the beat of my heart. He let out a faint, shuddering breath, then buried his nose in the back of my neck.
“If I’m ever too much—” I started.
“Forest.”
“No, just…let me say this. If I’m ever too much, I need you to tell me.
I know we kind of skirted around this before, but I need to say it again.
I need to hear you promise you’ll ask for a break if you need one.
” I knew our marriage wasn’t meant to last forever.
It was destined for as long as it took me to get back on my feet.
Because I would.
I had no idea what that would look like, but I believed in myself. I had to. Otherwise, I would fall entirely apart.
“I promise,” he finally whispered. “And if I’m ever too much or too overbearing, promise me the same thing.”
It took me a minute to drag the words across my tongue because I didn’t want to say them. I didn’t want to make that promise. I wanted to just be here for him for as long as he needed me. For as long as he wanted me.
But it was only fair.
“I promise.”
Nash’s lips pursed, and he laid a kiss behind my ear before breathing out whatever breath he was holding and tightening his grip on me. “Tell me this is okay.”
I laid my arm over his, my fingers unclenched just enough to slot in between his. I pressed his hand harder against my heart. “This is okay.”
He hummed, and after minutes ticked by, honey-thick and slow, I finally began to drift off.