Chapter 18
Will
The smell of the meat pie in the oven is wonderful.
It’s an old recipe from his mom, but he forgot how to make it.
Luckily, Julie remembered, and she wrote it down for him earlier when he went to visit her.
Just like in the previous times he went to visit, today she also insisted he tell her all about Owen.
He explained to her that there was nothing to update on a daily basis.
Things are tense because of what is happening in town, but when the two of them are together in the safety of Will’s house, or even outside of town, they can pretend there isn’t a dark cloud following them around.
This current situation brings back painful memories of the long months Will barely left his house. Back then, stepping outside felt like entering a warzone, and he had no ammunition to fight with. But this time feels different, maybe because it’s not himself he’s worried about.
He finishes setting up the small dining table by lighting a tall candle at the center. He doesn’t know if he’d consider himself a romantic, but it feels like something he can get good at.
They rented three of the movies Owen wanted Will to watch, and they have already finished two of them.
Maybe they will watch the third one tonight.
He wishes that not all gay movies were sad and filled with struggle.
As if a gay man can’t escape the complexity of his life even through watching a movie.
Owen thinks that someday they’ll make gay movies that are fun and romantic, maybe even television shows, but Will is doubtful.
As he waits for Owen to arrive, he checks himself in the mirror.
His hair has grown a bit longer than usual, looking more wavy.
He’s wearing dark, elegant clothes, even though they are too nice for a dinner inside, but he felt like giving it extra effort tonight.
As he looks into his green eyes, the spark in them is undeniable.
It almost feels like looking into the eyes of a stranger, and he likes the man who is staring back at him.
At the knock on the door, Will goes to open it. “Hey you.” He frowns at the look on Owen’s face. “What happened?”
“I… I screwed up. I’m fucked.”
In the two steps it takes Owen to enter, he’s already sobbing. Will pulls him into a hug, holding back from asking the dozens of questions that are circling in his head.
“I’m so fucked,” he keeps on sobbing. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Whatever it is, just relax so we can talk.”
“I shouldn’t even be here,” Owen mumbles into Will’s shoulder. “He might know I’m here.”
“Who might know?”
“Nate. Fuck, I hate him!”
Will holds him tighter, hoping to calm him down as his own fear grows. “Can I get you water?”
“No, I want to sit.”
“Okay.” Will lets go, but instead of going to the couch, Owen slumps on the floor, holding his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. “Such a fuck-up,” he mumbles. “I’m such a fuck-up.”
Will sits down as well and wraps his arms around Owen, pulling him against his chest. He’s shaking badly, his heart beating so fast; Will can feel it through his back.
“I need you to breathe now, Owen. You’re having a panic attack.”
“I am? Oh shit, I don’t want that.”
“Lean against me and focus on breathing.”
“I can’t breathe. I can’t. Why do I always mess everything up? I don’t want to go to prison.”
Trying to stay calm while Owen is falling apart is torture, but there’s no other choice. “How can I make it better?”
Still shaking, Owen says, “Sing to me.”
He’s relieved, since it’s something he can do. He clears his throat and thinks of something that will make Owen happy, but he doesn’t know the words of any Madonna song. He chooses his mother’s favorite song instead.
“A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile…”
“Oh, I love this song.”
Will continues to sing softly next to Owen’s head, feeling the man relaxing in his arms. By the time he’s done, Owen is no longer panicking, but he is sobbing quietly with his head bowed.
Now that Will has a moment to gather his thoughts, he remembers what Owen blurted out earlier. “You mentioned Nate.”
Owen tenses, and Will doesn’t push him, simply waits for the sobbing to pass.
He tries to keep his mind clear, but he can’t stop the dark thoughts from spreading like rot.
He has been worried about the possibility of Nate making a move, but he hoped that their latest heated exchange might have been enough to shove the obsession out of his head.
Based on the nervous breakdown Owen has just had on his floor, that hadn’t been the case.
“We can speak on the floor or on the couch, but I need you to tell me what happened. Can you do that, Owen?”
He nods. “The couch is fine. Can I have water?”
“Sure.” He helps him to the couch, then goes to take a glass of water, finding that his hand is shaking. Something tells him that whatever Owen is about to share will change everything.
He brings the water to Owen, who seems pale as a ghost, his eyes puffy, but at least his breathing is back to normal. He holds the glass with two hands as he drinks. Will sits next to him and waits until Owen finally says, “I don’t know where to start.”
“Wherever makes sense to you.”
Owen meets his eyes. “Nothing makes sense. I can’t believe I trusted him.”
“Did Nate betray your trust?”
“He… yes. I was doing undercover work for the police, buying drugs from two dealers up at Eminence so they could trust me. The sheriff wanted to get names out of them to stop whoever is spreading drugs across the county.”
Will’s mouth drops, hoping that Owen is sharing the plot of a movie by mistake, but then he continues to talk.
“I did a bit of drugs with those guys. Nate said it was part of the job, to make me more believable in their eyes. It was just weed and coke—I was never addicted to those, but I’m still not allowed to do that, especially on probation.”
Will can see where this is going. “You took drugs in front of Nate?”
Owen takes a long sip of water. “When he told me about you and Joel, he insisted on me taking a line of coke behind this barber shop in town. He mentioned that place a few times before, something about it being secluded in case I’d ever wanted to do drugs without anyone seeing.
” He gives Will a stern look. “I didn’t take them on my own.
It was either with those guys in Eminence or with Nate that one time. I swear.”
Will nods. “I believe you. But what happened that made you so upset?”
Owen puts the empty glass on the table, still looking too pale and very young. “Turns out there’s a security camera behind that barber shop.”
Oh God.
“Nate has evidence?”
“He waited for me when I left the library earlier. He told me to stop seeing you, that you and he have been having this arrangement…” Owen looks away, once more breathing heavily.
Acid scorches Will’s stomach. He has been trying hard to be honest with Owen, but not about what took place between him and Nate. How could anyone still want to be with him after hearing that?
When Will remains silent, Owen continues. “I told Nate that I wasn’t going to stop seeing you, and then he pulled out an envelope with photos of me snorting that line of coke. He knows the name of my probation officer, and he said… shit, I’m so sorry.”
He’s sorry because it’s over between us. Will can’t blame him since no relationship is worth someone’s freedom, but he can’t help but wish for Owen to have been smarter and less trusting.
“You can’t go to prison, Owen.”
“Do you think he’ll really do that?”
Will nods. “I do.”
“But why? You wouldn’t be with him if I were out of the picture, right?”
Will snorts. The mere thought is preposterous, and Nate would have known that if he weren’t so messed up. “No, I won’t be with him. Ever.”
“But did you and him really have that arrangement?”
Now it’s Will who looks away, unable to face the wariness in Owen’s eyes. Whether or not their relationship survives this night, Will doesn’t want Owen to carry horrible thoughts about him. But maybe that would be for the best. Owen could feel as though he dodged a bullet.
“I won’t judge you,” Owen says quietly.
Don’t make empty promises. “I think he drugged me one night,” Will ends up saying.
“I thought I drank too much, but now I think he must have slipped something into my drink. I stumbled home, and he was right behind me. We found ourselves here, and I was so… I was out of it, just sitting on the couch like a zombie. He started touching me, and I knew I couldn’t kick him out in my condition, so I let him go on so he could have his fun and leave.
Then he said something about Joel, and I pushed him back.
He hit me, and since I couldn’t hit him back, I took the pain.
And…” Will takes a sharp breath. He now wishes to say these words for his own sake, because his beat-up soul deserves it.
“I liked it. Not the pain itself, but how it made me feel less guilty, like I was being redeemed through my suffering.”
“But what Joel did to himself wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe, but I carry part of the blame. He needed someone stronger, Owen. Joel needed someone who would break up with him the minute he became too crazy and too cruel. I tried so hard to be the good guy that I ended up turning into the villain. You can’t condone madness and hope for it to pass.
It spreads and takes over until there’s nothing left from the man you used to know.
So yes, I feel guilty—have been for years—but when Nate hit me…
I felt better. That was the start of our arrangement.
It didn’t last long, and it might have made me feel less guilty temporarily, but it also made me feel… filthy.”
Owen holds Will’s hand. “There’s nothing filthy about you.”
Will brings Owen’s cold hand to his lips. “I stopped feeling like I needed Nate’s violence, and yes, you had a part in that. I told Nate that it was over and hoped that would be the end of it.” He exhales. “It seems I gave him too much credit.”
They remain quiet for a long time, still holding hands, but there’s distance between them that wasn’t there before.
Will feels it in the air; in the way they don’t meet each other’s eyes.
They can sit here and talk about how horrible Nate is as much as they want, but it doesn’t change the fact that Owen’s freedom is now in that man’s hands.
“I can’t let you go to prison, Owen. We both know that isn’t a risk we’re willing to take.”
Owen shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “I can’t believe I let him fool me like that. I’m so sorry, Will.”
“I know.” He kisses the side of Owen’s head. “I know you do. And I can’t believe your aunt would agree to you going undercover.”
“Agree? She doesn’t know about that. She’d kill me.”
Will lets Owen’s words sink in. This changes things. “She doesn’t know that Nate took you on those undercover jobs?”
“No.”
“Owen, if she finds out about that, or about Nate blackmailing you—”
“Then she’ll know I took drugs.”
“Oh yeah, she’s gonna let you have it, but only after she gets her hands on Nate.” Will has experienced firsthand what she’s capable of doing to those she thinks did her close ones harm.
If they could just use it to their advantage…
Will opens his mouth, then stops to reconsider his words. He can’t give Owen false hope, but there is a plan forming in his head. “Let me see what I can do,” he finally says. “No promises, but please trust me.”
“Of course I trust you. And thank you for not kicking me out.” He looks at the table at the center of the room. The burning candle is halfway gone. “You did this for me?”
“Yes. The pie should be ready soon. My mom’s old recipe.”
Owen leans down with his forehead against Will’s chest. “This is the worst night to fuck everything up.”
“There’s never a great time for that. Are you hungry?”
“I’m too nervous to eat. It feels like I have angry crows in my stomach.”
“How can I help?”
“You can’t. I’ll need to… wait.” He raises his head, the color back in his cheeks. “Let me draw you.”
Will smiles. “How do you want me?”
“Naked, Will. The answer is always naked. You should know that by now.”
*
“I need to do something bad, Julie.”
She’s sitting on her bed, looking tired with dark circles under her eyes. “How bad?”
“Depends on how you look at it.”
“I’m too tired for riddles, Will. Is this about Owen?”
He shifts in his chair. “Why do you think that?”
“This is a hospice, not a morgue. Gossip passes through here just fine. You told me that you and Owen are together, and now it seems that everyone knows.” She shakes her head. “People should mind their own damn business. You’ve been taking crap from them for years.”
Will remains quiet. Julie has been spared from hearing about most of the shit he had to deal with because he always pretended to be better than he was around her.
“You’re doing it again,” she says. “Not letting me in.”
“I am letting you in. I’m here talking to you.”
“Yes, technically, but I’m still in the dark. Who do you need to hurt?”
He’s taken aback by the blunt question, but it forces him to speak frankly. “Nate.”
Julie nods. “I never liked that weasel. Are you going to be careful?”
“Yes.”
“He’s a cop.”
“I know.”
She watches him with concern, but she must see the determination in his eyes, so she doesn’t try to change his mind.
“I trust you, brother. Do what’s right.”