Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Carson
I had more or less made my peace with not driving.
Getting rides into town or relying on Jude when we wanted to hang out wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
However, needing Colt to bring me to my long-awaited neurology appointment had me about as pleasant company as a wet cat.
I hated that he’d had to take time away from his day to help me.
Hated more that there was so much unsaid between us, making the tension in his truck pea-soup thick.
“You nervous?” Colt asked as we neared Durango.
“About the doctor?”
Duh, Carson. Of course he meant the doctor. He didn’t know how I’d spent the last few days missing Jude, wishing he would text, not getting up the courage to contact him myself.
Colt shot me a considering look. “Or anything else you want to talk about.”
“No point in being nervous.” I made the broad statement for me as much as to ward off Colt’s concern.
I’d always been cool under pressure. Level-headed. Getting worked up about either Jude or the appointment was pointless, yet my palms sweat and my feet itched in my boots.
“That’s a good attitude to have.” Colt slowed for an RV that was plodding along, cursing softly under his breath.
“Thanks for skipping work.” I tried for a grateful tone. Colt should be off doing important sheriff business, not ferrying me to a medical appointment and fighting mid-week tourist drivers.
“I’m happy to.” Colt’s voice sounded forced, the fake polite he’d trot out for elderly relatives. “Family first.”
“Yeah.” Feeling like one more obligation on Colt’s to-do list had me slumping in the seat, and missing Jude that much more because he never made me feel like a burden.
“Besides, you’re my favorite brother.” Colt adopted a lighter tone, probably aiming to jolly me up. “Don’t tell Kane.”
“I won’t.” I hadn’t spoken to Kane since his birthday party, other than ignoring a few texts angling to get me to invest in his newest venture. “He in trouble again?”
“Cash-flow issues.” Colt groaned before shooting me a relieved smile. “Thank God, you were always smart in that area.”
“Sometimes.” The bill for Linus’s MRI at the vet hospital had finally arrived, and after years of saving, my bank account finally had something to complain about.
“You got something to tell me?” Colt tensed his jaw.
Yes. Lots. And lots I couldn’t share, but maybe it would help to confess this one thing to someone. “I paid for Linus’s MRI.”
“Why’d you do that?” Colt made a frustrated noise, the sort he made about Kane on the regular, but never me. “The ranch likely would have covered it.”
“Likely.” I pursed my lips, looking out the truck window at suburban Durango. Traffic had picked up just in time to slow down for stoplights and busy intersections. “He’s a good horse.”
Colt let out an exasperated breath. Opened his mouth like he wanted to tell me off, but then swallowed hard. “And you’re a good man.”
“Eh.” I almost wished he would lecture me. A reason to get worked up was rather appealing to my dark mood. Not to mention that Colt pulling his punches made me feel like he was coddling me rather than sharing how he really felt.
I let the thick silence settle over us again until we pulled into the medical complex. Early for the appointment because Colt and I both ran on the assumption that fifteen minutes early might as well be late.
“Do you want me to come in?” Colt asked as he parked.
“I’ve got it.” My voice came out as a harsh bark. Regret ran swiftly through me, especially when Colt removed his sunglasses to rub the bridge of his nose.
“I know you do.”
“Do you?” Months of frustration over his hovering came out in the single question.
“I’m trying.” Colt turned in his seat to look more directly at me. “And I’m trying to be better about trusting you to handle your own life. You’re an adult, but you’ll always be my little brother. Nothing can change that.”
“Family first.” Voice hollow, I echoed his earlier sentiment. My spine refused to relax. I appreciated that his concern came from a place of love, but I needed him to try a little harder on the trusting-me thing.
“I was offering more for moral support.” Colt made a vague gesture as if trying to wave away the tension between us. “In case it’s bad news.”
“I’m gonna be okay.” I said the words for me as much as for him. I stretched to loosen my back and chase some of my fight away. Colt’s offer came from a place of brotherly love. And I’d certainly been agitated enough about this appointment. “Driving’s not everything.”
“But it was to you,” Colt said softly.
“Yeah,” I allowed. The last few months rushed through my brain like a movie on fast forward, jumping from frame to frame.
I’d arrived at the ranch thinking my medical discharge was the worst thing in the world, only to find a whole life worth living here.
At the moment, Jude not talking to me seemed like a far more pressing problem than whether I’d get cleared to drive. “Got some perspective.”
“Good.” Colt gave a slow nod, continuing to peer intently at me.
“Reckon I’ll cope either way.” The gravity of my words rumbled through me like a tank, leveling my worries and giving me fresh resolve.
“You will.” Colt matched my firm tone. His solemn stare backed him up as he pulled out his phone. “I’ll hang out here then, check in with Maverick and the girls.”
“Good idea.” My voice turned distant. No matter how this appointment went, I’d want to share the results with Jude.
I wanted a future where I could be as offhand as Colt, with Jude’s presence in my life a given.
I had no idea how to get that, but I had to squish my eyes shut against the rising tide of longing.
“I wish you’d give Mav a chance.” Colt’s voice turned mournful.
“A chance?” I frowned, not sure how he’d misread me so badly.
“You keep turning down dinners and other invites or leaving the second the food is done.” Colt gave a defeated sigh. “I want you to get to know Maverick and the girls better.”
Oh. Damn. In not wanting to let any of them get to know me, I’d hurt some feelings. It had never been about Maverick. Or Colt, for that matter. I hadn’t wanted them to see my jealousy, see how badly I wanted what they had. Hell, I hadn’t wanted to let myself see any of that either.
“They’re family now.” I made my voice rock-solid, hoping my eyes conveyed a similar conviction.
“Exactly.” Colt blew out a relieved sigh, expression turning cautiously hopeful. “I want you comfortable—”
“Not uncomfortable.” I cut him off with a frustrated noise, directed more at me than him. How had I fucked this up so badly?
Because you were hiding. And all at once, I was done. Done pretending. Done hiding. Done looking for a reason. Done waiting for someone else to make a move. Right here. Right now. It was past time.
“I’m gay.” My hands shook, but my voice stayed firm, no stuttering.
Colt gave the most comical slow blink I’d ever seen. “Pardon?”
He’d heard me just fine, so I didn’t repeat myself. “Knew long before you and Mav.”
Years of running scared all made sense now, even the years when I hadn’t let myself truly acknowledge my truth. Years of fighting for approval, burying the real me down deep, terrified of what might happen if I let him out. Settling for sneaky encounters, not letting myself want more.
But now I did. Reckon I’ll cope either way.
My earlier epiphany resonated like a lingering shock wave, the world resettling around that truth.
I hadn’t needed Jude to give me a reason to come out.
It hadn’t been fair to put that on him. Relief surged through me, the sort of giddy, weightless feeling that followed a near-death experience.
Maybe this was me finally coming alive for the first time ever.
“Oh.” Colt opened and closed his mouth a few more times, an Academy Award-worthy parade of emotions passing over his face. “Thank you for telling me,” he said at last. “And I’m proud of you. Nothing could change that.”
“Thank you.” I closed my eyes, perilously close to tears for the first time in decades. I’d needed to hear that. For all Colt drove me up a wall with his parental caretaking, he was the person I looked up to most in the world. “I’ll come to dinner.”
“Wait.” Colt made a pained sound. “Did I just guilt you into coming out?”
“Nope.” I gave a wobbly smile. “Done hiding.”
And I was. I hadn’t come out for Jude. Or Colt. Or anyone else. I’d come out for me, and I’d accept the consequences because this feeling of freedom was worth it.
“Good.” Colt clapped me on the shoulder. “Coming out is scary at first, but living your truth is worth it.”
“I can tell.” I leaned into his touch, drawing strength from the contact. “You’re happy.”
“I want you to be happy too.” Colt used the same tone one might for a prayer.
“I will be.” And I would. Whatever happened with this medical appointment. Whatever happened with Jude. I wasn’t going to wait for happiness to find me. I was ready to chase down happy and lasso that sucker because I wanted to find out who I was when I really started living.