Needing Him (SEAL Team #3)

Chapter 1

ALEX

We fell apart, our bodies turned toward each other on the blanket next to the river where we’d been fishing. Our rods and reels lay on the grass around us.

Kelly’s fingers came up to my face, tracing across my forehead, down my nose, and over my cheekbones.

“Xander…”

I knew the words he was gonna speak before he even drew a breath to form them. “Don’t, Kelly.”

He sighed, sitting up, his arms draped over his bent knees. He trained his gaze on the river that cut a swath through the landscape stretching out around us.

Without looking at me once, he finally said, “I think I have the right to ask. We’ve been together…”

“We’re not a couple. I’ve told you that,” I interrupted, lifting myself up and resting on one elbow.

His head swiveled to look at me over his shoulder. “Fine. Then I’m the guy who fucks you. Daily. For over a year. So, yeah, I think that grants me the right to ask.”

“Then ask what you think you have the right to know.”

“How are you going to do this?”

“Do what?”

“How are you, a greedy bottom who gets cranky when he goes too long without riding a cock, going to live that life?”

“Carefully.”

“So we could…”

“No, we’re not a couple. I told you when we first hooked up, we never would be.”

“Xander, I love you. I want to be in your life. I need to know you’re okay.”

My first instinct was to repeat the sentiment.

Kelly was my greatest friend. My only friend, really.

But as much as I’d longed for love and family, to belong and be a part of something bigger than the small, isolated world I cocooned myself within, I knew better than most what love did to a person.

I lived it, and that lived experience taught me that all those things I longed for, while fabulous for some, were far from it for others.

That word…I hated how it ruled people. I loathed how it made me feel.

The things it did to my insides. How it electrocuted my nerve endings.

The way it scrambled my brain, until it resembled…

not beautiful, fluffy, bright yellow eggs that went well with bacon and toast…

thick, curdled milk, that the thought of turned my stomach.

“As long as you know all we’ll ever be is friends, because once I sign the papers, I’ve got to be careful to avoid suspicion.”

“So, that’s it? You’re going to live like a monk? You’ll never have a relationship?”

“No, I won’t be living like a monk. There will be hookups, yes. A relationship that requires something I refuse to subject myself or anyone else to? Absolutely not.”

“What’s that?”

“Need. Relationships require you to be vulnerable and to rely on another person. Needing them, them needing you. I’ve dealt with the second-hand fallout from a relationship going fucking south, and I have no desire to experience it firsthand. Or to inflict it on someone else.”

“After all this time…”

“After all this time, what?”

“You don’t feel anything for me?”

“Of course I do. Just not what you want me to feel. You’re my friend. My best friend, but Kelly, I don’t love you the way you want me to. And I definitely don’t need you like you want me to, or how I’m guessing you need me. I won’t apologize for it.”

“You’re a prick. You know that?”

“I would’ve gone with asshole, but I’ll give you that. Now, if I led you on, that would make me an even bigger asshole.”

He flopped back onto the blanket next to me, giving me something even better to look at.

Sunlight caught the moisture on his skin—sweat from our fuck and water from our dip in the river—making him glisten.

Kelly Prichard was sexy as fuck. All hard planes of lithe sinew that dipped and rose, barely any body hair, except around the dick I couldn’t stay away from. Even soft, he put on a show.

There was only one problem with Kelly Prichard.

He had visions of picket fences, and dogs, and kids dancing in his head.

He wanted a traditional family life. Only, instead of the beautiful wife standing at his side, his vision included a guy as if the two were interchangeable.

And maybe they were, to the right person.

To someone like Kelly, who wanted all that.

But I didn’t. I had no desire to be that kind of gay. And not just because of the fucked up way I grew up. I wanted to serve my country without the guilt of leaving people behind. I wanted to see the world.

And I wanted to fuck.

The last one would be hard to do under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but people did it. At least I hoped so. The numbers were in my favor.

So, no, I had no desire to couple up the way Kelly wanted.

“Either way, asshole or prick, you still haven’t explained…”

“Yeah, I did. I said I’d do it carefully.”

“Xander…”

“Kelly, there are nearly a million and a half active duty members of the military. They can’t all be straight. Which means, where there’s a will, there’s a way. And I’ll find mine.”

His head rolled toward me, eyes wet with tears that had yet to fall.

I ignored them, pressing a kiss to his lips, pulling away, and rolling to my feet before he could push for more.

My clothes and his hung from the low branches of a tree.

To cover my need for space, I checked our clothes.

Dampness clung to them, but not enough to keep me from pulling mine on.

“So that’s how it’s going to be?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The words came out on a sigh fueled by the damaged phone I pulled from my shorts pocket.

“Liar.”

The accusation came with a kiss to the sensitive spot on my neck that never failed to get my dick’s attention.

This time, I ignored the rise and Kelly’s attempt to get me back under him.

I needed to get back to civilization. Kelly huffed and began dressing, grumbling under his breath as I gathered the rest of our belongings.

“Kelly,” I began, turning toward him to suggest we head back to his family’s cabin, only Kelly took me by surprise.

He pulled me into his arms, his mouth slanting over mine.

I growled, low in my throat, taking control of the kiss and backing him up against a tree.

The deep, penetrating, sucking kiss lasted eons.

When we parted, our lips swollen, our breath short, Kelly smiled softly, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip.

“Happy Birthday, Xander.”

My eighteenth birthday. The one most kids waited for, all of us for different reasons, probably. For me, it would be the one where I took control of my life. Where I left behind the persona and life of luxury and privilege I’d grown up with, and stepped into a world of the coveted unknown.

“Let’s go. I have to get back to the city. That dunk in the river killed my phone.”

Hours later, I drove into town to get a new phone. As I walked out of the store, I spied a place I’d never allowed myself to visit, no matter how I longed to walk through the door.

The Navy recruiting office beckoned me, and I smiled. Today was the day.

Standing in the open wall of glass doors that led out onto the patio of my father’s cold, sleek, pristine, beachfront mansion, I stared out over the beach I grew up on.

The same beach where I found solace from the mean, abusive, alcoholic fuck of a sperm donor who helped bring me into this world.

The same beach where I had my first kiss, my first blow job, and my first fuck.

Man, was that a shitty-ass. There were places you shouldn’t screw, and a beach is one of them.

“Alexander, where the fuck have you been?”

Closing my eyes, I sighed before replying, “A friend’s.” I did my best to keep the snark out of my tone. The man didn’t like me on a great day. Given the tone of his voice, this was a space shuttle ride to Pluto away from being even a bad day.

“What friend?”

The question was so strange, I turned, curiosity beating against my skull.

He never gave a shit who I spent time with.

As long as it didn’t reflect poorly on him, I had free rein to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted.

It’s been that way since I turned thirteen or fourteen.

The nanny said nothing because her goal wasn’t to watch over me; it was to get in my dad’s pants and get knocked up so she could have a slice of Dad’s fortune, which was actually my mother’s fortune.

She’d come from old money, married beneath her, then died giving birth to me. My father never forgave me.

“Well? I’m waiting. What friend?”

The anger mixed with the booze I smelled on him, and I knew dodging the question would only make things worse. “Just a friend from school—Kelly Prichard. You met him and his family last year on that ski trip we took.”

I spent the week skiing. He screwed some blond ski bunny bimbo with huge tits when he wasn’t campaigning and schmoozing with donors.

“That doesn’t explain why you ignored phone calls from my staff.”

Sighing silently, I explained, “His family has a cabin. We went up there for my birthday. We hiked for a bit, and then we stopped to do some fly fishing. The current was swifter than it looked, and I slipped on some rocks. My phone was in my pocket, so it took a swim, too.”

“Of course, you were fucking off when you had responsibilities here. You’ve been a selfish little prick since the moment you were conceived. If it weren’t for you…”

“What responsibilities?” I asked to cut off the blame game he played when pissed at me, while racking my brain and coming up empty.

“Like I said. Selfish little prick.”

Ice clinked, drawing my attention to the crystal highball glass holding just enough liquid to let me know he’d already cracked open the booze.

Bingo!

My mind screamed as my nose caught fire. The smell of alcohol washed over me when my father stepped close—our chests so close they would rub if either of us took a deep breath. His eyes burned with a barely banked rage. One that never failed to catch fire whenever his gaze met mine.