Chapter 3
Quinn and Riley snuggle up next to me, my ten- and eight-year-old nieces practically crawling into my lap. Normally I hate being hugged or touched, but not with them. And not today as we sit in the front pew of the church Ethan’s family has attended for generations.
I can’t look at the casket, not directly.
Or Cara’s picture. When we first walked in, I couldn’t stop staring at it.
Instead of a professional portrait, it’s one taken of her while hiking, her arms thrown up in the air at the top of a mountain she’d recently climbed.
The sun is almost directly behind her head, highlighting her brilliant smile.
Her dark hair is pulled back in a messy braid, her puffer jacket halfway undone, and she looks absolutely radiant.
The whole family was with her that day, myself included. The girls had loved it, but she’d forced me to go on that hike. Now I’m glad she did, even as my chest aches with the memories that keep waterfalling through my brain.
Fiona is on the other side of Quinn instead of sitting next to her dad. She lays her arm over mine, squeezes. She looks so much like Cara in this moment that it hurts. Tall, willowy, dark hair down around her shoulders in soft waves and the same Mediterranean blue eyes of our mother.
The only gift she gave Cara and me. I also got her shorter stature, but the same dark hair of my father, who I can’t even remember.
I give Fiona a small smile, and turn back to the priest or pastor or whatever he is.
At least two dozen people have spoken at the service, myself included, and this guy was supposed to wrap things up quickly.
Instead he won’t shut up, is going on about how things happen for a reason.
I want to punch him in his pasty face. He didn’t know Cara and there’s no reason for this kind of violence. Her murder didn’t happen for a reason.
“Finally,” I mutter when he ends things with a prayer. And I must have said it louder than I thought, because Ethan looks at me. Evelyn, his mother, does too, frowning in disapproval. But Ethan snorts in agreement, surprising me. His mother frowns even more, but I just ignore her.
Evelyn was a good mother-in-law, apparently a rarity, according to Cara. Ethan’s dad is quiet, almost blending into the background.
But as “Time to Say Goodbye” plays over well-hidden speakers, I feel my throat closing up, a swell of emotion threatening to choke me as we slowly make our way to the aisle.
I want to scream at everyone to hurry, to get out of this place that makes her death all too real. I’m still keeping my rage buried, but it’s closer to the surface now.
By the time we’re out on the front lawn of the church, I drag in a deep breath of icy air. My lungs burn, but this is better than being cloistered inside.
“I want to go home.” Riley’s small voice pulls at my heartstrings as she tugs on my left hand.
Quinn has my right one, and even Fiona is standing next to me in the same way she used to hover around Cara.
I used to joke with Cara that her kids were like little ducklings, always following her around. I loved it because she was such an incredible mom. She’d been a mom to me too, and I probably did the exact same thing at their age. Because she represented safety.
She had made all of us feel safe. But no one had protected her.
“We’ll do whatever you want,” I say quietly, noting the relief in Fiona’s blue eyes.
They all want to be home and I can’t blame them. I want to bury myself under a pile of covers and ignore everything while I sob until I have no tears left. Ethan will probably make them go to the reception, and I know I should go too even if I have no desire to talk to anyone.
“I’m going to take the girls to the car,” I say to Ethan, who’s talking to someone he knows.
Before he can respond, Hannah appears out of the crowd in a skintight bodycon-style dress, her blonde hair twisted up off her neck, her lips painted a blood red. “My sweet girls.” Her voice is soft, tinkling, and so beyond annoying as she leans down to hug Riley and Quinn.
She was their nanny for a few months so it’s no surprise when the two girls rush to hug her, but Fiona hangs back, her arms crossed over her chest, her expression stony as she watches Hannah.
“I’m so sorry about your mom,” Hannah continues. When she stands back, she looks as if she’s going to attempt to hug Fiona, but stops herself, her smile tight.
Interesting.
“Can we get out of here?” Fiona mutters under her breath. “I don’t want to talk to anybody.”
I start to nod, then my coworker Alex steps onto the cracked sidewalk seemingly out of nowhere in black pants, boots, and a black leather jacket I’m pretty sure she sleeps in.
Rose, her visibly pregnant wife, is a few steps behind her in a black dress and a long wool coat, looking as if she’s about to freeze.
“Hey.” I know my surprise is clear that Alex is here, but it doesn’t seem to bother her.
“I’m sorry about your sister. We both are.” She nods at Rose, her expression softer than I’ve ever seen it. “Cara was such a kind person and she didn’t deserve this.”
My throat is tight as I manage a nod. I’ve tried to keep my personal life and work life separate, but clearly I’m doing a poor job of it. “Thank you for coming.” I sound like a robot but whatever. That’s about all I’ve got in me right now.
“I just flew in. We’re all here.” She chin nods behind me and past Ethan, his mother, and a bunch of people I recognize as Cara’s neighbors.
I see my boss, Fallon, and three other coworkers from our small firm.
We work with others who act in a supportive role, but we’re more or less the core six.
The ones who do the on-the-ground investigating.
Feeling as if none of this is real, I turn back to her. “I didn’t expect everyone to come.”
Alex gives me a strange look, then pulls me in for a hug. Another surprise.
I awkwardly pat her back before putting a couple feet of distance between us. The two girls are on either side of me again, Riley and Quinn taking my hands as Riley buries her face against me. She’s so young and fragile and I want to burn down the world of whoever took away her mother.
Alex gives me a soft smile and nods to the girls. “I’ll see you at the memorial.”
“Come on,” I say to the girls, shepherding them toward the parking lot on the side of the giant church where Ethan had parked earlier. I parked a few blocks away so I could get my emotions under control while I walked alone.
“We want to ride with you.” Quinn’s voice is wobbly.
“I know, peanut.” I kiss the top of her head, keeping my voice soft. “But my car is a bucket of bolts at this point. It’s not safe for you to be in.” I can afford a new one, but I have this compulsion to hold on to things until they’re absolutely useless.
“Then you shouldn’t be in it either,” Riley says, her expression serious as she looks up at me. Her breath curls out in front of her round face in little white wisps.
“Seriously, Aunt Sloane.” Fiona’s voice is full of teenage derision.
“I’ll get a new one, promise.”
Because at this moment I realize that if I want to take them places, I’ll need something safe.
Like a tank. With bullet-resistant glass.
And with Cara gone…I need to step up and be there for them more, and not just as the fun auntie.
My throat tightens again as more emotion bubbles up, threatening to suffocate me.
Thankfully we reach Ethan’s SUV and Fiona pulls out the key fob. She helps get her sisters into the back seat before sliding into the front passenger one. Then she rolls down the window as I say, “Turn on the heat.”
The cold has settled into my bones at this point and I’m not sure if it’s from the actual weather, or grief. Probably both.
She starts to say something, then glances down at an incoming text. She turns her phone over on its screen so I can’t see it, so of course that just makes me more curious. “I’ll see you at Aunt Ava’s house,” she murmurs as I step back, shoving my gloved hands into my puffer jacket.
Ava and Ryan are holding the reception at their house, no surprise.
Ava is just as torn up as we are. I’ve only seen her a few times since…
what happened. And each time her eyes are still red and puffy.
It’s a testament to how real their friendship was in a sea of artificial relationships that pepper their neighborhood and social circle.
Ethan has broken away from the dispersing crowd, deep lines carved into his face as he strides toward the vehicle. For the first time since I’ve known him, he doesn’t look like the young, vibrant exec ready to take on the world. He looks like a tired dad with too much weight on his shoulders.
“Are you okay to drive?” I stand in front of the SUV, my breath coming out in faint little clouds.
“Yeah,” he rasps out. “Just want to get out of here. Do you need a ride to your car?”
“I want to walk.”
I need to, is more like it. The longer I walk, the longer it takes to get to my car, and then the longer it takes to get to the memorial where I’ll have to talk to strangers about how amazing my sister is—was.
To people who will eventually move on or barely even knew her, all while trying not to scream out my anger.
“Listen.” I have to clear my throat to get the words out.
“I know I was coming to stay for Christmas, but…” I clear it again.
Why is this so hard? “I just want to make sure it’s okay if I stay at the house for the girls’ break.
Maybe even a little longer to help them adjust.” With Cara, I wouldn’t have even asked.
She would have expected it or just bulldozed me into staying well through the new year.
But things are different now and it’ll take time to get used to this new reality. I can’t just stop by anytime I want.