Chapter 34 #2
Bressen’s relief came out in a stuttering exhale as he held my head against his, and his maelstrom of emotions overwhelmed me.
I hadn’t seriously considered jumping into the ocean earlier.
Or I didn’t think I had. It had simply occurred to me that Magdalene’s vision couldn’t come true if I wasn’t here.
In that moment, I understood why Praya and Ariel had fled, and part of me now regretted convincing them to come back with us.
Maybe it was a mistake for them to return to the continent, to put both me and Praya where Magdalene could get to us.
Axenus had taken me down far under the ocean up at Revenmyer to keep me from hurting or killing anyone else. It hadn’t been a bad plan. When I’d thought earlier about that vast blanket of water over me, I hadn’t been thinking of my death so much as…my entombment?
“I wasn’t thinking of killing myself,” I said, and I was at least fairly certain that was true. “Praya sequestered herself on an island to keep Magdalene from being able to use her. I was just thinking maybe the safest place to keep me is deep under the ocean where I can’t hurt anyone.”
He pulled back to frown at me. “So you plan to live underwater?”
I sighed. “It wasn’t really a serious plan. I just…I was just wondering what it would be like, to never see the surface again. To never…”
I shuddered, and Bressen pulled me into his arms again.
I rested my head against his chest and inhaled his musk and hot cinnamon scent.
The smell of him wound its way into my brain, and my body relaxed of its own accord.
There was nowhere in the world I’d rather be at any given time than in Bressen’s arms, feeling his body against mine, letting his warmth soothe away every hurt and fear.
“I need you to listen to me, Cyra,” he said quietly. “Do you remember how I told you Praya had some concerns about your power?”
I huffed a laugh. “That’s what started this conversation, wasn’t it?”
Bressen pressed me gently away from him so he could look into my eyes. He took my chin between his thumb and forefinger.
“I’m going to give you the cold, hard truth right now,” he said, “but I want you to hear me out. I want you to hear everything I say.”
I nodded.
“It’s true that you have the potential to be dangerous,” he said, and a knot twisted in my stomach.
“Listen to me,” Bressen said, tightening his hold on my chin, and I nodded again.
“Praya told me that all the Hands of the Gods have the potential to be dangerous, but your affiliation with the Nemesis makes you more dangerous than most. You know that. You have the power of death.”
I bit my lip. I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. I needed to hear the “but.”
“But Praya reminded me that it’s my responsibility to balance you. If you snap, it’s my job to tie you back together. If you stray, it’s my job to bring you home. If you lose yourself, it’s my job to find you.”
I looked at him. I knew what he wasn’t saying, so I said it for him.
“If I go too far and can’t be brought back, it’s your job to end me.”
His face hardened. “No,” he said. The word was forceful. Final. “It’s true that’s what Praya hinted I’d need to do, but I know you, and I know it’ll never go that far with you.”
“You can’t know-”
“I can,” he interrupted. “Would you ever kill me?”
I blinked at the pivot in topic. “What? No. Of course not.”
“Magdalene had a husband,” he said. “Praya said she killed him.”
My mouth fell open. “What?”
“According to Praya, he tried to stop Magdalene when her ambition grew dangerous, and she killed him for it.”
I furrowed my brow, trying to understand his point. “And you think because I won’t kill you…?” I left the question open for him to fill in.
“If you can’t kill me, you can’t ever get to the point where I would need to ‘end you,’” he insisted.
I shook my head. “None of this makes sense. Why would the mates of Hands be the ones responsible for keeping them in check? Doesn’t it seem more likely that the mates would, or should, support the Hands?
We’ve merged our powers before. If I’m dangerous on my own, how dangerous are you and I together? Who keeps the two of us in check?”
Even as I spoke the words, something my father said to me at my wedding drifted back to me. I’d balked when Aramis had talked about how much power I had over Bressen, how I kept him in line.
Aramis had said, There are very few people or powers in this world that can keep a man like Lord Bressen in check, but it’s good to have at least one thing that makes him pause, and you’re that one thing for him. Don’t regret that. Embrace it.
Was Bressen the one thing, the one person, who could make me pause?
Yes, mates supported each other, but perhaps they also tempered each other as well.
Bressen would fight for me and protect me from outside dangers with his dying breath, but when I’d tried to go too far in Fernweh, he’d done what needed to be done to stop me.
I remembered the day in Gendris, the day of the coup.
I’d seen Bressen with all his angelus power as he’d called the demoni to swarm Glenora.
I hadn’t been fully aware of it at the time, but I’d felt his anger, felt how untethered he was, and I’d been determined to bring him back.
I remembered thinking the darkness was trying to take him but that I wouldn’t let it have him.
“We keep each other in check,” Bressen said, voicing the conclusion I’d already come to.
Maybe it wasn’t a perfect solution, but it had worked so far, and I found the idea unexpectedly comforting.
“I needed you,” I said softly. “I needed you after Magdalene told me all those horrible things, but Talyn took you away, and then I was terrified of what might happen to you.” I started to speak faster. “I thought I’d feel it if they killed you, but I didn’t know for sure and-”
He pulled me against him again, and I cut off my panicked rambling.
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t find you sooner,” I whispered. “I tried. I tried so hard to sense where you were, to use my powers to find you, but nothing worked.”
I started to cry again, and he stroked my hair gently.
“It’s not your fault,” he said. “Your powers do have limits, but the gods were with us, and we were able to get out relatively unharmed. As a bonus, we got Aidan back as well. Or at least his body.”
I lifted my head again to look at him.
“You’re not angry at Talyn for what she did, are you,” I said. A statement, not a question.
He sighed. “I’ll admit there were several hours after she took me that I happily would’ve killed her as painfully as possible, but…
I suppose I understand why she did what she did.
And ultimately, she kept her promise to get me out of there safely.
Let’s just say I no longer put her in the same category as Sandrian and Magdalene. ”
I looked into his eyes, those beautiful turquoise pools that always made my knees weak, and I saw the rest of what he didn’t say.
“You’re considering asking her to work with us,” I said.
He paused. “I already suggested it actually. Before the battle. She wasn’t inclined to accept at the time, but I haven’t taken the offer off the table. Would it bother you if she did work with us?”
I considered this. My feelings about Talyn were…complicated at best, but as long as she could be trusted, I could live with having her around.
“Samhail seems to like her,” I said, evading the question.
He chuckled. “Samhail more than likes her, although I doubt he’s ready to admit how much, especially now. Does that bother you?”
I honestly didn’t know. Samhail and I would never be lovers again, and I’d accepted that. To see him with another woman so soon, though, particularly one we had such a fraught relationship with, was unsettling, to say the least. But I wasn’t sure it bothered me per se.
“No,” I said, then corrected myself at Bressen’s dubious look. “I don’t think so anyway.”
He kissed me on the forehead. “It’s fine if it does. I don’t expect you to get over your feelings for Samhail so soon, if ever.”
“I love you,” I told him.
“I know you do, and I love you too,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel something for him as well. Human emotions can be complicated fucking things.”
I smiled. “I need to go to bed. It’s been a long day.”
He kissed my forehead again and released me so I could change into my nightgown.
Minutes later, we were in bed with his large, strong body curled protectively around mine.
His arm wrapped around my waist to pull me close, and I savored the feel of his warm breath as it ghosted over my ear.
We were both too tired to do anything more, but we’d make up for it in the morning.
For now, being together like this was enough.
Here in Bressen’s arms, nothing could hurt me.
And I couldn’t hurt anyone else.