Chapter 13 – Zanae
13
ZANAE
T he rest of the week passed, and Elijah was avoiding me. It wasn’t just a casual sidestep; I swear, it’s like he had a sixth sense for my presence.
He was actively dodging me, even during training sessions with Nikolai. It was weird, to say the least.
I couldn’t figure out why he was acting this way, but then again, this man was just a walking mystery for me.
Strangely enough, I found myself missing his cold presence. It was like a twisted part of me, that lonely desperate girl craved the life he brought into her world. Maybe it was just easier to focus on him than to deal with my own thoughts, especially on a day like today. My mind wasn’t entirely present during our daily training session.
When you’re mourning someone, your emotions can be all over the place depending on the day.
Today was her birthday, a day she won’t be celebrating, and I found myself attempting to step into her shoes, but it felt like grasping at smoke.
Stay strong Z. Stay Strong.
Easier said than done.
Nikolai took over as my trainer today. He walked around me, ducking and weaving with ease and comfort, that cocky grin always on his handsome face.
“Come on, Zanae, you’ve got to be faster than that. You’re not fighting your father; you’re fighting me.”
“You always bring up my father during training. Can’t we focus on me beating the shit out of you without mentioning that man?”
Niko chuckled, bringing his hands up in the air, “Alright, no more father talk. Let’s discuss something else. How’s Miranda doing? Haven’t seen her in a while.”
Miranda. The thought of her face brought a brief smile to my lips. “Oh, Nikolai, are you interested in my friend? I knew it!”
He playfully rolled his eyes, “Please, Zanae, I’m just a gentleman and a good guy.”
“Yeah, of course Niko. Such a gentleman.”
“Speaking of that, how are you holding up with Elijah? He’s been quite distant lately.”
I continued to trade punches with him, but my mind was full of that night in his house. “I think he’s trying to break a world record for avoiding me.”
“Zanae, I know you think he’s some kind of case you want to analyze, but he’s not in a place for emotional entanglements, especially with someone like you.”
Someone like you, fucking broken and ruined, useless and weak.
I clenched my fists, trying to drown out the voices in my head, but they only grew louder, more insistent.
Fucking useless, broken, ruined.
He might be correct. I was still here, and she wasn’t.
My heart and mind are in such agony. Can I just pull them away from my soul? The pain is too much
I arched an eyebrow, annoyed and somehow hurt.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Niko?”
He paused, choosing his words carefully. “It means I know Elijah well enough to know that the collision of a storm and a volcano could be catastrophic. Don’t let the fire between you consume everything. You could end up hurting yourself even more, and him too.”
I absorbed his warning, the heaviness of his words sinking in.
I already had too many demons in my own head; I couldn’t afford to let the Devil add to the list.
But even as I tried to focus back on our sparring session, my mind refused to cooperate.
The voices gnawed at the edges of my sanity tauntingly, their mocking laughter drowning out everything else.
She’s dead because of you.
Breathe Z, just breathe .
Niko must have noticed my distraction, for he removed his gloves and approached me with a gentleness that caught me off guard. “What’s going on, Zanae? You seem completely elsewhere; I almost hit you with a punch that could’ve done some considerable damage on your pretty face.”
I met his gaze, feeling the emptiness even in my own eyes, “I’m sorry, Niko. I thought I could handle it today, but in the end, I don’t want to waste any more of your time.”
I slipped off my gloves, my attention lingering on the small scars at the base of my wrist.
She always found me in my room every time I inflicted that upon myself. She would just cover them and sleep against me, stroking my hair and hugging me tightly, without saying anything.
In a year I will be older than she could ever have been.
Nikolai delicately took my hand in his, examining the marks on my skin. His eyes widened slightly, and without saying a word, he guided me out of the ring and settled me on a bench.
But my panic only grew, the true Zanae laid bare for him to see.
He knows.
He knows I’m broken.
“How long has it been like this?” he asked gently, his voice dripping with compassion and sadness.
I gazed ahead, unable to face the pity in his eyes. “I don’t even know anymore.”
“I didn’t know… we didn’t know. I’m sorry,” he added softly, his grip tightening on my shoulders.
“You couldn’t know. It’s okay. Please don’t look at me like I need help,” I replied, feeling embarrassment and so much frustration.
“Listen, we may not fully know each other yet, but from what I’ve observed, Zanae, you’re a good person. You can reach out to me anytime—just send a text, and I’ll respond immediately.”
I met his eyes, surprised by his reaction.
A sad smile tugged at my lips as I whispered, “I’m okay. Sometimes it’s good for me. You know, feeling pain is proof that I’m still alive.”
Pain had always been a part of my life, and I had grown accustomed to it. I just didn’t want anyone else to see that fucked up part of me that. My suffering was mine. The only thing that belonged to me. It was the only way for my brain to register that my body was still warm, even when my heart grew cold.
Because pain was the blood that flowed through my veins.
Nikolai glanced at my wrists again with hope and reassured, “You’ll find other sources of life beyond the pain, Little Z. I promise.”
I nodded, not really understanding the depth of our conversation. “What if I can’t?” I confessed, in a whisper.
But Niko just took my hand and squeezed it between his. “You’re going to learn. Consider me your new personal clown if I have to.”
A little laugh escaped me despite myself. “You’re more like an annoying big brother than a clown.”
He smiled, clearly pleased that he succeeded at making me laugh. “Then let me be.”
Let him into your heart, Zee.
“Okay.”
I walked towards Miranda’s Café for the fourth time that week, but something felt off. My heart quickened because I sensed a presence trailing my steps slowly.
Someone was following me.
The small alley felt like a cage, but it’s anger and fury that fueled my steps, not fear or apprehension when I turned into a deserted side street.
No one would threaten me. Not again.
The bastard’s eyes widened when I confronted him, a knife pressed against his throat.
“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded, pressing the blade deeper against his flesh.
Fucker .
His hands shot up in the air, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. “I-I’m nobody, just doing a job, Miss Dellé.”
My eyes narrowed, “What fucking job are you talking about?”
The man stuttered, “Mister—mister Volkov sent me to watch over you.”
This fucking man.
Frustration and fury coursed through my veins, burning under my skin. Is this some kind of sick joke?
I stepped closer, the cold steel of the knife digging into his skin.
“Take me to him. Now.”
“I can’t- I can’t do that.”
The blade cut through, blood oozing from the wound. “Either you take me alive, or I’ll find the road myself and take your head with me.”
The man hesitated, but the threat in my eyes left him with no choice. “Alright, alright, just put that knife down, Miss.”
I couldn’t even think straight. He sent one of his men to follow me, treating me like a child. But he still avoids me. Elijah Volkov is like a sickness I can’t get rid of. And I hated it