Chapter 21 – Zanae
21
ZANAE
T he morning arrives, and I wake up, remembering yesterday’s night events.
What the fuck have I done?
I fucked up so fucking much I want to punch myself.
The bandage on my wrist… oh my god .
Last night, Elijah took care of me like no one ever did. The Devil himself healed my wounds.
Isn’t that ironic?
I hate myself for letting him see that part of me yesterday, the raw, vulnerable Zanae, the one so entangled with her demons that she resorts to self-harm just to make them fucking stop screaming.
It’s a battle I’ve fought alone for so long, my fucking battle. The thing with Elijah is, he never looked at me like I was broken.
Now, he might pity me.
I don’t want him to look at me like everyone else does. I want him to keep challenging me, to ignite the fire within me. To make me feel alive, and just touch me until I can’t feel anything but him.
I put on a long sleeve hoodie to cover that up, when I hear muffled voices. I hesitated at the doorway, catching snippets of a conversation between Niko and Elijah.
“I’m fucking telling you right now, Niko, we can’t take unnecessary risks, especially with her safety on the line. It’s not a playground, and if something happens to her, I’m going to turn it to a fucking horror movie.”
“Eli, she’s strong. This mission might just be the opportunity we’ve been waiting for.”
I inched closer, curious to grasp the gravity of that mission they’re talking about.
“Are you fucking insane Niko? It’s not just a simple reconnaissance mission, it’s an event with the worst kind of families. They’re— fuck . I can’t be there watching them looking at her like she’s a fucking doll.”
“We’ll be there to protect her if something goes wrong,”
Elijah is being so cautious about me… I think I’ve really fucked up yesterday.
I’m not always like this and even if I was, I need to do that to feel better, I need to find them and make them suffer.
“They just fuck and drink all night long. I hate these kinds of events. I know we can handle them, but with her, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“True, but it’s a risk worth taking. No one would see her coming, she’s our greatest secret weapon right now, Eli.”
Breathe Z. Breathe.
“I want to be a part of it.”
Elijah shifted toward me, his gaze gentle and cold at the same time. But then, his eyes fell back onto my wrist covered by the sweatshirt I had. Nikolai, on the other hand, looked contemplative. I could see in his eyes that he was calculating the risks and benefits of my involvement for this mission.
“Are you sure you’re ready to meet that part of the underground world?”
I met Elijah’s gaze, hoping he would understand how much I needed this. It won’t be my first rodeo with these people.
“I met this part long ago. Don’t forget, this isn’t my first time with them. I was born into that world, studied it, worked in it and I’ve trained for this, Elijah, hell, you’re the one who trained me. Besides, if there’s a chance to gather intel and possibly recognize someone from that night, I can’t afford to miss it.”
Nikolai nodded and added, “She’s right, Eli. We need every advantage we can get. And we need a woman there too. She could play an employee for the event.”
Elijah sighed but agreed. “Fine, but I’ll be constantly near you, Nikolai is having a meeting there in the meantime. Understood?”
“Okay, I’ll listen to you,” I promised.
I can’t bear the thought that he saw me in my most vulnerable state but still took care of me. He’s the same man who hates me with all his being, but still wants me to heal.
Nikolai’s voice cut through my thoughts, “You’ll need to be dressed for the occasion. I’m going to take you there myself to choose what you’re going to wear.”
Why was he so cautious about him being the one to come with me to do shopping? Elijah didn’t understand either and shot him in an interrogative look.
“Eli, I’m coming back soon, you know what to do to prepare for this.”
Without waiting for an answer, he heads toward the elevator; and I follow.
Just before the doors close, I catch a glimpse of Elijah’s tense back. He quickly turns around, meets my gaze, and nods, his gaze warm yesterday, turned cold now.
“He’s not a bad guy. Circumstances molded him into this,”
“What does he have against me?”
He’s looking back at me, with a soft smile. “You know, it’s not my story, Little Z. All I can say is that he’s not just what he lets people see willingly.”
Of course, he’s not just that monster he lets people see. He held me until I fell asleep yesterday, so I know that something else is on his mind.
“Why do I have to buy an outfit?”
“Tomorrow, you’ll be a stripper or exotic dancer for that event, Zanae. You need an outfit. I know it’s not what you expected from this mission, but you said you were willing to do anything to achieve your goal, so I hope that’s the case.”
My stomach tightens. Exotic dancer? Me?
“Who says I know how to dance?”
The elevator doors open. He steps out, extending his hand towards me, and replies, “You know, I mean you no harm. You’re finding a place in my heart, and as a man, I can assure you that you don’t need to be a great dancer to be good for this mission. You’re stunning; you’ll need to use that. And if someone crosses the line, we’ll take care of it.”
I smile tenderly at what he says and follow him without a word. I trust Niko, I trust him a lot. He never used my weaknesses against me, never talked about it either.
I sneak into the passenger seat without a word, and as he starts the engine, music kicks in. “So, Zanae, I’ve heard rumors about your secret love affair with music,” he grins, wiggling his eyebrows.
I playfully gasp, feigning shock, “I thought I hid it so well...”
He laughs, a deep, genuine sound, “Well, the headphones every time I see you, are enough of a proof. Seems like you and music are like Elijah, Ben and I.”
“We are. It’s my partner in crime for everything.”
And it helps my mind to stay in a silent state.
But I’m not going to say that.
“Show me. I’m all ears.”
“Oh, you have no idea what you’re getting into, Niko.”
He bursts into laughter, and I can’t help but join in, “You know what, let’s see if my music taste can please you. Prepare to be amazed and put your belt on,” he says, turning up the volume.
The car ride becomes a musical battlefield, with Nikolai who was determined to prove the superiority of his playlist, which is good by the way, but not as good as mine obviously. Sometimes I forget that this man is a dangerous man, he’s so lovable, and just so kind.
We arrived in front of a garage door a few minutes after. “You told me about shops, not a garage? Are you going to murder me Niko? I thought Elijah was the only one wanting that.”
He opens my door and extends his arm, which I take without overthinking it. The contrast between him, well-dressed, and me, in a poor pair of jeans and hoodie is absurd. “Promise. I don’t want to take that will from my best friend, just wait and see, Little Z.”
The door opens, and Waw .
Several people are sorting clothes on large racks. The walls are white. Clothes are everywhere, and colors abound.
“ Mio Tesoro !!” shouts a woman running towards Nikolai.
“Julia. Let me introduce you to Zanae.”
The old lady approaches me smiling. “Those eyes and beautiful hair?” She gently grabs onto my hair, “In Italy, your hair could have caused a war.”
I chuckle gratefully and shake my head.
She’s beautiful. Old but elegant; petite, brunette, with the kind of eyes that made people fall in love with her. She looks so compassionate.
Nothing feels fake in the way she acts right now. I think it’s the first time I have seen a human that is so immaculate.
“Thank you, that’s very kind, I think?”
Niko quickly takes the floor. “We’d need a special outfit.”
“Special? What do you mean, special?” Julia asks, hand on her hip.
Nikolai briefs her on what he needs while I wander around, looking at the beautiful clothes.
Fabrics of all colors, dresses, costumes. I wonder what they’re for.
“Julia was an old friend of my mother. She handles a part of our trafficking operations in the Cosa Nostra, smuggling stolen luxury clothes and suits from europe. I needed someone trustworthy to get an outfit like this and avoid being seen,” Niko says, coming closer behind me.
Interesting. That’s actually satisfying knowing that this woman is at the head of it.
Something about Niko is that he never talks about his mother, or his family in general. It’s a mystery and I don’t think he wants to talk about it. So, I don’t push him.
“Do you think I’ll manage it, honestly Niko?”
“It’s simple. How much do you want to get answers to your questions, Zanae?”
If he knew how much I was willing to do to reach the day when I’d face him, the man who took everything from me. Whose face is only a memory.
The man who destroyed the little life I had left.
I was ready to go to hell.
I’d be willing to do anything for that. In fact, the only thing that makes me feel alive is this desire for vengeance, and his best friend too…
“To the point where I ally myself with my family’s enemies and give them the benefit of the doubt and a part of my trust,” I answer, smiling.
“There you have it; you have your answer, Little Z.”
“I hope so.”
Julia returns with an outfit in a bag, “I hope the size is right. I guessed by looking at you,” she says, a beautiful smile on her lips.
“Thank you, Julia.”
As we’re about to leave, she approaches me, smiling sadly and says, “You resemble her a lot. You’re as beautiful as your mom was; Take care, Mia Figlia .”
Before I can ask her what she meant, she leaves, and Niko pulls my arm to exit.
What was she talking about? My mother? She knew my mother. I never knew her. She left us at my birth and the night she abandoned us she had a car accident that killed her. Julia said “was”, so she’s dead. I always hoped that she would survive somehow and reconnect with her one day.
Every little girl needs a mother, and I haven’t got the chance to.
I had no photos of her. I didn’t know what she was like or if she was liked or not. I knew nothing about her. Julia seemed to know. And the way Nikolai quickly got me out of there before I could ask questions, seems suspicious.
“She knew my mother?” I ask, in a small voice, almost hesitant.
“Yes, she knew her. I didn’t know her, but I’ve heard of her.”
“Do you know anything about her?”
“Don’t ask questions about your past Zanae, sometimes being in denial is better than knowing, trust me,” he answers.
Okay. Weird.
Tonight, I was getting ready at home.
I returned to the penthouse and retrieved my car from there and went back to my father’s house. It’s a strange sensation to be away from Elijah.
It’s like a void only he can occupy.
The thing is with emptiness, you could still feel it fill you. And it’s fucking eating me, consuming me. The way Elijah’s presence may be the only thing that triggers part of me I couldn’t even feel alone was enough to make me question my sanity.
I fucking feel . It’s not just emptiness when I’m with him, it’s rage, attraction, hatred, frustration. But it is something . And I didn’t feel anything since I lost everything .
In my room I eagerly unzipped the clothing bag to see what was waiting for me. To my surprise, the outfit is jaw-dropping—long, sheer skirt, slits on the sides, and a top that’s more like black lace lingerie with a hint of corsetry. My wrist is better, so thankfully I’ll just put some foundation on the wound, and no one will see it.
No one ever saw them, no one fucking cared Zanae.
Not now. Focus Z.
I can’t wear this and leave like this. What if my father catches me in this? Even the guards might see me.
The outfit was way too revealing.
Me
I can’t just strut out in this. It’s like I’m naked, Niko.
Niko
Throw on a coat, button it up, and get ready. Be the wolf in sheep’s clothing without the sheep catching on to the danger Little Z.
I’ll be the bad wolf; I’ll be the harpy tonight. I’ll be their fucking punisher.