Nemesync (Soulfound #1)

Chapter 42 – Zanae

42

ZANAE

M y eyelids, heavy as anchors, refused to rise.

Was I in the hospital? The smell suggested so.

With a hesitant blink, I met Ben’s gaze. Was he checking my pulse? I couldn’t quite tell.

“Hey there. Open your eyes, Zee.”

I managed to finally open them completely, feeling exhausted, my body aching sensing the hole in my stomach.

The gunshot wound had left me drained, and for a moment, perishing to its grasp felt like a tempting option. I remembered little by little everything that happened in the past hours or the past days. I didn’t even know anymore.

“Niko is waiting outside. He’s been a bundle of nerves since you got here.”

Taking a moment to collect myself, the few words Lukas told me felt heavy on my chest.

I remembered everything—his scent, his breath tickling my skin, his voice— hell .

Niko entered the room, relief and hope etched on his face. He rushed to my side, gently taking my hand in his. “You scared the hell out of me, Princess.”

My eyes softened, and I squeezed Nikolai’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

“You have to stop putting yourself in these dangerous situations. There was so much blood. We thought that you— we thought that you were dead, Zanae.”

“I’m really sorry,” I replied.

I didn’t know what else to say.

I was sorry for this, and I was sorry for constantly causing them stress and worry because danger seemed to be glued to my damn life.

Niko nodded before planting a soft kiss on my hand. “It’s okay. You’re here now, you’re here.”

Am I? Am I really here? Because I don’t feel anything anymore.

Breathe, Zee, breathe.

Before I could respond, Brian entered the room, her eyes filled with the same relief I saw in Niko’s.

“Zanae, you’re awake!”

I chuckled weakly. “I’m not easy to get rid of, Brian.”

“Good. This world would be a boring place without you,” Nikolai added.

Where is Elijah?

He left you.

“You’ll have to be careful with your wound Zee. You’re tough, but you lost a lot of blood and need to rest,” Ben said.

Niko gave me a serious look. “You’ll rest. If Ben says it’s important, then you’re not even going to walk by yourself.”

I forced a smile, but my eyes remained empty.

Were they hearing them too, or was it just me? The voices—the ones that repeated every word Lukas had told me.

‘She wasn’t here because it was an accident, we knew you loved her, and it was just fair for her to suffer because of you.’

It’s my fault, she was here because of me, because I loved her.

My attention was drawn to the entrance, I wanted to see the only face I hadn’t seen yet. And after a few more minutes, my breath caught in my throat when Elijah entered the room. His gaze locked onto me, and the world narrowed down to just the two of us.

“ Milaya …” he said softly.

“ Hayati ,” I replied, naturally calling him my life , as if it had always been like this, tears welling in my eyes. Just by his presence, I felt the energy to let go of everything that was making my heart heavy.

With him, I could be broken, I could be myself.

Without a word, he pulled me between his arms, shielding me from all the dangers of the world. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing for the first time since I woke up.

“I thought I lost you, Zanae,” he whispered.

“You didn’t. I’m here.”

You love him too, is he going to die because of you?

I’m so sorry for making you feel like this, Elijah. I’m so sorry .

He can’t hear you; you’re going to get him killed.

He leaned back to look at me, his hands cupping my face as if ensuring I was real. “My Little Nightmare . I was going insane while your pretty eyes were closed,” he confessed.

Tears welled up in my eyes, overwhelmed by the raw sincerity in his voice. In that small room, I was worn and torn, but I was alive, and in that moment, that was enough.

Nikolai patted Ben on the back, silently expressing gratitude for saving me. Brian discreetly wiped away a tear, and Elijah, with a nod at Ben, whispered a silent but honest “thank you.”

His hand was stroking mine, bloodstains everywhere on his clothes, the acrid scent of smoke surrounding him.

“Elijah, you look like you’ve been through hell and back. Literally.” Niko remarked.

Elijah managed a half-smile, his eyes never leaving me.

“I was.”

Brian wore an expression of shock taking in the sight of Elijah’s appearance. “What did you do?” she asked.

“I did what needed to be done.”

Brian gulped as if understanding something, and Niko’s jaw tightened.

What happened?

“You’re a fighter, Zee,” Ben’s voice came through. He was smiling and checking my wound again.

“I didn’t drive you guys crazy enough,” I managed with a weak smile, my voice barely a whisper.

I hated lying to them.

How could I explain to the people who cared for me, who smiled because I was still alive, that I didn’t feel like it was a good thing I was still breathing?

In the eyes of the man I loved, I found forgiveness for thoughts he couldn’t even hear. I was weak, not just physically, but mentally too. All the guilt resurfaced facing my new family. I had a chance that was taken from my best friend just because of me.

I can’t with this pain.

I knew it.

I thought I may heal from this but every time I see light, a shadow comes back and hides it.

Nikolai took out his phone and dialed Miranda’s number. He handed the phone to me, and I mustered the strength to hold it to my ear.

“Zee, oh my god, are you okay?” Miranda’s sweet and soft voice traveled down the line.

“I’m alive, Miranda.”

I think.

“Thank the stars. Don’t you dare get shot again, or I’ll kill you myself. Hold on, June wants to talk to you.”

Little Juny’s voice, innocent and full of concern, reached my ears. “Zee, Mommy was crying a lot, but Uncle Niko said you’re okay now. I told her not to worry.”

I couldn’t help but smile, “Tell your mommy I’m okay, June. I love you, baby.”

“I will! Love you too, Zee!”

I handed the phone back to Nikolai, my heart warmed by the love of this little boy.

So much innocence and purity.

What would my life look like if I had grown up loved and protected like him? Would my soul dance in the sunlight, rather than drowning in darkness?

The ghost of that question haunted my heart, whispering that I was destined to be broken and shattered.

Elijah’s hand never left mine, I didn’t even complain because I needed to feel him , I needed him to save me from what was happening in my own mind.

But I didn’t want him to see it. I didn’t want him to see how ugly my soul was, how dark my mind was, how fucked up my whole existence was.

“I lost it when I saw you on the floor, Zanae,” he confessed, in a gentle murmur.

Vulnerability marked every line of his beautiful face.

I reached out and intertwined my fingers with his. “I’m sorry.”

He pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “I would’ve torn the world apart if I lost you.”

I felt like the worst human ever to put him through that. I loved him, I loved him to the point where I survived for him, but I was tired, so tired .

I wanted to die, I wanted to end it.

I knew it, I felt it.

I smiled weakly at the man who owned my heart forever. “I know you would, that’s why you’re my Elijah. You have my heart, my soul, everything’s yours. I wasn’t scared of death; I was scared of not being with you on the other side.”

Thinking about that possibility, I understood that my own spirit was his now. I was most thankful to have the chance to experience this kind of love in my life.

It felt unreal, consuming every part of my being, felt in every possible cell of my organism, in every unconscious thought.

But I knew I wasn’t meant to have it forever.

People like me, broken and shattered, don’t get that kind of luck. We don’t get happy endings because our beginnings were anything but. We don’t get to marry the ones we love or have children of our own. People like me never truly heal because healing requires life , and life was never on my side.

People like me are fucking damned. And it hurts to finally accept it.

What went down tonight drained me.

Despair poisoned every drop of blood inside me.

A hollow echo of sorrows and lost dreams trapped me inside my own head. I relived my rape, the death of my best friend, and the disappointment I was to my own mother, whom I never knew existed.

But he was always here with me.

He loved me.

I was dirty, miserable, insane .

And he didn’t want to leave me.

Everyone left me , but he stayed .

Even when I felt like drowning, he would breathe life back into my lungs with just a kiss.

It’s that feeling when your heart races with anxiety and stress, and it only settles when you take a deep breath.

Elijah was my deep breath.

He leaned closer to me. “I already told you, even death couldn’t keep you away from me, Milaya . I mean it.”

It’s true, even death couldn’t keep us apart.

He exists in every part of my subconscious, in the very essence of my mind, in the depths of my morality.

Brian, Nikolai, and Ben exited, leaving us alone in this room.

Elijah remained seated by my bedside. I looked up at him, feeling sadness—for being so weak when I had someone like him to live for. A man who regarded my existence with a devotion so profound, it’s as if my lifeblood coursed through his veins, as if I beat in his own heart. But I was venomous, and I didn’t want to be his illness.

“Why do you always save me?” I asked.

“Because that’s my job,” he replied honestly.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t let you go, Zanae.”

My gaze locked with his, and I was bewildered by how and why someone could love me when I couldn’t even love myself. “How?”

He cupped my face between his hands and smiled softly. “Zanae, now that I’ve tasted life with you, how can I not love you?”

His gaze met mine, and in that moment, words felt unnecessary.

My hand reached out, finding his. I gently squeezed his hand on my cheek. “Thank you.”

He leaned in, his forehead pressing against mine. “You’re here. That’s all that matters.” He pressed a tender kiss to my lips, “Don’t you dare leave me.”

My heart filled with more guilt.

I wanted to fight for him. I didn’t want to leave him, but I didn’t control everything.

Elijah didn’t laugh, nor smile, he was completely serious. “I felt it, Zanae. When you were unconscious—it chilled me to the fucking bone.”

I softly looked at him and pointed it at his heart. “I’ll always be there, no matter what.”

He nodded and kissed my hand slowly as if he found both agony and redemption at each brush of his lips on my skin. “It’s not enough, I need to feel you. You don’t understand the length of my commitment to you, Zanae. When I thought I was losing you, my heart went entirely cold. But the moment I saw your eyes open again, it felt warmer and less painful. You have all the control over my soul, Zanae. You’re the essence of it.”

“Kiss me,” I whispered.

He didn’t wait; he leaned in and kissed me.

His lips were my own life anchor in this world, but when we broke apart, I spoke the words I had never felt the need to express before. “I love you, Elijah. I don’t know how to love myself, but loving you is so much easier.” I took a deep breath and continued, “You’re as vital as my own breath. You’re in every aspect of my existence, in every reflection, dream and nightmare. My heart is yours, and I want you to understand the depth of what I feel. It’s not a one-way thing; I’m with you in this, I’ll always be, no matter what.”

No matter what…

He looked deep into my eyes, searching for any hint of uncertainty, but there was none. In fact, it was the only certain thing in my mind.

I begged a long time ago for salvation, for an end, some help. But it never came from the God I implored and pleaded to.

But Elijah Volkov gave it to me—peace, life . As long as I was his, he would always give it to me.

The Devil showed me heaven when I sought mercy. He granted it upon me in a rain of kisses, touches, painful pleasure, and love. I searched for flames to purify me, and he offered them to keep me warm when my mind was too cold.

My fallen Angel loved every dark part of my psyche.

Even when I couldn’t do the same.

He took my hand and placed it on his heart, then he whispered, “You deserve so many beautiful things, Zanae.”

“How... how are you still so sure about that?” I asked genuinely, and it felt just like I was questioning it for my own sake.

“Because you are the most beautiful human inside and out I’ve ever met.” His lips brushed against the contours of my neck, gently, lovingly . “My soul found you the day yours came to life. It fell in love with yours before I even had the chance,” he whispered. Then, pressing his lips tenderly against mine, he added, “We were meant to be together, Zanae. In every lifetime, it’s always going to be you and me.”

“You and I, always,” I breathed.

Him and me. In every lifetime. Always.

I’ve never felt weaker than when grappling with my own soul.

Elijah stuck by my side, never leaving, even when I couldn’t find words for two whole fucking days. Lost in my own head, I felt this emptiness that only lifted when I was with him.

But it’s not enough.

Nothing is fucking enough.

Sleep won’t come; each time I close my eyes, there’s Luna, bloody and pale, crying in some bathroom.

I caused all of this.

How could I be so fucking blind, wanting to avenge her while completely neglecting the fact that I could’ve done it myself?

On the third day, Elijah finally carried me home.

He refused to let me walk, and I had no desire to. I loved being wrapped in his arms. The demons tried to scream, the voice of Lukas tried to suffocate me, but then he’d just kiss them away.

“Elijah, she’s not made of glass, Jesus. Let her breathe a bit,” Niko remarked, shaking his head in disbelief.

But he didn’t care.

“She breathes better when I’m around.”

“You’re absolutely insane, Eli.”

I smiled against his chest loving every second of this. “I do breathe better when he’s around.”

“You’re just a spoiled brat, and you love that, Little Z.”

Elijah shot him a cold glance and added, “And I love spoiling her, so shut your mouth, Niko. Come with me, we’re getting food.”

He leaned in and kissed me gently after laying me down on the bed, then turned toward Brian and threatened her. “Take care of her.”

They went outside, leaving us alone here.

Deep in thought, I reflected on the face of the woman who kissed my forehead after shooting me.

“She’s insane, Zanae,” Brian said. “We’ll get to the bottom of this. No one messes with my new friend like that.”

I smiled at her, “My mother shot me, I never thought I’d say that out loud.”

Brian took my hand and squeezed it, her pink hair brushing against my arm. Her big eyes looked at me with a lot of compassion. “Hey, look at me. I promise you’ll get the justice you deserve.”

I nodded, but in my head the same questions circled. They took her to hurt me, they took her because of me.

Knowing that the greatest misery I ever felt was inflicted by my own mother feels surrealist.

It is my fault, isn’t it?

It’s always been mine, always .

Elijah

We were waiting for our food outside the car, behind us were our guards. Lévi retrieved files and laptops from Lukas’s house before burning it completely. My head was full of Zanae’s pretty amber eyes. I knew something was off with her.

She no longer looked at the stars with the same love and hope, nor read books with that smile that once made fiction feel so alive. She didn’t talk as much as before; she might be weak because of her injury, but I felt like my own soul sensed that she was losing her light.

“That was too close, Elijah.”

“She shouldn’t have been in that position in the first place.”

Niko reached for his face, running his hand through his beard. “She’s strong, you know. Tougher than most of our own men.”

It’s true, she is. “Doesn’t mean she should have to fucking prove it like that.”

Our food arrived, and Nikolai continued, “She’s lucky to have you, you know.”

I looked away, stating firmly, “I’m the lucky one.”

A smile appeared on his lips. “You love her.”

My gaze met his. “I do. And I can’t let these bastards and her mother play with her life like that.”

His hand found its way to my shoulder and squeezed it. “We got those folders and data from Lukas’s office. Might hold some answers.”

The sky was the only thing I saw that reminded me of her tonight.

“Her mother, she’s going to fucking suffer for that.”

“I know you will make her suffer enough for an entire lifetime in hell.”

I opened the car with our bags of food, and Nikolai commented, “You looked like a monster back there, you know? I’ve never seen you that worried.”

“She shouldn’t have had to go through that. I should’ve been faster.”

He closed the door, putting his seatbelt on. “You saved her, Elijah, it’s not your fault. Stop this bullshit.”

I didn’t save her; I failed a long time ago, letting them take her and do what they did. I can’t stop thinking about what she had to go through those nights and in her life, about what Lukas told me. Fuck.

The car began its journey, passing through the city lights, Zanae’s playlist playing. Niko saw the song, understanding that it was hers and admitted, “I told you she’ll get under your skin; I could fucking see your souls tied up together before you even admitted it to yourself.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “These stupid songs. She loves them so much.”

Leaning in deeply on his seat, he said, “Oh, she loves you so much too, don’t worry.”

“Stop this.”

“Grumpy and overprotective, just how she likes you.”

With a voice low and filled with remorse, I replied, “She shouldn’t have to like anything. She should’ve been fucking safe.”

Niko laughed as if trying to reassure me that I hadn’t messed up by letting her get shot that night. “I’d say she’s in good hands, bloody hands but strong ones.”

I couldn’t shake this feeling; I know her, and I know when she’s hurt.

The thing is, she isn’t showing it, and I’m scared of what happened between her and Lukas during their confrontation. I think it made things resurface in her mind, things that I can’t even imagine. And Zanae is her own worst enemy.

“Something is going on in her mind Niko, she’s not the same.”

“I feel it too.”

Zanae

I didn’t have the need to eat for the past few days, even when I tried to eat, everything was tasteless. But I had to try in front of them again, even if I knew I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I did before.

Niko arranged the food and gave me a smile before affectionately pinching my cheek. “Brian helped me with this. She has to leave now.”

“Yeah, I’ve got myself an overprotective crazy man now. He’s waiting for me to get back home.”

I let out a small laugh.

When I’m with them, the demons hide.

They are scared of the light they bring out in me, but I can’t always be with them, and the light isn’t with me every time.

Sometimes, I fear that it’s going to affect them — that they’ll scream in their heads too, or maybe they’ll convince themselves that I’m more dangerous to them than anything else. And I’m terrified of that. I don’t want them to hate me. I already hate myself enough.

“Well, you better get back to your man before he sends out a search party.”

Brian hugged me then left.

Sitting around the table, their eyes kept drifting to me while I devoured the food like it might disappear any moment from my plate.

The faster I ate it, the faster I would stop forcing myself and avoid throwing up.

Elijah watched me eat, his beautiful green eyes holding an authoritative gaze on me. “Slow down, Zanae. You’re not in a race. You’re going to choke on your food.”

With my mouth full, I replied, “I’m good, no need to worry.”

Nikolai chuckled, exchanging a glance with Elijah.

Their worry might be excessive, but it’s nothing new. I know they show their love with that kind of demeanor.

“It’s good to see you like this, Z. You had us all scared back there.”

How can I stop trying when he says things like that? I can’t keep lying to them, pretending everything is okay. But I love seeing them this relaxed; I don’t want to bring them more danger than they already face every day.

You’re weak. So, fucking weak.

You want to die. You want to die. You want to die.

I tried to eat faster to close my eyes and stop hearing them inside my head.

I hate them, I hate them, I fucking hate them.

“Do you need anything?”

I managed a smile at the two of them. “I need to eat without an audience.”

“And I need you to promise me something. No more putting yourself in harm’s way like that.”

I can’t promise something I can’t fulfill, Niko.

You’re so weak. They’ll hate you. You’re going to bring them destruction and chaos, just like you did with everyone before.

Please stop.

I feel like I can’t breathe, like I could die if I tried to stop them screaming.

I was struggling to drown them out.

“You sound like Elijah,” I finally let out.

Elijah added, his voice deep, “Because we both care about you, Milaya . A lot.”

I just nodded, but inside, I was crumbling.

I was lying to them. I was even lying to myself.

I didn’t want to scare them with my thoughts.

It’s just too fucking much.

Everything overwhelmed me. I was so tired of thinking.

My head was full, and it was exhaustingly painful .

I met Elijah’s gaze. He tilted his head like he was trying to see through me, but I just gave him a small smile, and whispered to him ‘I love you’ in silence, and he leaned in to kiss my neck — a small kiss. Then, he whispered back in my ear, loud enough to be heard even by Niko, “ Ya lyublyu tebya nasmert’, moya lyubov .”

I didn’t even know what it meant, but I know I’d love to hear it again.

After the conversation shifted to plans and strategies for the Zennites, I stepped outside onto the balcony and sat down. The weight of everything happening in my head began to crush my chest.

I breathed softly, barely able to feel the air.

From the balcony, Elijah and Niko’s conversation inside the house seemed distant, with only a small voice growing louder and louder in my mind.

The memories made it harder to breathe.

He kept me holed up in his office for two days.

There was this dirty mirror, and he’d make me watch him with that sick smile plastered on his face, while his hand kept me from screaming, even though I wasn’t screaming anymore, even though I wasn’t crying anymore either. But he just left his hand there, like some twisted reminder that he had control over everything, even my voice. And he raped me over and over again.

While Luna was going through hell on the other side of that wall.

She was getting tortured, humiliated... and I couldn’t do a thing.

Two days.

Two goddamn days, but it felt like my whole life had just ended. I was a mess, covered in blood from where he’d punch me every time I tried to fight back.

I was filthy, inside and out.

And when they finally came on that day, those other men, they saved us.

Those strangers. Masked. I couldn’t even focus on their eyes because I wasn’t even in this world anymore. I was somewhere up there in the stars, lost in the sky.

With them, at least, I felt safe. Away from men.

It was Elijah and Nikolai. They saved us. They saved me . And it felt like destiny wanted to remind me that I didn’t even recognize them because Lukas killed me that night.

My hands trembled, my heart raced so fast that I felt my rib cage rise with each pulse, and a cold sweat beaded on my forehead. Everything seemed to close in on me, suffocating me—the walls, the city, the buildings.

My heart pounded erratically, the air was forcefully stolen from my lungs, painfully and slowly. Agonizingly . My limbs were trembling, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I felt totally alone, imprisoned in my own mind, unable to escape while the world continued to spin around me, faster, with that formless ghost torturously gripping my throat, suffocating me with abuse and nightmares.

I tried to speak, to ask for help, but nothing came out.

I wanted to scream for Elijah to come. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t scream again. I couldn’t breathe. Fuck ! It hurts so much.

In my soul, in my head, in my heart. Everything hurts.

My voice was stuck in my throat, smothered by an invisible hand—Lukas’s hand. Panic surged through my veins like venom, lethal and harmful, and I reflexively looked up at the sky, begging the sky to save me.

Finally, the exhale came.

Zoning out, I began to play with the scars on my wrist, caressing the cuts and imagining a world where I didn’t have them.

My gaze fixed on the sky, the stars staring back at me. I hoped they were always watching over me.

Sometimes my mind needs them.

I cannot lie to the sky.

The sky feels honest, every lie turns into stardust in the night, and the light discerns the truth behind it. The stars witness everything and know it all.

Of course, they feel the void when their most devoted admirer drifts away.

I no longer looked at them with hopeful eyes; now, my gaze was just full of sorrow, emptiness, and guilt .

So much of it.

I wondered if it’s my last experience with them. If it was the final time, I would appreciate this masterpiece.

But I try to reassure myself. Stars never die, and if they watch me as I watch them, I, too, will never disappear somehow.

At the end of the day, maybe the voices are right.

Maybe I do want to die.

I felt strong arms wrapping around my waist, and I just fell into them.

What life could be like if the stars stopped bringing light, if they were just too tired—what would happen? I was deceiving them, but more painfully, I was deceiving myself .

A kiss on my neck brought me back to earth. “If only I could take that hurt in your eyes away and give it back to you as love, I would do it,” Elijah murmured.

“You already give me so much love,” I replied softly.

“It will never be enough for what you truly deserve,” he whispered back.

Before departing, Niko came over to us. “Little Z, let’s avoid any more heart attacks, alright?” he said, enveloping me in a warm hug, eliciting a chuckle from me. But my injuries reminded me of their presence, and a soft whimper slipped past my lips.

“Easy, Niko. My ribs are still healing.”

He released me, then turned to Elijah with a serious expression. “And if she tries anything crazy again, I’ll have to kill her myself after you kill her first.”

Elijah nodded and took me back into his arms.

We were alone, his fingers tracing long lines on my arm as we both gazed at the sky. After what felt like an eternity, his eyes met mine, and I found myself lost in his captivating features.

He was breathtakingly beautiful. His eyes held a world I was dying to live in forever. Where my reflection wasn’t ugly.

His lips were full and perfectly complemented his features, and I wanted to kiss the outline of every line on his face.

His hand gently lifted my chin, bringing my gaze back to him, and he pressed a tender kiss to my temple before speaking in that voice that grounded me in reality, “Talk to me, Milaya .”

“I’m exhausted,” I admitted.

“Enough to let go?”

A deep breath filled my lungs with hopeless air, “I don’t know…”

His hands found the back of my neck, forcing me to meet his gaze, contemplative, sad, drowning in that worry I hated to see. “Don’t you dare say that, Zanae.”

I tried to find words, but nothing is fitting, “I can’t promise anything... I’m trying... But I-I can’t. I don’t know how to stop it, I promise I’m trying so hard, it’s hurting me.”

He gently wiped away my tears and showered me with kisses, begging me to listen, pleading for me to feel his love as if it could solve everything.

“Then use me, bruise me, hurt me, learn with me. I can be whatever you want, whatever you need. But don’t stop trying.” A pause followed. A breath. A passing blink, and an endless sight. Him and I. Nothing else. “Please try,” he whispered, pressing his lips to mine, “For me.”

“Elijah I’m so tired, breathing hurts, existing hurts,” I confessed, hopeless.

He tightened his grip on me, his voice soft but certain as he reassured me, “You’ve got me now, Zanae. I’ll make sure you never feel this tired again.”

I looked up at him, searching for sincerity, and he met my gaze with a promise etched in his features, like he knew I was waiting for an answer in those eyes.

“What if I fail?” I choked out.

He pulled me closer, running his fingers through my hair. “I’ll never let you fail. Just try, baby.”

“Okay,” I whispered between sobs.

“Okay?”

“Yes.” No.

He placed another kiss on my forehead, murmuring, “My obsession, I’ll protect you, even from yourself. And I’ll love you more than any human could ever.”

“Don’t. I don’t want you to be disappointed,” I whispered.

“Never, I’d rather love you too much than not enough.”

Would you still love me if I shut down completely, Elijah? Would you still take the risk to hold a broken thing and hurt yourself in the process?

He wouldn’t because you’re chaos, you’re the darkness he needs to escape, you’re fucking destruction and pain.

I chose not to reply, simply leaving a kiss on his neck and nestling back into his arms, my head resting on his chest, my thoughts clouding the little space I had left.

Silence —And here I am overthinking again.

How does he love me so much?

It’s consuming, overwhelming. And I’m grateful, eternally so, but I can’t understand why. How can one love someone useless?

Someone broken beyond repair.

I just can’t shake this idea from my mind—I’m causing things I never asked for, and it’s just too much to handle. I feel empty and only truly at peace in Elijah’s arms, but I can’t continue like this.

I can’t bear the thought that I killed the only human I loved. What if I kill them too? I already proved to be a danger to my only friend, and she’s now dead.

Elijah carefully ascended the stairs, holding me in his arms like a cherished prize.

And I let him. Because for the first time in my life. A man was taking care of me. A man didn’t abuse me.

In the bedroom, he gently laid me down on the bed, his gaze searching mine as if trying to decipher the source of my pain.

But this pain was beyond his control, or mine.

This pain was a desperate ache carved in every part of my being.

Slowly, he lifted my shirt, placing a soft kiss on my abdomen. “You’re stronger than you think. This,” he gestured to my wound, “doesn’t define you. You’re so much more than flesh and blood, Zanae.”

“Thank you,” I exhaled.

“Promise me you’ll stay safe and stop scaring the hell out of me.”

Instead of replying, I kissed him, not wanting to delve into the conversation right now. I just needed to feel his love and his presence.

I needed it to survive.

Lying in bed, my thoughts refused to leave me. He sensed that I was in a place I didn’t like. He turned toward me, his deep gaze meeting mine. A corner of his lips curled into a sad smile, and he reached out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

“Don’t go there.”

“Where?”

He kissed the outline of my jaw before answering, “Your head, not when I’m here.”

“I love you.”

He placed a gentle kiss under my eye. “I love you more. Close your eyes, moya lyubov’. You need some rest.”

I complied, his arm enveloping me, his hand still resting on my heart. “Thank you again,” I murmured, closing my eyes and losing myself in exhaustion.

“Don’t thank me,” he insisted. “Just sleep, Milaya .”

And I did. Closed my eyes, and succumbed to exhaustion. Finally .

I can’t breathe.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t breathe.

“You killed me, Zanae. You killed me and never witnessed my death.”

“No! I’m sorry! I should’ve died too. I should’ve followed you!”

That haunting voice repeated the same thing without ever stopping, “Die now! IT’S YOUR FAULT! IT’S YOUR FAULT!”

Oh my god, Luna is bleeding so much.

“Luna… your face… you’re bleeding!”

I tried to touch her, but she screamed louder. “IT’S YOUR FAULT!”

No! Stop it’s so loud….

She never stopped.

“IT’S MY FAULT!!!”

My scream woke me up from my own nightmare.

The last image I had before this was Luna’s bloodied face repeating, ‘ It’s your fault, it’s your fault, it’s your fault .’

I felt Lukas’s hand on my neck, strangling me, repeating how he loved touching me, being inside me, how he loved seeing Alonzo do the same.

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t open my eyes, and I couldn’t scream because his hand was wrapped around my mouth. Luna was crying, her wrists open, and she was still saying the same thing, ‘ It’s your fault. ’

I felt like dying, and it was only in my head.

Elijah held me firmly, gently stroking my hair, saying, “Breathe, Zanae, I’m here now, I’m here.”

My lungs were empty. I was between two words, unable to breathe. I searched for the air I needed between a long blurry corridor, with bloody walls, and so loud, and another one, empty, but silent.

A hand positioned itself on my heart, caressing my skin, up and down, up and down.

Slowly, in a regular rhythm. And I focused on those movements. Soft lips tenderly crashed onto mine.

My body recognized him, filling my lungs with life and oxygen once again.

“Breathe my air, breathe me in, baby,” he whispered as I finally exhaled that breath I was holding.

I cried and cried and cried between his arms, pushing him away, just shaking my head.

“It’s my fault, it’s my fault.”

I couldn’t stop screaming and crying.

But he just cradled me in his arms, my head on his chest, murmuring, “ Milaya , it’ll be okay, I’m here, holding you, nothing will happen to you.”

I nestled into his chest and closed my eyes. And I did let him hold me, until I fell asleep from the crying, hearing his soft words that he never stopped whispering, feeling his kisses he never stopped planting everywhere he could.

I managed to fall back asleep, but the face of my best friend was etched in my mind, even with my eyes closed.

With the city glow coming from under the door, I woke up to find myself nestled in Elijah’s protective arms.

His eyes were open and fixed on me.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his fingers brushing lightly against my cheek.

I managed a small smile; the last one I had left.

I wasn’t alone anymore; they were all in my head.

It was too late now; they were out.

“Better,” I lied, closing my eyes, the image of Luna’s face still haunting me. “With you here, I feel better.”

His response was a tender kiss on my forehead.

I felt like I had lost everything—my sanity, all my energy.

It took the image of my dead best friend telling me it was my fault, and I couldn’t find the will to survive again.

It was my fault. She was right.

I had finally given up.