Chapter 44 – Zanae
44
ZANAE
W hat do I have left now? Nothing.
There was no way out from my own self.
I make my way to the bathroom, confronting my reflection in the mirror. The emptiness in my eyes is tragic, and the realization hits me so hard; I can’t keep doing this.
I’m a danger to anyone who gets too close, and though I don’t understand why, I know that my absence could bring them more peace than my love could ever.
My soul bleeds, but I am so numb that no blood comes out. This despair, hopelessness, and silence drowned me before I could even understand them.
I can’t help but think of those people I love. Niko, the man who appeared out of nowhere and became a constant in my life—a friend, a brother.
Miranda, my only friend since Luna’s death, a woman I’ll always be proud of, an example of strength, and the woman I love. My baby June, a little boy who made me see the beauty of life through the eyes of a child.
Ben, my lovely human who always saved me and loved me like a friend before even knowing me fully.
Even Brian, who cares about me more than my own flesh.
And then, there’s Elijah, the most impactful of all. The man who showed me how enjoyable life can be, how love can bring joy and happiness.
Who would have thought that the devil himself would make life more bearable, when God abandoned me to my own suffering and endless remorse all my life?
He painted my brokenness like a beautiful masterpiece—enough to be loved by him, but never enough to redeem all these years of constant abuse.
He made me realize my worth and the beauty of finding a soulmate. And if I had to describe love to someone. I would use his name.
He owns my soul, and even in death, I’ll always live in his heart, waiting for him, even in hell, to touch the love of my life once more.
But it’s too late.
I can almost imagine myself in a graveyard, facing my own headstone. Maybe they’ll place dahlias and lilies for the first few years, then eventually stop and forget I ever existed.
I take a deep breath and lean against the sink. “ You’re too broken to heal, Zanae ,” I whisper to my reflection.
I needed to find this out alone.
I can’t do it anymore, I can’t.
I’m tired, exhausted, dying .
I can’t live my life surviving.
Do I really want to die?
‘ You’re already dead Zanae. ’ The voice replies, cold and certain.
I fell apart, long ago, trying to be happy, to find it with them, and I touched it, I saw that happiness but then the voices told me I didn’t deserve it.
And I finally believe them.
I put on my favorite shirt, still carrying the scent of Elijah, and text him,
Me
Thank you for showing me how life can be beautiful, even when you’re broken. I love you with all my soul and spirit, Elijah Volkov.
Turning on the tap, the frigid water starts to fill the bathtub. My feet touch the coldness first, then my whole body is quickly submerged under it.
I’m freezing, but it’s calming.
I can’t feel anything. My body is numb, and my head is so full that it feels almost empty.
A razor blade sits beside me, silently waiting and even judging me for being weak.
But the chaos is deafening, and the emptiness is suffocating.
I’m too tired. Too broken. Too dead .
“What did you do, Luna, when you were in the same position? Should I pray for some kind of miracle?”
You should.
I think it’s better this way for my Elijah.
And it’s better for me. Because the pain, the guilt, it’s too much. It’s too real. The whispers in my head never stopped reminding me of all the things I’ve done wrong, all the people I’ve hurt.
I can’t anymore. I need relief, I need to end this.
It was never about wanting to die; and always about needing the pain to stop.
A desperate deafening cry reverberates within me, a tormented plea to find silence and peace again, a cry so loud, but only in my head, only in this hell.
I can’t let it out, I try to, but I can’t.
My demons must be happy now; they’ve finally won.
I think of Lukas, how he tore my heart apart that night, leaving it throbbing with pain.
Luna showed me how a shattered heart can shatter further.
Everything came rushing back.
My father’s attempt on my life, my mother’s disdain.
In the blink of an eye, I lost everything—body, soul, and soon after, my heart.
I think about that green forest, the one that intrigued me and showed me pieces of myself I didn’t even know existed still.
I just wanted to live and breathe without feeling drained and breathless. I wanted to survive, but the energy to keep going slept away.
With trembling hands, I pick up the blade, tracing it slowly and painfully along the existing scars—two incisions.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
The blood tinges the water red, I smile, remembering that red is Elijah’s favorite color.
“Red suits you better.”
For the first time, hopelessness felt hopeful because I was wishing that beautiful things would find my new family.
I hope the stars will find someone else to gaze upon them and love them as I did. I hope Niko will find love just as I did. I hope Elijah can forgive me for this because tonight, I’m ending it all, but my soul belongs to him, forever and beyond. I hope Miranda and June find someone who makes them feel valued. I hope Brian finds her peace, and Ben finds solace.
My energy drains away, and simultaneously, I feel the demons going away.
Finally...
My heart becomes lighter, filled only with immeasurable love for the man who, unfortunately, isn’t present and who will likely detest me for this.
“Will you forgive me for choosing the easy way out, Elijah, when you’ve done everything to help me survive?” I ask to the emptiness around me.
I wonder if letting the bullet take me that day would have been easier; I wouldn’t have this knot in my stomach at the thought of missing the most beautiful thing I have ever felt.
I want to cry, but I can’t anymore. I have no more excuses to cling to, maybe in another life.
Maybe he’ll forgive me then, and it will help him rediscover how much he deserves to be happy and loved.
“God, you failed me, you failed Luna, but please don’t fail him,” I beg, one last time, pouring my whole soul in that prayer.
The water around me has turned red, and I’m drowning in it, no longer feeling the chill seeping into my bones.
I’m numb to everything — sensation, emotion, life .
I don’t feel cold anymore; I don’t feel anymore.
The green isn’t as vibrant as it was, the night-sky isn’t as bright as it felt, and the forest has turned entirely black.
My eyelids grow heavy, and Elijah’s voice reaches me through the door, calling my name, pleading with Nikolai to search the floors.
The bathroom door opens, but I lack the energy to open my eyes. I’m cold, and it’s dark.
I sense that I’m no longer in the water and feel the man I love holding me without even seeing him. I don’t see light, but for the first time in years, I don’t hear any voices.
All I hear is silence.
The last thing that reaches me is a final whisper, a gentle caress for my mind, “You won’t die in my arms, Milaya .”
Elijah
I hope it’s not what I think.
Maybe she’s just feeling down because of what happened. I wish I could walk in and find her sitting beautifully on the sofa, and with a kiss, reassure her. But deep down, I know it won’t be that easy. I sensed it the moment I looked into her eyes this morning.
I knew something was amiss.
I abandoned her, left her alone when she needed me most. I didn’t have to attend that damn meeting.
Fuck them all, fuck everything.
She’s the only one that matters.
When we arrive at the penthouse, it’s just silent. I screamed her name, but no one answered.
I asked Niko to look upstairs, but I heard the water still running in the bathroom. I ran there and opened the door.
I wanted to tell her that I love her forever and that she’s the most incredible thing that the earth has witnessed. But then, forever felt like a second .
10 .
Red. My Little Nightmare .
She was in the bathtub, arms hanging from it, her head falling back, the water was red, and she was smiling …
I collapsed to my knees, desperately searching for a pulse, any sign that her heart was still beating.
“No, no, no... What have you done, Milaya ?” I whispered, tears welling in my eyes, my heart shattering at the sight before me.
I lifted her dripping body from the bathtub, my hands trembling with fear. I was terrified that she felt the need to end it, terrified that she may never find healing. “You won’t die in my arms, Milaya ! Do you hear me? You’ll live!”
I screamed to Nikolai. I never thought a cry for salvation could be this desperate. “Niko, open the fucking elevator! SHE’S DYING!” My voice cracked from desperation and panic.
Nikolai, his face drained of color, couldn’t even respond. He simply summoned the elevator, the doors sliding open silently, and we entered it. I cradled Zanae’s fragile form, her pale skin a stark contrast to the crimson stains that marked her wrists.
This wouldn’t be the end. Not again. Not when I just had her back. I would die a thousand times before she could leave me.
“How can you do that to me, baby?” I whispered; my voice almost inaudible. I was so hurt. I wanted to follow her. “Why do you want to kill the only drop of life that is left of me?”
My love didn’t love me enough to survive.
Anger and sadness coursed through my veins, but the only remedy to this sick torture was hearing her breathe again.
My eyes traced the contours of her face as I carried her out of the car. “You’re so beautiful. Please shine again, my beautiful star.”
I begged for anything or anyone up there.
She deserves to live. She deserves to be happy, to laugh, to have a family, to get married and have kids of her own.
My Zanae deserves a second chance.
She deserves it.
We deserve this, to live together, grow old together.
I don’t recall the journey from the penthouse to the hospital. I only know that I kissed her lips probably a million times and told her that I loved her.
“Stay with me, baby.”
1-2-3.
No air.
4-5-6.
No color.
7-8-9.
No warmth.
10 .
No life .
No…no…no. She can’t leave.
I kissed her, everywhere, her nose, her eyes, her cheeks, her lips every inch of her, as if to breathe life back into her.
I buried my head in her neck. “Don’t do that to me Zanae, I won’t survive it.”
We rushed through the hospital doors, nurses and doctors, alerted by my screams for help, came to us.
“SAVE HER! She can’t die!” I pleaded.
She can’t leave.
She fucking can’t
In the emergency room, they worked relentlessly to stabilize her. I stood there, my head between my hands, on the edge of despair, each passing second feeling like an eternity. Helpless , I couldn’t do a fucking thing, I just observed them tending to her injuries, hands bloodied, tears ready to fall, my heart pounding in rhythm with the monitors.
If her heartbeat stopped, mine would follow instantly.
The cold reality of the situation faced me, she fucking wanted to go, it’s not just sadness, she wanted to end everything.
She believed herself undeserving of life.
This time things would be different. I would be here; I would fight her demons so fiercely that they would be scared to come back. I will bring her light in her life even if I’m full of darkness.
No voices, no demons will survive.
She exists, and I am destined to be her protector.
I savor a taste of life on this earth thanks to her mere existence. Even nirvana pales in comparison, if it means waking up each day to look into someone’s eyes and find a reflection of your own damn soul. She battles hell every day in her mind and still manages to bring me paradise.
But my love was exhausted, she had enough of this, and I can’t take it.
I know the darkness within myself, to realize that the only heaven I am destined to know is the one she generously offers every day.
“I love you enough for you to learn to love yourself in the meantime, Milaya .” I whispered promises to her unconscious body, as if she could hear me, “Return to me, don’t you dare leave me.”
Why would she want to go, isn’t she happy with me? Am I not enough for her?
I look at her face, searching for answers.
She looks so pretty, I wish I could see her pretty eyes open too, to witness her beautiful smile once more.
I wish she could see how worthy of life she is, how much I ache for her happiness.
I could watch her forever. I will never let her go.
Niko looks at me, his eyes red with pain and sorrow, and then at Zanae, lying on that white bed, resembling an angel, my angel.
His lips tighten, and he says to me, “She won’t leave today, Elijah, but she’s not feeling well.”
I stare at him, but my gaze feels disconnected from reality.
I’ve never felt so hollow and empty in my life, not when I lost my father, nor my mother, not even when she was shot.
To think that these bastards slowly killed her, draining the life from her to the point where she wanted to end her life...
I’ll make them live hell on earth, and for her, I’ll make her experience paradise to the extent that she never wants to leave this world again. I make it my primary mission, to make that beautiful face smile every day she opens her beautiful eyes.
Come back to me, Milaya, don’t drown in your own fucking misery. I will save you; I promise you.
I always thought that the worst pain I could ever feel was losing someone and not having the chance to live my life with them.
But this is different.
I’m hurt because I know what life is like with her, and I will never be ready to say goodbye to that.
“ è troppo forte per lasciarla andare, ” Niko states, his voice laced with hope and admiration.
“ Lei è l’amore della mia vita, la mia anima, Niko .”
She’s not just the love of my life; she’s my damn soul.
Niko offers a bittersweet smile. “Zanae would’ve been so angry at this scene—us speaking Italian without her understanding it,” he murmurs before enveloping me in a hug. “She’s going to come back stronger, don’t worry, we’re going to teach her that she can fight this darkness, like we did.”
Holding onto her hand, it’s cold but so soft, it’s the only thing preserving my sanity. The rhythmic beeping of the monitors seemed to stabilize, and my heart hoped desperately for her to wake up.
“Why would you leave me, baby?” I whispered, kissing her hand, until I couldn’t feel my lips anymore.
I needed her to choose me, to choose us, for the first time in my life, to win against death because she loved me enough.
I needed her to love me more than peace.
“Please don’t turn your back on me, You’re all I have left,” I breathed, a tear fell down her eyelid as I kissed her forehead, begging her to survive.
Fuck, I was crying, dying even.
10 .
Open your eyes; my Little Nightmare . Open your eyes.
Blood. Death. Lifeless body.
Nikolai ran to find Ben and help me get rid of everything.
What do I have to do?
I’m so tired.
My father is lying in a pool of blood. But I don’t care, I just want to hug him one last time. The cold, sticky blood fills the ground.
His face is frozen, and that big hole on his forehead is horrible. Is he dead? And why is my mother naked and full of bruises in this picture? I think she’s dead too.
I waited, and waited. But I was way too tired.
I just need some sleep, just a few minutes. Just a little bit more time with them. With my parents.
I laid on the ground, taking my daddy’s hand in mine. Oh, it’s so cold. I took my mother’s picture and approached it next to my heart. “It’s okay mom, I’m here, Papochka is here.”
The smell is horrible here, metal and death.
The blood is seeping into my clothes, but at least I can press my face against his chest, even if the blood on his shirt is staining my cheek.
I think I look dead too.
There’s so much red. It’s all over my hands. I hold the picture close to my face, even though it’s all messy and stained. I want to look at my Mamochka’s face.
It feels like it’s the only thing left that is still real.
No! I’ve stained it with more red, more blood.
I just wanted to caress her cheek one last time.
Sorry. I let out a small whisper through my tears, “I love you. Can you come back now? Please?” But no one answered.
I kiss the picture softly again, “You’re still beautiful, Mamochka.” And I close my eyes, still waiting for Niko and Benny.
Why do I feel so alone?
They’re still here and I am still with them. Just one last night as a family. Just one.
I need to focus on something. Lets just count.
1-2-3. I remember that little girl. She was adorable.
4-5-6. She smiled at me.
7-8-9. My eyes finally closed.
My father’s fingers won’t move and my mother’s face won’t smile in my head again.
But I can see something other than blood and red.
10. Finally, Sleep.
Amber eyes.
My nightmare felt better than real life. It was less painful. I had the angel there waiting for me, with big amber eyes and a smile.
The nightmare was calm. She just smiled and laughed, under so many stars. The ones Mamochka loves so much.
It felt like happiness, even though it was super dark, and I was alone. But my angel appeared again.
I can’t smell the horrible scent anymore. Whenever my mother’s face came back, I would just count to ten and find my Little Nightmare with golden eyes waiting for me again.
Even if it was a nightmare, it felt like dreaming.
And I found sleep again.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.
10.
She’s here again.
I love my nightmares after all.
Now I was alone in the dark, but no amber eyes were waiting for me. No stars, no happiness.
10.
I was alone, again.
And my dark angel was leaving too.
Am I so undeserving of love? Am I not enough to live for?
“If anyone hears me, I beg you, I need her. Take me and give her life again,” I pleaded to something bigger than me, bigger than us, if such a thing existed.
I need Zanae to survive.
Fuck ! I’m watching her die and I can’t do anything to change it! It hurts so fucking much.
I finally let myself love, and now it’s being ripped away.
Give me another chance, my beautiful Little nightmare.
I didn’t leave, I slept there that night, and the night after, keeping her hands warm, kissing the bandage covering her scars.
Her fingers were cold, just like my father’s were, and she looked pale, just like my mother was.
Give me colors, I beg you, Zanae. Save me.
Don’t leave me.
I needed her to open her eyes.
But she didn’t.
They didn’t open and she didn’t come back.