Chapter Two
Taylor
I’m jolted from my thoughts by the loud snap of my name. “Taylor?”
Not sure how long she’s been calling me, I suspect it’s probably been a few times. I look up at Shannon, the senior nurse on duty who is frowning at me. Not in anger, it’s concern.
It takes a moment to pull out of the haze I went into. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“Your patient is here. Ashlyn said she called you, but you didn’t pick up.”
“I didn’t hear the phone.” I reach over and pick it up, and there is a dial tone. Shit. I’m supposed to be convincing Shannon I’m fine and ready to be back at work. Not drifting off into memories that keep filling my mind.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Shannon moves closer to the desk. “You can take more time off after what you’ve been through these past few months.”
She’s not the only person at the clinic who thinks I came back too soon, but what else was I supposed to do? Sit at home and stare at the empty rooms that used to be so full of life? Cry myself into a stupor and wake up looking like I’ve been hit by a truck.
That has happened more than once. Dad would hate to see me like that.
The only way I can keep myself from sinking into depression is to stay busy.
Not that Shannon has kept me all that busy since I came back.
I’ve barely seen any patients, instead working on waiting lists and appointments, or doing admin tasks that either Ashlyn our receptionist can do, or Danica, the actual clinic manager.
It’s only been two months since I lost my dad. Cancer took him from me. Being a nurse doesn’t help. You never expect it, not when cancer decides to take root and destroy your body.
My dad was my best friend. Everyone loved him, he always had time for people, even when he was too busy.
That was his way. Selfless. He raised me alone after my mother decided motherhood wasn’t for her.
We were a team, he was my biggest supporter, my confidante.
I’d gone off to college and had my own place, but I never thought of anywhere but Dad’s house as home.
It’s still hard to comprehend that he is no longer in the world. I’ve never believed in a higher power, or any kind of deity in the sky. Not until now. I can’t bear to think he ceased to exist. He was larger than life. Nothing about him being gone is right.
I’m not sure I’ll ever stop missing him. Or the things he used to do that I took for granted. The sound of him yelling at the TV when his baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles, was playing.
Or the never-ending supply of Cocoa Pops cereal he always had in the pantry. The proper kind from the UK, not the plastic, tasteless crap, as he referred to the version made here. He got it shipped over.
I don’t even know where he got it from, and the thought of it running out guts me.
“I’m sorry, I got lost in thought,” I say, getting up.
“Mr. Cartwright is ready to see you, so long as you’re sure. Caitlin can take him if you need time.”
Coming around the desk, I pat Shannon’s arm.
She’s in her late forties and has been a mother figure to most of the other nurses under her.
She’s highly experienced and spent a lot of time in busy ER departments throughout her career.
Some in high-risk areas where there was barely any let-up in the violent crimes that saw people ending up in hospital.
She decided to move away from that and into the private nursing business.
I’d started out here, so had no clue what it was like doing what Shannon had done before.
My aunt suffered with diabetes most of her life, and I love her almost as much as Dad, so when I went into nursing, that was what I specialized in.
I’m lucky to have found my place here. I can’t blow it now. Not that I wouldn’t be forgiven for taking a little longer away. I just can’t. I need to be here.
The last few months of my life have been miserable as fuck. I need some light. If that comes as being around colleagues and patients I’ve been seeing for the last four years, then this is where I’m going to be.
“It’s not doing me any good to stay at home.”
“Are you still at his place?”
“Yeah, I let my apartment lease lapse.”
“Hey,” Caitlyn appears in the doorway before Shannon can ask any more questions. She is a good friend of mine and a fellow nurse at the clinic. “Guess who’s here?”
Shannon side-eyes Caitlyn, who gives her a sheepish grin.
“Don’t even pretend you don’t look forward to his appointments,” she tells our boss.
Shannon tries to look stern, but fails miserably. Everyone here loves Jesse Cartwright. Not only is he a lovely guy who is always upbeat and wants to talk to everyone, he’s absolutely stunning to look at. Which is irrelevant because he’s a patient.
My patient, who I’ve kept waiting because I went into a fugue state when I’m supposed to be proving to my boss I am ready to be back here.
Jesse is sitting in the back of the waiting area when I head out, frowning at his phone. He doesn’t hear me call his name, so I head over.
“Hey, Jesse.”
“Oh,” he puts his phone away and gives me a dazzling smile. “Sorry, Taylor. Business emails. Why do some people seem to lose their minds if you’re out of contact for a couple of hours?”
I recognize that look, that forced smile. It’s the look of someone going through something they don’t want to talk about. “Maybe you’re just that awesome,” I grin.
He lets out a small laugh that sounds more like him. We head to my room, and I note Caitlin and Ashlyn staring as we pass.
“How’ve you been?” he asks
“Good, thanks.”
Discussing my personal life with patients doesn’t happen. They have enough on their plate without hearing my story. Jesse is the exception. We talked about my dad’s battle with cancer a time or two. I always steered the conversation back to his care, though.
It’s been two months since I last saw Jesse for a check-up. He doesn’t know about Dad. Getting used to telling people you’ve lost someone isn’t something I’ve got a handle on yet. Fortunately, he doesn’t ask as we go into my room.
He looks pensive again and uncomfortable. Not the Jesse I’ve come to know.
“We’re not scheduled for a routine review. Is there something wrong?”
“Everything is going great. Blood sugars are good, taking my medication perfectly. Health wise, I’m great. I’m even signed up for a half marathon in a couple of months, I’ve been training.”
“That’s great, I’m glad you’re keeping healthy. It’s always lovely to hear of people working towards their goals. And a half marathon is no mean feat.”
“It’s tough, but I’ve had a lot of reasons to get out and run.”
One thing I am not is a therapist. I don’t have the tools to counsel people, but I am a compassionate person, a good listener and, fortunately, in a position to signpost if people have issues beyond my scope of understanding. Jesse is the kind of guy you want to help, but not be shortchanged.
“For a little while now, I’ve been having some… issues?” He says it as if it’s a question. I dip my head silently, telling him to go on. “With my libido, I guess.”
“Okay, and by issues, what exactly is the concern?”
“Erectile dysfunction.”
“Don’t self-diagnose. You’re young, healthy and your medication levels are great. You don’t meet the regular statistics for ED. Do you want to discuss symptoms?”
“I can’t get it up,” he laughs, though it’s strained.
“There can be many reasons for that, so you shouldn’t automatically jump to conclusions.”
“Like what? Because I’ve broken the cardinal sin, Taylor. I’ve researched it online.”
“No. Online is a bad word here. And what did that get you?”
“My dick is broken, and I’ll only be able to get it up by taking a little blue pill that can give me a stiffy for hours on end.”
“Jesse,” I shake my head.
“I know,” he leans back, slapping his hands on his thighs. “I gave myself a stern talking to.”
“How much detail do you want to give me so we can figure this out?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, when we try it… hides.”
Oh God, it is really hard not to laugh. He’s using jokes to make light of it, but deep down this is bothering him. I get it, most men who come through here with these kinds of problems find it difficult to be serious. It’s all born of fear.
“There are few factors to consider, we’ve eliminated most of them already. I think the one you may need to explore is the psychological element.”
“I need a shrink?”
“Not necessarily. But you may need to explore your feelings about the act of sex. The person you’re with, outside factors like work-related stress. You told me that people at work are bothering you when you’re not there. It all adds up. Stress on the mind can manifest in physiological ways.”
“You’re not a therapist, I get that. I needed someone professional to tell me this isn’t something I’m going to have to deal with.”
“No, I’m not, and I can refer you on to someone who specializes in this and can help you talk things through.
If you’re not ready for that step,” I add, because he looks the furthest thing from wanting to see a therapist. “Then ask yourself what usually brings you to the point of getting erect and what’s changed to prevent it. ”
His cheeks pinked slightly, but he nods. “I’m overreacting, I know that.”
“Nothing is an overreaction, Jesse. If it’s a genuine concern, I’m here to help. I don’t want to overstep, but the person you’re with, is it a serious, committed relationship?” He sits in silence. “I’ll take that as a you’re not sure where you stand kind of response.”
“It’s new, and I guess there are no big feelings about him.”
“But you’ve been actively having sex until now.”
“Yeah.”
“And your sex drive is low, medium, high?”
“High usually.”
“As a non-sex therapist, I don’t want you to take this as an accurate description of the problem, Jesse.
I would recommend that you seek advice from a specialist on this.
Maybe you need to re-evaluate your personal wants and needs before you factor in something as large as a relationship.
Sometimes, we don’t connect, or it becomes perfunctory. That could be having an effect.”
He stares at the wall for a moment. We sit in silence as he articulates what he wants to say.
“What if I like someone else?”
“Is that something you could explore?”
“Absolutely not.”
Damn, now I feel bad. He has feelings for someone else who isn’t interested. Like seriously not interested if that vehement statement is anything to go by.
“I wouldn’t want to say that’s the cause.”
“You’re being very diplomatic, Taylor. Both of them are wrong for me, that’s the problem. I should break up with him and focus on myself. Forget what I can’t have.”
“At some point in our lives, we all have to do that. It’s difficult, but taking care of your own mental health and your actual health, given your condition, should come first.”
“You’re right. God, what would I do without you?”
“You’d manage,” I smile. “Do you want to talk some more, or can I signpost you to some places? I could give you reputable places to do a bit of research. Instead of the damn internet?”
Jesse agrees to the signposting. He looks at his watch and says he needs to get back to work with a roll of his eyes. I walk him to the door and lightly pat his arm.
“I’m here if you need to talk, you can come in anytime.”
“Thanks, Taylor. I appreciate that. It’s helped to talk about it with someone who understands.”
“I’m glad I could help.”
We say goodbye, and Jesse heads out. People probably look at him and think he has it all.
Underneath the surface, we all have our issues, some more serious than others.
I think this is definitely his own head getting in the way.
If you’re no longer attracted to someone, it’s gonna be hard to do the deed with them.
“Taylor?” Ashlyn breaks me out of my thoughts. “Jesse was your last patient, Shannon asked me to see if you were alright, to help with the patient waiting list and bookings?”
Riveting stuff. I agreed to this slow return, so I smile and head behind the reception desk. It’s best if I’m around people right now. And while I’m working on bookings, I can slot myself in a few extra patients. What Shannon doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
I’m barely getting started when Jesse comes back into the clinic. He looks frazzled, his usually perfect hair is sticking up like he’s run his hands through it, and not in a good way. I get up and walk around the counter.
“Is everything okay?”
“No. My car won’t start, the people at my insurance company are useless, and the towing company can’t get here for three hours. I need to get back. Could you hold on to my keys and call me when they show up? I need to Uber back, but there are no cars in the area.”
“Of course, we can handle the tow company for you.” I take the keys from him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just the whole stress thing.” He gives me a tight smile. “I’m running late.”
The clinic is quiet, Ashlyn has a handle on the paperwork, despite asking for my help. It’s Shannon’s way of keeping me here but not overdoing it.
“How about I give you a ride, will that help?”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“It’s fine. I’m due a lunch break anyway. And I’d rather help you out than sit in my room eating stale cracker bread.”
“That’s not very healthy of you, Nurse.”
“See, you’re saving me from myself. Let me get my keys.”
“You’re a lifesaver. I owe you.”
“You haven’t seen her drive,” Ashlyn says.
“Very funny.”
“I’d take a ride from an F1 driver right now,” Jesse laughs.
“We keep crash helmets in the back.”
“It’s not that bad,” I protest.
Ashlyn and Jesse both laugh. It’s good to see a smile on his face. If I can take away some of his worry, then today has been a good day.