Chapter Twenty-Six #4
“Yeah,” I said with a chuckle. “The point is, I don’t know how to be a dad either.
And Liv is such a good mom, you shouldn’t compare yourself to her.
But what I learned from my moms is that all Kaylee needs from any of us, is the knowledge that’s she’s truly, unconditionally loved.
That’s what I do. I love the shit out of her, even when she’s asked why for the tenth time in a minute and I want to pull my hair out.
If you grow to love her, and you make sure she knows that you do, I think you’ll do just fine as a dad. ”
Kayden smiled at me. “Thanks, babe. I’m glad she asks why. Shows she’s curious and using critical thinking.”
I snorted. “Remember you said that after you spend a few hours with her. That little girl can drive even the most patient man to tears when it comes to her questions. Trust me, I’m that man.”
He laughed and leaned down to kiss my cheek. “Really, thank you. It’s nice to be able to talk to you. I didn’t realize how much I needed that before.”
“Hey, we can trauma bond about our parents all night if you want,” I teased. “I’ve been wondering how your mom died; you’ve only mentioned her the one time. You don’t have to share, but you can when you’re ready.”
“You can ask me anything, Jace. I want you to know me.” He tugged on his hair and closed his laptop, setting it on the nightstand.
“My mom took her own life when I was seven. I had a little brother, Callum, who died in a car accident when he was five. My dad was driving the car, but the accident wasn’t his fault.
Even still, he started drinking right after.
Mom sunk into a deep depression and ended up dying by suicide a few months later.
He was too drunk to notice she needed help, and I was on my own, neglected in a way you can probably relate to.
I started to become really anxious shortly after my mom died and I’d get up in the middle of the night to check that the doors were locked, refused to ride in cars, and started washing my hands obsessively—all behaviors that I now understand were the first signs of my anxiety disorder.
The therapist in rehab told me I probably would have always developed it at some point, but the series of traumatic events likely triggered it.
There was no one to keep me safe and I’d lost half my family without the true ability to understand most of what happened.
“My mom was mad at my dad and devastated over my brother, and I struggled for a long time, believing that I wasn’t enough to make her want to live.
It almost made it easier to accept my father’s abuse in a way because her choices had primed me to believe I deserved it.
My dad is terrible, and he abused me emotionally and physically for most of my life.
He called me weak, made me ashamed of the anxiety that I couldn’t control, and was blatantly homophobic, but for years I told myself, he wasn’t always like this.
The reality is, alcohol can only be blamed so much.
He let himself become that person and he told me far too many times that the wrong son died. ”
I squeezed his hand and rested my head in his lap.
He ran his fingers through my hair as he talked.
“I’ve been to see him a couple times since I moved back here.
I told myself it was the right thing to do but really, I think I just want to be sure he’s dying.
He has end-stage liver disease. I intended to stay in the closet until he died, but the more time I spend with you, the more I want to show up at his place and show him how happy you make me.
I want to throw it in his face that his abuse didn’t stop me from finding a partner to build a life with.
For so long I thought I needed to tell him in order to finally be out and proud of who I am because if I can look him in the eye and say it, then I have nothing left to hide from.
No one could ever make me feel ashamed if I stop letting him make me feel that way. ”
I rolled over to face him. “I’ll support you no matter what, Kayd. I’ll kiss you in the middle of Quincy Market and I’ll wait patiently until he dies and you feel safe to be who you are.”
“I know you will,” he said. “But I meant what I said the other day. I’m not waiting for him to die to be true to who I am. Do you still want to take me out to dinner sometime?”
My heart skipped a beat. “Yes, so badly,” I said. “I’ll rent an entire restaurant for the evening if you’re not ready to show up and hold my hand in public.”
He laughed. “That’s a stupid way to spend money. But given that I know it pains you greatly to abuse your wealth, your support is crystal clear. Let’s go out tomorrow. No restaurant-renting necessary.”
“Okay,” I said, grinning.
“As far as I’m concerned, this is my official coming out. I have a hot-as-fuck boyfriend and I’m proud as hell to be dating you. Maybe someday I’ll tell my dad, and maybe I won’t. But either way, I’m not hiding who I am from anyone else.”
I sat up and threw my arms around his neck in excitement. I was thrilled to be open about our relationship, but I was even more happy to hear him let go of the hold his father had on him. It was the first step in him becoming the father that Kaylee deserved and that I was confident he’d be for her.