Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
THEO
Ishouldn’t care; I don’t care. But when I saw Blake’s reaction to what I’d said, something didn’t sit right. The way her face paled, her eyes went wide, and a terrified look crossed her face doesn’t add up. I just don’t know whether I care enough to try to figure it out.
Blake was everything to me until that night.
The first time I met her, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.
Every part of my body screamed, “mine,” so I went after her, making excuses to see her, to be around her.
At first, she held back, stayed distant with her shields up, but little by little, those walls started to come down, and I got to see someone that others didn’t.
I felt like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. Until I didn’t.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that, right?” Aimee exclaims, thundering into my office and slamming the door. “That was completely out of line, even for you.”
I run a hand down my face, almost like I’m putting a mask on. “Aw, come on, short stack, it was just a joke. She’s fine.” I wave my hand in the air like it means nothing because it doesn’t. “I’m just welcoming the new girl.”
Aimee puts her hands on her hips and glares at me. “That’s what you’re calling it? Theo! Blake’s ass was on display. The entire office got an eyeful,” she seethes. “I’m failing to see how any of this was funny or welcoming.”
“Made me laugh.” I shrug. I refuse to let her make me feel bad. Blake deserves everything I throw at her. “Anyway, it’s payback for the glitter incident.”
“After you put food dye in her face mist and then failed to mention an important meeting,” she shouts, pointing a finger at me.
Her eyes are filled with so much anger and disappointment that, for just a second, I start to feel bad. Then I remember what I saw.
Finishing up for the day, I grab my bag and head out.
Blake said she was staying in the dorms tonight, but I’m a needy bastard and want my cuddles.
I love being held by her, the way she plays with my hair, the way she makes me whimper as she rakes her nails through it.
Her stomach has to be the best pillow I’ve ever slept on, and I’m not even the slightest bit sorry.
There’s just something about Blake Adams that gets me every time.
I’ve only known her for a few months. I’m working on the most significant case of my career, and I needed help.
I chuckle to myself as I think of the first time I saw her—long brunette hair, big brown eyes that held a hint of darkness that matched mine, and the cutest button nose I’ve ever seen.
I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve tapped it lightly just because.
She was hiding under leggings and a hoodie, and I was dying to get my hands on her—in a non-weird way.
I mean, I like things rough, but consensual at the same time.
Walking through the college grounds with the night stars twinkling and the moon bright, I think of how I've gotten so lucky—having not only the job of my dreams but the girl of my dreams too. Things like this don’t happen to guys like me, ones that had the worst upbringing known to man.
I get to Blake’s dorm room and knock. There’s no answer, but the door gives way slightly. I shrug. Maybe she left it open for me? Walking into the spacious area, I hear noises coming from her bedroom. My heart stops in my chest.
She wouldn’t? Would she?
Don’t ask me why I don’t go in there ready to murder someone; I guess I just wanna make sure it’s not what I think it is, and it’s just a horrible fucking mistake.
Pushing the door open a fraction, my heart explodes into a million pieces, tears lining my eyes as I watch a very naked Blake get railed by some dude that most definitely isn’t me.
Her head’s shoved into the mattress, and she’s not fighting him, so she must be complicit, like she’s part of this and I meant nothing.
I stumble back, haunted by what I’ve seen. Turning, I run as fast as I can out of there, then fall to my hands and knees on the sidewalk once I’m outside. The contents of my stomach fly out of my mouth, splattering in front of me, and my heart splinters down the center.
“Theo? Are you listening to me?”
Aimee’s voice brings me back. I swallow and clear my throat, emotion from that night hitting me all over again.
“I don’t get why you’re being like this,” she says softly. “It’s so unlike you. I keep asking Blake, but she won’t say anything. Do you guys know each other?”
I glance at Aimee. I could tell her that Blake and I have a history, tell her what happened, but once again, when my brain tells me to say it, the words don’t come out.
“There’s nothing to tell, short stack,” I finally say. They were the only words I could force out. “Now, not to be an asshole, but I’ve got stuff to do, so if you could get out and close the door on your way, that would be great.”
I turn my back on her, looking out across the city as I wait for her to leave. The door closing sounds like a gunshot ricocheting throughout the room, the silence deafening as I’m left alone with thoughts I’ve tried so hard to avoid.
“Slow down, tips,” James says, frowning.
We decided to have our weekly meetup at Bucky’s. It’s an off-campus dive bar, but we love it. Beer’s pretty good too.
“I’m fine, Dad. Just a long day and I need to let off some steam,” I huff, downing my third shot of tequila in the last half hour.
If I’m not being carried out of here by these pussies at the end of the night, I didn’t do my job properly.
Having BPD and PTSD means that my intrusive thoughts happen from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.
I’ve managed to stave it off, pushing the thoughts down and out by keeping myself so busy I don’t know what day it is half the time.
However, in moments of quiet, like tonight when things get too much, I struggle to cope.
The razor blade in my cabinet was looking pretty damn good.
I have so many thoughts at one point or another that I can’t think straight.
I can’t figure out what emotion I’m supposed to be feeling or how to feel it.
It’s just there. When I’d run the blade across my top left thigh, I could breathe.
I didn’t need to clutch my hands in my hair and scream into the abyss anymore.
Every stroke of the blade cutting deeper and deeper, the crimson red bubbling to the surface, meant that my brain was a little less chaotic, that everything sitting on my shoulders wasn’t there anymore.
Completely unhealthy, but when you’ve been beaten black and blue by your mom from a young age and sexually assaulted by your stepfather since you were five, life gets hard sometimes.
So yeah, instead of cutting myself and going into bad habits I haven’t done since the night I tried to kill myself, I called the boys. They think it was because I wanted to chase tail. It wasn’t, I just needed my support buddies, even if they didn’t know it.
“I heard you tried to get it on with my woman,” Caleb says to James, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Wait? What? When did you chat Lauren up?” I chuckle, my eyes darting between Caleb and James.
“It was ages ago, plus you were there that night,” James grumbles into his beer, looking anywhere but at Caleb.
“I was?” I ask, my eyebrows shooting to my hairline.
James sighs. “Yes, dickwad. I believe your words were, ‘Not gonna lie… wow.’” He gives me a pointed look. How he remembers shit like this, I’ll never know. “And anyway, Caleb, it’s not like I knew she was yours at the time. You kinda kept it a secret that you were dating your student.”
“Damn straight I did. I got enough shit from Noah, I didn’t need to add you to the mix as well,” Caleb exclaims.
I roll the sleeves on my shirt up, shifting into referee mode, only this particular referee is gonna stir it some more.
“James, how’s Raven?” I ask innocently. “Drew’s daughter was looking pretty fucking fine when I saw her last.”
“I suggest you shut your fucking mouth right now,” James growls, his hands clenching around his beer bottle.
Fanning my face, I declare, “Woooo, I’m slightly turned on by your behavior.” I fake shiver in excitement as I bounce around in my chair. “Growl again, Daddy. I liked it.”
“You disgust me,” Noah drawls from his place in the corner.
“No one asked you, fuckface,” I sing-song, giving him a huge grin. “Just go back to your brooding ways while the big boys talk, mmmkay?”
Noah puts his middle finger up, then goes back to his brooding.
He hates me. Why does he hate me? What have I done this time?
“Anyway, getting off topic.” I look over at James, leaning my head in my hands and trying to ignore Noah’s attitude toward me. “You were saying about Raven?”
“I wasn’t saying shit.”
“I’m so confused,” Caleb groans. “Why do you do this to me? What have I missed now?”
I wave Caleb off, suddenly feeling bad for James. “That’s his story to tell.” I gesture to James and sit back in my chair, huffing out a laugh. “Jesus, have you ever noticed how I’m the one holding all of your secrets here?”
James rolls his eyes. “That’s because you’re our lawyer. Client confidentiality.”
“Hmm, still makes me feel special though, the fact that I’m always the first to know.”
Yeah, I’m aware that I’m fishing for compliments right now, but I need the intrusive voices to shut the fuck up.
Caleb pats my back and gives me a wide smile. “That’s because you are special, man.”
“Tell me more,” I say, giving him an exaggerated wink.
“Aw, is needy Viking feeling unloved?” Caleb coos, stroking my hair.
I nod emphatically. “Uh huh.”
“Get a room, you two.” James laughs, but he watches me like a hawk.
I seriously wish I’d never said anything. This is what happens when I’m going out of my mind and need to talk—Dad goes into overprotective mode, and I end up being smothered, only not in a good way.
I wonder if I ask Caleb to braid my hair, would he?
That’s a conversation for another day. I bet he would though.
“I’m always feeling needy. You guys don’t appreciate me and my humor. It gets so lonely.” I pout, and like the good little boy he is, Caleb falls for it.
“Wanna come over next weekend and watch the game? Lauren’s with Sydney, so I have the place to myself.”
“You really do love me,” I gush, wiping a fake tear from my eye.
Noah chimes in, “Can we please get rid of him?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Noah!”
Noah holds his hands high. “Fuck, sorry. I was only joking, jeez.”
Why does he keep me around if he acts like this with me? What did I do to make him dislike me so much?
I narrow my eyes and point a finger at him. “And this is why you aren’t allowed to join in the conversation with the adults, dickwad.”
“You guys confuse the fuck out of me,” Noah grumbles, downing his beer.
“And yet, you’re still here twenty years later,” I muse, a finger to my lip. “What does that say about you?”
“That he’s just as needy as you are, tips, he just won’t admit it,” James pipes up, hiding his smile behind his bottle.
“Ding, ding, ding,” I shout. “We have a winner.”
Noah rolls his eyes, but I see the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. He knows we’re on to him, so he can try and hide it all he wants, but he’s just like the rest of us. We’d be lost without each other.
Maybe if I ask him to help me, he won’t hate me so much anymore?
“Oh, Noah, I forgot. You got any time for me next week? I need to run something by you,” I say, all hints of joking gone.
Noticing the change in my demeanor, he nods. “Yeah, shoot me a text, and we’ll sort something out.
I spend the rest of the night getting so drunk that they do indeed need to carry my ass out at closing time.
Sometimes I don’t know whether being me is a curse or a blessing.