Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
THEO
One thing about mental health I hate is the stigma surrounding it.
You can function as a human being—barely—and be hiding the most amount of pain known to man, yet people still don’t see it.
They see those who laugh at other people’s jokes and do their best to make others smile because they wish someone would do the same for them.
So, no, I won’t treat Harper with kid gloves.
No, I won’t tell her everything is going to be okay.
Instead, I’m going to do what I’ve always done—throw out all the jokes.
“Ignore her, shortie. My man bun sits just right. She only wishes she had hair like me.” I wink.
I noticed the bandage on her arm when she moved her hair out of the way, and it took everything in me not to envelop her in a hug.
I don’t want to ignore it, but I also don’t want to be like ‘hey, I’ve got one of those too, so we’re like besties now.
’ You never know what’s going on in the recesses of someone’s mind, the demons they're facing or the battles they’re trying so hard to overcome.
I can’t save everyone, I know that, but I’m damn well gonna try.
Harper looks at me, her brown eyes filled with so much pain it’s like a slap to the face. I have to breathe through my own heartache for this girl and hope to god I can save her.
“Right, let’s get going.” I clap my hands together and bend down to get her bag from the floor. “Car’s out front.”
The walk is quiet, and a somber mood fills the air, my own demons threatening to pull me under.
“What happened?” Mike asks as I stumble into his office, pain radiating in my thigh from the skin pulling and stinging.
“I fucked up,” is all I say, throwing myself down on his couch.
Mike sits there as he usually does, not saying anything with his face showing no emotion.
I open and close my mouth several times, the block in my brain refusing to let the words out.
But I’m getting sick of this shit now. I’m never going to get better if I don’t do something.
I’m sick of hurting all the time. I’m sick of not feeling like I’m enough.
“She’s back,” I murmur finally, the words sticking in my mouth like glue, but the weight on my shoulders feels lighter. “She’s back,” I say, louder this time but with more meaning.
“And how does that make you feel, Theo?” he asks, shifting in his seat, his pen flying across his paper.
That’s what scares me the most. What’s he writing about me? That I’m a waste of space and should just kill myself because I’m not worth the time and aggravation? Is he thinking I’m emotionally unstable—of course he is, Theo. You have BPD. I mentally face-palm at my own stupidity.
“Like shit,” I force out through clenched teeth. “Like my world is imploding. Like I can’t breathe.” I stand up, anxious energy making my skin crawl. “Why do I feel like this? Yeah, she cheated, but people cheat all the time. Why does she make me feel like this?”
Mike stops writing and looks at me. “I don’t know, Theo. Why does it make you feel like this?”
“She betrayed me. The one person who I thought wouldn’t did. She’s no better than my mother and stepfather,” I shout, hands fisted in my hair and tears lining my eyes.
“Good, Theo.”
A car door slamming distracts me, and I glance up to see Harper in the car and Blake waiting beside it.
She gives me a curious look, but I ignore it, stomping to the driver’s side and getting in.
Harper’s in the passenger seat next to me with Blake sitting behind, both of them looking out the window, lost in their own thoughts.
“Buckle up, bitches, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride,” I sing-song, reversing out of the driveway and heading off to our next destination.
I throw the keys down on the table in the entryway and slam the door behind me. The harsh noise echoes throughout the otherwise silent apartment, and I try not to let it get to me. The last few days have been mentally taxing.
After dropping Blake off, wheels spinning in my eagerness to get away, I took Harper to her new location and left her with one of the three people I trust with my life.
The only reason I brought Blake with me was because Frank wanted to see her. What he wanted though? No clue. Was it about me? I couldn’t take the not knowing, and like fuck was I asking her, so the only other option was to bring her along and stall the meeting.
If she gets into trouble for it, all the better.
Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I lean against the counter and down more than half in one go. I’m not an alcoholic, I just find it relaxes me enough to get some sleep, and as long as I don’t drink too much, I won’t end up like I did the other day.
Fuck, the other day. That was a turning point in my therapy. I suppose I should be thankful, but I’m not. I just feel empty, and my mood is shot to shit.
Loosening the tie from around my neck, I head into the living room and turn the TV on low. The news plays quietly in the background as I sit on the sofa, swinging my legs up and staring at the ceiling.
“Good, Theo.”
I lift my head, glaring at him. “Good? How is any of this good?” I snap, my arms falling to hang limply at my sides.
Mike smiles, a warm, genuine smile. “You’re talking, Theo. For the first time in years, you’re finally opening up. This is good.”
“Is it?” I sneer. “Fuck. This pain in my chest isn’t going anywhere. If anything, it feels like it’s getting worse, which is why I—” I stop and turn away from him.
“Which is why you what, Theo?”
I blow out a breath, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes. “I cut myself,” I mumble, embarrassment and shame now circling me like vultures.
“And how do you feel now?” he asks gently.
“Embarrassed, shameful, guilty,” I reply. “I’m a thirty-six-year-old man who cuts himself. A lawyer, and a damned good one at that. I’m not supposed to do shit like this.”
“Embarrassment, shame, and guilt are all valid feelings to have, Theo. We just need to figure out why.”
I know why, I’m just not sure I can put it into words.
“Tell me more about that day and how it happened, and we’ll go from there.”
I shake my head and wipe my eyes. Mike says all this talking will be good for me, even if it’ll get worse before it gets better, but I’m failing to see how any of this is gonna help. I mean, I almost killed myself for fuck’s sake because the woman I loved cheated on me. I’m not exactly sane, am I?
I’m in serious need of loving right now, and I don’t mean women. Sliding my phone out, I message the guys.
You guys love me, right?
Caleb
Always.
Noah
Depends.
James
What’s wrong?
I appreciate the varying replies I get, depending on who it is. Caleb is the sensitive one—the metalhead professor with a heart of gold. Noah’s the grumpy high school teacher who never smiles. And Daddy James is the billionaire bestie who worries about me constantly.
Needy Viking needs some loving *shrug emoji*
Noah
There are strip clubs for that
Caleb
You still coming over next weekend? Lauren’s excited to see you. Said she should be back in time.
Noah, fuck off.
I struggle with Noah so much. I love him, I really do, but he doesn’t give me the love and attention I need.
He’s suffering in his own way, he has to be with his grumpy exterior.
Or maybe that’s me projecting myself onto him, and it’s just his personality?
All I know is, he’s the one I don’t have the best relationship with.
It feels like he hates me, and I don’t have the mental capacity to try to fix it with him.
What if he tells me he can’t stand me, and he’s only putting up with my crazy ass because of Caleb and James?
So, I take the scraps he gives me with a smile and piss him off to show it's not affecting me when in reality… it is. A lot.
As if you could keep me away from the gorgeous Lauren. She gives the best hugs *winky face emoji*
Caleb
The fuck are you talking about? What hugs? When was Lauren hugging you, Theo?
Noah
You’ve done it now, Theo.
James
Tips, you didn’t answer my question.
I’m fine, Dad *eye roll emoji*
Caleb
THEO!! I SWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST, ANSWER ME NOW!
Oooooh, the professor is mad. Tell Lauren I’ll see her soon *winky face emoji*
I close down my messages and turn my phone on do not disturb. My chest feels a bit lighter, and my smile’s back. I do enjoy winding them up; it really brings me so much joy.