Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
THEO
Caleb and I sit in silence for a while, my head a mess of jumbled thoughts as I sip on my beer. Should I forgive Blake? Should I try to move past what happened ten years ago, or keep the hate alive and cause myself more stress? I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
Lauren walks into the kitchen, her long blonde hair hanging past her shoulders, still wet from her shower. She kisses Caleb and makes herself a cup of coffee.
Once she’s finished, she turns to me. “Who’s Blake?”
I groan, hitting my head on the counter. “Can we not talk about her?” My words come out mumbled since my face is smushed. “She’s taking up too much room in my brain right now. Can we talk about you two instead?”
“What do you want to know?” she asks.
I shrug. “Dunno. Just tell me shit to keep my mind busy.”
“Hmm, okay. Well, I started my new job on Monday as an English teacher.”
I sit up, jerking my head toward her. “You started already? How was it?”
“So good,” she gushes, beaming. “The kids are great, and everyone has been so friendly. Still feels weird that I’m no longer a stripper and actually have a nine to five job now.” She chuckles.
“Will you ever go back to Strokes?” I ask, thankful to be moving on from the shitshow that is my fucking life.
Lauren shakes her head. “No, that part is over with now. It suited me at the time, but it was never going to be a long term thing.”
“She’s doing amazing,” Caleb says, jumping into the conversation. “After we got back from traveling, Lauren’s just gone from strength to strength.”
I feel slightly nauseated by the loving look he’s giving her, but I’m also jealous, wanting that for myself.
I’ve never been one to want the wife and kids.
I’m too fucked in the head to deal with it—hell, I can barely raise myself—but I can’t deny how my heart hurts when I know I’ll never allow myself to have that.
“Where did you go again? I was so upset you left me, I forgot,” I say with a pout.
Caleb laughs and ruffles my hair. I preen at the attention, rubbing my head into his hand. “We went to Italy, France, England, and then ended up snowed in for a week in the Scottish Highlands.” His face pitches, and Lauren snorts.
“I thought it was a fantastic time, thank you very much,” she retorts, eyes alive with laughter.
“You would,” he grumbles. “You didn’t get attacked by a crazy ass goat.”
“Henry was perfectly friendly,” Lauren chastises.
“It wasn’t his…” She starts laughing, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.
“His… fault he…” Lauren, struggling to get the words out, has me laughing too.
“… got spooked and bit… your… ass.” By the time she’s finished, tears are streaming down her face from laughing so hard, and I’m not far behind her.
“Stop it,” I plead. “It hurts to laugh.” But I don’t stop, I keep going. I’m not sure if I’m on the verge of hysteria or if I actually thought it was that funny, but somehow it tickled me, thinking about Caleb being attacked by a tiny goat.
“You two are hilarious,” Caleb deadpans, running a hand down his face. “See how you like it when your pants get ripped so hard your ass is on display.”
I double down on my laughter, not knowing what to do with myself. Echoes of mine and Lauren’s combined voices fill the air. It reminds me of when I put glue on Blake’s chair, and her ass got stuck to it, which only makes me laugh that much harder.
It takes me a good five minutes before I can calm myself down enough to ask, “So what’s next for you guys?”
Caleb answers first. “I’m not sure, man. We’re just taking each day as it comes and enjoying what we have now.”
Lauren saunters over to him, her eyes filled with so much love. “That works perfectly for me.”
He nuzzles his head into her neck, and I’m ready to leave. Standing up, I say, “And on that note, I’m out of here.”
“You don’t want to stay?” Lauren asks.
Every part of my body is screaming at me to stay, to not go home and be on my own, but tonight, with both of them, I feel like I’ve hit a turning point. I don’t know what that is yet. All I know is I need to get my ass in gear and overcome these demons that are plaguing me.
Which means first stop… Mike.
Sitting in Mike’s chair feels a little lighter than usual, and I don’t feel that ever-present weight pressing on my chest like I normally do. He sits there, waiting patiently, not rushing me or demanding anything.
I was surprised he didn’t turn me away when I knocked on his door at 9 p.m. Hinges creaking, he opened the door in his dressing gown with his hair all rumpled, then gestured for me to come in as soon as he saw me.
I don’t know much about Mike; he’s the one person I never did a background check on.
I wanted to give him as much privacy as he was affording me.
“I want to get better,” I finally say. “I had a, uh, moment with Caleb and Lauren this evening, and it… I don’t know… opened my eyes?”
“What was it about this particular meeting that made you feel like that?” he asks, his tone gentle. Not judging, not knowing… just being.
I blow out a sigh, my gaze darting to the outside world as I try to put into words what I’m feeling, if there are even any words at all.
“I thought I had a handle on everything, I thought I was doing okay, when in fact, I was just masking the problem and have been for a long time now.” I pause, working it all out in my head.
“I think Blake coming back was the catalyst for everything. I’ve felt so out of control since she’s been around, and I don’t like it.
I’m falling into bad habits. I’m doing things I haven’t done in such a long time because of how she’s making me feel. ”
“And how is she making you feel, Theo?”
Glancing up at Mike, I say the words I’ve been too scared to admit. “Like I still love her.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
Tears line my eyes as I reply, “She cheated on me. How can I come back from that?”
Mike shifts in his seat, elbows bracing on his knees. “Tell me, Theo. What exactly did you see that night?”
My heart pounds, and my palms become sweaty. “I saw her with another man.”
“Close your eyes and tell me what you can smell,” he says.
I raise an eyebrow at him.
“Just humor me.” He chuckles lightly.
I shrug, close my eyes, and lean back against the sofa. My head is resting against the pillow as I take myself back to that night. “I can smell the vanilla perfume she likes to wear and his cologne. I can smell sex in the air.”
“Good. What noises can you hear?”
Feeling sick to my stomach, I push on. I need to get better. I have to get better for myself.
I swallow hard, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I choke out, “He’s panting, grunting.
I can hear the sound of their skin slapping against each other as he fucks her.
” Bile rises to my throat, but I swallow it back down, refusing for the first time in my life for this to have power over me.
“I can hear the creak of the bed, a car horn beeping outside her window.”
“What about Blake, Theo? You’ve mentioned every sound in the room but hers. What is she doing?” he asks.
Focusing on the sounds she’s making takes a moment. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to listen to her moaning in ecstasy as some guy rails her like I used to. I breathe in and out—large inhalations as I try to ground myself.
I let myself hear her sounds, but they stop me short. Past me leans in closer, my body frozen as I listen to sounds that aren’t moans, aren’t groans of pleasure, but are actually screams. Pleas for help.
My body jerks out of the memory, sweat dripping down my face as my chest heaves up and down. I turn my gaze to Mike’s, my eyes wide with terror and understanding.
“What did you see?” he asks, sensing my panic.
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” I declare, jumping up from his couch and running for the downstairs toilet.
I puke up everything my stomach has to offer, then lean my head against the cool toilet seat when I’m done and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth.
Mike hands me a tissue, and I gratefully take it.
When I feel like I’m not going to puke again, I stand on shaking legs and head to the sink so I can wash my hands and rinse my mouth with the mouthwash Mike hands me.
“I’ll be in my office when you’re ready,” he says with a pat on my back.
I give a brief nod before bracing my hands on the sink and hanging my head. “Shit, fuck, damn,” I whisper-yell to myself. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Pushing away from the sink, I grip my head in my hands and pace the length of the small bathroom, my height making it difficult to get the excess energy out. My head keeps circling back to what I heard, what I thought I saw.
Slowly making my way back to Mike’s office, I throw myself down on his couch, a heavy sigh leaving me.
“Take some deep breaths for me,” he says gently, paper rustling as he moves.
I breathe in deeply through my nose for a count of two and breathe out through my mouth slowly. I repeat the motion several times, my body relaxing slightly as my heart rate slows down to a more normal rhythm, no longer pounding like it’s about to burst from my chest.
“What did you see, Theo?” Mike finally asks.
Running a hand through my locks, I reply, “I… I think…” I sit up, fidgeting. “I think she was being raped,” I finally choke out, tears welling in my eyes that I might have gotten the last ten years wrong.
Fuck!