Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
THEO
Is going to Habitat with Blake tonight a good idea?
Probably not, but apparently, I’m a glutton for punishment.
The feelings I once had are resurfacing slowly and relentlessly, and it terrifies me.
She’s supposed to be part of my past, just someone I work with.
But it’s like she’s pulling me in all over again.
It was so much easier to hate her. I couldn’t get hurt then.
But I’m reminded of all the reasons why I fell for her so quickly when I met her.
Her smile, her laugh, her quick wit, and how she challenges me without even trying.
It’s the most fun I’ve had in years, and I’d forgotten what it felt like to be in her orbit. To bask in her warm glow.
I’m fighting it with everything I have because I know this will only end up one way—with me having my ass handed to me again.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved, to feel that self-worth and self-love I see everyone else carry.
And yeah, I get that a lot of people put on a front—‘fake it til you make it’ and all that—but there are people out there who genuinely feel that way, and I want it.
I’m so desperate for it, I crave it more than I’d like to admit.
One day, Theo. One day.
I still need to contact Christie, but I’m putting it off for as long as I can. Just the mere thought of it makes my stomach turn. I’m not sure if I can handle the kind of pain it’ll no doubt bring.
But that’s a problem for another day.
I’m standing opposite the main entrance to the building, swiping through emails on my phone, when something tells me to look up.
Blake walks out of the revolving doors, her black coat tucked up around her ears and her brown briefcase swinging in her hand.
The autumn wind blows gently as she walks, her hair moving with it.
Her eyes take on a lighter tone as soon as she sees me, and my stomach does a somersault.
I squash it down. The need to protect myself weighs heavily with the need to forgive now that I might have gotten everything wrong.
“Hi,” I say, shoving my phone into my pocket and pushing away from my car before reaching behind me and grabbing the coffee cup from the hood. “I got you a coffee. I didn’t know if you wanted it?” My cheeks flush as I rub the back of my neck.
Blake blushes, her cheeks turning that gentle pink I used to love. “Hey. And yes, please.” She makes a grabby hand, smiling as I pass her the cup.
Opening the passenger door, I get her settled before sliding into the driver’s seat and making the twenty-minute drive to my apartment.
The silence is deafening, the music on low in the background, and tension fills the car.
I don’t want to know, but I need to know.
My palms are sweating as I grip the steering wheel tighter, my chest feeling like it's going to suffocate me.
I roll the window down, trying to blast away the hot, dizzy feeling.
Blake shifts in her seat but doesn’t comment, simply drinks her coffee.
I finally pull up, cut the engine, and usher her inside.
It feels like I’ve aged a decade by the time the elevator doors open, and I blow out a sigh of relief.
The ride up is slow, my chest aching more with each number that climbs on the control panel.
Blake fidgets, her feet shuffling and her gaze darting around the small confines of the lift.
She’s looking at anything other than me, but I can’t take my eyes off her.
I heave out a sigh as we reach my floor, nervous energy making it hard to stay still. James says I’m like the Energizer Bunny—I can’t sit still—but that’s the trauma. My threat system’s high, so I’m in constant drive mode, or so Mike said, anyway.
I should probably start listening to him when he tells me this stuff.
The elevator opens into my living room, and I take my jacket off before heading straight for the bar. I take out two glasses and offer, “Want one?”
Blake shrugs her coat off, placing it on the cream sofa. “It’s probably a terrible idea but fuck it.”
I chuckle at her choice of words, pouring out a double shot of whiskey for both of us. I hand it to her as her gaze roams over my home.
“Your interior designer’s done a good job in here.”
I scoff around the rim of my glass. “This is all me, firefly.”
She spins around to look at me, her eyebrows hitting her forehead. “You did this?”
I glance around the place. The walls are white, but I painted abstract colors all over, giving it a Picasso vibe.
My figurines and collectibles line most of the walls in cabinets, much like a bookworm would have bookcases.
Colorful pillows and throws litter the couch in an array of different colors.
Basically, it looks like someone threw up a coloring book in my home. But I love it. It’s me—a chaotic mess.
“So… you said you needed to talk to me about something?” she asks quietly, sipping on her drink. “I’m going out of my mind with what you want to tell me.”
I’d laugh if the situation didn’t feel so soul-destroying. Secrets and lies are about to come undone, but which one of us will come out still standing?
I loosen my tie, stalling for time. Blake waits somewhat patiently, her body frozen in place, but it's her eyes that tell me the not knowing is killing her.
“Were you raped?” I blurt. I’m surprised and a little bit proud of myself for saying the words out loud. I didn’t think I’d get my mouth to work like it usually does. Could have probably done with being a bit nicer about it, mind you.
Blake’s eyes go wide, and her face drains of color. “Wh-what?” she stutters out, standing up straight and pushing her shoulders back. “I don’t know what you mean.”
My jaw ticks. “I’m trying really hard to mend bridges here, Blake, so don’t lie to me.”
I really fucking hate liars.
“Either way, it’s none of your business,” she snaps defensively.
The fact she’s getting defensive immediately puts me on high alert. If we’re just having a conversation, why’s she acting like this?
“Really?” I scoff, frustration simmering under the surface because I need her to tell me. “Well, considering you fucked up my life, I think I have a right to know,” I growl, my tone laced with threat.
“Here we go again with the ‘you fucked up my life,’ argument,” she says in a low-pitched tone.
“You don’t get to act as if you hate me for weeks, Theo, and then demand shit from me you most certainly do not have the right to know about.
I knew this was too good to be true,” she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air.
“You can’t leave anything alone, can you? ”
“I’m a fucking lawyer, Blake, what do you think?” I quip with a raised brow. “Tell me the truth. Were. You. Raped?”
She scoffs, rolling her eyes. I snap, stalking toward her and grabbing her by the throat. I put one foot in front of the other until she’s backed against the wall. Blake’s eyes are wide, there’s fear there, but there’s also something else—defiance.
“Typical,” I sneer. “Still can’t tell the truth even now.”
“So this is why you really brought me here? To rehash the past? I’m not interested in doing that. What happened to me is my business, not yours,” she grits out, her teeth clenched and a dark glint to her eyes.
This conversation went from zero to a hundred in a millisecond, and my head’s all over the place. Why won’t she tell me the truth so I can end this torment once and for all with her? So I can forget about her and move on. Why can’t she see that?
“I loved you, and you ruined me,” I choke out, emotion pooling in my chest.
Her eyes turn cold, her lips pinching as she spits, “I didn’t ruin you; you did that to yourself. I wasn’t that into you anyway.”
“Certainly didn’t fucking look like it from where I was standing. Just fucking tell me,” I plead as my mind begins to spiral out of control. I can feel myself going into shutdown mode as my body does the one thing it knows how to do—protect me.
“You don’t get to force me into telling you about private things just to absolve you of your demons. That’s not how it works,” she sneers, a fire in her eyes that tells me to back off, but I can’t. I have to know.
“Just fucking tell me, Blake. Were you raped, or were you just the cheating whore I thought you were?” I shout, inches from her face.
“It’s not cheating if you never loved the person,” she shouts back.
I gasp, letting go of her neck and reeling back like she’d hit me.
All of my worst fears coming to light—that she never loved me like she said she did, that everything we had together was a lie.
The breath leaves me in a wave, and I’m unable to think clearly as visions assault my senses—the night I found her, the punishments I took as a kid, all the times I was told I wasn’t good enough.
“You’re just trash, Theo.”
“I never wanted you.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“Well, I never loved you.”
“I gave you fucking everything,” I bellow, clutching the strands of my hair and pulling. The bite of pain against my scalp momentarily douses the pain in my chest. “But it was never good enough for you. I was never good enough for you.”
“Theo, I—”
“No,” I roar. Emotion floods me, and I don’t know what to do with it.
I don’t know how to deal with it. “You don’t get to come back here and act as if everything’s okay.
You don’t get to walk back into my life and expect me to fall over you.
You broke me. Tore me into shreds and spat me the fuck out. ”
Tears stream down my face as I finally come to terms with everything I’ve been holding onto for the last ten years. I thought I’d been making good progress with Mike, but after one confession, she’s annihilated me all over again.
“You were my whole world, and you wrecked me,” I shout, arms spread wide as I put everything on display for her to see. “You were supposed to be my safe place, and you shattered me. Left me questioning everything I believed about love.”
I faintly hear Blake crying, but I ignore it. She doesn’t get my pity or my sympathy. I just wanted to find out the truth, but she wouldn’t even give me that.
“I nearly died because of you.” I keep going, expunging every small minute detail that I’ve only shared with three people.
I look up at her, but she’s just a blur, my vision taken away by the tears that won’t stop falling.
“Did you know that?” I scoff. “Of course you wouldn’t. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself,” I cry out, suffocating under the sorrow I’m experiencing.
“I didn’t know, Theo,” she exclaims, her voice catching.
I round on her, anger flooding my words. “Well, now you do. It was the single worst night of my life. It haunts me every fucking day. How I let someone in so much that a piece of me was carved out the day I found you fucking some other guy.”
My breathing becomes distorted as I struggle for breath. I clutch a hand to my chest as I hyperventilate. My knees crumble, and I fall to the ground with a gut-wrenching sob. “Y-you w-were e-everything to me.”
Soft hands brush the hair from my face, stroking in gentle patterns. My head is moved onto a lap, but I’m so exhausted I can’t move, can’t refuse, can’t do anything but allow her hands to lull me into a false sense of security, just like they’ve always done.
I hate her so much. I hate that I still love her. I hate that she broke me but she might be the only one who could fix me.