Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
THEO
Sitting in Mike’s office, I feel like I can breathe for the first time.
We dropped our sessions from every day to once a week because he said I needed to give myself some time to reflect and sit with my emotions before the next session.
He’s not wrong either. The more I sit and try to work out what I’m feeling, the more it helps.
I’ve taken a step back and given myself a minute to figure out why I’m reacting the way I am.
“Have you managed to speak to Christie yet?” he asks quietly.
I breathe out a heavy sigh as I run a hand down my face. “No, and I don’t think I will.”
“Can I ask why?” He must sense my unease because he adds, “There’s nothing wrong if that’s your decision. I’d just like to understand why.”
I sigh. “I didn’t protect her all those years just to bring it up now so I can quiet my own demons.
She’s happy, Mike. She has a life I can only dream of.
Coming in and telling her about what happened to me and how I’ve suffered isn’t going to fix that.
If anything, it's only going to cause more harm, and I refuse to do that to her.”
Leaning back in my chair, I roll everything around in my head. “It just hurts that she can so easily push me to the side. Cut me out of her life after what I thought was a great night.”
“What happened the evening of the bachelor party?”
I smile. Damn, that was a great night. “We all got pretty drunk. Dan more so than others, but it was his party; he was supposed to be carried out of there.”
“What do you think caused Christie to cut you out after that?”
“Honestly? It’s probably the alcohol and the state he got into. Our stepfather used to drink. It’s when he would… come for me.” I swallow, then clear my throat. “You’re going to want to unpack that memory, aren’t you?” I groan.
“All in good time, Theo.” He chuckles. “Do you think that she has her own demons to fight? That you weren’t the only one?”
Does she? I mean, I never saw anything, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
Mike shifts in his chair, crossing one leg over the other as he taps his pen to his mouth. “Without knowing the other person’s story, it’s very difficult to understand why they did what they did. Maybe Christie—in her mind—had a very good reason for cutting you out?”
I nod. “Makes sense. It’s not like I loved being around her.”
“And that’s okay, Theo. Just because they’re our family doesn’t mean we have to stick with them.
They have the power to hurt us more than anyone else since they’re the closest to us.
You have to be kind enough to yourself to allow boundaries.
I would surmise that Christie is doing the same for whatever reason. ”
“That just makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and that’s why she didn’t want to stick with me after a shitty childhood,” I mumble, my mood dipping. I can always feel it happen, like everything was a bright color but now fades to a muted gray.
“Some people use their trauma as a bond to glue themselves together, and others… well, they don’t like the reminder. They’d rather not have to see someone who disturbs their peace.” He pauses before he adds, “I say this in the nicest possible way… but it’s not always about you, Theo.”
I chuckle. “Well, it should be.” I glance out the window.
It seems to be one of my favorite things to do when I’m in here.
Maybe it’s because I’m too embarrassed and full of shame to look at Mike when I tell him things.
Maybe it’s because the scenery outside is peaceful, who knows.
“I blame myself for every little thing.”
“And you will,” he says. “You were always blamed for everything when you were a child, so your instinct is to use that now.”
“I feel so crazy.”
“You’re not crazy, Theo. All your responses grew from a lifetime of being lied to, gaslit, dismissed, and blamed, so your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode, constantly working out the confusion they insisted was your problem.”
Picking at the imaginary lint on my pants, I do what he’s told me to do—sit, think, reflect. It hurts knowing that what he says is true, but I have to remember we’re here for a reason. I need to accept this wasn’t my fault. None of this was my fault. I was just a kid.
Oscar.
I sigh, wanting to tell him I’m a dad and to get his opinion but I’m scared he’ll call CPS on my ass. Would he though? This is Mike and he hasn’t let me down yet. Do I tell him? Do I keep quiet?
Fuck!
Before I can overthink it, I blurt, “I have a son.”
“How does that make you feel?”
I turn toward him. “Mike, has anyone ever told you how irritating that sentence is?” I ask with a raised brow.
He laughs. “Yes, many a time, but it’s useful. Effective even. It makes you think rather than me putting words in your mouth.”
“Still annoying,” I grumble, but add, “Excited, scared, terrified, anxious.” I shrug. I know there are more emotions churning inside me, but I’m not sure what their names are or how to articulate them.
“What do you think is the worst that could happen?” He puts his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and steepling his fingers as he continues. “In your mind, what’s the one thing above all else that you're most concerned about?”
“That he’ll hate me.”
“What would you do to make him hate you?”
I open my mouth but close it again, stumped. Fucker got me good. “I don’t know.”
He gives me a broad smile, and I pout. “Exactly. You’re a good person, Theo. You know what you want out of life, and you most definitely know what you don’t want to end up like, so it stands to reason he’s not going to hate you.”
“I really don’t like that you’re right half the time,” I mumble, wiggling a finger at him.
“I’m just here to help, nothing more,” he replies jokingly.
“I’m scared, Mike. I’m so fucking scared,” I whisper, but I know he heard me.
“Scared is a good emotion to have. It means you care. It’s a fundamental element that helps protect us when we feel like we’re in danger.”
“Feels like I’m in fucking danger all the time,” I snark, rolling my eyes.
“That’s just your brain firing on all cylinders. It’ll get easier the more you tell it you're safe,” he replies gently.
“Like when Raven says, ‘I’m safe, there’s no threat?’” I ask. I’ve heard her whispering it to herself a few times, and I’ve even heard James murmur it to her.
“I can’t speak for Raven, but it does sound like that’s her way of reiterating to herself and her inner voice that she’s safe.” He nods. “It’s a good mantra to have.”
“Hmm,” I reply noncommittally. It might be worth coming up with my own.
“What about Blake? I know you’ve been spending a lot of time with her. How’s that going?”
“Good.” I smile. “She’s amazing. So gentle and patient with me, even though I’m a needy bastard.”
“Needy? How?” he asks, leaning back in his chair and writing in his book.
“I’m convinced she’s gonna leave me, so I’m crowding her. Obviously, I can't keep my hands off her either, and I feel like I’m smothering her.”
Mike nods. “You have what sounds like an attachment disorder. Again, with your upbringing, that’s not surprising. How is Blake dealing with it? Is she accepting or…?”
“Well, she’s not turned me away at any point, so I’ll take it as a good sign.
” I let out a self-deprecating laugh, then shrug.
“She keeps telling me that unless we get caught, she won’t leave.
” Mike raises an eyebrow, so I quickly add, “Interwork relationships aren’t allowed, so she’s understandably worried about her job, but I’m too much of a selfish bastard to keep away from her. ”
“Don’t you think that’s being unfair to her?”
I sigh, then whisper, “Yeah, I do, but I can’t stay away from her, Mike. What if I leave her for too long and she changes her mind?”
“You’re worth more than you realize, Theo. Not seeing Blake for a day or two isn’t going to make her change her mind. We can work on it next session?”
I nod.
“You will overcome this, Theo,” he says. “You’ve come a long way recently.”
Mike’s right—I have come a long way. The voices are more muted, and the flashbacks are less intense, if I even have them at all.
Is that because of the regression therapy?
Or because of Blake and Oscar? Who knows, but what I do know is that I’m grateful to them all for sticking by my side and not turning their backs on me when I get to be too much.
I have the family I need, the ones who choose me every single day without question, and that’s enough for me.