Chapter 27
Zara
Dear Sandra,
I know how badly you wanted to feel like one of the popular kids. How badly you wanted to be loved. How badly you wanted to be special. I think we’re all just human beings seeking affection and recognition.
I wish I would have seen how badly you were hurting. I wish I could have ignored my own want for attention.
I know that I failed you. I wish you could forgive me.
I miss you,
Zara
I stareat the wicked smile on Jackson”s face and I frown as my heart races. I am embarrassed and self conscious and drowning in emotions.
”Are you crazy? I growl at him, narrowing my eyes as I try hard not to wipe the cocky self satisfied smile off his glistening lips. I can feel the anger seeping out of me as he grins down at me. I can’t stay mad at this man for long.
”Are you mad at me?” he asks, raising an eyebrow, leaning towards my face.
”I”m more than mad,” I say, grabbing his hand and squeezing hard. ”We need to talk.” He cocks his head to the side and studies my face for a couple of seconds and then frowns.
”You”re seriously mad right now?”
”Let”s go to a private place and talk, please.”
”Okay,” he says nodding. We head back down the hallway and he opens the door to another room. I look inside and I see that it”s a study. Maybe it”s his office. I step in and he closes the door behind me. ”Okay, and what did I do wrong now,” he asks.
”You”re seriously asking me that question? You just embarrassed me.”
”I embarrassed you how?”
”We literally just...,” I blush. ”Everyone heard,” I say, staring at him.
”So everyone knows that you”re into me and I”m into you. That”s great.”
”I don”t want people hearing me orgasm, Jackson.”
”I’m sorry.” He sounds sincere.
”I”m done,” I say, poking him in the chest. ”I”m serious about this. We”re not sleeping together again. And if you even attempt to disrespect me like that, I”m done. I don”t care about the money. I don”t care about the recommendation. I don”t care about any of it.” He stares at me for a couple of seconds and I can see panic in his eyes.
”Why do I believe everything that you”re saying?”
”Because it”s true,” I say. ”That wasn”t cool.”
”But you had fun, right?”
”I had fun. I”m attracted to you. Yes, I think you”re sexy and handsome and you do things to me that make my blood boil in good ways and bad ways. But I”m also human and...,” I shake my head. ”I”m not going to have you use me like some sort of plaything. I”m not a plaything.”
His face turns serious and he nods slowly. The realization dawns on him that I”m not joking. And more than that, I”m pissed. Everything I”m saying is true. He”s the sexiest man I”ve ever been around and he makes me laugh and he”s fun, but I don”t want him to think that he can just do whatever he wants whenever he wants and get away with it.
”I”m really sorry,” he says, and I stare at him surprise.
”What?”
”I”m sorry.” He nods slowly. ”I should have asked your permission before I took you into that bathroom and made you come and scream my name.” I stare at him for a couple of seconds. I can see his lips twitching.
”This is not funny, Jackson.”
”I know,” he says, ”I just can”t seem to keep my hands off of you. I shouldn”t have made love to you as well as I made love to you. I didn”t anticipate that you”d be so loud.”
”That doesn”t really sound like an apology to me,” I say, glaring at him.
”What? It is an apology. I really am sorry you know, Zara. I am appreciative of everything you”re doing.”
”You just think I”m doing it for the money,” I say, and he shakes his head.
”Believe it or not, I don”t think you”re doing it just for the money.” He touches my hair. “I think you like me, just a teensy bit.
I stare at him for a couple of seconds and nod. I like him and I feel for him and there”s something between us that I can”t put my finger on, but everything”s so confusing. I don”t know what this is or what we are if I”m being honest. I feel like I’m falling in love with him, but I know I can’t tell him that.
”So what did you think of my grandma,” he asks..
”She”s judgmental. She wants the best for you, but she seems like a...,” I bite down on my lip. I don”t want to say the words.
”What,” he says, his eyes dancing in merriment. ”You can say it.”
”She seems like a bit of a snob,” I say, shrugging, looking away.
”Oh, she”s not a bit of a snob. She”s a huge snob.”
“Her friend Maisy doesn”t seem as well-to-do,” I say in surprise.
”She”s not, but yet their friendship works.” He points to the roses on the right of the window. “You see those roses there?”
”The pink ones?” I ask.
”Yes,” he nods.
”Yeah. What about them?”
”Maisy got my grandma a little rose bush from a farmer”s market, and she said, ”Plant these.” And my grandma was like, ”Those are never going to catch. It”s so small. It”s not big enough. You should have brought me more.” He shakes his head. “Maisy told her off and now look,” he says, as we stare at the vast amount of roses adorning the front of the house.
”Wow,” I say, ”They really took.”
”They did,” he says. ”And I tell you this story to say that it doesn”t always matter what my grandma thinks or feels initially. She’s not always right and she can’t stop something beautiful from growing.”
My heart pauses as I stare at him. What is he saying?
“You can start with with a small seed, but with love and water and time, it can grow to be something breathtakingly beautiful.”
”Are we just talking about the roses now?” I ask him softly and he blinks.
”What else could we be talking about?”
”I don”t know,” I mumble and turn away from him again. There”s a stirring in my stomach and I don”t want him to see how much he affects me. He grabs my hand and stares at my engagement ring and presses my hand against his head. I can feel it racing. He’s hot to the touch and his eyes are expressive, like he’s trying to convey a message without saying it.
”I”m excited for Lila and the kids to get here.” I say finally. ”They”re going to love this place. They”re going to think they”re in Disneyland or something.”
”Well, not quite. We have no Mickey or Minnie here.”
”That”s okay. The kids will love running on the lawn. It”s beautiful.”
”Everest does a good job with gardening,” he says with a nod.
”That”s Enid”s husband,” I say, remembering the maid.
”Yes,” he says. ”Let”s not talk about them though. Let”s talk about us.”
”What do you want to talk about?”
”I want to talk about tonight,” he says softly.
”What do you mean about tonight?”
”About us and how we”re going to make love without letting the whole house know that I brought you to another orgasm.”
”Jackson.” I blush, disappointed. I wanted to know if he had real feelings for me or if this was just about the sex.
”What? You weren”t serious about the fact that you weren”t going to sleep with me again, right? You and I both know that if there”s one thing we both enjoy, it”s making love.”
”It”s not making love. We”re just...”
”What,” he says. ”Banging, fucking, sexing.”
”They all sound so crude.”
”So what then? It”s up to you, Zara. I can use whatever term you like, but the fact of the matter is we both know we”re going to be in bed together again, touching each other, kissing, breathing, wanting to connect. And if you”re worried about being embarrassed that people hear, we”re going to have to figure out a way to ensure that no one hears you.” I stare at him and just blink.
“I’m not loud.”
“I mean I could put something in your mouth.”
”Put what in my mouth?”
”I can think of several things.” He looks down at his crotch.
”You”re a pig.”
”What? I don”t have to put it in your mouth.” He licks his lips. ”Though I think you like it, right?”
”You know what? I”m still mad at you, Jackson. So you can flirt and tease and joke around all you want, but I”m not going to join you. I”m going to go out and mingle because that”s what I”ve been paid to do. You want people to believe we”re engaged, right?”
”Yeah.” He frowns.
”Well, then let”s go and make people believe that we”re engaged.” He stares at me for a couple of seconds.
”I didn”t think that you wanted to actually talk to many people.” He looks concerned.
”I”m not really big on lying, but if I”m being paid for a job, I”m going to do it well even if you don”t think I”m a good actress.”
”You”re never going to let me forget that, are you?” he says, his lips twisting up at the side.
”No, I just think it”s hilarious that you told me that I was a bad actress and not going to get an Oscar and I was telling the truth.”
”Hey,” he says, ”Maybe you”ll get an Oscar for being a natural actress. We”ll see.”
”What? Are you going to buy one of those for me as well?” My voice is terse. I was angry. I’d been expecting him to reveal real feelings and yet again the conversation had gone to sex. I stare into his eyes and I wonder if I”ve gone too far. I”m grateful when he bursts out laughing and I watch as he runs his long tan fingers through his silky hair. There”s a hint of a smile on his face as he looks around the room, and we both just stand there in silence.
I listen to the sounds of the crowds outside and yet I don”t even feel guilty about lying. I feel at peace because even though this is a weird situation to be in, I”m in it with Jackson and I”m doing it for Jackson, and when I”m doing things for people that I care about, it doesn”t feel so bad. It dawns on me then that even though I don”t know this man that well, I do care about him and I do want him to be happy. I love him.
”My parents are going to be crazy,” I say, ”So just be careful when they arrive.”
”Be careful about what,” he asks.
”My dad”s going to have you buying ten used Honda. My mom”s going to have you booking trips all over the world.” I laugh. ”And if you think I got an expensive ring at Tiffany”s, you don”t even want to know what my mom will buy if you get her into any stores.”
”Then I guess I have to get her into some stores ASAP,” he says.
”Huh? What do you mean? Why?”
”So that she can fall in love with me just as much as I”ve fallen in love with her daughter.” He looks at me for a couple of seconds and my breath catches as he grabs my hand and looks at the diamond ring.
”What,” I say blinking. Is this for real? I frown, wondering if he’s joking. “What did you say?” My voice sounds sharper than I intended.
”Just practicing,” he says quickly, dropping my hand and stepping back. ”You know, for when your mom gets here, we’ve got to practice saying, I love you, so she”ll believe it.”
”Oh yeah, of course,” I say, my voice trembling. It wasn’t real.
”You didn”t think I was being real or anything, did you?” he says, looking at me with a nervous, worried expression. I shake my head quickly. “Did you want it?—.”
”Of course not. That would be absolutely crazy. I mean, who falls in love that quickly?” I look disgusted. “This isn’t a romance movie made in Hollywood.”
”Exactly,” he says nodding. ”Who falls in love that quickly? I mean, who even believes in love at all?”
”Only crazy and stupid people,” I say, sad for a few moments. He stares at me for a couple of seconds and nods.
”Come on,” his eyes look sad. ”Let”s go back outside, get some drinks and mingle. And I will apologize profusely to anyone that was in the corridor and heard us.”
”You don”t have to do that,” I say quickly, feeling low.
”I do,” he nods. “I don’t want you to ever feel like I’ve put you in an embarrassing position, Zara. I want you to trust me. And maybe one day, you’ll...” His voice trails off.
“I’ll what?” I ask, prodding him.
“Maybe one day, you’ll even like me as a person.” He says softly and more than anything in the world I want to tell him that the day has already come. Though I’m scared I’ll overwhelm him and that’s the last thing I want to do.