46. Ava #2
“I haven’t lived a good life, Ava. You deserved a father, and I didn’t deserve a daughter .
. . When I found out your mother was pregnant, I was engaged to someone else.
I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be a father,” he murmurs.
“For four years, I tried to be good to you, but I was only making you sad. Showing up when I could get away from my life. Leaving you crying when I had to go back. I realized you were better off without me, even if it killed me to watch you go.”
The soul-crushing truth in his words feels like spikes digging into my heart. It’s true, in a lot of ways.
That doesn’t make it right, but dwelling on it doesn’t change anything. The past is the past. I’ve lived twenty years without him and survived.
“Why did you find me now?”
“I had no idea Wright was Alex’s father. If I had, I would have stopped it before he could reach you. Luckily, I knew you were working for Cross, and I met with him, asking him to keep an eye on you.” Nolan has the audacity to stare pointedly at Levi. “I didn’t expect him to take me so literally.”
“Why would he use me against you? You were never a father to me. Not like you were to him.”
He soaks in the silence of my words, his face grim. I suppose I’m being harsh, but I’m just so tired. Tired of fighting for my spot in people’s lives. Tired of wishing someone would choose me. Really choose me and not just when it’s convenient.
“I’ve always watched over you, from afar.
I was there the night your mother lost you.
I was there when you broke your arm at nine years old .
. .” He clears his throat of the roughness in his voice.
“It might not mean much, but I’ve changed.
I’d like to be there when you get married and have babies of your own . . . if you’ll have me.”
Tears burn in my eyes, and I know without a doubt what I need to do.
The life I’ve lived has been for everyone else around me. I’ve never given much thought to what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve never experienced anything. I’ve never been out of this corner of the country.
From my mother to nursing Gran, to loving Levi, to discovering I have a father, I had forgotten that there was still a person inside me who deserved to dream. I forgot to figure out who I was when everyone else was away.
Like the flip of a switch, my heart sinks, because at that moment, I realize exactly what I need to do. Judging by the look on Levi’s face, he does too.
“I forgive you,” I say finally, and in my father’s eyes, I see myself. He knows too. “But, for now . . . I need space.”
It surprises me that I don’t feel the crushing weight of the world around me in that statement. I had to know I could be alone in the world without relying on Gran, my friends, or even love. I have to be able to make the decisions on who is allowed in my life and who isn’t.
Starting with my father.
If I don’t, I’ll be a shell of a person—someone just like my mother.
Nolan nods once, looking down at the dog in his hands. Silently, he places it in my lap before he bends down, pressing one kiss to my forehead.
Almost twenty years, and all it took to win his affection was a near-death experience.
“I’ll always watch over you, sweet girl.”
Then he walks out of the room, leaving behind a heaviness that I hadn’t expected. I didn’t know the man, yet it feels like I’m saying goodbye to the little girl who rests inside me, who always wished for a big family. Cousins, aunts, and uncles. A mother and father who loved each other.
From the time I was six years old, it’s always been my deepest wish. To feel that kind of love and acceptance.
Now that the possibility is there, I’m finding I’d much rather learn to love myself than settle for the scraps of someone else.
Which brings me to my next heartbreak.
Levi’s eyes meet mine, and I think he knows. His head cocks slightly to the side, like he’s studying me, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know I’m reaffirming his darkest fear. He doesn’t like to be left behind. The knowledge that I’m hurting him feels like I’ve swallowed glass.
His gaze meets mine, and the darkness there makes it feel like all the air was sucked from the room.
I almost back out, but I know that if I do, he will never get better.
He’ll never learn to let people in. Paulina is right.
Everyone else around him is enabling him.
Allowing him to keep up with this facade that he’s fine and everything’s okay, when deep down, the voice inside him is screaming for help.
I can’t be just another enabler. I love him too much.
Tears well in my eyes, and he blinks, looking down at his hands in his lap.
“I’m guessing I don’t need to explain to you why I did what I did,” he says finally, his voice quiet.
Love. It’s such a fickle thing, isn’t it?
It’s elusive, but when you find it—and I mean really find it —it can tear your soul straight from your chest with just a few words.
Tears sting in my eyes, and I fiddle with the stuffed dog on my lap, so I don’t have to see the pain in his gaze.
“I’m also guessing this is the part where you tell me you forgive me . . . but that you need space.”
No, no, no . I want to scream at him. Fight with him. Listen to him say he loves me again, and let myself give in to the idea that I can accept the parts that he will give to me.
But I know I can’t.
He broke my heart because he thought it would save me. Now I’m doing the same for him.
He nods once, and I can’t help myself. I meet his gaze, and the turmoil there matches the pain radiating through me. This hurts so much more than I could have ever imagined. More than hearing about his secrets. His lies.
I knew he did it all to save me. It didn’t make it any easier.
“From the moment I laid eyes on you, I think I knew you’d own every piece of me for the rest of my life,” he says. “There won’t ever be a moment when I’m not madly fucking in love with you, Ava. In this life and every single one that follows. . . I belong to you. I’m going to earn you back.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I can’t look away from those frosty eyes.
The bullet wound in my shoulder is nothing compared to the pain of watching him get to his feet. Gently, he stoops down, mirroring my father and pressing one soft kiss on my forehead.
The scent of him washes over me, and desperation burns through me. Heartache blooms in my chest, sending a ripple of pain through me that has nothing to do with being shot.
I feel like I was ripped to shreds.
Levi walks away from me, towards the door, only to stop and look back at me, his hand on the handle and his eyes clouded in darkness.
“Whenever you’re ready to come home, baby . . . I’ll be ready for you.”
And then he walks out the door.
And out of my life.