Chapter 15 #2
Autumn tells me he’s dating me without me knowing he’s dating me.
She thinks I’m stupid. Of course he’s dating me, and I love the gentle way he’s doing it.
No pressure or label needed on our time spent together.
Including, the night he stayed over at my house while Mom went to visit Aunt Gloria for her birthday.
Mom was worried about leaving me at home on my own, even though I’m a very capable adult.
But I knew she wouldn’t go if she thought I’d be left alone, so I agreed that I’d get someone to stay with me.
Meaning Autumn, but before I could even ask her, Mom had taken matters into her own hands.
She ran straight next door and asked Landon, who of course was happy to help.
Felix stayed with the boys, and Landon snuck next door without them knowing.
Otherwise, they would’ve wanted to come for a sleepover too.
He put his things in the guest room, but by the time we had finished dinner, I was done for and was ignoring every rule I gave myself in relation to Landon.
But I couldn’t help it. Because watching that man standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, talking about some of his favorite memories of the kids when they were smaller, made my ovaries hurt.
I had already been horny as hell for days, and his domestic routine wasn’t helping.
The final straw was when he walked out from the guest room wearing gray sweatpants and a tight black tank top.
I called in the “fuck buddy” card, and we humped like rabbits all night long.
It was just what we both needed. It felt like the night at Christmas.
Sex for fun, making each other feel great, and then sleeping in his arms. Although, I’m not sure my therapist Meara thought it was such a good idea.
Because our sessions always end up revolving back to Landon in some way.
We might not have peeled back all the layers of trauma from the fire, but we’re getting somewhere with my men dramas.
The nightmares are getting less frequent, and I’m managing them myself now.
It’s not perfect, but I turn on the app Meara gave me with soothing music, while I slowly flick through all the photos on my phone of Landon and the boys.
It never fails to make me smile, even if it’s only a small one.
I had to try to take control of my issue because I can’t always be calling Landon at night.
In those early nights when I was calling him for help, he would sometimes still be at work.
He’s had to leave serving at the bar, go to his office, and then calmly talk me through it.
Or he had just gotten to sleep after a long night at work and then my call would wake him.
I know better than anyone what it’s like to get broken sleep; it can affect your health.
He never complained, but I knew it wasn’t fair to keep doing this to him.
He has a life to live, that doesn’t include me depending on him.
I’m making progress in lots of little ways with Meara, working through my relationship with Dean and feelings about men in general.
We talk about fires I’ve worked on over the years, hoping that it might help bring my memory of the accident forward in my mind.
I even asked her a few weeks ago if I could try hypnotherapy, but she said it’s too soon.
My mind isn’t ready for that yet, but in the future it’s an option.
I really like Meara and we get along well.
I don’t think I would’ve gotten anywhere with a softly spoken therapist who just asked me to tell her how I was feeling all the time.
Meara’s not like that. She’s direct with me but not pushy.
Asks me questions to lead me where she thinks I need to go, and doesn’t let me pull back too quickly when the conversation gets hard.
It works for me, and there are days I walk out of her office feeling great, but then other days, I still feel like I’ve got a long way to go.
Because until I can clear this mental block on the fire and my crew, I’m a danger to have back on the job.
“Sorry, just needed to give Adrian the beer order, I forgot to do it last night,” Landon replies as he looks up from his phone.
“You were saying? Oh yeah, getting your cast off finally. I bet you’ll be so glad to be free of that art masterpiece on your leg.
However, the boys were upset when I told them where I was taking you today.
They wanted to know if you would be keeping the pictures they drew for you. ” He chuckles.
I screw my nose up at the thought of keeping this smelly piece of plaster for nostalgia.
“Ugh, not a chance. But before the doctor comes in, let’s take some photos, and we can put them on the fridge for them.
And in a few weeks’ time, they’ll have forgotten about it.
There’ll be something far more exciting they’ve drawn, and my red leg will be just a memory. Thank goodness.”
“I’m not sure you could call it red anymore.
There’s so much black marker covering it that the red has almost disappeared.
” We both laugh, looking at a cast that really can only be described as a bunch of scribbles.
Yet I love every single mark on it. Nash and Kade have been just what I needed to pass the time some days.
They make me laugh, keep me entertained with games, watching them at the park, watching movies together, and best of all, they always take my side against Landon when we’re all playing together.
They’d already buried themselves into my heart when I first met them.
Now I feel like they own my heart, instead.
Like my mom used to tell me when I was little.
Family is someone you would walk through fire for, without any protection. They don’t need to be blood, just the ones that own your heart.
She always told me if my dad had gotten to meet me, he would’ve loved me and walked through fire for me. I didn’t understand when I was young, but as I got older and became a firefighter, it all made perfect sense.
I hop down off the bed and model my leg for Landon to snap some pictures for the boys.
“Oh, by the way, remember when I told you about my dad’s old boss, Captain Sullivan, or Sully as I call him?
Well, he called Mom this morning and asked if I could meet him at the firehouse today.
I don’t know what it’s about, but I said we would stop in after we leave here, if that’s okay.
It’s only a few streets away from Lucinda’s.
Since we were already in the city, I didn’t think you’d mind.
” I’ve mentioned Sully briefly to Landon before and also how much that firehouse means to me.
“Of course. But do you think you’ll be okay in a firehouse near the engines, and all the guys in their uniform?” I love that he’s always thinking about me and making sure I feel safe.
“Yeah, it’s not my crew or firehouse. There wasn’t even a little twinge of that uneasy feeling when Mom mentioned it this morning.
Dad’s firehouse is like home to me.” To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about whether being in a firehouse would be triggering for me until Landon mentioned it.
Even now I still don’t feel strange about going after he said it. Which is a good step forward, I think.
“That’s good to hear. I’d love to take you there.
It’ll be nice to see where your dad worked, and of course where you started your life as Poppy Bertrum.
How about we grab some boxes of donuts to take for the crews on duty too.
” He takes his seat again once he’s made sure I’m safely back up on the bed.
“Oh God, you’ll become an honorary member of the Station 27 family for life if you do that.
” No matter how much food we have in the firehouse kitchen, it’s never enough.
So, sometimes when you’re having a crappy shift, someone turning up with sugar-filled treats can be just the thing to lift your spirits and energy level.
It’s the simple things in life that mean the most sometimes.
The door opening ends the conversation as the doctor and nurse appear.
“Okay, we’ve just checked the X-rays, and everything looks perfect. Time to free this poor trapped leg and let your skin breathe again,” the doctor announces, and I can’t help letting out a little cheer, and laughter fills the room. Then they get to work.
“Do you want me to drive you up to the door of the firehouse, let you out, then I’ll go park the car?” Landon asks as we come down Porter Street where the station is.
“No, never park in front of the doors on a firehouse. Especially if the engine is inside. Being held up by even a minute can mean life or death for someone.” I know Landon was only thinking of me and wouldn’t have been there for long.
It’s just something I couldn’t do in good conscience.
“I’ll be fine to walk. I need to build up the muscles in my leg again anyway.
Plus, I’m used to these crutches now, another few weeks won’t matter.
Just think how much the muscles in my arms have gotten stronger.
I’ll have the best guns in the firehouse.
” I push my sleeve up and flex my arm for Landon.
“If that’s the best in the firehouse, then the rest of them need to up their game,” he replies, rolling his eyes at me.
“Wow, rude,” I reply, pretending to be offended, before I punch him lightly on the arm, and we both laugh at his sarcastic joke.
I love this friendly banter we’ve developed between us.
As we drove past the firehouse, I was glad to see both engines parked in their bays, because it means all the crew will be here for me to say hello to. There’s no guarantee for how long, though, because you just never know when the alarm’s going to go off for a call out.