Chapter 16 #3
“Right, it’s time for me to go and pick up our pizzas.
I won’t be long. I’ll also grab the milk and bread I forgot today.
” She’s also getting some ice cream as a surprise for the boys.
We’ve all got the results of the DNA test on our minds at the moment, and I can tell it’s taking more of a toll on Mom than she’s letting on.
She was in full support of me meeting my biological mother, but I’m sure she’s nervous that it might change our relationship in some way, as much as I reassured her it will never change who she is to me.
She’s my mom, end of story. This other woman, Tessa, may become part of my life, but she will never be my mom.
She gave up that right a long time ago, whether by choice or not, and I don’t hold it against her, but she can’t change the past. She wasn’t here to rock me to sleep in the middle of the night as a baby.
To kiss every boo-boo when I fell over or to encourage me to try new things as I grew up.
She didn’t have to sit me down and explain the birds and the bees, teach me about periods or how important protection was if I had sex.
Do the hard things like watch me jump for joy when I got accepted into the fire academy, when on the inside all she felt was fear, knowing I was about to embark on a career that had taken the man she loved more than life itself from her.
Or help me pack my bags to move away from her to another state, only to get the phone call, one day, that I’d been trapped under a burning roof and was in the hospital.
Alice Bertrum will always be my mom, until the day I die.
The role Tessa will play in my life, only time will tell, but it just won’t be that one.
After Mom left to get the pizza, the boys and I set the table, and now we’re sitting in the living room reading some books while we wait. I could’ve put the television on, but I need to keep my mind busy.
After the day I’ve had, I don’t really feel very hungry.
Felix will be happy because it means there will be plenty left for him by the time he gets here tonight.
I’ll try to eat at least one piece of pizza, though, otherwise Mom will kindly point it out loudly enough for Landon to hear, and then he’ll be on my case.
He didn’t look great when he dropped the boys off tonight on his way to work.
The worry lines on his forehead seem to be increasing, and he’s trying to hide how stressed he is when he looks at me.
But tonight, he failed at that. I hate that he’s wrapped up in my drama again.
It’s what I was trying to avoid, after I had him racing to Rochester to rescue me.
I’ve been working with my therapist to be able to handle life’s road bumps on my own more going forward.
But there was no way Landon was walking away.
Deep down I knew that he wouldn’t, and it might have actually broken me if he had.
I’ve talked at length with Meara about this, and it seems my fear of attachment started long before I met Landon.
We haven’t pulled it all out of my deep thoughts yet, which she told me is okay.
Because I’m a work-in-progress, and it will all happen in good time.
She makes me laugh sometimes. Even though she can be direct, she also has the driest sense of humor.
Last week the first question she asked when I sat down in her office was if I’d played the fuck-buddy card again this week.
That broke the ice straight away, and then we moved on to where my feelings for Landon were at, and how I need to give myself permission to love and be with him.
She thinks I’m torn between feeling like I’m not good enough for him, which stems from Dean’s constant need to look elsewhere for a better option than me.
That it has me worrying I’m going to let Landon and the boys down by not being the mother and partner they need.
But the flip side to that are the abandonment issues I didn’t know I even had from my biological parents, combined with a little part of me who has always felt sad for my mom.
She loved my dad so hard, but he left her through no choice of his own.
In childhood-Poppy’s brain, I didn’t want to be hurt like that, or do that to someone else either.
I work in a dangerous job. I would never want to put Landon and the boys through losing someone they love for a second time.
The biggest thing I’ve learned since I met Meara is that I’m one complex woman.
I wonder if the fire department would be happy to be paying for all these sessions if they knew what we discussed. That the trauma from the fire is only a portion of the problems I’m currently dealing with in my fucked-up life.
“Poppy, you missed the bit about the grumpy wizard,” Kade pipes up from next to me.
I quickly try to cover up that my mind wasn’t on the job at hand.
“I was just testing you, to see if you were paying attention. So good job, Kade. Gold star for you today with trying hard to sit and concentrate.” He looks so proud of himself, and I’ve managed not to look like I’m losing it.
It’s great that he was listening so intently, but also, the annoying thing is that he knows this story back to front, so I can’t get away with anything.
I remember when I was their temporary nanny and tried to shorten a story one night because I was tired.
They were straight onto me, calling me out.
I learned very quickly never to try that one again.
Taking a deep breath, I read on.
Ding-dong, ding-dong.
Mom’s doorbell sounds, and the boys jump, looking at me.
Felix must have finished his exam earlier than he thought. For his sake, I hope that’s a good thing.
Smiling at the boys, I casually say, “That’ll be Felix.”
Which brings the reaction I expected, with them both jumping off the couch, bouncing up and down in front of me. They know they aren’t allowed to answer the front door unless an adult tells them they can, so their eyes are pleading as they glare at me.
“Maybe you should go open the door for him,” I say, and they’re off like lightning, screaming Felix’s name with such excitement.
I start trying to get myself up off the couch, balancing and getting my crutches under my arms. My leg is still quite weak, so I have to take it easy.
I see the physiotherapist tomorrow and start my rehab.
My concentration being on getting up without injuring myself, I hadn’t realized how quiet the house had become. Then I hear footsteps coming back toward the living room, and Kade comes around the corner.
“Poppy, Poppy, there’s a lady at the door who looks just like you.
Except she’s old and wrinkly. Not beautiful like my dad calls you,” Kade babbles quickly, and it takes my brain a few seconds to take in what he just said.
But then the puzzle pieces connect, and the wave of sheer panic rolls over me.
“Oh, shit,” I blurt out as a shudder runs through my body.
“Dollar for the swear jar,” Kade cheers, which makes me start to move. I can’t be falling apart. I have to protect the boys. Keep them safe. I don’t know anything about this woman.
In my head, I’m repeating the words over and over, Landon, help, I need you. Landon, help, I need you.
Which is totally useless, because it’s not like he can help me right now. I have to pull my shit together. The boys and Landon are depending on me. I can’t let them down.
As I start hobbling across the room, Nash comes around the corner slowly, looking a little paler than before and in a total state of confusion.
“Poppy, the lady out there says she’s your mom. But Mrs. B is your mom.” His words stop me right in front of him. And the panic I was feeling is gone, suddenly taken over by anger. How dare she say that to a little boy. I haven’t even met her and she’s already pissing me off.
“Boys, come close,” I say nice and quietly so only the two of them can hear me speaking. “I want you both to go and sit on the couch and stay quiet.” Pulling my phone from my pocket, I unlock it, open the contact I need, and hand it to Nash.
“Nash, when I go to the door, I want you to push Daddy’s name on my phone to call him. Tell him a lady named Tessa is at the door. Can you do that?” He nods quickly. “What’s the name you need to tell him?” I ask him again.
“Tessa,” he whispers. And surprisingly, Kade has gone quiet all of a sudden. I think he has sensed that something isn’t right.
“Good boy. Go now.” They both scurry to the couch, and Nash is looking at me with so much concentration for the job I just gave him.
“Okay, now Nash,” I say and start to maneuver myself around the corner into the hallway that leads straight to the front door. I stop for a moment just to take in the vision of the person at the door who I’m almost certain is going to turn out to be my biological mother.
Standing with her back to me is a woman with long blonde hair that looks dry and a little shabby. She’s wearing a pair of black pants, some sort of sandals, and a floral shirt that is hanging loose. About my height, although a lot thinner than my build, from what I can make out.
As a child I rehearsed this moment so many times. I acted it out in my bedroom sometimes when I was feeling a little lost. What I would say. Deciding if I would hug her or run and jump into her arms. As I got older, I changed, picturing myself being reserved and just saying hello politely.
But with my annoyance raging inside me and the feeling of the disrespect she showed, calling herself my mother in this house, I’m ready to go straight to the door and give her a piece of my mind. However, if Mom were here, she’d be so disappointed in me for reacting like that.
Taking a deep breath like Landon always tells me to do, I close my eyes, listen to his calm voice in my head, and slowly let it out.
I can do this. I am strong.
Words I have always lived by until I lost my way a few months ago, but it’s something Landon is constantly reminding me.
Opening my eyes, I start moving toward the door. There is no way I can be quiet on crutches. The noise has Tessa turning to face me.
In a split second it hits me. I don’t need to wait for the DNA results.
I’m looking at myself, wrinkled and older, exactly like Kade said.
This is one of those times I’m reminded how literal he can be.